by Tiffany Sala
But never mind what he thought for the moment: why was he here? Had he come here deliberately trying to target me? I could tell from the way Tamara had stiffened she was wondering exactly the same thing, probably remembering a terrible scene she’d had with her boyfriend in here a few weeks before. It was horrifying that this was just part of the territory with these boys.
“Aileen,” said Axel with a nod. Somehow he was managing to convey in just that look that he remembered everything he’d seen the night before when he was looking at me now. It was making it pretty hard for me to look at him, that was for sure. “I was just in here to check out the technology section. A bit dated, but that’s to be expected I guess. Feeling very inspired after the arrangement I hooked up last night with your dad.”
Tamara couldn’t even pretend her mind wasn’t blown at that. “Oh yeah, I didn’t get around to telling you yet… Axel and my dad are going to be working together on a product.”
This seemed to fill her with the kind of confusion that hurt. “Is that… the patent you were talking about before?” Her face furrowed even harder when I nodded, but Tamara was never the brightest, poor thing. “Well… it sounds like it’ll be exciting, right?”
“If our friend Mr. Anderson can keep up with me.” He winked and swapped a small book between his hands. “Well, I’ll be seeing you around.”
“Okay, I totally understand why a lot of stuff has been forgiven,” Tamara whispered. “He gave your dad a job? And like… this tech invention stuff pays really well, doesn’t it? It’s got to be better for him than what he was doing before.”
“As our friend Mr. Bennett was just hinting,” I said, “he has to be able to not flake out on the job.”
“Oh, yeah.” Tamara winced. Her mother was a slightly different type of flake, but she knew enough about the lifestyle to sympathise.
But, Tamara being Tamara, she didn’t get the subtext of this whole deal. I’d given Axel everything he wanted, and he’d used it to conduct a hostile takeover of my life. Excepting whatever I could make at my own job he owned me financially… and he’d proven he could overwhelm me physically too, with his strength if he needed but mostly with the power of what he could do.
Dad had already called his old work to quit. There were plenty of options of people I could talk to about what was happening… but if I disrupted this arrangement we would be even more screwed than we’d already been… and I didn’t even know which of them would believe me now. Mrs. Hitchens hadn’t been pleased to learn I wasn’t honest with her about that photo in the first place. Callie and Tamara had all the incentive in the world to wilfully not believe me. As for Dad… if I’d told him his new friend Axel had murdered someone in cold blood in the middle of the school grounds, he would probably have been able to come up with a reason it was actually the victim’s fault.
I flinched at Tamara’s hand on my shoulder. “You know what I think? You’re getting way too in your head about this, and trust me, that’s a bad thing. You need to just stop worrying and let it happen.” Her smile was a little sour. “You’re not so different from us that you couldn’t be happy getting involved with someone like Axel.”
Being invited to trust Tamara was exactly how I knew my life had all gone wrong… and come to think of it, Tamara was one of the root causes of that. But I was starting to feel a lot more sympathy for her over the choices she’d made, so I didn’t let my fear get in my head and cause me to lash out at someone who was going through her own stuff.
“Hey, Tamara, don’t worry about me. You don’t need to. You know I always work my shit out.”
I had to, when nobody else was around to do it for me.
It wasn’t until my last class of the day, where I sat in the middle of a group of people who were usually a massive lot of fun, that I realised what was going on, why I was so much in my head. I was used to having people to talk to anywhere I went. Like, I’d come in from lunch and hook up with a different group to the one I came out with.
Nobody was talking to me now. That group I was sitting in the middle of were having enough trouble talking to one another, broken up in twos and threes with me in the middle ruining the vibe. I was pretty sure Carly and Jen were muttering about me at one point, too.
I tried to remember what had happened during other minor sexting scandals at the school. How I’d felt, how I reacted. I thought there was one girl I’d been a bit careful talking to for a while, in case I said something that triggered her. Eighteen-year-old culture is full of edgy jokes and a lot of yelling about crazy shit that happened at parties over the weekend… not that I went to the parties. Anyway, it’s got to be hard if you’re in a state of mind where things like that will remind you of what happened… but I still talked to her. Was I just more of a decent human than everyone else in this school? That couldn’t be right.
Now this sudden isolation had me on the edge of questioning the nature of humanity. It really gave me some insight into why Tamara and Callie were the way they were. Both of them spent so much time on their own. Once you started, it had to make it so much harder to get back to where other people were mentally.
Callie ran into me on the way to the bus after class. I was late, because I’d spent some time trying to draw clothing on the poor heap of erogenous zones on my locker door. If maintenance were too busy to deal with that blatant obscenity I was now forced to look at a few times each day, nobody could blame me for taking matters into my own hands.
“Callie, sorry, I’ve got to—”
“I was wondering if you’d like to come out with us for a bit,” said Callie. “Just a few of us hanging out for a few hours. I’ll drive you home.”
And Callie was handing out invitations. I tried to wrap my head around this world where perhaps the only people who would give me their time were the popular buttholes who would turn everyone else off me even further.
