by Brooks, JL
It was strange having David be affectionate with me in front of people. No one thought anything of it; most of them smiled brightly at my flushed face each time he kissed me passionately, including my daddy. Whatever conversations about me that had conspired would remain secret, but I could tell enough that it made him happy. His face held the same expression as it did when we were children, sitting down to dinner and talking excitedly about our adventures in the desert. It was one of contentment. David had repaired the corrugated, metal roof that made up the overhang that covered the freshly paved patio, giving some relief from the hot, desert sun.
The house really was beautiful now. As people looked around at the work they had done, proudly showing my daddy their contributions, they too beamed brightly. It was the perfect analogy of life. Without love and care, we wither away, breaking down until these bodies become uninhabitable. Yet with love, companionship and diligence, we thrive. Love had returned to the Knox home in full force, overpowering the shadow of death that lingered at the door.
Sitting on a bench in the backyard, we watched as the children played in the sprinklers, squealing in delight. I observed a young girl running from a slightly older boy who was chasing her with a high-powered squirt gun.
In spite of the other boys with matching weapons running about, he chose to target her to the point she cried and hid near the cars. The boy looked around to see if he was caught before following after her. From my seat, I could see him place the toy on the ground and crawl up next to her. Placing his arms gently around her, he pulled her close and whispered to her words of comfort. Her small arm curled out from under him and around his waist, pulling him just as tight. Only moments passed before he picked up the gun and handed it to her. With outstretched arms, he closed his eyes and held his breath as he allowed her to soak him in retribution. I couldn’t stop from smiling as it was all taking place.
I looked over to my father, but he was caught up in his own reflections. David sat next to me and offered a coconut popsicle that was rapidly melting down the wooden stick and onto his fingers. Taking the delectable treat out of his hands, I licked the drips from the bottom suggestively.
“You can do that on me tonight; keep practicing and loosen that jaw up.” He nodded with surety, already imagining my lips on something else. Taking a bite out of his popsicle, I shook my head and widened my eyes.
“If we are comparing oral abilities, you just lost access to my vagina.”
I tried to keep a serious face, yet it was impossible when David turned up the charm. He knew I was vulnerable to his charisma, no matter how hard I tried to resist. It was a divinely crafted narcotic designed to keep me both intoxicated and drive me crazy. I leaned in to give him a kiss; his mouth tasted sharply of the lime-flavored ice against my creamy coconut. Opposing flavors managed to blend seamlessly, creating paradise on our tongues.
The festivities continued until the wee hours of morning. Daddy forfeited his medications to keep from sleeping and possibly missing something important, and everyone left with damp faces and tissues in hand. Taking several photos, they thanked me and David for doing this. We thanked them for coming and helping to make the day possible, then decided to leave everything to clean up the next day and get daddy settled in bed. Something nagged at both me and David the entire day, telling us that this was it.
Pulling another chair into the room, we each took a side and listened to him tell us about his favorite parts of the day. My heart was breaking with every moment that passed. I wanted to stop time, this perfect moment where everything was well in the world. I began to cry, yet my daddy squeezed my hand.
“Princess, I am not afraid to go anymore, it’s okay. I love you so much. I got to see the life I always wanted for you. I know it wasn’t easy growing up, and even as an adult, things were rough. But that’s life, and you took the beatings well. I am so proud of you both, and I’m sorry for all the time we didn’t get, but I wouldn’t trade this for anything. God has been good to me. I have no complaints.”
Turning to look at David, he held his hand with a firm grasp and grinned broadly. “I love you, son, I hope you know that. Don’t ever think for a moment you let me down, you hear? Just take care of Toni, that’s all I will ever ask of you.”
“Yes, sir, of course, you have my word.”
My daddy closed his eyes and smiled.
David looked up at me, devastated as he too felt the life force begin to leave my daddy’s body. Through clenched teeth, I couldn’t stop the pain in my chest or the scream that tore out from my throat.
“Daddy!”
Thankfully, the agonizing scream never reached him; he was on his way to meet his Maker.
If it were not for David, I would still be living in the dark, broken and without hope. Rolling over in bed, my fingertips grazed his cheeks and down along his sharp jaw. Even sleeping, he looked so tough and intimidating, but I knew better. As soon as his chocolate eyes opened and focused on my face, his features softened into a more peaceful expression.
“You should try and rest, babe. I know it’s hard. Take a sleeping pill, you need it.” I knew he was right, but for some unknown reason, I kept thinking I would eventually fall asleep, yet my brain would not cross into slumber. I did not ask permission, but I knew he wouldn’t resist. Sliding off my camisole and panties, I tugged David’s boxers down and straddled his waist. In the moonlit bedroom, his hands softly caressed my hips and back as I silently begged for oblivion. Rolling me beneath him, he gently parted my knees and sank into my hips. Although it was temporary, he was able to carry me to a place of forgetfulness and remind me that the pain wouldn’t last forever.
His soft, full lips seared every inch of skin they touched, leaving traces of passion in their wake. I would always feel protected and safe in his arms. He would take on the devil himself before he allowed me to get hurt. For the second time since we were intimate again, I was able to fully surrender. The tight pull in my center released and flowed out towards my fingers and toes. My nerves pulsed with every heartbeat as the dopamine explosion ricocheted through my brain. For thirty seconds, I was stunned with an overwhelming dose of pure bliss.
