Married.
It made me sad how final that was. I wondered what her dress had been like. Did she look stunning and had she had that bridal glow about her? Had he looked adoringly at her as they said their vows? And were they in bed right now, making love?
Probably.
A fresh batch of tears sprang from my eyes and I bent double as the anguish I felt manifested as physical pain in my stomach. How could I have been so damned stupid? Okay, so falling for Si hadn’t been intentional. And it was damned weird considering who he was. But when it comes down to it, you can’t help who you fall in love with. You can choose to do nothing about it. You can choose to ignore it, but that doesn’t make it go away. I think subconsciously I had known from the first time we made love. There had been this connection between us. An invisible thread that joined us. Partly, it was the grief we shared, but there was more to it than that. But I ignored it and dismissed it. I pretended I had imagined the feelings and pushed them down. Only now that I knew it was love, I knew the feelings weren’t imagined. They were real. But thanks to my own unwillingness to see what was right under my nose, I had lost him.
Just like I had lost his brother.
I picked up my mobile and flicked through my photos until I landed on the one I had secretly taken of the song lyrics Si had written for me. At the time, I had taken the photo without realising why the song meant so much. But now I realised why the poetry had tugged at my heart and why I couldn’t stop reading the words and wishing he still felt that way…
*
Your heart beats next to mine but I wait for you to leave,
I’ve wanted for so long to wear my heart upon my sleeve.
I want to see you laugh, to see the light upon your face.
The one he used to put there, that no one could erase.
I’ve loved you for so long now and you don’t even know,
how much my heart will break when it’s time for me to go.
I want to see you laugh, see the light upon your face
and I wish that I could put it there, but
I can’t be in his place.
Chapter 35
Si
*
We reached my room and I checked my watch. It was past one in the morning and here I was, ready to take that oh-so-important step with Bobbie. The step that would show her I was willing to make a go of a serious relationship with her. I opened my room door and stepped inside. As soon as the door closed behind us, she leapt into my arms, just as she had that night at the club. Our mouths collided and our breaths rasped. I wanted her. To be inside of her. To feel her around me.
She wanted me too, that much was clear as she ground herself into me and I slipped my hand underneath her to discover that she was, in fact, naked under her dress. A voice in the back of mind told me I would regret this. That I wasn’t on the same page as Bobbie and that I would only hurt her in the long run. But I pushed my conscience back and did my best to ignore it. Fear of moving forward had never got me anywhere, after all.
Bobbie stopped kissing me and rested her forehead on mine. “Is it okay if I just go back to my room and freshen up? We’ve been dancing and I want to make sure I’m as sexy as I can be.�
I tried to calm my lust-filled, ragged breaths. “But I want you now. Don’t go.�
The responding smile told me I had almost convinced her. But she dropped her feet to the floor and shook her head. “Let me put it another way. I need to go back to my room to get into something a lot less comfortable.�
“Ohhhh!� It dawned on me that she must have brought sexy underwear. “Well, in that case…� I kissed her again and smoothed my hand down to her breast, tweaking her nipple through the tight fabric. “I had better let you go.�
She licked her lips and stepped back. She reached into her clutch bag and grabbed her room key. Jingling it a little, she stepped towards the door. “Yeah, you’d better. But don’t start without me, okay?�
I shook my head as I watched her leave. “Oh, no. I’m saving myself for your return.�
She slinked out of my room and closed the door behind her.
I stared at the door briefly, wondering what I should do now. Should I get naked and wait in the bed, or would that be too presumptuous? Should I open the bottle of champagne we had taken from the bar and pour us a drink? It would have to be in teacups though, as we forgot to get glasses.
The whole thing was starting to feel a little bit like a hook up, whereas I had thought this was going to be me showing her I was willing to make some kind of commitment. Didn’t sexy undies come later in a relationship? Although, I hadn’t done the relationship thing in a while… or ever… so I decided I should just go with the flow.
As I stood there trying to straighten my mind about it all, I heard a ringing coming from her bag. I ignored it and let it ring. It stopped and I presumed it had gone to voicemail so I went back to my pondering.
I decided to at least take off my jacket and tie. Once I had done that, I began to roll up my sleeves, but her phone started to ring again. Maybe it’s important. Maybe I should take it to her so she can answer it? Ahh, but no, that would ruin her surprise. I imagined she would want to return in a robe to cover up whatever she was wearing and make a big entrance. The phone stopped again.
I kicked off my shoes and pulled off my socks and sat in the chair by the window. The phone started ringing again. It was getting on my nerves and I was thinking it must definitely be important, or whoever it was would just leave a message and be done. I reached over the bed to her clutch bag and slipped my hand inside to retrieve the phone.
I glanced at the illuminated screen in utter confusion. Dean? That’s odd. She must have a friend called Dean as well as a deceased brother.
Figuring I should explain that she wasn’t available, I hit the green handset symbol and lifted the phone to my ear. “Hello, Bobbie’s phone?�
There was a silent pause at the other end, so I repeated, “Hello? Bobbie’s phone? Who’s calling?� I felt like a bloody secretary.