When I didn’t answer, Callie shot me a little sideways smile. “We’re going to go out and look at formalwear,” she said, as if that was supposed to lure me in.
Well, on any other day it would have been tempting. I love looking at expensive dresses, running my fingers through rows of them on a rack and trying to pick out the different fabrics, matching necklines to necklaces. But it’s the sort of thing that feels empty without friends, and my friends have the same problem I do: just being able to afford the one dress for that one night is going to be a challenge. I was pretty sure of Tamara and Callie only Tamara even cared, but I was also pretty sure Lucas was going to insist Callie attend and buy her some obnoxious gaudy dress her boobs would look fantastic in so she couldn’t wriggle out of it. And that it was going to be in need of a serious dry-cleaning by the end of that night.
My situation had changed pretty dramatically, though. Okay, if Dad could hold onto whatever work Axel was going to give him, maybe I wouldn’t have to worry about how much my dress cost… but now that he’d pissed on my reputation, I didn’t see any of the guys who might have taken me offering. I wouldn’t be able to pretend I was having the romantic experience of my life with a guy I at least got along with. It might even just be too uncomfortable for me to turn up at all. I didn’t think everyone was likely to forget in the next few weeks that they believed they’d already seen what was under my bodice.
Callie was edging closer. “Lucas says it’s getting really late in the piece to pick out a dress, that all the good stuff ends up going.” It seemed she’d already been brought around to her fate. “I’d like to get Tamara along too, but you know she would hate having to spend time with Ashleigh and Carlene. They’ve already got their dresses but I sort of said I’d let Carlene help me pick something out, and then it just…” She shrugged.
“I’d better get home and make sure Dad’s staying on task,” I told her, which was true actually. “He—”
“Oh yeah, Tamara told me about the job thing with Axel. Good on your dad, I hope it’s a big success.”
“Me too. Hey, maybe you can come out with me and
Tamara and help us pick something after Lucas has inevitably overruled anything you wanted to get.”
Callie scowled at me.
I opened the front door and froze at a soft squeaking noise and a thump.
“Aileen?” Dad’s voice rose above the TV. “Did you knock over my books?”
I was staring at the scattered pile of shiny volumes in front of my feet. Arduino, Raspberry Pi… I’d done some of that stuff in my computing class the year before and hadn’t liked it much. Apparently I was doomed to have it follow me home anyway.
“Dad, did you buy all these today?” When I crouched to straighten up the stack, some of the books still shrinkwrapped, I was unfortunate enough to get a glimpse of some of the prices. Good content or not, we could not afford that kind of stuff.
“Oh, your young friend Axel gave me a bit of an advance to help me with looking into some of these technologies he’s interested in exploring.”
“An advance… on what?” I finally made my way into the lounge. There was Dad, with a cup of coffee and a bowl of chips and zero of his new books.
“I can see more or less where you’re going, Aileen, and you need to stop it. No, your dad has not ‘spent all his salary on nonsense’.” He was quoting something I’d once said to Marcia in a fit of extreme aggravation with surprising accuracy given he could rarely remember to pick up extra tampons for me on time despite that requirement being depressingly regular. “I’m to get an allowance for research purposes. Obviously I’m not up on everything that’s out there at the moment; nobody can be expected to manage that. So I need to invest early.”
I hadn’t been able to come to terms with Axel having financial control over my dad enough yet to be ready to see the evidence of that. “You should have asked me, Dad, I have some textbooks that might be helpful.”
“These aren’t schoolbooks, Aileen.” Never mind I had one of the exact same books from last year. “Honestly, I’m a little disappointed in you. I feel like you’ve been trying to cast a shade over this arrangement from the beginning, and I don’t understand it. Is this jealousy?”
“Jealousy… over what?”
Dad leaned back in his chair and said, “You tell me, Aileen,” like that was some super-zinger.
“I’m not exactly worried you’re going to sleep with him or anything.”
“And I’m not bothered if you do,” Dad retorted. “Because that’s part of the issue, isn’t it? You think I’m going to go off at you for whatever’s going on between you two. Well, you’re a grown woman now, your personal life is your business.”
I was stuck between horror that he’d noticed a weird vibe between us (as if the photo hadn’t screamed ‘weird vibe’ in six different languages) and horror that he’d found some way to interpret it as that kind of connection.
Dad laughed. “I was at your stage of life once too, Aileen. I know what it looks like… and after coming through it I’m still here, bad decisions and all. Not that I’m saying you’re making any right now, I guess what I’m trying to tell you is you shouldn’t worry too much. Other people might be watching you closely to see if you trip up, but I’m not. I have complete confidence in you.”
Sometimes, he could even say exactly the right thing. It made my heart so soft, I wanted to confide in him. Tell him what was really going on and sit back to suck my thumb while he fixed it.
But there was nothing he could do to fix it that wouldn’t make our lives worse. So I had to keep my mouth shut.
I turned to head to my room. I could do with a lie down. “Just give me a yell if you need any help with those books, Dad.”
He threw a chip at me.
