by S. M. Lynn
“No, it wasn’t on my calendar and I have it under control. It’s of a personal nature. Enjoy your lunch.” Of course he wouldn’t want to share his personal life with me any longer. That chapter was over before it really began. He smiles but it doesn’t reach his eyes. Now that I take some time to study him, he looks as tired and worn as I feel. Not knowing what else to say and feeling like the staring is becoming awkward, I excuse myself to meet Gavin for lunch.
“So how’s it going?”
“Tense and chilly but other than that fine. He hasn’t made any move to talk to me about it.”
“You seem upset by that?”
“I don’t know… After the way we got together, I just didn’t think he would let it go so easily. But I guess that just proves he really wasn’t interested in a relationship with me at all; he just wanted to get into my pants. I can’t believe that I was stupid enough to believe him. I let my guard down and trusted him in a way I haven’t trusted a man since I ran. I love him.” It cuts me to say the words but I have to face the reality of the situation. I sit here pondering my own words. My heart belongs to Ian; I don’t have a clue how to get it back and it’s very clear that he doesn’t want it.
“Shit.” Gavin mumbles as he sets his menu down. “Celeste, I’m so sorry. I know it doesn’t fix anything but I’m here, if you need me. Damn, I knew you were in deep and should’ve seen it but I had no idea you were in love with him.” He holds my hand for a long time just allowing me time to come to grips with my feelings.
Trying to avoid the rest of a difficult conversation, Gavin and I order lunch and discuss his work schedule for the week. I don’t have any trips coming up for work in the next couple of weeks so we make plans to head down to D.C. for the weekend.
When I return from lunch, I run into Rebecca in the lobby, like literally run into her. Coming through the door, looking down at my phone, trying to mentally prepare for the afternoon ahead of me, I don’t see anything until I run smack into something or more precisely someone. I’m so lost in my thoughts of Ian that I don’t even see who’s in front of me. “Oh sorry.” I mumble before looking up. As soon as I do, I immediately want to retract my words.
She pastes a sticky sweet smile on her face as she says, “Sorry for running into me or sorry for fucking my fiancé?” My mouth drops open at her question and she knows she has my attention. “You think you can keep your hands to yourself?” she spits out sarcastically. “I’ll have this all dealt with soon enough. So don’t get too comfortable up in the penthouse.” The way she looks at me tells me she’ll really do anything to keep me from him. “I hear Patrick is back on the market since I dropped him. And I know he’s interested in you especially since you had Ian’s attention for a little time. And we both know how much he loves to play with Ian’s shiny toys.” BITCH! I knew I hated her before but now… Though with Ian’s behavior this weekend maybe the two of them are meant for each other.
With a sneer, she continues, “Yes, Patrick’s always has a fondness for taking things from Ian. And a little gold digging whore like you should be just as satisfied with a knock off. Just remember I’ve had them both and they both always come back to me.”
If we weren’t in the lobby of Jacobs Towers, I would rip into her, literally. As it is, all I can say is “Are you finished yet? You’re welcome to both of them. I want nothing more to do with Ian or you and the shit storm that surrounds the two of you.”
Rebecca smiles, “So long as you’re clear on what your position here is.” With that, she turns and walks over to the reception desk to talk with Danielle, who’s been watching our exchange with rapt attention. This fucking day just keeps getting better and better.
The afternoon is more of the same between Ian and I. We manage to work to together but there is no conversation about what happened over the weekend. Well, that’s fine by me. What could he say anyway? Part of me wants to discuss it all with him but there is really nothing to discuss. He made his choice and it wasn’t me.
During the next few weeks, things at the office are basically the same. Some of the tension is dissipating and he’s made no mention of wanting to get rid of me, yet. I try to work through the discomfort but being in the same room day after day with the person who ripped my heart in two is taking its toll on me physically and emotionally. The nightmares are much more frequent, happening almost every night; it’s like my mind knows that the only protection I might have had is gone.
