“No.”
“But you agreed to it.” He shook his head slowly. “I don’t even know what I’m doing here—why I’m bothering. You’re not going to tell me anything unless I already know it, and even then, you’re trying to convince me I’m crazy. If I did find out anything, it’d just make me sick—like this is making me.”
She wanted to be pissed. She wanted to be hurt. She felt it rise inside of her and had to blink back the tears again, but the rational side of her—which was buried pretty deeply in the hormones that were heightened during confrontations like this—acknowledged he wasn’t completely wrong. Mostly wrong, but not completely wrong.
“Dane, it’s like any community where the sacrifice of the individual is expected for the betterment of the whole.”
“So, I’m your sacrifice?” He said it through teeth gritted hard enough to crack them.
“No, I am. I brought you into this. So, as far as I can control it, it’ll be my neck on the line. If you violated something that I’d agreed to, I would invoke the right to die on your behalf. There’s typically a formal process in front of the pack, and I’d take your place. The Alpha can bypass that if he feels like it’s necessary—but I don’t think he’d dare.”
Dane’s jaw dropped, and he shook his head back and forth slowly. Then he recovered and said, “He’s clearly already decided it’s necessary. He’s already tried to kill me. Not that he would have, but he tried.”
She sighed. He wasn’t going to let this go. But it was mostly because he was an intelligent and fair man—both things she would have wanted in a mate…just not right this second.
“In our lives, we have a hierarchy: First is the pack. Second is our honor. Third is our Alpha’s will. Fourth is our mate. Finally, last is ourselves. Our packs are dwindling. We’re not keeping up with…some who are killing us. The pack is the most important. The continuation of the pack. And I’m…fertile right now, and I’m only this way once a year.”
“So, your mate is fourth. After your Alpha. So that’s why it’s okay for him to kill me if he wanted you—because what you want is in last place.” He shook his head. “He’ll always be a step above me regardless.”
“No.” The microwave beeped, and she turned and busied herself with the herbal tea. “The continuation of the pack is first, so if I choose my mate and only that mate to propagate with, our relationship comes first—above anything else. Above anything. That’s why I’m willing to die for you—well, for us. That’s why Jordan was trying to weaken our relationship, not kill you outright today. It was dishonorable, but I think he was upset about Cheri and trying to control what he could.”
She’d felt him coming closer as she spoke and when she finished speaking, he slid his arms around her waist and dropped a kiss on the back of her neck. “He has a funny way of grieving.”
“Also, you just piss him off.”
His breath tickled her skin as he laughed. “He pisses me off too. So, what about that day at my house?”
“He thought he could kill you before I’d decided—before my heart was involved. It would have been excused by the rest of the pack as putting the pack first because you were an impediment…and because he’d acted on instinct. He wasn’t rational that day. But it was already too late for that—for me, I mean, and even if it hadn’t been, it wouldn’t have ever been okay with me.”
It wasn’t a tender admission by any means. Hey, I wouldn’t have been okay with him killing you wasn’t much better than his thank you of yesterday, but she was still hoping he’d respond. His hands had slipped under the hem of her shirt, and one of his thumbs was rubbing the skin just below her ribs. It was making her breathe faster and her skin was tingling all over —deliciously. Mmm.
He pressed a kiss on the top of her head. “Is your head feeling better?”
“Yes.”
“I’m sorry I broke your door. I was worried about you.”
It cost her, but she said, “I’m sorry I slapped you.”
“It’s okay. I’m glad you snore or I would have been trying to induce vomiting or doing chest compressions.”
She laughed, even if she was grateful that hadn’t happened. If she’d woken to him jabbing his finger into the back of her throat that would have ranked much lower on her list than shaking her.
His arms tightened around her.
Their laughing like this was doing funny things to her insides—beyond the rub of their bodies together causing her hormones to hum and want more. Maybe offering her life for him, for them, might have been the best thing she’d done in her life. Beyond the instinct, beyond the rush, there was something deep and lasting. Maybe this really was something she shouldn’t run from.
As if he’d shared her thoughts, he asked, “So, our relationship comes first?”
“Yes.”
“For the good of the pack? Even if I’m not in your pack?”
“Well, clearly, they were hoping for someone a little more…”
“Furry?”
“Yes, but as a human and a Lycan can produce Lycan children just as much as two Lycans, and I’ve chosen you, you’re accepted.”
“So, it’s all about my ability to impregnate you? What if I’m sterile?”
She froze and swallowed. It caused an ache inside her. Within days, she was planning a whole life with this man, and she’d wanted that life to include children, but…well, there were other options. She was most likely fertile. “Then we don’t tell anyone,” she whispered. They couldn’t, and she didn’t want to.
She opened the packet of tea and dipped the bag mechanically. She’d never felt the ticking of her internal clock, but maybe that was because she’d never been pulled into someone’s life like this. She’d never wanted to have a family with anyone. Now she did. She really did.
“Are you?” she asked finally.
“Not that I know of.”
She exhaled in relief, and he laughed behind her.
“You’re an idiot.”