Opening my eyes again, David was looking down at me smiling, knowing that he could bring me to climax.
“You are so beautiful when you come, you know that?”
His lips descended upon mine once more before he picked up speed and reached his own zenith. Collapsing over me, I relished the weight of his body on mine, knowing I continued to give him so much pleasure. Spent, I was finally able to sleep in his embrace.
Upon waking the next day, we had the task of picking up my daddy’s ashes from the funeral home and holding the service he desired. He asked for half of his ashes to be placed in an urn at the bar with a view of the stage. The other half was to be taken on the road and scattered to the wind. Over two hundred bikes were gathered in the lot of the Spur, waiting to ride. Removing one of the urns from the saddlebags, I walked slowly through the parting crowds and into the bar alone. Looking around, I found an inconspicuous ledge where he could look on from a safe place.
The sea of colors reminded me that my daddy was more loved than I would ever know. Arms reached out to touch my shoulder as I walked back towards David. Removing the other small tin before hopping on the bike, I looked around and smiled brightly, raising my arm and flagging northeast. Alex and Jodie were on a bike, leading the pack, and David and I would follow up in the rear. The lot was deafening as the machines roared to life.
After passing through the strip, we headed towards Lake Mead. I tapped David on the shoulder to let him know I was about to let go. Using his horn, he signaled that it was time. I popped the top of the can, shoving the lid into my pocket. Saying a little prayer, I slowly began to shake the ashes on the road behind us. Everyone yelled above the loud motors in celebration of Stephen Knox, forever a part of the thing he loved so much.
I didn’t cry, surprisingly. I could only hope my life was lived as well a
s his. Not only was I given the gift of seeing who my daddy really was, I was given the chance to become the person I should be.
The closer we came to I-70, the bikes began to split off in various directions. David and I decided since I had to return to Indiana to finalize the divorce, we would take advantage of the opportunity to ride. There was a large group we traveled with for nearly the entire journey, giving us both the opportunity to know my daddy in a new way. Hearing stories over beers in roadside bars and making new friends, I understood a little more each mile why my daddy loved this life and welcomed the distractions from the impending days to come.
I had told David everything that happened with Andrew and Erin and showed him the video. He shook his head in disbelief. What he found more surprising was I was able to remain so calm, yet told me I was a badass and he wished he had been there to see it go down.
In the two weeks since I had left last, nearly everything was complete. We accepted an offer on the house and arranged for an expedited closing so I could sign off on it at the same time. After the divorce hearing, we would be no longer bound by obligations.
I half-expected Erin to be present, yet Andrew was alone in the conference room. Walking in wearing jeans and a new leather jacket, I looked vastly different than the sweater set wearing housewife whose name graced the papers. I watched Andrews’s nose crinkle in disgust as we approached. He stared viciously at David, yet David paid no attention, further provoking his irritation. Giving David a deep kiss, I asked him to wait for me. I needed to do this alone. He kissed my forehead and smirked at Andrew before walking out of the building.
“I see you wasted no time running into David’s arms now, did you?”
Andrew’s displeasure with David was by no means concealed. He was livid about the fact that I returned to Sloan and was never coming back. His contentions with the divorce were a portion of the house sales to get a new place and offset the cost of starting over. Taking into consideration my new inheritance, I obliged without question. Thankfully, since I filed before my daddy died, he was not entitled to any of it, nor would he know about it.
For the first time I saw us as we really were. I felt sorry that he married a phony. I had lied to others and myself for so long about who I really was, I began to believe the lie. It was only when I was given the opportunity to be myself that the truth broke through ferociously. There was no going back.
After signing the papers, Andrew stood up and held the handle on the door before looking at me. The love for me he once felt had left long ago. He was a coward for not being honest with me. Nothing was gained by stringing me along except pain and lost time, both which could have been avoided. No longer would I be sad for what could have been, knowing that there was so much more to come. I texted David to return to come pick me up, but he didn’t come back. Walking outside to see if I had a bad signal, I caught David mid-swing as his fist was flying into Andrew’s face. A small crowd was already standing on the sidelines.
As I ran towards the two men, I could see that David had a thin line of blood coming from his lips, yet Andrew’s face was quickly swelling with bruises. The moment David saw me, he dropped Andrew, who then slumped to the ground and crawled away from him.
“What the hell is going on?” I was frightened and furious. I didn’t bring him here to beat the shit out of Andrew, but I should have known that given the chance, he would. David was itching for this moment.
“Baby, he came after me and threw the first punch. I was sitting on the bench, drinking a cup of coffee, and the fucker wailed on me. There are a ton of witnesses.”
I closed my eyes as I heard the sirens approach. When the cruisers pulled up, they assessed the situation and placed both David and Andrew in cuffs. Witnesses gave an account of what happened, and I was instructed to wait. Once it was recorded that Andrew did indeed start the fight, David was un-cuffed and asked if he wanted to press charges. He rubbed his hands together and looked at Andrew, who was still sitting in a cruiser with an expression of resentment.