Chapter Twelve
School formal season was probably supposed to be the time all a girl’s remaining girlhood dreams came true. I don’t know, I don’t watch those sorts of movies.
For me, all my worst nightmares were coming true.
Dad opened up a couple of his new books and spent some time looking at the pictures, then after a few days of getting high, which he explained was ‘part of his process’, he went out and brought home a 3D printer. He spent one entire sleepless night on that and was still in his workshop with it when I got up the next morning, glaring at it in place of actually doing something useful with it. Bits of twisted and sometimes burned plastic were everywhere.
That afternoon when I was able to check on him again, he’d draped a few towels over the offending piece of machinery, and he wouldn’t talk about it any more.
The Saturday after the printer disaster, Axel was scheduled to come to our house ‘to see what progress was being made’. I would have loved to have the excuse of work to keep me well out of the area, but my boss was only giving me one shift a week at the moment and calling it a favour ‘because exam season is so tough’. Since everyone had stopped speaking to me properly I had plenty of damn time to study. Well, at least I would graduate soon and then I was going to take my reliable work history to a nice job with fixed hours. I was working on an application to the local university too, I had my eye on law, but I probably wouldn’t be able to take that up assuming I even got an offer. I’d heard it was hard work, and I already had too much hard work at home. If I even still had a home by the end of the year.
With no money to be made that day, I didn’t think I’d be able to enjoy going out for fun—Callie was working anyway and Tamara was busy with her sister and Steven, and who else would I even—
Then I realised there was one person who might be willing to spend some time with me, assuming he could forgive me for ditching him after he’d stuck his neck out for me in a major way. And at the moment, I could meet up with him and there was nothing Axel could do about it.
Dodging Dad skipping around clearing things out of his workshop like he was preparing the area for a visiting girlfriend, I pulled out my phone and started typing an instant message to Matt. At least with him there was a bit of message history from last year, when we’d been working on a group project and trying to coordinate homework efforts.
Hey. I’m sorry I kind of ditched you when you were trying to help me before.
The response came back within a couple of minutes. It’s okay. I understand, more than most I think.
Can we meet up and talk about it some more?
My heart was really pounding after I sent that message. It was a little embarrassing, like I felt there was some romantic subtext or something. I was mostly afraid he would think I was using him now there was nobody else for me to spend my time with… because honestly, what else would you call this?
Is Axel going to be at your house today?
Yup…
Thought so. Don’t worry, I get it. I’d offer to pick you up otherwise but I think we could all do without that scene. I’ll give you my address, if you can get partway on the bus maybe I can pick you up from the bus stop?
I hadn’t realised how much this would lift my mood until I was yelling a goodbye down the stairs to Dad and running down the driveway with my bag still hanging open so I could be well clear of the area before Axel arrived. The thought of talking to someone I didn’t have to justify everything I was doing to or hide anything from was wonderful.
Matt was waiting at the bus stop when I got off, and almost dragged me to his car. Maybe he was starved for good company too.
“I wanted to apologise again,” I started once we were buckling in, “for—”
“Please don’t,” Matt said. “I get it. Axel’s a dick you don’t want to have to screw with if you can help it.”
“But I don’t want you to think I’m taking advantage of you—”
Again, he waved me off. “We’re basically the founding members of the Axel Bennett Support Club, aren’t we?”
“Great, so where do I turn in my membership card?”
Matt failed at not laughing. It was nice to be able to make someone laugh again. Dad used to find me funny all the time when I was younger, he’d brag to his friends and girlfriends about his smartarse daughter. N
ow he just bitched that I’d gotten all serious, like every ‘damn woman’.
Matt’s neighbourhood was hard to get to by public transport because it was fairly new, the bus timetables years off being adjusted to provide regular service. Probably most of the residents had little interest in taking the bus. The shelter by the stop was still only partially built, but there was no chance an area with houses this big would have its complaints ignored.
“I’d suggest we study together,” Matt said, “but that seems a bit stereotypical of me, and anyway I’ve been spending so much time avoiding everyone who’s pissed off at me, I’m prepared about ten times over.”
I groaned. “Me too. Let’s just watch a movie or something.”
“How long until you… uh, until you’ll be good to go home?” Matt asked.
“No idea. The way my dad goes on sometimes, could be into the evening. I assume he’ll drop me a line when the coast is clear.”
“At least once we get into the garage, there’s no way Axel will see you’re here unless—oh.” He groaned. “Oh, fuck.”
“What is it?” But by that time, I’d already seen.
Axel himself, in the flesh, was standing on the street outside one of the improbable houses we were rolling by. He was following Matt’s car with a stare that didn’t seem like the regular sort of friendly look you shot someone you knew. I didn’t have to question whether he’d seen me sitting in there.
Matt was grimacing. “Here we go again. I thought you said he could be at your dad’s place for hours?”
“My dad’s pretty unreliable like that. Sorry.”
“It’s not really your fault,” said Matt, although he was struggling to make that statement sound convincing. We turned up into a driveway with the garage door already rising to welcome us, but suddenly it felt like a gigantic mouth opening to devour me. I put my hands over my face.
