by Dan Gutman
“You don’t remember me?” I asked. “Trip Dinkleman? I was playing in the Super Bowl and you were there. I swear it!”
“I have no memory of being inside a large bowl,” she replied.
“We are on a quest to find the Magical Gold-Plated Knick-Knack,” said Kooky the dwelf.
“They call me Luv,” the girl cackled. “Luv Interest Olsen. I, too, am on a quest.”
“And what quest might that be?” I asked.
“The quest to be rescued repeatedly until I find a hero who saves my life,” she answered, “and marry him.”
“Uh…well…eh…,” I stammered.
“That would be you, sir,” Kooky informed me.
“But we were already married,” I said, backing away from this girl who called herself Luv Interest Olsen. “When we were at the Super Bowl.”
“Again with this bowl!” she said. “We must marry immediately!”
“A wedding is complicated,” I told her. “We’ll have to send out invitations, rent a hall, and hire a band. There’s so much to arrange.”
“Let us celebrate our nuptials with the throwing of the sword!” she announced, disregarding my hesitancy and grabbing Mr. Man from my scabbard.
“No, don’t!” Kooky yelled. “If you throw the sword—”
But it was too late. Luv heaved Mr. Man with all her strength. Kooky and I dove out of the way. The sword flew through the air and, much like a boomerang, suddenly turned and came back just as swiftly as it had been thrown.
“Duck!” I yelled, but to no avail.
“—it comes right back to you!” Kookie yelled, just as the sword plunged into Luv’s heart.
“Now you tell me,” Luv groaned.
“I guess the wedding is off,” I sobbed, holding her as she lay dying.
“Forget about me,” she whispered with her last ounce of strength. “You must find the Magical Gold-Plated Knick-Knack. That is your quest. You must find it…for me.”
And then, like an old library card, she expired.
Grief stricken, Kookie and I continued our journey. My romance was but a brief shining moment in the continuum of time. All we are is dust in the wind.
We had not ventured more than a minute or two, when whom should we encounter but our old friend the wise sage Hockaloogie.
“How goes your quest, young Tinkleman?” he asked.
“Lousy,” I said truthfully. “I’m tired, hungry, my feet are sore, and I’m at least partly responsible for the death of that cute girl I just met. Thanks for nothing.”
“Calm yourself,” Hockaloogie suggested. “Have some grog.”
“Grog?” I said. “What’s grog?”
“It’s a lot like mead,” Kooky informed me.
“I hate mead!” I yelled. “Do you guys ever do anything besides travel around and get drunk? Look, I’m sick of this quest. When do we find this Mingus Coltrane guy?”
“Very soon,” Hockaloogie whispered mysteriously.
“Yes,” Kooky agreed. “Very soon.”
“How do you know?” I demanded. Neither one replied. They just turned and pointed to a sign at the side of the road: THE POINT WHERE SOMETHING HAPPENS.
The Point Where Something Happens. At last! We had reached the outskirts of the upper regions of the inner sanctum of the secret domain of—
“Seize them!” somebody shouted.
A dozen creatures leaped out at Kooky, Hockaloogie, and me. They appeared to be a combination of monkeys and giraffes. And then a man appeared. When he showed his face, I couldn’t believe who I was looking at.
“Lionel!” I shouted. “Old buddy! What are you doing here? You’re not going to kill us, are you?”
“I said, seize them!” Lionel ordered.
“It’s Mingus Coltrane!” shouted Kooky, as our hands were bound behind us with rope. “You are thinner than I expected.”
“The TV puts on ten pounds,” replied the man who looked just like Lionel but was really Mingus Coltrane.
Coltrane was dressed in a blood-red cape, and he had blood-red hair, and he stared at us with blood-red eyes. The very sound of his name brought on that familiar creepy music on the pipe organ. Only this time, there was a guy who was actually sitting there playing a pipe organ.
“I am at your service,” Coltrane affirmed.
“We’re here to get the Magical Gold-Plated Knick-Knack,” I told him. “Hand it over, and we will take our leave in peace.”