“Um… hi. I’m sorry, is Roberta there please?� The caller was male and had an American accent.
Who? “Oh, I’m sorry you must have the wrong number. This is—�
“Bobbie’s phone. Yeah, you said. Is Roberta there, please?�
I was getting a little pissed off now. “I’m sorry, mate, I don’t know anyone of that name. Did you not hear what I said?�
“Jesus, fuck. How dumb are you, man? Roberta is Bobbie. I should fucking know. She’s my goddam sister.�
What the fuck kind of sick joke is this? I pulled the handset away from my ear and checked the screen again. The name on the display was definitely Dean. I scrambled around my alcohol addled brain trying to get my thoughts straight. There had to be an explanation. Maybe she had another brother and he used their dead brother’s phone and she hadn’t been able to face changing the name on the… but wait… she said there were only two of them. Dean and Bobbie…
My heart leapt in my chest. Something was very fucking wrong. “Who…who is this, please?�
Obnoxious bastard sighed heavily. “Seriously? My name is Dean. D. E. A. N. Dean. Roberta is my kid sister and I’ve been trying to get to talk to her for God knows how long now. Our parents are worried sick about her. If you have her, you’d better put her on the goddam phone, or I swear I’ll fucking—�
“I don’t have her. And I don’t know what you’re suggesting by that, but… Wait, are you Dean the drummer? Her older brother who drums in a band?�
The surly prick at the other end of the line snorted. “Drummer? Dude, I work constructio
n. The only things I hit are nails. What the fuck are you talking about and where’s my sister?�
I rubbed my fingers over my eyes and tried to digest what he was saying. “Like I said, I don’t have your sister. She’s here, yes, but of her own free will. Well… not here as in right here, but she’s in the building…�
“You’re rambling. That makes me more worried. Spit it out.�
“Bobbie… erm… Roberta is absolutely fine but she’s out at the minute. I’m sorry… I’m just a bit… erm… I don’t… Look, c-can I get her to call you back?�
“Shit. Look, dude, from the confusion in your voice, I’d say she’s done a number on you. She does this. She goes off the rails. She disappears for months at a time. She said she was going to Europe to follow some band. We thought she was kidding around. But she hasn’t called home in weeks and now we’re getting worried that she hopped a plane and went there after all. She’s a liar, man. But she’s still my kid sister. I just want to check she’s okay.�
I sighed as the world I had begun to imagine crumbled around me. “She’s… she’s here in Scotland just now. And she did follow a band.�
“Aww, crap. Scotland? I knew it. Shit, it must be so late there. It’s like seven in the evening here. Is she… is she okay, though? I mean, she hasn’t done anything crazy, has she? She’s not in any trouble?�
“She’s… she’s okay. But… can I ask you something?�
“Sure, man. Look, I’m sorry I jumped on you at the start of the call. I’m just freaking out here. Go ahead and ask me anything.�
I took a deep breath, unsure if I wanted to hear the truth. My chest ached and I rubbed the spot above my heart. “Has she ever lost a brother to a serious illness?�
“Lost as in dead? Nah. I’m her only brother and I’m still here. Why? What’d she say this time?�
I ignored his question and continued, “And were you and she named after Dean Martin and Bobby Vinton?�
“Bobby who?� Okay, that answers that question.
“And have you ever drummed in a band?�
“I’m sorry… what’s your name, man?�
I sighed. “Si. My name’s Si.�
“Okay, listen, Si, I hate to be the bearer of shitty news but I can almost guarantee that whatever she’s told you, chances are, she was fantasising. It’s what she does. She creates these imaginary worlds in her head and decides to become a different person. She’s like a fucking female Walter Mitty or something. Don’t get me wrong, she’s not crazy or anything. Just imaginative and damned selfish. She does it to get what she wants and it usually works. Says it makes life sweeter. But no, I’ve never picked up a drumstick in my life, never mind joined a band. Roberta played a little in school but stopped before college. Although, bizarrely, she’s kind of gifted at it.� He sighed as if exhausted from worrying. “Look, can you just get her to call me? I know she probably won’t but you could at least try to convince her. My mom and dad worry so much. If you ask me, they should waste there energy elsewhere but… well, she’s still their little girl. I call every so often to just make sure she’s okay. See if she needs money. I don’t want her resorting to stupid ways of getting cash, if you catch my drift. What my folks really want is for her to come home and stay here. But she won’t settle down. I doubt she ever will. But could you just ask her to call me? So I can put my mom and dad’s minds at ease. Selfish little bitch doesn’t think about them while she’s off on her wild adventures.� The venom was evident in his voice at his disdain for his sibling. “Just a quick call. That’s all I ask. Can you do that for me, Si?�
The ache inside got worse and I wasn’t sure if it was from the betrayal or from anger. Or both. “Yeah, I’ll do my best. Bye, Dean.�
I hit the end call button and stared at the handset as the door to my room opened.