He dropped another kiss on the nape of her neck beneath her damp blond curls. It ignited a fire inside her, starting deep down and tingling up and out from her womb. Her hormones were about to rage out of control. She could already feel the build in her brain, swamping her self-control and will.
But cold showers were cold…and soul-destroying. She couldn’t do that again. If he hit them with the metaphorical hose again…
“Mmm. You’re also about to have a repeat of two nights ago, and I just finished showering.” She held her breath. Was it so wrong to want something tangible between them saying that they were together? Some connection? Even if it was only a physical joining, that would be something she could remember the next time he looked at her like her wolf side disgusted him.
With a sigh, he took a few steps back.
This need for him was crazy strong. If he could walk away again and again—well, he must not feel it like she did.
It was okay. It didn’t matter. It was really okay that he didn’t want to be attacked and groped and…why the hell didn’t he want that again? He was a guy. He was supposed to want that. She tried not to let her disappointment show. But seriously, if she were anyone else, would they be spread across the table like a couple of newlyweds? If she weren’t a wolf part of her life?
And she’d been disappointed her mate was a human… Now that she was getting over that, it sure hurt to see it reversed.
“I left my house without eating breakfast,” Dane said. “How do you feel about breakfast? I’m assuming you don’t have anything in your house you’re allergic to because I left my list at home.”
“It’s not that long of a list.” Well, it was, but it could be longer…in theory.
He laughed in response. “I don’t even know what a couple of those things are.”
“Like what?”
“Annato seeds. And I don’t know anyone else who’s allergic to marshmallows. I’d think you were pulling my leg if allergies were something you joked about.”
“Annato seeds are used in hot dogs to color them.”
“Anise—I’m not even sure if I’m pronouncing that right.”
He wasn’t. “It’s like anus, but with a short ‘a’ sound in front. Anise.”
He grinned.
“You probably made Uranus jokes in school, didn’t you?” She didn’t need to ask really. She could see it in his gray eyes—with how they crinkled at the edges.
“In school? You make it sound like I’ve stopped.”
Vanessa laughed. “Well, then, we have that in common, but at least you’ll remember what I’m allergic to.”
“You’ll have to make crude jokes to go with the rest of them.”
“You’re planning on memorizing the whole list?”
He’d been looking in her fridge, but he went still. “Is there some reason I shouldn’t? I mean, I kind of got the feeling this mate thing was somewhat long-term.”
Kind of permanent. For her. But maybe it wasn’t for him, and this was his way of saying it. His way of preparing her in case he broke it off with her.
“It is, but I’ve never had anyone try to memorize them, and I’m not seriously allergic to most of them—just intolerant. They make my throat sore and my eyes or tongue itch. Or my skin break out in a rash. Only a few lead to anaphylaxis.” She tried to brush it off—to walk away from that other conversation, but Dane was a very direct sort of person. She should’ve guessed that by now.
He turned to look at her and gestured between them. “What happens if this doesn’t work out? If we’re not…compatible?”
The scent-match had always been one you could count on. She’d never known anyone not compatible with their scent-match. It was like their souls matched. But that was from Lycan relationships she’d known of. With a human involved, she had no idea whether he’d feel that compatibility in his soul as deep as she did—that he’d know they belonged with each other.
If she had to guess…she’d guess not. And damn did that sting.
“I guess we’ll worry about that if it happens,” she said with a casual shrug that was all an act.
If he wanted out, she’d accept the death sentence on his behalf and be glad not to be scent-matched with someone who didn’t feel the same way. Could there be something worse than belonging to someone who didn’t want to belong with you? Maybe if they tried for long enough, the pack would come to accept him and would trust him to keep their secret and not kill him too after she’d died. Although he wasn’t off to a great start.
Clearing her throat, she said, “Just so you know, you’re viewed as being with me. So any attention paid to a single female, Lycan or not…won’t go over well.”
“Like any attention? Like they’d kill Sammy?”
Sammy. Great. And she’d gone and crossed her off her competition list. They’d acted like they weren’t more than coworkers. Maybe it was just as well she’d warned Dane.
Once again, she trotted out her casual tone—which sounded immeasurably fake to her. “Well, if they caught you having sex, they would.” In the pack’s eyes, she and Dane were married. More than married—marriage partners cheated on each other, got divorced. Scent-matched couples had no desire to stray, and she couldn’t stay away from Dane if she tried, and she didn’t plan on trying very hard. This could end any time now. He’d violate Jordan’s rules, or want out, and it’d be over for her. She might as well enjoy it while it lasted. Maybe the added threat of death would make the relationship one long adrenaline rush. Maybe that would make up for the lack of intimacy.
“That’s more than just ‘attention,’” he said.
She shrugged again, but muttered under her breath, “Hell, I hope there’s more than that because that’s more than I’m getting.”
…
She was in an interesting mood. Not that he could blame her. It’d been a weird day, and it wasn’t even noon. After he’d made them omelets, she’d gotten on the computer and told him that he could sleep on her bed if he was tired. She seemed to be avoiding him—which was odd in light of what he’d heard her mutter before breakfast and what they’d been talking about.
Maybe she’d started realizing she wasn’t feeling anything other than physical attraction for him—and without that, she didn’t want him. When she was out of this…cycle, she might want out of everything. If that was true, he wasn’t going to admit how invested he felt in all this.
