by S M Mala
There was only one problem.
He still wasn’t sure what to do.
Even last night, he lost his temper and realised it was mostly down to Bennylita managing to push his buttons. Nothing had changed and the person he turned into, momentarily, was someone he hadn’t been for a long time.
And he didn’t like him very much, neither did his family or friends.
The angry young man who felt manipulated to the point he was desperately unhappy while pretending he wasn’t.
‘Oh fuck,’ he mumbled and waited to hear the sliding back door to Esme’s house open.
But after ten minutes there was no sound.
Not wanting to wait any longer, he got up and walked barefoot out of his house, down the garden through the gate. He stood at the bottom of her garden, looking into the house.
Esme was sat at her dining table with her face in her hands, and her body was shaking.
He wanted to cry at the sight.
Walking towards the house, he stood still and waited for her to stop. Then she looked up and saw him, tears streaming down her face.
‘Can I come in?’ he asked, watching her blink hard. She just shook her head from side to side quickly, before looking away. ‘Please? I need to talk to you.’ Again she shook her head from side to side. ‘Esme, I love you. I keep telling you, but you’re not listening. I shouldn’t have just blurted out that stuff last night. My head was reeling, and I didn’t know what to think. I know you think I don’t care. I know you probably don’t believe a word I say, but I need to tell you some things to make you understand. I don’t want to lose you.’
She started crying again, and he reached out for the door, giving it a gentle tug to find it was unlocked. Pulling it slightly open, he stepped into the house, hearing her sobs.
‘I don’t want to talk,’ she said, wiping her face quickly. ‘There’s nothing to say.’
‘There’s a lot to say.’
‘I’ve been thinking. We can still be friends, and nothing will change. It’s best we stop what’s going on between us now before someone-.’
‘No!’ he shouted, making her jump before throwing himself down on his knees, closer to her. ‘Don’t say that! You might want to let me go, but I’m not going to let you. Do you hear?’
‘I can’t do this. Not again. One minute you want me, the next you say I’m too old. Then you shag me but not before letting me know there’s no way you can knock me up!’
‘Not again,’ he said, knowing she had been tossing and turning things in her head.
All negative ones about him, it seemed.
‘I run to the defence of your child and you practically accuse me of being a paedophile. Suddenly you disappear for a week, without even getting in contact. Then you waltz back in, saying you don’t mind being with an old bag like me, and have put your need for a big family on hold. But you didn’t Leon. You lied!’
‘I never.’
‘You don’t know what you want. You want it all, but you’re not prepared to take anyone else’s feelings into account because you are so raw and shredded. Well, this might be news to you; I’ve had a bloody awful few months. You’re not the only one who had to rethink what they wanted.’
Grabbing her face tightly in his hands, he moved close to her face.
‘I wanted to find a surrogate so I could have another kid. I planned that for a few years.’ He saw the alarm in her eyes. ‘But I never went further. I just looked at the websites but deep down, one time, I wanted Ben to come back into my life. I tried to find her, but I never did.’
‘You’ve found her now,’ Esme said so quietly, her voice was barely audible. ‘So it’s all good.’ She closed her eyes. ‘I don’t want to see you anymore. It’s not fair to me or you.’ The tears trickled over his fingers, and he placed his forehead against hers, feeling her clammy skin and closed his eyes. ‘It hurts, you see. It always hurts me so deeply when things go wrong, and I see us doing that. There is no future when you want something I can’t give you.’
‘Don’t say that.’
‘Deep down you want another child. The greatest offer this woman can give you is a genetic duplicate of Mali, and I won’t fit in.’
What she was saying was hurting him, so he kept his eyes tightly shut. He hadn’t thought anything through, but now he was going to lose Esme, and that felt far worse.
‘Leon, you need to grasp this opportunity if it’s going to make you happy.’
He wanted her to stop saying words to hurt him.
It was Esme that made him happy.
Placing his lips against her mouth, he kissed her and felt her push him away. He could feel her hands pressing against his chest, but he wasn’t going to stop kissing her until he forced his tongue into her mouth, and she stopped.
Opening his eyes, he looked at her and tried to hold onto his emotional turmoil.
‘If you feel like that kissing any other man, that’s fine. But I don’t feel like that when I kiss any other woman, so I don’t care what you say. I’m staying with you and we’ll work this out, one way or another, we will.’
Staring into her eyes, she didn’t look too convinced.
‘You’re not listening.’
Esme said, seeing he looked devastated. ‘Why aren’t you listening?’
Then he grabbed her so tightly, she couldn’t breathe, and Esme gave up even trying to speak.
‘I don’t want you to use me,’ she continued, pushing him away. ‘I deserve better.’
‘I don’t know what to do. Please help me sort this out.’
‘I can’t make that decision. Only you can.’ Grabbing his face, she pulled him closer. ‘Don’t you see, this changes everything?’
‘How?’
‘You’re willing to have a baby with another woman.’
‘It’s Mali’s mother.’
‘And a minute ago, you didn’t want your child to have anything to do with her. Now you’re considering having an addition to your family. How do you explain that?’
