I watch the muscles in his forearm as he rolls up his sleeve and as I do, the desire is slightly muted by his comment.
That’s another thing we don’t talk about. We don’t talk about what he does late at night. I was quiet whenever Tyler would leave to go do something early in the mornings or skip school because he had to do something for “work.”
But we aren’t children anymore, and what Daniel’s involved with isn’t a high school game.
“Is this stuff for … back home?” I’m careful with my words as he grabs his keys off the kitchen counter. The jangling is the only sound in the room.
Well, and the ever-present clicking of the clock.
“Back home? As in, the family business?”
My gaze is on the tile in the kitchen. Soft gray with dark gray grout. It’s nothing special, but I can’t bring myself to look at Daniel and meet his gaze that’s obviously on me, so I keep my eyes right where they are.
He works for his brother Carter. Dealing drugs and God knows what else.
He’ll leave one day. Soon. He keeps mentioning it. The one question I ask myself every time he leaves is simple. Do I stay? Or do I go with him?
“Yeah, that’s what I was asking.”
“You know better than that, Addison,” Daniel reprimands me and that’s what gets me to look at him.
“Better than to be careful about who and what I involve myself with?” My tone dares him to question that logic.
“You already made your choice, didn’t you?” The way he speaks to me simultaneously strikes a bit of fear in my heart and heats my blood with lust.
“There are lots of choices, Daniel.” I know in my mind he’s right. I’ve already decided I’d go with him. I don’t want to be alone again and I crave the feeling of family and acceptance I once had with the Cross brothers. But that was then, and this is now. I don’t know what it would be like to face them knowing I’m now with Daniel. It feels like a betrayal of the worst kind.
“Only one when it comes to me. Don’t forget that you’re the one who started this. You’re the one who came back to the bar. You’re the one who came to my house after you ended it. I don’t like being played with.”
“Funny, because you sure do like being the one doing the playing.”
My comment rewards me with a charming smirk on his lips.
“With you?” he questions as he stalks toward me and grips my chin between his fingers. “Always.”
My eyes close as he plants a kiss on my lips. Mine mold to his and my body melts. It’s over too soon and I find myself sitting up a little taller to prolong it just slightly.
Daniel keeps his grip on me and a crease forms on his forehead as he looks down at me with a question in his eyes.
“Are you thinking of leaving me?” he finally asks and I reach up to take his hand in mine.
“No,” I tell him, practically rolling my eyes and getting more comfortable in the corner of my sofa.
“Good,” he says although he still eyes me curiously.
* * *
“If I hadn’t come to your place, would you have let me leave you?” I don’t know why I feel so compelled to ask in this moment. Maybe I already know the truth and I just want to see if he’ll tell me or not.
His dark eyes seem to get darker, although his voice stays even as he answers me, “I would have tried.”
I chew the inside of my cheek and look away at his response.
“Why does that disappoint you?”
“Can’t you feel it?” I barely whisper the words. He makes me feel weak and foolish. But admitting there’s something undeniable that pulls you to someone like it does no one else isn’t weak at all. It takes every bit of strength in me.
Daniel’s eyes leave mine for a moment and I begin to doubt myself. I can barely swallow until he says, “I said I would try. I didn’t say I was capable.”
My eyes close and I wish I could will all of this overwhelming emotion away. But that’s what Daniel’s always done to me. Overwhelmed me.
“I’ll keep you safe. Always.”
My heart soars and plummets with his words. That’s how it feels and the relief on my lips falls with it.
“I just know … your job … is dangerous.” I hate how my throat feels tight as I speak. “I knew what I was getting into. It’s different when you wait at home alone wondering …”
“But I’m a dangerous man, Addison. I know what I’m doing.”
I search his dark eyes for reassurance and it’s there, but still I can’t help adding, “Don’t die. Everyone I love dies.”
“What if it’s more like anyone who loves you dies?” he questions and it doesn’t help me feel any better at all. He shrugs and points out, “Then I’m dying anyway, so you might as well love me back.”
Although I realize the words were spoken in a lighthearted way, the acknowledgement is there. That there’s something more between us and we both feel it. We both recognize it for what it is. I don’t dare to speak it again. I’m too caught up in those flutters in my chest. The ones that hurt in the best of ways. My eyes start to gloss over and I shove all the emotion away.
“Just be safe, my dangerous sex god.” My voice is playful and nonchalant as I reach for the remote, ending the conversation. It’s too much, too soon. But it feels like everything that’s always been missing. It feels right. It feels like home. And I’m so afraid to lose it.
Daniel chuckles and leans down to cup my cheek and plant a soft kiss in my hair. “I’ll be back as soon as I can,” he whispers and it tickles me enough to make me pull away and snatch a kiss from his lips myself.
It’s only been weeks, but this is everything I’ve ever wished for.
As the door clicks shut, leaving me alone in my apartment, I remember a certain saying.
Be careful what you wish for.