“I don’t have the Magical Gold-Plated Knick-Knack,” Coltrane decried.
“Where is it?” demanded Kooky.
“It was stolen from me,” Coltrane related, with a faraway look in his eyes, “by a woman. A woman I once loved very much.”
“Liar!” I shouted, breaking free from the ropes that bound me.
I grabbed Mingus Coltrane by the throat and surely would have succeeded in cutting off his air supply had the monkey/giraffes not pounced on me from behind. They picked me up bodily and carried me to a cell, slamming the door behind me.
When I turned around, I was astonished to find I had a beautiful blond cell mate.
“Luv!” I shouted. “How did you get here? I thought you were dead! I held you in my arms and watched you die!”
“I’m not Luv,” she replied. “I am Peace Olsen. Is my twin sister dead? Oh, sorrow!”
She broke down in tears. What an astonishing coincidence! I had encountered two beautiful girls who happened to be twin sisters.
“Did you come to rescue me?” Peace asked, wiping her tears away.
“No,” I said, remembering what happened when I rescued Luv. “I came for the Magical Gold-Plated Knick-Knack.”
“What took you so long?” demanded Peace.
“I wanted to arrive at the last possible second,” I told her, “for dramatic effect.”
Suddenly, the cell door creaked open. Mingus Coltrane stood before us.
“Where’s Kooky and Hockaloogie?” I shouted. “What have you done with them? And why did you steal my friend Lionel’s face?”
“Your concern for your friends amuses me,” he quipped. “Now that you two are acquainted, it’s a pity you have to die.”
“What did I ever do to you?” I asked.
“Nothing,” he replied. “But your father’s college roommate borrowed my library of Wiggles DVDs and never returned them. So now you must die.”
“What are you going to do to us?” said the distraught Peace Olsen, sobbing.
“I’m going to put you in an unnecessarily complicated and easily escapable contraption…until you die!” he snorted, rubbing his hands together gleefully.
I had no doubt that he would have done precisely that, had an arrow not suddenly struck him in the back and come out his chest. As he keeled over, I could see Luv Interest Olsen behind him, a bow in her hand.
“Luv!” yelled Peace.
“Peace!” yelled Luv. The sisters ran to embrace one another.
“I thought you were dead!” I told Luv. “My sword pierced your heart!”
“To make a miraculous recovery from a mortal injury, all one needs is an extreme will to live,” Luv preached.
“That actually works?” I asked.
“Well, that and my magical healing powers,” she added. “Quickly! We must find the Magical Gold-Plated Knick-Knack!”
This place was huge. The Magical Gold-Plated Knick-Knack could be anywhere. Fortunately, at that very moment Hockaloogie showed up once again.
“Okay, where is it?” I said, grabbing him where his lapels would be, if he had lapels. “I’ve had enough of this. I’m not going to turn this place upside down looking for the stupid Magical Gold-Plated Knick-Knack.”
“You have no need to turn anything upside down,” he testified. “Look in your pocket.”
I reached into my pocket and pulled out a knick-knack. It was gold. It was, presumably, magical.
“You gotta be kidding me!” I shouted at Hockaloogie “It was in my pocket? You knew I had the stupid knick-knack
the whole time and you never told me? You sent me on this stupid quest. What a colossal waste of time!”
“Young Tinkle,” he drawled, putting an arm around me. “I sent you on this quest not for the magical Gold-Plated Knick-Knack, but so you would understand the ways of the world through a process of self-realization and learning. So you would come of age and grow to be a man of courage and honor.”
“Do you have any idea how much homework I’m going to have to make up?” I asked. “And just forget about making the lacrosse team.”
“Tinkleman, I must tell you something,” Hockaloogie spewed. “Do you remember when you asked if I was your father and I said no?”
“You really are my father?” I asked.
“No. Actually, I am your mother.”
“What?!”