Chapter 36
Si
*
Bobbie curled her leg around the door and rotated her foot. “Well, hello there. Did someone order room service?� It felt completely contrived. Especially in light of my recent conversation.
She was still wearing those sexy stiletto shoes from the wedding. I didn’t respond. How could I?
When she didn’t get the desired reaction from me, she poked her head around the door and frowned at me. “Oh, I thought you’d fallen asleep. I’m sorry I took so long, but I wanted to look good for you.�
She pouted and did that fluttery fucking eyelash thing. My nostrils flared and I fought to keep my cool. “Hey, no worries, Roberta. Why don’t you come on in?�
She stepped into the room and did a little sashay with her back to me as she untied the rope around her robe. She flung the tie backwards onto the bed and dropped the robe off one shoulder but then froze.
“What did you just call me?�
I clenched my jaw. “You heard me right.�
She swung around to face me, her cheeks pale and her eyes wide. “But… but how…?�
“I’ve just had a lovely chat on the phone. Long distance, of course. Very long distance, in fact. All the way from the great beyond.� I widened my eyes and waved my fingers in a mocking fashion.
She pulled the robe closed and wrapped her arms protectively around herself. “Oh, no. You’re mistaken. That will have been Dean my friend.� She shook her head. “He calls to see how I am… you know, since his namesake died.�
“Cut the fucking crap, Bobbie. You’re a liar. You’ve been lying all along.� I stood and pointed my finger at her. “It was all utter bullshit. Wasn’t it? Admit it.�
She fidgeted and stuck her tongue into one side of her mouth as her jaw jutted out. “No. No, I haven’t lied. How could you think that? You could’ve thought of a better way to dump me than to make up shit about my dead brother calling you. Thanks, Si. Thanks a lot.� Her voice wavered as she turned on the pathetic water works.
I scoffed. “So, you’re sticking to your stupid, crazy arse story?� I shook my head in utter incredulity. “My God. You’ve got tenacity, I’ll give you that much.�
“My brother is dead!� She bellowed at me. “He died in a terrible accident. But, of course, you’re the only one allowed to grieve, huh? It’s allll about Si Delaney. Well, I’ve got news, buster, other people have lost someone they love too. I thought we had that in common. I thought we could help each other to heal.�
I laughed out loud without the slightest hint of humour. “So, he died in a ‘terrible accident’ now?� I punctuated my response with air quotes. “Don’t you think you should’ve got your lies straight in your own head before you went on to try and manipulate me?�
Her brow creased and she reacted as if she had a bad smell under her nose. “Duh. He died in an accident because of his illness, dumbass.�
Oh, she was hilarious. But in the worst possible way. “Let’s start telling the truth here, okay? Your name is Roberta. Your brother works in construction and it would be fairly tricky to do that if he was dead. Oh, and you’re a fucking lying, manipulating bitch. Now, I suggest you get your shit together, get out of this hotel, and go find another fucking job because you are so done here. Finished.�
She burst into fake tears and screamed at me. “He is dead! Why are you saying this?�
“Because I’ve just spoken to him o
n the fucking phone! His name came up as Dean. I asked him outright. Just stop lying.�
She stamped her foot. “Well, why does it even matter? Okay, so Dean is alive. But I love you. I won’t do it again. Just stop yelling at me. It’s not like I killed your brother!�
I shook my head slowly and clenched my fists into balls at my side. I wanted to shake her, but I fought my urges and tried to calm my voice. “I don’t ever want to see your lying fucking face again, do you hear me? You took the one thing you knew about me. The thing that hurts more than anything and you used it to get what you wanted. Who the fuck does that? What kind of sick fuck do you have to be to lie about the death of a loved one just so we had something in common? What the fuck is wrong with you?�
My eyes stung and my jaw ached from clenching so hard, but I spat my words out with as much venom as I could muster because she deserved it. “I thought you were special. I thought for the first time in my fucking life I had met someone who got me. Got what I’d been through. I told you stories about my brother. I shared my innermost grief with you. And all that was based on a fucking lie. Have you any idea what you’ve done? How much you’ve hurt me? Do you even fucking care? Yes, I might be a man, and yes, I might look tough on the outside, but my brother was my best friend. My hero.� My jaw quivered and I inwardly berated myself for showing any emotion, but I couldn’t stop it. “And the pain I carry over losing him makes me so fucking weak on the inside that I never let anyone in. Never. But I let you in, Bobbie. I trusted you. And for what?�
She stared open-mouthed at me, her eyes blank. “But I can play the drums. I didn’t lie about that. And I know how to set up a kit.�
What the fuck? I gripped the strands of my hair and shook my head. I was exasperated. Dumbfounded. “Are you even listening to me? Can you even comprehend the damage you’ve caused? Eh? I don’t give a shit if you’re fucking Neil Peart. You’ve betrayed me in the worst possible way. Now get out. Please just get out.� I pointed at the door. My chest heaved and my head throbbed. It was two in the morning and I was exhausted.
In His Place: Sonic Idols Book #2 Page 18