Chapter 20
Daniel
* * *
Five years ago
* * *
I knew something was off when I walked in at 4 a.m. and the dining room light was on. The yellow glow carries into the kitchen and I follow it to see Tyler at the end of the large table, head in his hand staring at the screen to his laptop.
I expect to hear something, maybe see him watching a video. But the screen has gone black and that’s when I see his expression. Defeated and exhausted.
“You still up?” I ask him, which is a stupid question. It gets his attention though, although his exhaustion makes him blink several times before he can answer me. It’s then that I see his eyes are puffy, not with sleep, but with something else.
“Yeah, couldn’t sleep,” he answers and then visibly swallows as he closes the laptop.
My jacket rustles as I slip it off and hang it over the chair in front of me. I still feel like an asshole for snapping at him the other day. Of everyone living under this roof, Tyler’s the last person who needs my shit. “Everything alright?”
He sits back and lets out a heavy breath, but instead of answering verbally, he only shakes his head no.
“You want to talk about it?” I ask as I grip the back of the chair and prepare myself for the answer I know is coming. Addison isn’t here and Tyler can’t sleep. She left him.
“You were right,” Tyler says and then turns away from me.
“I was an asshole who was trying to be an asshole. I’m never right. You know that?”
He lets out a huff of a laugh and wipes under his eyes.
“What happened?” I ask him.
“She said it’s too much for her. That she needs space.”
I nod my head in understanding. “Nothing wrong with a little space,” I say and try to make it sound like it’s not a big deal.
“I know her, Daniel. I know it’s her way of putting distance between us so I’ll be the one to leave.”
The legs of the chair scratch along the floor as I pull it out and take a seat. A heavy breath leaves me as I put my elbows on the table and lean closer to him. “Girls are hormonal,�
� I say to try to make him crack a smile. He’s the one who’s good at this, not me.
“I think she’s done with me, but I don’t know why.”
“She loves you,” I tell Tyler although it makes a spike of pain go through my heart. She does love him. I know it by the way she kisses him. It’s obvious she does.
“I don’t know,” he says in a whisper, shaking his head.
“Just give her a day or two, cut class if you have to. Give her time to miss you.” I hate that I’m giving him this advice. But I hate to see him like this more.
“What did Mom used to say, huh? If you give someone love, they’ll love you back. Right?”
He nods his head, although he still doesn’t speak. It’s been a while since I brought up Mom. And it still doesn’t feel right, but Tyler was her baby boy. He may have been younger when she got sick, but it hit him hard. He didn’t understand.
“I promise you,” I tell him as I pat his back. “Come with me for the next two days. I have to make a trip to Philly for a shipment. Come up with me and let her miss you.”
He’s reluctant for a moment but then he nods. “I could use the distraction, I guess.”
“Perfect.” I stand up quickly and leave him be as fast as I can. “Get some sleep,” I say over my shoulder and I don’t stop walking or respond when he tells me thanks.
As I climb the stairs to go pass out, loneliness settles in my chest.
The idea of Addison never coming back hits me hard. The possibility of never seeing her again.
It’s very obvious to me in this moment that I don’t like it.
More than I don’t like how she’s younger than me.
More than I don’t like how she looks at me the way I look at her when I know she’s not looking.
More than I don’t like that she’s Tyler’s.
* * *
Every day there’s a memory I’ve forgotten. Haunting me. Showing me how I could have stopped the inevitable. Or at least changed our fates.
Late at night, holding Addison as she sleeps, I wonder if Tyler would still be alive if I had done something different. Or if I’d be the one buried in the ground now.
Fall has arrived and each step I take down Rodney Street is accompanied with the crunch of dead and withered leaves. My steps are heavy tonight because I know Marcus is going to be here.
He’s finally come with whatever it is Carter’s been waiting for. I know Marcus’ patterns. He spends weeks scouting out a place and making sure you go to one location he has constant eyes on. And when he’s found where he’s comfortable, he delivers.
He’s found that place at the park on the corner of Rodney and Seventh.
After tonight I have no reason to stay here. Addison will either come with me, or leave me. It’s too good right now to think she’ll refuse me, but she’s run before and it’s entirely possible she’ll do it again.
I glance down the side street to see what block I’m on and my heart freezes.
The man in the black leather jacket, the one who stopped to look at Addison. That first day I watched her in the coffee shop and saw him staring at her. It’s him. I swear I saw him melt into the shadows down the street.
“Hey!” I call out, more to see if he’ll move than to actually get a reaction. But there’s only silence. I barely glance to my right to check for cars as I run across the street. The cool air does nothing to calm my heated skin or the anxiety rushing through my blood.
I’m ready for a fight when I get there, but the shadowy corner is only a dead end. And no one’s there.
A chill flows over my skin and I look all around me. It’s no one. There’s no one here.
It’s hard to swallow as I walk back across the street. It’s just paranoia, I tell myself. It’s nothing. But still, all of my thoughts lead back to Addison. To her being alone.