I have no appetite and the only thing that helps distract me is running. So before work everyday, I run a 5-mile circuit and if the day is particularly tough, which most of them are because I see Ian, I run another circuit after work. If I were eating properly, this would have done some very nice things to my body but as it is, the only results are baggy clothes and a shrinking frame. Gavin is worried about my lack of eating and the amount of time I spend working out but I can’t stop and I’m not hungry so there is really nothing to be done about it.
He’s afraid to leave me alone at night because of the nightmares. So now I’m taking a toll on his social life. Just one more thing for me to feel guilty about. Inevitably if he does go out, I have a nightmare and then he feels guilty. We are a pretty pair. Gavin tries to get me out of the house but after the last time, I just can’t bring myself to do it.
One afternoon while Ian is in a meeting, I get a delivery of flowers. I smile and silently thank Gavin for trying to brighten my day. They are the most gorgeous purple hyacinths mixed with red roses. The bouquet is enormous and it fills the office with the most beautiful scent. There’s no card but buried deep in the stems I see an envelope. Recognizing the script on the outside, I open it carefully not sure if my heart can handle what is inside.
Celeste,
I hope you will enjoy the flowers and that you will not throw them away because they are from me. They represent things that I am either unable or incapable of saying. I wish we could talk all this through but I know there is probably nothing I could say. I only hope that you will read through this letter; though I shouldn’t ask anything of you. I desperately wish we could speak, honestly with each other instead of the way things have been for the last few weeks. Seeing you each day is almost becoming more than I can bear. But I will bear it because at least I can see you. After everything, I will understand if you don’t want to listen to me. I hope these words can help you understand the things I can’t say.
Tears spill from my eyes. I want to stop reading and throw all of this away. I can’t go back. I can’t be someone that he uses. I won’t go back there again. His words cut me; I thought I knew what pain was, the last few weeks but this is a whole new level of pain. Oh, if only I had time to go for a run. I should take some time and get out of the office for the afternoon. Even if I stop now, I’ll still have to face him after reading the first part of the letter. He did all this yet is engaged to her. How can he be so cruel? I place the letter and flowers on the desk as I pace the office trying to decide what to do. Curiosity wins out and I pick the letter back up and continue reading. With the words from Maroon 5’s Misery, he’s perfectly captured the hell I’ve been living in these last few weeks. Is it possible that he’s been living in the same hell as me? I continue with the letter, hope bubbles up inside me despite the fact that I’m working so hard to keep it pushed down where it belongs.
I know listening to me is the last thing you want to do but I want you to know that when you are ready I’ll be here, waiting. I’ll always be waiting. I need you.
Yours,
I.P.J.
Once I’m finally able to pick my heart up off the floor, I try to control my emotions. He would use my favorite band’s words against me. I can’t help but smile though at the fact that he remembered but that just makes me cry harder. Maybe we should talk about this. God, Gavin will think I’m such a fool to open myself up to him again after everything. Shit, I probably am a fool for even considering it. But why would he go to such lengths if he really didn’t want to discuss it? If he r
eally didn’t have some kind of feelings for me? Then again maybe this is just another ploy and he’s with Rebecca but needs something on the side.
I go into the office bathroom to try to compose myself when I hear the door open. He’s back from his meeting but I can’t let him see me like this. He’ll know I got the flowers because they’re sitting on my desk. He’ll know I got the letter because it is lying on the floor where I dropped it to run in here. But there is no way I can face him right now. I have no defenses; I’m weak. Seeing him will only cause me to break down further. My heart can’t handle any more.
Ian’s on the phone when I come out of the bathroom, his voice low. But I can still overhear the conversation. I try to tune him out because I’m no longer supposed to care but I can’t.