“I’m transgendered,” he replied. “Once, long ago, I was a woman, deeply in love with Mingus Coltrane. We had a child together. But Mingus angered me, so I stole the Magical Gold-Plated Knick-Knack from him. As long as he was alive, I did not feel free to tell you—”
“—that Mingus Coltrane was my father?”
“Basically, yes,” Hockaloogie admitted. “This day has been hard for you. You must go now.”
“Go where?” I asked. “I want to stay here and party with the Olsen twins.”
“No, you must inexplicably ride off into the sunset,” he emphasized. “There are other quests, other battles to be fought.”
Chapter II
Fiction for Girls
The Friends 4 Life Club
Other quests, other battles to be fought.
Other quests, other battles to be fought.
Other quests, other battles to be fought.
Other quests, other battles to be fought.
“Jennifer! Wake up! What are you talking about? Are you okay?”
Huh? When I opened my eyes, I was in somebody’s bedroom.
This place was unlike any bedroom I had ever seen in my life. For one thing, everything was neat and orderly. Stuffed animals were everywhere. There was a giant pink beanbag chair in the corner. Frilly pink pillows on the bed. Smiley-face buttons. Copies of Tiger Beat magazine. Hair products. Pink lace curtains. On a shelf was a collection of little horse statues. The bed had a pink ruffle at the bottom and a mesh canopy over it.
Pink was everywhere. I don’t think I had ever seen so much pink in my life. I had to shield my eyes from the sheer pinkness of it all.
It was terrifying! And most terrifying of all, I was surrounded by four girls.
“Jenn!” one of them said to me, “you were, like, hallucinating or talking in your sleep about quests!”
Why did she call me Jenn? I looked at the girls. Coincidentally, every major ethnic group was represented.
There was a white girl with long straight hair, who was wearing a pink Hello Kitty tank top and pink bunny slippers.
There was a black girl with braided hair and denim overalls over a red turtleneck shirt.
There was a Hispanic girl with glasses and a cheetah-fur-patterned blouse and jeans.
There was an Asian girl with a blue ribbon in her hair, in a yellow knitted sweater with a daisy on it.
Oh no! What had come over me? I’d never cared what people looked like or what they wore! I had never even really looked at people before. All I’d ever cared about was how good they were at sports or which video games they had. Something was seriously wrong here!
“Are you okay, Jennifer?” the Asian girl said.
“I’d better go home,” I said.
“But we just got here!” said the Hispanic girl, and the four of them collapsed in a fit of giggles.
Gee, my voice was kind of high suddenly.
I looked down. I was wearing a pink T-shirt that said GIRL POWER on it, a necklace, corduroy pants, and a matching belt. And I had on pink sneakers!
I can’t believe I just described what I was wearing! I never did that before.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I was a girl!!!
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
How did this happen? I’ve heard about operations where they can turn a man into a woman or a woman into a man. But they don’t just do that while you’re dreaming. Or do they?
I don’t want to be a girl!
Okay. Just calm down, Trip, I said to myself. You can handle this.
I had to play it cool. Soon I would wake up and everything would be normal again. In the meantime, I looked around for a door or window I could escape through in case of emergency.
“I’m so lucky to have such good friends,” said the white girl.
“Me too,” said the black girl.
“Me too,” said the Hispanic girl.
“Me too,” said the Asian girl.
“Me too,” I said weakly.
“I have an idea!” the white girl said, all excited. “Let’s form a club!”
“What kind of club, Sue?” asked the black girl. (At least now I knew the white girl’s name was Sue.)
“Gee, I don’t know,” Sue said. “We can figure that out later. First we need to choose officers.”
“You should be president, because it’s your house,” said the Asian girl.
“I nominate Midori for vice president,” the black girl said.
I figured the Asian girl must be Midori, because that’s a Japanese name. They decided that the black girl, who they called Sharon, should be treasurer, and the Hispanic girl, who they called Maria, should be secretary.
“You’ve been so quiet, Jennifer,” Maria said. “What do you want to be in the club?”
They were all looking at me.
“Uh, I could maybe get the chips and pretzels and stuff,” I said.
