by Tiffany Sala
The other part was that I really didn’t want Matt to be in love with Axel. I had no idea if Axel would go for that or not, but surely Matt had a stronger claim on him than I did. All that childhood history. And I didn’t want that to be the case.
It wasn’t the most feminist of moments, to discover I wasn’t done with a man out of jealousy over a friend, of all things. But once I was facing the possibility of not really wanting to just walk away from Axel at the end of this night, I was starting to let all sorts of thoughts loose. I wasn’t sure what they all added up to, but that I needed to give him that opportunity he wanted to talk… that was clear.
I explained to him about the thing with Matt first. He started out listening carefully to me, nodding… and then as it sank in, he had to stop and brace himself against the doorway leading to the balcony, until he got his laughter under control.
“I have had people tell me before I’m quite funny,” I informed him.
“I don’t understand how someone can go from talking me flat the way you do, to a theory as inane as my best friend having romantic feelings for me.”
His wording startled me. “Is he still your best friend, then?”
He blinked at me for a few seconds like he hadn’t realised what he’d said. “I haven’t found another since those days. Assuming anyone still cares about that sort of thing, he would be the one.”
“I haven’t had a proper best friend since primary school either,” I told him. “Even those… I’d have them for a few weeks, and then it seemed like they’d move on. Find a new best friend or a group I was only on the edges of. I stayed friendly with a lot of people back then, but I didn’t really fit in anywhere.”
We stepped out onto the balcony together, startling Tyrell and Fiona on the edge of some encounter that probably wouldn’t have been compatible with OH&S requirements concerning balconies. Axel swung a spanking hand in the air behind Tyrell’s arse as he followed Fiona back inside. “I can really see that in you now. You have friends everywhere, but you’re not really a part of most of those groups.”
I felt like correcting him was petty, but I couldn’t help myself. “I used to have friends everywhere. I’m not sure I can go back, after everything that’s happened.”
“I’m sorry,” Axel said. I held my breath, but there was no but.
It made me want to give something in return. “I guess I’m not that trusting, these days.”
“That’s funny, because I keep thinking tonight you’re too trusting. You give up too much of yourself without making anyone work for it.”
It was like we were squabbling again, but the energy between us was much more gentle. “If you seem to be giving up a lot already, people don’t dig any deeper.”
Axel nodded, and leaned his forearms on the railing of the balcony, which was a quite ugly little corner that had seen at least one person sneak out for a smoke that night already, if my nose was correct. Probably Ms. Miller. “You’re a different kind of secretive to what I’m used to, at least. You do it to protect yourself or people you care about, not to gain an advantage over anyone else. I find that quite interesting.”
I shrugged. “I think I was getting an advantage with you. I think I was using you to explore things about myself I find a bit embarrassing, to convince myself I didn’t have any choice so I didn’t need to think about the choice I was making.”
“And I still abused that trust. So what’s the trick here?”
I was trying not to take his gruffness personally. He was clearly finding this rapid turnaround disconcerting.
But I’d watched him while I ate, my head down or tilted away but my eyes constantly on the move so nobody could say for sure. That was another thing I was good at: watching people I didn’t want to know I had that much interest in them. I used to watch Marcia putting on her makeup before leaving the house, always on the edge of asking her if she could help me with a few things… but it wasn’t essential, I told myself, I shouldn’t bother her to do things I could probably figure out myself by watching enough tutorials on YouTube.
The fact that I’d gone almost makeup-free that evening spoke to how I hadn’t figured it out. And now it was too late.
“I keep thinking about how good it was to work with you on that deal,” I said. “A team in this thing rather than fighting over stupid things like unenforceable patents.” Axel raised an eyebrow in my direction. “I think I was too caught up in the whole thing initially, so I didn’t think too much about it. But there’s nothing you could logically have expected Dad and I to do with that patent. Like, fighting over patents legally takes a lot of money, and Dad couldn’t even afford to fight for proper custody of his sons. And you’re just not a big enough deal for anyone good to want to take it on as a matter of principle or whatever.”
“You’re right,” said Axel. “Little brat. It was never about the patent, and I think you’re smart enough that we never need to say out loud what it was somewhat about.”
His mother. I was happy not to talk about that if he didn’t want to.
I took a surprised step back when Axel turned on me, and found my back up against a brick wall. Axel advanced on me enough to box me in a little, the railing on one side and his arm leaning against that wall on another.
“I’m never going to go back,” he said. “We were always one or two pay periods away from everything disintegrating, being too far behind on our rent to catch up, getting this or that cut off. All those favours I can call in on now, the list of contacts Dad and I share… none of them wanted to know us until we made that money back. Not fucking one. I don’t know how you live like that all the time, Aileen, with someone you know can never get you out of it. Especially when it’s not for any good reason. I could never do it.”
“I’ve got no choice,” I said… but that wasn’t quite right, and his stare challenged me to do better. “I didn’t realise I had a choice. At least you knew what it was like to have that kind of life. You had an idea of what you were supposed to be getting back to. For me… I didn’t know anything. I’d always lived that way.”