When she’d talked about their relationship being first within the pack, it’d struck him as primal and not primitive. Even if it came down to procreation, if it included her, he couldn’t see it as negative.
“I’m going to go out on the porch to make a call,” he said.
She raised her eyebrows.
“I’m not sure if it’s something you should hear.” She had her secrets, and he imagined dispatch didn’t want him telling her everything about what was happening. Although if Travis was a Lycan then maybe she’d hear anyway.
She opened her mouth to say something, but then she sighed and went back to looking at what seemed to be topographic maps of British Columbia.
It wasn’t until he was outside that he remembered that the guy at dispatch might be Lycan. They were practically surrounded. He called Sammy.
“Oh, so now we can talk?” she asked irritably.
Yeah, well, after realizing where the body had been located, he’d hung up so he could drive ninety on the way to Vanessa’s, calling her over and over again. Speaking of which, her phones were still in the freezer. That couldn’t be good for them.
“Sorry, I’d been trying to get a hold of…a friend…and she wasn’t answering her phone, and she lives right near where you said they’d found the body. I’m there now. I was just worried. And not sleeping. I only slept for an hour last night because I was worried about her.”
Sammy laughed. “And that’s why you’ve been acting so weird the last few days?”
“Lack of sleep.”
She laughed again. “Riiiight. That’s what it is. So, why are you calling? I heard from dispatch you’re off the hook for scouring the nearby woods—which is what I’m doing.”
“You told me that her boyfriend—her ex-boyfriend—was named Jordan, right?”
“Yep. But he was officially cleared—has an alibi.”
Sure he did. This was the real reason he’d come outside. As Jordan had said—Dane might be her mate, but he was her Alpha. She probably would be pissed at him for checking into her Alpha.
“What can you tell me about the body? You told me that she’d been cut up and that it definitely wasn’t an animal attack.”
She snorted. “Not unless animals have learned to use scalpels. Neat, clean incisions everywhere.”
“What was the motive?”
“They’re not saying. They’re guessing it’s a drifter, not a local.”
Well, that was a little unlikely. “A drifter with surgical skills?”
“Yeah, sounds stupid, huh?”
“Yep.”
He glanced back through the front window. Vanessa was still scanning topographical maps. “Tell me more about Jordan Hill. Has he always lived here?”
“They’ve already cleared him,” she pointed out.
“Yes, but he had a close relationship with the deceased. Maybe if you tell me what they had in common or what he is like, we can figure out how Cheri came in contact with her killers.” It was a stretch for explaining his curiosity, but if the pack protected their own, maybe they were covering up a murder. They would have covered up his murder. Vanessa’s neat little explanation might convince her—but only because it didn’t happen. If Jordan had succeeded in killing him, would she have had her pat little answer still? He hoped not, but he had no idea if the only thing that had brought her between him and Jordan that day in his yard was her hormones.
“Well, he’s local—his family lives in the area, not here, but nearby. Cheri moved to Glacier Peak about five years ago from the East Coast somewhere. She was always a bit of a party girl. She wasn’
t ever happy here from what I’d seen, not ever content in the relationship. Saw her at this bar in Mount Vernon…”
“You saw her at a bar?” Sammy didn’t strike him as someone who went to bars—obviously he didn’t know her well enough.
“It’s weird to date guys from around here and have it go south. It’s more of a commute to go to Mount Vernon, but dating in a small town is like dating at work—especially if you’ve always known…everyone. Cheri must’ve thought it was a better idea too, because she was seeing other guys, even when she was with Jordan. I guess their relationship wasn’t what you’d call exclusive.”
“It wasn’t? I thought it would be.” Vanessa had told him he wasn’t supposed to be with other women, but she could be?
“What?” Sammy asked.
“He seems like the type who’d want an exclusive relationship.”
“You’ve met him?”
“Briefly. I just didn’t…catch his name at the time.” Also, he’d been wearing fur and trying to tear him apart, but that was a whole different thing. “So, he was dating other people too?”
“No. Not while he was with her.”
“He told you that?”
“No. I haven’t spoken to him. I’ve only met him a couple times.”
“But you seem to know all about him?”
Sammy snorted softly. “Small town, Dane. If you don’t hold on to a secret, you might as well shout it from the rooftops. And besides, everyone knows Jordan.”
“What does he do again?”
“He’s a contractor.”
He swore under his breath. Vanessa was a receptionist for a contractor. She worked for Jordan. And he couldn’t even confront her about that or any of this.
“What was that?” she asked.
“Nothing. You saw her at a bar? Which one?”
…
Lycan hearing is excellent, and that really sucked. She’d nearly told him he’d have to go farther than the front porch to keep his conversation private, but her curiosity had gotten the better of her. She wished it hadn’t. She should have turned on the stereo or taken another shower…another twenty showers.
He’d told Travis she was his girlfriend, but she’d dropped to “friend” when he’d spoken to Sammy. It might have been their conversation. It might have been because it was Sammy. It might have been nothing.
Past My Defenses (Taming the Pack series) (Entangled Ignite) Page 11
