by Janet Gover
‘I’m not going to give up. There’s a story here and I’m going to get it.’
Jess tried to block her ears to the triumph in his voice as he shouted at her retreating back.
Please, no. This can’t be happening. It can’t. Please.
The refrain echoed through Jess’s head as she walked. She didn’t see the people or the buildings around her. She didn’t hear the distant roar from the racetrack, or the music from the campground stage or the excited voices all around her. All she could hear was a woman’s voice. You killed my son.
Adam was going to find out what she had done.
After the guilty verdict, the prosecutor has turned to where she was sitting in the public gallery. She could barely hear his voice over the uproar in the court.
Thank you. Without your evidence, he might have gone free.
She had done the right thing. But she was still the one at the controls of the plane that had brought the drugs into the country. Her plane. Her responsibility. That was how she saw it. Adam would see it that way too and that would be the end of something that had become very precious to her. He would never understand or forgive what she had done.
The second he found out she would lose him forever.
Even in the blackest times … as the armed men stormed her plane, during police interrogation and even when walking into that prison cell, she had never been as scared as she was at the thought of Adam’s reaction when he learned the truth.
‘Hey, Doc, where’s that gorgeous pilot of yours?’
‘As far away from you as she can possibly get,’ Adam tossed back with a smile he didn’t feel. Around him the men at the bar erupted into gruff laughter. Unabashed, the barman handed Adam a beer, waving away his attempts to pay.
As Adam carried his first, and only, beer of the evening out onto the wide veranda that fronted the pub, he couldn’t help but echo the barman’s thoughts. Where was Jess? He hadn’t seen her since they parted company at the airport. Had that reporter found her? And if so, what had happened? With every fibre of his being, he knew that the reporter was bad news. He didn’t know why … or what the man was going to do. He just knew he was a threat. A threat to Jess.
He wasn’t going to let that man hurt her. The races were nearly over. Just one more day. Then they’d be on their way back to Coorah Creek. Away from whatever threat the reporter posed.
Adam thumped his clenched fist onto the veranda rail.
This weekend should have been memorable for so many good reasons. Instead, it had been a disaster from start to finish, and it was mostly his own fault. Starting with the shared room. The image of Jessica’s golden body curled so seductively on the bed flashed to the forefront of his brain. That image would never leave him. Just as he imagined the horror of his scarred back would never leave her.
Strange that they should share the very things that kept them apart.
As he leaned against the veranda post, his drink forgotten in his hand, Adam let his eyes wander towards the western sky. The sun was sinking in what was going to be another spectacular outback sunset. In all his years out here, he’d never tired of those moments when the sun hovered on the edge of the world. Those sunsets always lifted his spirits – it was part of the magic of this hot dry and dusty plain. He dragged his eyes from the sky back to the crowd of racegoers milling around the pub. In couples and in groups, they were making the most of the last night of the races. A young couple almost waltzed past, dancing to their own music, holding hands and sharing the promise of the night ahead.
How he would love to do that with Jess.
And … why couldn’t he? He shook his head, but the thought didn’t go away. Jess had seen the worst of him. She had seen the ruin of his body. The worst moment was past. They both still kept secrets. Things he didn’t know about her. Things she could never know about him. But did that make it impossible?
And if something was possible. What better place than here? A place with its own magic. As if to answer him, the crowd moved and he saw Jess walking towards him, her face dark in thought. She looked up and saw him, and began to smile. That smile was enough.
Adam turned and stuck his head back into the bar.
‘Can I borrow your car?’ he said to the barman. The man shrugged and tossed him a set of keys. Adam turned and quickly intercepted Jess.
‘Come on. I’ve got something to show you.’
Jess hesitated. ‘Aren’t you on call or something?’
‘No. I’ve got a break. Come on, we haven’t much time. The sun is almost gone.’
The barman’s car was a new four-wheel drive ute, with spotlights attached to the roof and a fresh layer of dust all over it. Adam slid behind the wheel and as soon as Jess was beside him, he gunned the engine. The vehicle shot forward, bouncing across the rough ground. There was no road. He didn’t need one.
‘Where are we going?’
‘Just you wait and see.’
Adam drove for about ten minutes. There were no hills around Birdsville, but that didn’t really matter. He just needed to go far enough that the sounds of the party were lost. And the lights were far, far away.
He slid the vehicle to a stop and climbed out. He swung into the flat tray of the ute and sat back against the roof. With a shrug, Jess swung herself up beside him.
‘Watch,’ was all he said.
They were facing west where the sun was sinking into the horizon. The world seemed to hold its breath as the golden orb dropped slowly lower, changing as it did to a red molten ball. Invisible wisps of cloud flared orange and yellow, turning to purple as the sun dropped lower.
Adam could hear his own heart beating. Could Jess hear it too?
The sun touched the dark line of the earth, sending bright yellow flares to all the corners of the compass. Then, suddenly, it was gone. The sky darkened to a deep velvet blue as the first stars appeared. Bright pinpoints of light. A few, then more and more until the whole sky seemed to glow.