“Great idea!” gushed Sharon. “Jennifer can be the caterer!”
“No, the chief caterer!” Midori said, and they all collapsed into giggles and hand claps.
What was going on? Why were they laughing at things that weren’t funny?
“As part of the club, we should make a pledge to be friends for life,” Sue announced. “No matter what. Even when we’re teenagers.”
“We can call it the Friends for Life Club!” giggled Maria.
“Yeah!” they all agreed.
“And we’ll use the number 4 instead of spelling the word for out!” suggested Sharon. “Friends 4 Life.”
“Yeah!” they all agreed.
“Let’s hug on it,” suggested Midori, and we all got up and hugged each other.
I thought the next thing they would do would be to decide what the point of the club was. But nobody seemed to care. Instead, they completely changed subjects. It was as if they’d forgotten all about the club.
“Did you see what Zach Bentley was wearing at school today?” whispered Sue. “Isn’t he the cutest boy in the whole school?”
They all giggled some more. Zach Bentley is this jerk in my class. One time in gym he shoved me in a locker and farted into the vent. I’ve always wanted to punch him in the face for that.
“He’s adorable!” giggled Maria.
“I love the way his hair pops up like that in the back,” added Sharon.
Yeah, it’s called not combing your hair. I made a mental note to stop paying so much attention to personal grooming. That is, if I ever returned to normal again.
“You should say something to Zach, Sue,” Midori urged.
“What would I say?”
“Tell him you like him!” suggested Sharon.
“I’m scared!” Sue said, and they all collapsed into giggles again for no apparent reason.
“I know,” said Sue. “I’ll wear the scarf I knitted to school tomorrow. Maybe Zach will notice.”
Is she out of her mind? Zach Bentley spends every waking hour playing Dungeons & Dragons down in his basement with his demented friends. That is, when he’s not shoving kids into lockers and farting on them. He wouldn’t notice her if she fell out of a tree onto his head.
The girls kept talking about how adorable Zach was, but they all c
lammed up when the bedroom door suddenly opened. A blond woman came in.
Wait, I recognized her! It was Carrie, the girl who keeps popping up and saving my life or having me save hers. Except now she looked old enough to be my mom!
“Carrie!” I exclaimed.
“Huh?” Everybody looked at me as if I was nuts.
“I need to…carry…my Barbie dolls up to the attic,” I said weakly, “because I don’t play with them anymore.”
“Mom,” Sue said, “I wish you would knock before barging into my room.”
“Sorry, sweetie!” Sue’s mother said. “Oh hi, Jennifer. I didn’t see you come in.”
“It’s almost like I materialized out of thin air,” I explained.
“Did you girls finish your homework?” Sue’s mom asked.
“Yes, Mrs. McCormick,” they all replied robotically.
“We started it the minute we got home from school,” Sue told her.
What is their problem? Don’t they know you’re not supposed to start your homework until a few minutes before bedtime?
“Good,” Sue’s mom said. “I’ll see you girls later. I love you.”
“I love you too, Mom.”
Sue’s mom closed the door.
“My mom is such a pain,” Sue said. “I wish I was an orphan.”
“Me too,” agreed Midori. “All my parents ever do is criticize me.”
“I’m hungry,” said Sharon, as if that had anything to do with what they were talking about.
I was hungry too. I wish I had some of those chips and pretzels I volunteered to bring. I thought the girls were going to go get some food, but they just sat there as if nobody had said anything about being hungry.
“What do you want to do?” asked Maria.
“I don’t know. What do you want to do?” asked Midori.
“Let’s talk about everything we did today,” suggested Sue. “Then, let’s talk about all the things we’re going to do tomorrow!”
“That’s a great idea!” said Sharon.
And that’s exactly what they did, for like a half an hour. They talked about every class they were in, every teacher who said anything to them, every boy who looked at them, every girl who complimented their clothes, and every person who snubbed them. They talked about who was mean, who they weren’t going to invite to their birthday parties, who had a crush on who, who they were going to sit next to at lunch the next day, and everything they ate.