She’s messing with my head.
I think about every way she’s consumed me with each step I take.
I can’t see anything other than her when she’s around me.
Every breath she takes depletes the air from my lungs.
I hated her for it back then, back when she was with Tyler. When she smiled at him instead of me. She tempted me, and I couldn’t do a damn thing about it.
But time changes everything.
Every step she takes closer to me makes my fingers itch to grab on to her and never let go.
Fate simply waits for men like me. So it can fuck us over until we fall to our knees and admit there isn’t a damn good thing about us.
Addison has no idea what she does to me.
She’ll be the death of all that’s good in me. I would lose focus of everything just to have a miniscule piece of her attention. I’d steal for her. I’d kill for her. I already have.
Goosebumps still cover my body as I get to the empty park. It’s in the back of a small church that’s surrounded by woods. I guess for Sunday school.
My gaze scans the perimeter of the park, but there’s no one there. It’s empty.
Marcus is never late. I check my watch and make sure I’m on time.
A minute passes as I walk toward the church and then back. It’s not a good look to loiter and I don’t need anyone getting suspicious.
Another minute and my anger and anxiety start to get the best of me.
A flash of white catches my eye as the breeze goes by; the squeaks of the swing’s rusty chains make me turn toward them.
A note. I walk toward it without hesitation. Marcus and his fucking games.
There’s a message on the swing.
Another address.
Tomorrow night. Check the mailbox. That’s all you’ll need.
Gritting my teeth, I hold back the urge to scream out toward the forest in anger. I know that fucker’s in there watching. Making sure I got the memo.
The paper crumples in my hand as I stare out into the forest and wonder why he didn’t meet in person.
Marcus always meets me in person. I’ve heard tales of him not showing and only leaving notes. Everything is fucked after. Marcus doesn’t like to meet with you if he knows you’re about to be fucked over.
A chill runs down my spine.
The only guess I have is that it has something to do with Addison. She’s the only thing that’s changed.
He knows everything. He knows about what happened the night Tyler died. He knows about my obsession. And he knows she’s back.
My eyes flicker to the woods, searching him out but coming up with nothing. Every small sound of a branch breaking or the wind rustling the leaves reminds me of that night, the images flashing in front of me.
The night that Tyler died.
I’d just finished a meet with Marcus. It was an easy transaction for a hit we needed. He seems to like those better than being a messenger. He responds faster.
He knows that on my way home, I saw Addison in the diner.
I saw him across the street watching me after I’d sent the message to Tyler. She was in pain and I knew Tyler could take it away.
Marcus followed me as I followed Addison. I couldn’t leave her, knowing Marcus saw me watching her. I didn’t trust him. So I followed her from place to place. The diner, the bookstore and finally the corner store. And Marcus was there, every step of the way. I told myself it was only to satisfy his sick curiosity.
And worse than anything, Marcus was there; he was the closest when Tyler died right in front of us.
Marcus knows everything and he’s not coming to see me in person. That leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Deep breaths come and go.
This doesn’t have anything to do with her. It’s about Carter. It has to be about Carter and not about the shit Marcus knows about Addison.
Part of me questions if I should confess to her and tell her the truth before someone else does. She blamed herself for so long and I know she did. But I’m the one who sent Tyler after her.
He knew where she was because of me.
He went to see her be
cause I told him he should.
It’s all my fault. It was never hers.
Chapter 21
Addison
* * *
It’s been strange.
My fingers hover over the keys and I delete my last words. I don’t know how to tell Rae what’s going on. I shift on my sofa, feeling uneasy. This whole day has felt different. Daniel hasn’t touched me since yesterday morning. And things have been off since he got back from his meeting. It’s also when the word “love” was said. Maybe he didn’t realize he’d said it until after he left.
I’ve gotten short kisses, but nothing else. It feels different.
It’s a way that makes me feel uneasy.
It’s a way that makes me feel like the end is here and I was right all along.
All the flutters stop and the butterflies fall into a deep pit in my stomach.
That’s the way he’s making me feel.
The hall light flicks on and Daniel’s large frame takes up the opening of the narrow passage. He doesn’t look at me as he strides to the kitchen, walking right behind the sofa. He’s not talking to me, but he doesn’t want to leave either.
I can’t take this. I prepare myself to type up the email telling Rae what I’d like to say to Daniel. Before I can even type a word I get fed up and slam it shut, turning sideways to face him. All of my frustration and nervous feelings snowball together into nothing but anger.
This time he’s looking right at me.
“Something’s wrong.” That’s all I can say and instead of answering me, Daniel reaches for a mug from the cabinet.
“Could you give me something?” I ask him with all this pent-up frustration and shove the laptop onto the coffee table. “You’ve barely looked at me, spoken to me, or touched me. Something happened or something’s wrong, and if it’s us I need to know.”
Silence. I get silence in return. “If it’s just work, you can tell me.” My voice cracks and I hate that I’m so emotional while he gives me nothing.
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