It was his vacant expression that made her realise he had no idea what he was doing. She gently pushed him away and stood up.
‘Go home. Do something, but don’t be here. We’re over, and I need to forget about all the bullshit you’ve told me. At my age, I should know better.’
Pushing her chair away, she went upstairs to her bedroom, shut the door, and flung herself on the bed, crying her heart out. Esme didn’t want him to hear her turmoil because that just further demonstrated her insecurity about men and love.
And mostly about herself.
She heard the door open and instantly stopped crying, then she felt him lie down, wrapping his arms around her body.
‘It’s not over,’ he said into her neck. ‘I’m not giving up on you and you shouldn’t give up on me.’
They had stayed in the same position for about five minutes before she had the nerve to turn around and face him.
What she saw was a sad looking man with red eyes, who seemed utterly confused.
‘I said the wrong thing again, I’m sorry,’ Leon said. ‘I’m a fucking idiot for letting her make me rethink everything. The only thing I’m sure about, right now, is you. I hated not being with you last night, knowing how upset you were. Don’t let me be left with nothing again, please.’
‘Leon.’
That’s all she could say, pushing her fingers into the back of his hair, and her love taking over.
‘It’s like she knows what to say to confuse me. My sisters came today, and they told me to step away and think carefully.’
‘What did they say about the proposition?’
‘They think it’s a trap,’ he said, biting his lip hard. ‘If she wangles herself into Mali’s life then I can’t ever tell her to go away, as it’ll hurt my baby.’
‘And how will Mali feel about having a little brother and sister?’
‘I don’t know. She needs someone in her life.’
‘She’s got you.’
‘I
’m not enough.’
‘You’re more than enough,’ Esme said, seeing he didn’t seem too sure.
Moving closer, she held him in her arms, feeling his body shake.
It was unexpected.
Then it dawned on her he was actually in shock and didn’t know what on earth was expected from him. Bennylita had put him on the spot, and for that, Esme was going to wring her bloody neck.
‘I’ll help you,’ Esme whispered. ‘I’m not saying I’ll support you on this; it’s a big thing to take on.’
‘Are we still over?’
Then he kissed her, pulling her close, and she was at a loss on what to do.
Leave him and let him suffer.
Stay with him and watch him suffer.
The protective side of her took over, and she realised she would rather stay with him, watch him suffer and try to sort it out.
Because she was desperately in love with the man, she had no choice.
Now he was stroking her body, and she knew he wanted to comfort her, as well as comfort himself.
Esme pulled away and looked at him, seeing his face had softened before saying,
‘You sleep with her, I’ll cut off your bollocks and you won’t be able to think even about being a daddy, let alone a man again. Do you hear me?’
He smiled before whispering. ‘I love you.’
‘This is ludicrous!’
Graham looked shocked when Leon told him what had happened. ‘Will you ever learn?’
‘Obviously not.’
Leon was sitting on a mound of earth as they worked away, early on Thursday morning.
‘Bennylita is dangerous, do you hear me?’ His friend had gone crimson and looked like steam was going to come out of his ears. ‘Out of the blue, she turns up, offering a baby and wanting you back.’
‘She’s not going to get the last.’
‘Are you seriously considering the baby bit? You know, once she has got her hooks into you, she won’t let go until she’s ready.’
Graham then threw his hoe down, walking away.
Leon had started to get used to the reaction.
‘I’m very much in love with Esme. When I told her, she was devastated.’
‘You told her!’ he shouted out, putting his hands in the air. ‘Are you really that thick Leon Sachs? Really?’
‘I’m sick of people telling me I’m thick!’
‘You have to be if you’re willing to throw away the first good thing that has come into your life, ever!’
‘I know! Don’t you think I know?’
He threw himself back onto the soil and lay there, staring into the overcast sky. Graham’s face came into his line of vision.
‘And what are you going to do?’ his best friend asked, holding the hoe over his shoulder.
‘I’ve talked it over with Esme and she thinks I should speak to Bennylita and find out more.’ He half smiled when thinking about what Esme said to him the previous Saturday. ‘She has told me, in no uncertain terms, my manhood will be removed if I do anything untoward.’ Leon laughed. ‘She’s great!’
‘She has to be considering you’re pissing her about.’
‘I’m not!’
‘You’ll lose her if you don’t treat her right. You’ve not made the best impression to date, have you?’
‘I love her.’
‘Jesus! This is where you’ve gone wrong with women in the past,’ Graham said before walking off.
Leon lay there and thought hard.
He avoided his family for most of the week and knew that Bennylita wanted to see him, due to the amount of emails she had been sending. From what he could gather, now that he was prepared to read them, she was living with her sister in Willesden.
All she constantly repeated was how much she loved him
But still something didn’t sit right with him. He couldn’t put his finger on it.
For the past week he had privately thought it through; how it would work and the effect on Mali, let alone his relationship with Esme.
She needed to be part of it.
It’s as if now he had the offer of something he wanted; he wasn’t so interested. All he could recall was Bennylita’s face that previous Friday and how sure she was that he would immediately bite.
He did.