“I understand but I think this will be for the best. No, the move will be a good one for you.” The broken bits of his conversation fill the room. “I know but I can’t; look what has happened because of it.” He raises his voice as he continues. “No, I get that you don’t care about that because you’re clearly fucked in the head. I understand that you feel I’m being cruel but I can’t have you meddling in life and relationships anymore.” With that he hangs up the phone, his posture is that of a man who has been trampled. He looks like all the life has been pulled from him.
When he sees the letter crumpled on the floor, his countenance falls further. His knees weaken and for a moment I think he will collapse. He reaches down and collects the paper from the floor. I can tell by his face that he thinks I discarded it without reading it. I’ve been so busy wallowing in my own misery that I have completely missed seeing how Ian’s feeling. The snarky voice is back and berating me because I didn’t care about how he felt because he trampled my feelings and I could only hope that someday he would feel the same pain. The urge to comfort him is becoming too much to bear. “Ian, I…” But I don’t know what to say. I want to talk with him but I don’t know how to get to a point where I can listen to his explanations. I simply can’t see how he could explain any of this away or maybe that isn’t what he wants to do. I feel like I’m being pulled by both arms and if one side doesn’t give up soon I’ll be ripped in half. “Thank you for the flowers and the letter.” I say because that’s all I can manage.
His eyes are bitter. I can tell this hasn’t been easy for him but none of this was my doing. He walks over to me shaking his head; he keeps his voice low. “Are you dating that guy I saw you with at the club?” The first words we’ve spoken about our shattered relationship and this is what he wants to talk about. Is he really going there with me?
“So can I ask you if you’re still fucking that girl from the club? Or have you decided to finally limit your activity to just your fiancée?” I spit the words at him. I can see talking is going to get us nowhere.
A small smile creeps across his face. “That doesn’t really answer my question.”
“I really don’t want to fight with you. I just wanted you to know I received your gift and read your letter. I understand that you need to talk with me but it is obvious that you aren’t in the right frame of mind to have this conversation now.”
“Celeste, I need you to listen to me but you’ve made it plain and clear that you don’t want to do that. So are you going to answer my question about that guy? I’ll admit I was surprised to see you out with someone so soon after everything that happened with us.”
Biting back the hateful words that I want to scream at him, I say, “I wasn’t even dating him that night at the club; I was there with Gavin. He planned a day of fun to get my mind off things and that night at the club we ran into the instructor from our morning yoga class. Nothing more. I danced and had a couple drinks with him and since it’s apparent you had more than enough people to keep you company I wouldn’t have thought you begrudge me some.” The pain is evident on his face but the tears have started to flow again from my eyes and I’m powerless to stop them. “I danced and had a couple drinks with a man. I told him that I couldn’t have anything more than friendship with him because my heart is still very much not my own and until I get it back completely, I have no business dating. But you…” I can’t continue; the pictures from that night are still perfectly clear in my head and the pain is too much to bear. “I can’t even close my eyes to escape the pain in my chest because I only see you and her or you and Rebecca. Were there any others besides them while we were together?” I don’t know why I ask because if he answers, I’m sure it’ll only further devastate me.
“Dammit Celeste, you’re ripping my fucking heart out here. We obviously need to talk about everything. Please just give me one night but you have to trust what I’m telling you.”
“I don’t know if I can do that. I can listen to you talk until you’re blue in the face but you can’t undo the things I’ve seen with my own eyes and heard with my own ears. How do I know that your excuses aren’t just that? How can I ever trust you to be truthful with me when you’re keeping things from me?” The last words ring bitter in my soul. He and I are no different.
He continues to say that things aren’t as they appear, and who but I should know the very meaning of those words. I want to give him a chance to explain but at that same time, I want to protect that last piece of my heart that hasn’t turned to dust at his feet. His expression is so pained and the yearning in his eyes completely breaks my spirit. I step closer and place my arms around his neck. At least if this is it, I can take the memory of his smell and his hard body pressed against mine with me. He places a finger under my chin and tips my face up so I am looking in his eyes.