Axel’s next question startled me. “What about your dad, then? How was he brought up, what were his parents like?”
“I only know my grandma, she’s been in a home for years now, mentally she’s… in her own world, these days. Dad doesn’t talk about his childhood much, he says it was happy but… he always rolls his eyes a bit when I tell him about some of the funny things Grandma’s been saying and doing when I visit her. Like he doesn’t see her as being terribly funny to him. He doesn’t really bother visiting her himself.”
I had never thought about it that way, just as I suspected Axel had never thought about what it would be like to have never had the things he’d had to fight to regain. Maybe Dad’s life would have been a bit closer to Axel’s, if he’d had an upbringing that raised it into him.
And maybe Axel still had a lot to learn.
“You need to have more confidence in yourself,” I told him. “Stop feeling like you have to go on the attack with everyone when your own abilities are just fine to get you through.”
He bumped foreheads with me. “You, too. The confidence thing.”
I was aware that I had somehow ended up in a tender moment with the same guy I’d just insisted I was going to have nothing further to do with, and I knew a lot of people were going to look at me like I was an idiot. They would see me as the final act in a very weird trilogy of compromises made for money, for status and power.
But it wasn’t my fault they felt that way, was it? I had to start really believing what I claimed I believed, that I was a unique situation worthy of being considered on its own merits. And that meant I had to accept the same probably applied for Tamara… and especially for Callie.
And none of it was anyone else’s business unless we needed it to be, was it?
It was a struggle to meet his eyes for the next part, because it still scared me that I was going to take this step. But I was determined to do it
now, and I needed to project the kind of confidence I wanted to feel. “I’m going to accept that you made a really bad call when you started that recording on impulse. That maybe it’s not actually representative of the best of who you can be.”
He put his cheek down against my forehead, pinning me in a weird but somehow comforting embrace. I could smell him: not that awful fragrance he’d been adopting to psych me out, either. Something subtle, fresher.
“Are you sniffing me?” Axel asked.
“A little,” I admitted.
His chuckle vibrated through my skull. “I’ve succeeded.”
“In conditioning me? If you wanted me to notice you’re using something different, sure.”
“I’m trying to be a bit less… gaudy. Because subtlety is clearly to your taste, which is strange because there’s not a lot that’s subtle about you.”
“Why you selected those particular breasts for me, of course.”
“It was a message on multiple levels.”
“Kind of a cry for help if you ask me,” I observed. “Well…”
Far more serious things bubbled under the rhythm of our banter: things it was easier to avoid for the moment.
Finally, I said, “I’ve decided to give you that chance you wanted. One chance. You don’t have to be perfect, but I need to see that you’re making a real effort to be on my side, at least. No peeking in my bank account or psyching me out with stupid tricks. No more playing your own game because you’re afraid I might screw you over. You know I’m not going to screw you over. If you’ve missed that after all this, you don’t deserve my time.”
The way he was tensing up was kind of endearing. It was like a dog, when you gave him attention and he was wound up because he wanted more. I hadn’t realised I could be such a prize to anyone.
“I won’t let you down,” he told me.
“Let’s just have a good time for the moment and not make any predictions.”
There was something else that was brewing inside of me, a thought that was too far out there to give any serious attention. I wanted to make a perverse point of my own, to feel on that night like everyone around me understood they were only ever going to be able to mess with me on my own terms.
Like Dad, I was a bit prone to going too far once I got an idea in my head. Dad would probably think this was funny if he got to hear about it, which was a bad sign… and this was Hobart, too. This was something that would be doing the rounds in legend for decades to come.
Axel’s forehead had made its way down to my shoulder, so he was directing his words to my collarbone. “If I am permitted to make a suggestion now…”
“I will allow it.”
“How about we move this to the floor inside? We might as well be enjoying a good slow dance at this point, but we can hardly hear the music from here and there’s nobody else around.”
“You want to be seen, you mean.” I was starting to firm up in my resolve. What was the worst that could come of it, anyway?
“It’s more like… out here, we can’t be watched. And that means… I keep thinking about how I could just turn you over this railing, and…”
I was glad he couldn’t see my face at the moment… but as close as he was, he was probably getting a few other cues as to my state of mind. “I want to make sure you don’t have any recording devices on you this time, though. A search might be in order.”
He flung his head back to smirk at me. “Already the cracks are forming.”
“And,” I continued while I had that little bit of distance from him, “there’s something I intend to do first. Think of it as a little statement I need to make to feel like this really is my choice. I’m sure it’s a gesture you won’t forget.”
“Aileen?”
I pushed him aside so I could lead the way back through the door and get a bit of a head start. By the time Axel realised what was about to happen might not be something he wanted to allow to happen, by the time he was trying to call to me and catch me, I was halfway across the crowded dance floor, weaving my way between questionable moves everyone would be willing to forget tomorrow. Being a lot smaller than Axel and a bit notorious these days, I was able to keep my lead on him and climb the steps up to the stage without anyone stopping me.