His mother’s head off, because he was in shock and didn’t know what to do. A heavy veil of guilt covered him when he recalled his mum’s devastated expression as if everything was going out of control.
The mobile started to vibrate in his pocket.
‘Hello,’ he said, staring as the clouds moved slowly in the sky.
‘It’s been a week.’
Jolting up, he shook his head.
‘What do you want Ben? How did you get my number?’
‘Why haven’t you contacted me? I left my details in the emails. Leon, we have to talk about this.’
‘What game are you playing?’
‘I love you,’ she said gently. ‘We need to meet up, alone. No-one telling us what to do. I know your parents don’t like me, especially your mother, but I’m not bad.’
‘You sold your baby without a second thought about her or me!’ he said, getting angry. Graham immediately turned to look at Leon. ‘They’re not pets, you know, they are human beings. Your own flesh and blood. Have you sold your son to his father to get away? Is this a money making scheme?’
‘I know you’re confused, and yes, there are many questions you have to ask. Can we meet up? Just you and I?’
‘Tell her to get off the bloody phone!’ Graham hissed as Leon sat perfectly still.
‘I don’t think that’s a good idea, Bennylita.’
‘Leon, I love you so much. There isn’t a day I haven’t thought about you and our baby.’
The lurch in his gut said it all.
Mali was their baby, but before he knew it, Graham took the phone out of his hand.
‘Leave him alone!’ he shouted, making Leon break out of his momentary relapse. ‘You made his life a blood misery!’
‘Graham,’ he said gently, shaking his head, knowing his friend’s anger was there to protect him. ‘I know what to say.’ Graham handed back the phone. ‘Bennylita?’
‘I take it the little Rottweiler is still around?’ she said snidely.
‘I will see you, but not now. If you want to meet up, you need to give me a few weeks. Also, if you’re serious about us, you better give me a good reason to let you into my life again. I don’t want to fuck things up based on one of your whims.’
‘This isn’t a whim. I want to be with you Leon. I yearn for you; I do.’
He gulped hard when a fleeting memory of them making love came into his head. In the beginning, they were happy, really happy. That’s the memory he tried to keep with him when talking to Mali about her mummy.
He never mentioned the bad bits. And there were lots.
‘I’ll email you,’ he whispered. ‘Just leave me alone for now. I’ve got a lot of thinking to do.’
And soon enough, the fog of confusion crept over his mind.
Then he remembered why he fell out of love with her.
‘Seriously?’
Alicia asked. ‘You’re out of your bloody mind!’
‘I’m stuck here, and I need a friend,’ she said, trying not to drop chips of wallpaper from her hair onto her friend’s kitchen floor. ‘I love him but he’s at the age when he wants more kids. This woman has come out from nowhere and is offering him this.’
‘What else is she offering?’ Alicia said, topping Esme’s wine glass up.
‘She says she wants him back.’
‘Bloody hell! Why can’t you pick a normal man!’ exclaimed Alicia, still in her gym gear. ‘A proper boring one.’
‘I’m in love with him. I tried to break it off last Saturday and I couldn’t. He kept saying he loved me, and I didn’t want to lose him. No matter how illogical this sounds, if he wants another kid, then I’ll be there to help him.’
�
�You’re out of your bloody mind if you think his former girlfriend is willing to let him go. And how will this baby be conceived? By email?’
‘I know he won’t sleep with her.’
‘He’s a man,’ Alicia said, shaking her head. ‘What they say and what they do are two different things all together.’
Esme slumped into the kitchen chair.
‘And Steph’s shagging his sister? How on earth did that happen?’
‘I don’t know!’ said Esme, now raising her voice to the same level as her friend. ‘She was cleaning her teeth. Lucia is a dentist, and they’ve been dating. How out of the blue is it, she’s the one Alfie’s grandmother has been banging on about?’
‘And banging!’ Alicia started to laugh out loudly. ‘Oh my God, what sort of family have you walked into.’
‘I used to think we were the quirky ones.’ She knocked back her drink and let Alicia top it up again. ‘And the woman called him yesterday morning wanting to meet up, telling him how much in love she was with him.’
‘He told you this?’
‘I want him to be honest with me.’ Then Esme hesitated. ‘I don’t know if Leon knows what he wants.’
‘He says he wants you,’ Alicia replied, walking up to her. ‘And you desperately want him. You’re going to have to fight if you’re following your heart.’
‘I won’t win.’ Gulping hard, she looked into her glass. ‘I look at babies and smile when a few years back I’d just growl. Maybe that’s the sign that you’re moving into the realms of being a grandparent.’
‘Go home!’ Alicia said, taking the glass out of her hand. ‘You’re depressing me.’
After getting a pep talk from her friend, which mainly consisted of her having lots of hot sex with Leon to show him that old ones do it better; she slowly walked down the road.
Tonight Leon was going to spend Friday evening with his parents and Mali.
Alfie wouldn’t be back until Tuesday.
And she had cried out enough snot on Saturday morning to probably get a ban from Steph’s home for life.
‘Hello beautiful,’ she heard and looked up. Leon was standing by her gate. ‘Whose house have you been working on or is it a new look?’