Beside him, Jess let out a long deep sigh. He wanted so much to reach out and take her hand. That was still a step too far for him. But the desire to touch her. To feel her touch him. That was a start.
Tomorrow the great exodus would begin. The thousands would desert Birdsville, heading back to their homes and lives. He and Jess would return to Coorah Creek. That town was a very special place. He’d made his home there. Jess too seemed content. Maybe Coorah Creek could continue to work some more magic in their future.
He had a long way to go to exorcise his demons, but for the first time he believed he could do it. For Jess.
Chapter Twenty
The nightmare was different this time.
You killed my son! The woman outside the courtroom … her face contorted with anger and grief. It’s your fault!
Adam, his eyes questioning hers. His handsome face cold and distant. Why Jess? Why did you do it?
I didn’t know, Jess said in her dream. I didn’t know he’d put drugs on the plane.
How could you not know? It was your plane. Your responsibility. You had to know. It is your fault. And Adam turned away – a look of disgust on his face …
‘I didn’t know …’ Jess sat bolt upright in her bed, her breath coming in short ragged gasps.
The room was dark and she was alone. She glanced at the clock. Dawn was not all that far away.
Jess slipped out of bed and crossed to the window. Across the moonlit expanse of dried grass, the Coorah Creek hospital was clearly visible, a dark shape against the star-studded sky. There was a light in one window. Adam was awake too. Had he been awake all night, or did his own nightmares wake him in the early hours? Or was it loneliness that robbed him of his rest?
Had he been lonely that last night in Birdsville? Was that why he had taken her to share the sunset with him? When darkness fell, he had simp
ly driven her back into town and returned to his shift at the medical centre. Without saying a single word. What was she supposed to read into that?
Of course, she’d been just as bad. She’d watched that sunset, so very aware of the man sitting next to her. And she had also said exactly nothing. They were two of a kind, she and Adam. Neither of them brave enough to take the first step towards … whatever it was they were both searching for.
Jess was so glad to be back in Coorah Creek, where troubling moments of intimacy could be avoided.
The light in the hospital window went out. In her mind, she pictured Adam going to bed. Tonight, instead of sharing a room with her, he’d be sleeping alone. Would he miss her as she had missed him? Missed the sound of his breathing. Missed knowing he was close. Missed the longing that she felt.
She thought for the thousandth time about the scars on his back. Everyone had their secrets. Adam had been an innocent victim. He had a secret – but he had no guilt. Her burden of guilt was almost overwhelming.
Feeling lonely now that the light was gone, and just a little claustrophobic, Jess left her bedroom and walked quietly through the house. Ellen and the kids were sleeping, and she didn’t want to wake them. She softly opened the front door and crossed the wide veranda to sit on the top of the steps leading to the front yard.
The night was still. Jess took a deep breath of the warm air. She could smell the dust. The trees. The fading heat from yesterday bringing the promise of another hot day tomorrow. She could taste and smell everything about the outback that had seemed so strange to her the day she arrived. Now these things, this place and most of all these people were so much a part of her life that she wondered how she would live without them. The thought she might have to do that was almost enough to break her heart.
But she might, because her past had found her.
She heard soft footsteps and a moment later Ellen sat down beside her. For a few minutes the two sat in silence.
‘I would have thought that after the weekend, you’d be exhausted and sleeping like a baby,’ Ellen said.
‘So did I,’ Jess said bitterly. ‘But I’ve got something on my mind, I guess. What about you?’
‘I must have something on my mind, too.’
They sat in silence for a few more minutes, listening to the sounds of the night.
‘Jack,’ Jess said. It wasn’t a question.
‘Adam,’ Ellen countered.
‘You first,’ Jess said. It hadn’t escaped her notice that Ellen and Jack were becoming … close. She was glad for her friends. And right now, a little happy ever after for Ellen might just cheer her up a bit.
‘Jack is … wonderful.’ Ellen’s words were almost a whisper. ‘He’s so good with the kids.’
‘Yes he is,’ Jess agreed.
‘Ever since Harry saw that tattoo on his arm, he’s become fascinated by the duck comics. Jack reads to him all the time. But it’s not just the stories … he talks to him. Teaches him.’
‘He’s a good role model for Harry.’
Beside her, Jess felt rather than heard Ellen catch her breath. There was a few seconds silence before Ellen continued, in a voice that quivered.
‘Harry hasn’t had much of a father figure. His own father …’ Ellen stopped speaking and Jess could feel her fear. We all have our demons, Jess thought. Every one of us.
‘My husband has a temper.’ Ellen’s words came out in a rush.
‘He hit you?’ Jess was horrified.
‘Yes.’ There was a whole world of pain and fear and guilt in just that one word.
‘Oh, Ellen.’
‘He seemed so wonderful when we met. I didn’t have much experience with men. I was still living at home with my parents. He seemed kind and loving. Our wedding was the happiest day of my life.’
‘What happened?’
‘Everything was fine at first. We were happy when I became pregnant with Harry. But after he was born, we started fighting. My husband said I was neglecting him because of the baby.’ Ellen’s voice broke. She paused for a few moments before continuing. ‘I tried to make it work. I really did. Everything seemed better for a while, then I fell pregnant with Bethany. He said he didn’t want another baby. That it was all my fault.’