Pushing a loose strand of hair behind my ear, he says, “You’re not taking care of yourself. You’ve lost a lot of weight when you didn’t have any lose. I’m sorry for the pain I’ve caused. I wish I could take it all away, take it all back. I just want to make this right. I need you.” His eyes bore into mine. “I don’t know how to make you understand. I had something once and thought that my life was exactly how it should be. Then it was stolen from me and I’ve spent years trying to find myself in the mess.”
His words ring truer for me than he’ll ever know. “No, Ian, I completely understand that. What I don’t understand is how you could string me along while you were with her or maybe this is all some sort of twisted game to you. I knew before all this started that you liked women, many different women. I just thought… I don’t know. This is all too messed up. You might be able to explain about Rebecca but that won’t make it any better. And that night at the club, there’s no explaining that away. I saw you and you know I did because you saw me too.”
“Please, I was such a fool; I just need a chance to explain.” I don’t know if I can; but a part of me, the heart shaped hole in my chest, wants to try. I walk over and lift his phone.
“Danielle, please hold all of Mr. Jacobs’ calls and mine until after the 4:00 p.m. meeting. Also if you could please ring me and have Connor escort the team to the conference room when they arrive.” She isn’t my biggest fan but she does recognize that I’m in a position of authority and does as I ask. I turn back to Ian, whose eyes now hold a look of hope. Could I have been so wrong?
“I will agree to listen and talk with you tonight but first you need to listen to me. I won’t play games with my heart, Ian,” I hold my chest, “and I won’t be made a fool of or used as your personal play thing. You think you’re the only one who has had a mess made of their life; well, that’s where you’re very wrong. I’ve already been someone’s toy to use when and how they see fit and I will not do it again. So if that’s what you’re looking for walk away now.” I’ve said too much and opened doors that are better left closed but he needs to know that my tolerance will only go so far.
“Just give me a moment.” He says and walks over to his desk and picks up the phone. After a few moments I hear, “Tom, yeah. Could we postpone today’s meeting? I know, I know. Yeah, let me just check.” Turning to me, “What does my Wednesday afternoon look like?”
; Quickly I check his calendar, “You are open from 3:00 p.m. on but remember you need to block out some time this week to look over the new proposal for the new development in Portland.”
“Is there time clear on Thursday and Friday for that?”
“Yes,” I tell him. “You have a three hour block open Thursday afternoon and most of Friday morning is clear except for the conference call at 7:30 a.m.”
“Perfect. Yeah, Tom. No, that will work. Everything is cleared up. This will give you some extra time to look at that additional space. Yes, I really want it. No personal. Just let me know what they’re asking. No, I would pay triple what we did for the others but don’t tell them that. Yes, I want it that bad. Great. Thanks, Tom. Yes, see you Wednesday at 3:00 p.m.”
“What was that all about?” He turns back to me and takes my hand leading me to the door into the apartment. “I want to purchase some additional space in the warehouse district. Tom’s working on it for me.” I sit down on the sofa and turn toward him as he sits. “Now that that’s taken care of, back to the matter at hand. I have the rest of the night free so you and I can talk. I need you to be patient with me; I really don’t know where to begin or if you will even understand once I have explained but I need the chance to tell you everything.” I almost choke on his last words. Everything, would I ever be able to give him that? How can I ask him to give me this and willingly take it from him when I’m not willing to do the same for him?
“Why would you cancel your meeting? We can talk after surely.”
“Not cancelled, just postponed. We need time.” He swallows hard and I can tell this is difficult for him. “I don’t know how to say it other than to just come right out with it. Rebecca and I were engaged.”
The question bubbles to my lips and I don’t want to interrupt but I can’t hold it back. “Were? She made it sound…” I let the thought trail off, wondering how I could be so foolish as to believe anything that she would tell me. But that still leaves me with another question. “When?” My face reflects the real question. Did you just break it off with her to be with me?