“Friends!” I shouted, grasping for the microphone. Axel had skidded to a halt at the bottom of the stairs. I think he realised he was on seriously wobbly turf if he wanted to grab me and drag me down. Anyway, I had almost everyone’s attention now and I was going to have my moment. Several of the attending staff were squirming and glancing around, of which I could see Ms. Miller closest by at the foot of the stage, but they all seemed wary about interrupting me too.
Well, they should be. And they should be even more worried about letting me go ahead.
I didn’t have a speech prepared, of course. But I was good at talking. “It’s been a tough year for some of us—it’s been a tough schooling career, right?” A lot of claps and loud proclamations of agreement. They were going to be even happier that I didn’t have an extended monologue planned for them. “Well, I won’t keep you from your celebrations too long, but there is one little thing that needs to be addressed before we can all move on with our lives—and by we, I mostly mean me. I’m sure you all already know I’m talking about a certain photo a lot of you still have on your phones or saved in your downloaded files on your laptops.”
There was a lot of squirming across the hall now, and some of it was coming from the responsible adults in the room. Ms. Miller was trying frantically to get my attention from her floor location.
“Just to be clear, I am not going to go into that whole mess or expect any of you to prove your hands are clean,” I said. “That would be too depressing. I just want to clear up a little misconception that’s been standing way too long. It’s clear a lot of you think that image—and the parts it exposes—are actual naked parts of me, and that has never been the case. It is a forgery, and a terrible one you should all have been able to see through.” A lot of murmuring ensued. “But I know none of you are going to believe this until you get the sort of proof you can’t argue with. And I shouldn’t indulge that… but I’m just so fed up with all this silent judgement, and when it comes down to it I just don’t care, so…”
I put my hands around behind my back to lower my zipper, and before Axel’s shout of protest even reached my ears, I had let go, so my dress dropped down to my waist.
There was not any room for a bra under there. I was showing them everything.
I counted to four in my head, expecting someone to run up and halt me, but the general theme of the room was ‘frozen in horror’. Tamara and Callie were poking one another over the top of a clearly unimpressed Lucas, and failing not to laugh. Matt, who seemed to have been caught still midway through his dessert, had his face in his hands; I noticed Danny was not being nearly so shy.
Once I got to four, I pulled the front of the dress up and took my time adjusting it so it would sit properly in place, then I put my hand up to stop Ms. Miller, who had finally found the nerve to get on stage with me. “Relax, I’m not going to follow suit with the vulva. For all I know it might look just like that one that was edited in, anyway.”
I took a moment to check on Axel. He was still waiting by the steps, his face now a mixture between intense amusement and horror.
“So that’s really most of what I wanted to say,” I told my stunned audience. “I hope you can see now that those breasts were not my breasts, bear absolutely no resemblance to my breasts. Not that it matters, because all of you knew those were not breasts that were meant for you, and you’re all more than old enough to know better than to insert yourselves into a situation that has nothing to do with you. So I hope those of you who didn’t treat me with the respect I deserved just because I couldn’t see it at the time—I hope you guys think about my real boobs a lot. I hope they turn you on a little when you do, and that you feel really bad because of it. That’s going to be my lasting gif
t to you.” I bowed, took a few steps towards the stairs, then stopped again. “Have a nice life, everyone!”
I tripped two steps from the ground level, of course. Axel caught me, and gave me a hard squeeze against him as if he hoped to protect me from all those interested eyes just a little too late. “You just had to try to make that point to me, didn’t you?”
“What point? Like you said, people didn’t have to act the way they did because of that photo. The point was for their benefit.”
Axel slung an arm around my neck and walked me away. “Oh, you’re not wriggling out of it that easily because I know exactly what you’re doing. I already get it. If I think for a second you’re not as strong as me, that I can call your bluff… that’s the second I’ve lost. We’ve already passed that second, Aileen. You didn’t have to expose yourself to…”
I had been keeping careful track of my feet so I didn’t fall over with the pace he was dragging me out of there, but when he trailed off I looked up. Mrs. Hitchens and Ms. Miller were standing in front of us.
“Aileen,” Mrs. Hitchens began, but she didn’t seem to know where to go from there.
“It’s been a lovely turnout, hasn’t it?” I continued for her. “I know a few people who were uncertain about coming, not convinced they’d enjoy it… but I feel like there’s been something for everyone so far.”
Mrs. Hitchens started coughing a lot. Ms. Miller opened and closed her mouth several times, then thought better of it in general.
“Just in case I don’t see you again,” I added, with a very big slice of unspoken I hope not. “Thanks for being there for me when things were tough. None of this could ever have turned out as it did without your input and guidance.”
They were both staring at how little space was between Axel and I, and I could tell it was pushing the limits of some non-interference policy of Ms. Miller’s to not address that.
“So what’s ahead for you, then?” Mrs. Hitchens finally got out. A safe inroad.
“It seems like life is pushing me in the direction of a law career.” Suddenly I was settled on this idea. Something about my impulsive decision to talk with Ashleigh about her knowledge had made it clearer to me. Ashleigh was just in it for the money and the status, because her super-successful family expected something similarly high-flying for her career. I could make this matter a little bit more. “I think at first I’ll just be doing whatever I can in the industry, but long-term I have a real passion for getting into patent law.”