‘It wasn’t your fault.’
‘I know. I think I knew then that I had made a terrible mistake in my marriage. But what could I do? He started going out drinking. Sometimes he’d come home drunk and angry. He never hit me when I was pregnant though. He pushed me, maybe, a couple of times. The hitting didn’t start until after Bethany was born.’
‘He had no right to hit you,’ Jess said quietly.
‘I know. But with the baby crying all the time. He wasn’t getting any sleep. And I was so busy with the kids …’
‘That doesn’t excuse him.’
‘When Harry saw his father hit me, he tried to step in. You should have seen him. So small and so brave. And I was terrified that he’d be next. So I had to leave. I waited until my husband was going to be away for a couple of days on business, then I took what we could carry and came as far away as I could get. I felt like a coward. Running away. But I couldn’t go to my parents. He would have followed me. I had to come somewhere he’d never find me.’
Jess reached out to squeeze her friend’s hand. ‘I’m so sorry.’
‘At least I got them away.’
‘At some point, you might have to deal with him,’ Jess said hesitantly. She knew from bitter experience that avoiding an issue does not make it go away.
‘I know. But not right now. I needed … I needed to find me first. I needed to make sure the kids were safe. And I didn’t want Harry to grow up thinking it was all right to hit a woman. I’m just so glad he’s got Jack to show him how a real man behaves. He’s strong, but he’s gentle too. Bethany adores him.’
‘And what about you, Ellen?’
In the darkness, Jess heard the quietest sound; a sound that could almost be a sob. She squeezed Ellen’s hand tightly. ‘Ellen?’
‘He doesn’t want me.’
‘Why would you say that? You’re a warm and wonderful person. You are a good mother. If you’re worried that you are older than him, don’t be. I’ve seen the way he looks at you. You’re beautiful – and he thinks so too.’
‘Jack would never want someone who … who would let a man do what my husband did. I’m … I’m not good enough.’
‘Don’t you say that!’ Jess said with quiet vehemence. ‘What he did was despicable. It wasn’t your fault. You did nothing wrong.’
Ellen was silent.
‘And don’t sell Jack short,’ Jess added. ‘He’s not the kind of man who would judge you. He’s better than that.’
‘I know.’ Ellen’s voice was so quiet Jess could barely hear her. ‘And sometimes I imagine what it would feel like to … well … you know.’
Jess could almost feel the heat of Ellen’s blush.
‘Maybe he just needs a bit of encouragement.’
‘Oh, I couldn’t.’
‘Yes, you could. But don’t do anything you’re not ready for. He’s a pretty smart guy. He’ll wait for you.’
The two of them sat in silence for a while, then came the words Jess had been dreading.
‘So, what about you and Adam?’
What indeed? ‘It’s complicated.’
‘Isn’t everything?’
Ellen was right. Every person had their own issues. Things from the past that still haunted them. Scars inside … and out.
‘Adam is very driven. His work is so important to him. I sometimes don’t think he sees past that.’
‘He does, you know,’ Ellen said. ‘He sees you.’
‘He sees …’ Jessica’s voice faded.
‘It’s all right
. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.’
Ellen sounded like a cross between her mother and her best friend. Here, in the safety of the home she’d made, wrapped in the comforting darkness, Jessica found she did want to tell Ellen.
‘It’s a long story. I chose the wrong man too. Brian was – oh – he was everything. Handsome. A self-made millionaire. He hired me to fly his private jet and we fell in love. It was a dream for me. The gifts he gave me. The beautiful clothes. The five star hotels. We flew everywhere together – but mostly into Asia where he had business.’
‘What sort of business?’
‘I was a fool, and too blinded by Brian to ask. He said he was an importer. What I didn’t realise …’ Jess stopped. Once the words were out, there was no going back. ‘I didn’t realise that he was importing drugs.’
‘Oh!’
Jess felt Ellen stiffen beside her. She didn’t need the sharp intake of breath to tell her that her friend was shocked.
‘I didn’t know. Looking back there were signs that maybe should have told me something was wrong. Maybe I was too busy being in love. I just didn’t see what was happening.’ It was important that Ellen understand.
‘Of course you didn’t,’ the support was immediate. ‘How did you find out?’
‘I found the drugs on the plane. I went to the authorities. They made me … they made me pretend that everything was all right.’ A simple phrase that went no way to describing that last terrible day and night. Watching Brian, trying to smile at him. She’d pleaded a headache and slept in the spare room of their hotel suite. The mere thought of sleeping beside him on that last night … of him touching her … Even now she felt the nausea. ‘They set up a sting. When we flew back to Sydney, the federal police were waiting. They boarded the plane. Found the drugs and arrested Brian. I was arrested too. I spent a few days in custody, but they didn’t charge me. I gave evidence against him at the trial.’
‘That must have been hard.’
‘It was horrible. Sitting in that courtroom. With Brian so close. He’d look at me and smile. That same smile I fell in love with.’