“No, no charges, officer. I don’t want to have to come back here because of that asshole. He won’t be fucking with me ever again.”
I exhaled deeply as David kept the ties to Indiana severed. Perhaps Andrew deserved it, but there were worse things in life than jail, and he was experiencing all of them.
The officer handed David a card and recommended going to a doctor to get checked out. David scoffed, thinking about all the fights he got into playing hockey, and this came nowhere close. We got onto the bike and headed away from the scene before Andrew was released, and then we set out to Fr. Laurie’s house as I promised. Pulling up to the rectory, I noticed that there was a sign hanging on his door. Walking up to read what it said, my hand came to my mouth in disbelief. Fr. Laurie passed away the same day my daddy did in Sloan. David would never have the chance to meet my sweetest friend.
“Annie, is that you?”
Margo came walking out of the parish office and towards the porch. Looking down at my clothes, I realized it was easy to be unsure. She looked at David and then back to me before tears filled her eyes.
“Annie. I wanted to tell you, but it’s been so crazy around here. I am glad I caught you, though. I have something for you. He would have wanted you to have it.”
Before I could stop her, she had turned and hurried into the office. I wiped the rogue tears away as quickly as they fell. I was thankful that I had been able to see him once again as well. It didn’t make it easier to accept that he was gone, but it gave me peace. Margo approached me with a small, paper-wrapped square. Gently unfolding the creased edges, I held the needlepoint picture affectionately. On a faded cream fabric, the red, stitched lettering clearly read the saying I had recently become so fond of.
Saints are the sinners that keep on going.
I showed David and laughed. I hugged Margo and asked where he was buried. Thinking it was somewhere close, I was shocked to know that his body was flown back to New Hampshire and the parish he was baptized in. I vowed to visit him if ever that way, and treasured the small token of kindness they saved for me. I tucked the frame safely away, and we headed towards the west, chasing the sunset until it was dark.
Before the last slivers of light disappeared, we pulled off to a chain hotel on the side of the road. Walking in wearing jeans and leather, I experienced for the first time in a while judgment based on appearance. Although it was subdued, the staff’s behavior was uncouth.
I crawled into the large bathtub with David and vented as the warm water soothed my aching muscles. “They have no idea who the fuck you and I are, and they are being super shitty because we rolled in on a Harley and are wearing leather. I want to call corporate and bitch.”
His finger went up to my lips to silence my loud rants. “Baby, it’s our world. We are all guilty of judging others. Save your energy to make a difference where you can. Tomorrow, we’re going to get on the bike and go back to our life. They will remain in their ignorance until something changes their opinion, but not by force. It has to come from a place inside.”
I pouted for a moment before crawling onto his lap and resting my elbows on his chest. I truly loved this man and the fact he didn’t feed my ego.
“Yes, Yoda,” I said as sarcastically as possible without cracking up. His fingers grabbed my ribs and caused me to scream out in laughter.
“You are such a little shit. I am going to teach you a lesson.”
“Oh, does it involve spanking?” I waggled my eyebrows expectantly.
David shook his head and pulled me down against him. “What am I going to do with you, woman?”
Gently biting into his lower lip, I tugged back and spoke into his mouth. “Whatever you want.”
“Ms. Knox, there is a student here to see you. Can I send them in?” The intercom on my office phone was entirely too loud, yet I found when I turned it down, it muted the entire system, and I missed important calls. There was no in between, and I wasn’t allowed to ignore t
hem. I looked at the calendar impatiently, knowing it was my freedom anniversary and David would be finished soon, ready to go out and celebrate with my little sisters. It felt strange saying that after spending an entire lifetime not knowing they existed. However, between David’s insistence and the nagging feeling in my gut, I sent the first email and it turned into a whirlwind.
The first time we met, I was taken aback when Christian, the oldest, gave David a giant hug. Amanda followed and squeezed him just as hard. I stood off to the side, unsure how to react, but both girls tackled me and destroyed any hesitation from that point on. Looking into eyes as blue as mine, although they were strangers, was a wonderful feeling. Tonight I would be meeting my mother for the first time. It was easier talking to the girls, but speaking to Kaitlyn was brutal the first few times. Eventually I pushed through the hurt and discomfort, allowing myself to open up, but until now, I wasn’t ready to see her. A few weeks ago, something in me changed and implored reconciliation.
I hit the button and called them back. I had taken over as the guidance counselor for Sloan High School at the beginning of fall after taking a real summer break and traveling through Mexico and the Caribbean with David. We both needed to escape reality, and the warm palm beaches were the perfect distraction.
A young man entered my office with a sullen expression. I had seen him twice this month, and it was always for the same thing. He was a transfer student from Canada and was having a difficult time adjusting.
“Hi Brandon, what brings you back here again?”
I smiled as brightly as I possibly could, but I knew the answer. The other kids made fun of his accent and mannerisms. Although he spoke English, his nationality singled him out in a homogenous town like Sloan. I had offered suggestions, but nothing had worked previously. Breaking into cliques as a junior in high school is difficult for anyone, much less someone set apart as being different.
