by Adele Parks
‘It’s like something Q gives James Bond just before he goes on assignment. Apparently, besides being a phone, I can use it to do my email, as a sat nav thingy, as an organizer.’
‘If you want to be organized,’ I chip in.
‘I think the implication is that I ought to be. It has access to the internet, you can play games on it, or use it as a multi-media player or even a camera.’
‘Can it tap dance?’
‘Yes, and floss teeth,’ replies Fern with a grin. ‘Thoughtfully, Saadi has already bookmarked a number of websites that she thinks might be useful to me.’
‘Like?’
‘Like places I might want to visit in LA. There are so
‘I dunno, Fern. I’ve been everywhere.’
‘Well, I’ve been nowhere.’
‘OK, so you choose.’
‘Well, the Getty Center, Grauman’s Chinese Theatre and Santa Monica pier are on my list.’
‘Actually, I haven’t been to any of those places.’
‘But you’ve lived here for nine months. What have you been doing?’
‘Working and drinking. Not necessarily in that order.’
‘Great, we can do the tourist things together.’
‘Cool.’ We grin at each other. Isn’t it cool, this couple stuff?
‘Saadi has also bookmarked websites about weddings. You know, caterers, reception venues, dress designers, etc. Plus she’s made a list of the names and numbers of other people who I might find useful: a hairstylist, a clothes stylist and a personal trainer. Do you think she’s trying to tell me something?’ Fern looks vaguely concerned. I grin at her, reassuringly. Personally, I like her as she is, but I know that Saadi and her crew are already turning wheels and cogs in order to transform her into something, I don’t know, glossier, I suppose. Mark and Saadi said to me that glossy is what’s required and expected of my wife. I don’t think this is something she needs to hear me say.
‘She’s just trying to be helpful. Justifying her obscene salary,’ I say instead.
‘She’s arranged interviews for us to meet her favourite three wedding planners for tomorrow morning – a
‘Money talks.’
‘I suppose, and as you say, she thinks of everything.’ Fern looks anxious, vexed almost. ‘She told me she’s going to pick up a dildo for me from some sex shop on Sunset Boulevard.’
‘Hustler.’
‘Yeah, that’s it. She says you have an account there.’
‘Guilty as charged. It’s a great store, we should go shopping together.’
‘OK.’ Fern doesn’t look too convinced but she’ll look great in one of their baby dolls or maybe titty tassels. Is she vexed because I’ve visited sex shops? I’m a rock star, it’s like a teenage girl visiting the makeup counter at Boots: essential shopping. I didn’t have Fern down as a prude.
‘Saadi said I’m going to need a dildo in light of our chastity vow. I hadn’t realized you’d discussed our plan with her.’
Ah. So that’s the cause of the vexation. I get it. ‘I tell her everything,’ I say smoothly, wide-eyed, innocent. It’s true, I do tell Saadi everything; except all that which I keep secret. ‘You don’t mind, do you? Wasn’t I supposed to?’ I ask, showing concern. ‘She thought it was really romantic,’ I add with a smile.
I sense Fern does mind, because if there’s one thing I know about women, it’s that they are really funny about what you tell other women. I need to rush the conversation on to another subject, because it’s too nice for a row or even a low-grade sulk and while I haven’t seen Fern
I look at her hipbone and feel a twitch in my swim shorts. This no sex thing is a mind-blowing experiment. It was Mark’s idea. Fern was his idea too, as a point of fact. I’ve had lots of sex and I mean lots – an amount that no normal person can even perceive (not even desperate little slappers who live in ugly small towns, who – in order to ease the tedium of their existence – drop their knickers as often as they drop cigarette stubs and usually at the same time). More sex than that. I mean lots, and lots, and lots, and lots of tits and ass and legs and holes, well, the thing about that is it gets boring, doesn’t it? Hand jobs in Jacuzzis, blow jobs in bars, gang bangs in limousines, sex in yachts, sex with geisha girls, sex with starlets, sex with models, sex with aristocrats; it’s all the same in the end.
An endless stream of nightclubs, alcohol, drugs and meaningless sex takes its toll. It’s inevitable. I got fed up with waking up with an intolerable feeling of apprehension and fretfulness. Being on drugs and being intensely and inexplicably anxious come hand in hand after a while. I’m prone to anxiety anyway, and a feeling of uneasiness constantly shrouded me when I was using; especially when I woke up and the foul and sickening delinquency of the night before came crawling back into my mind. It didn’t matter how much money I had in the bank or how many records I sold, I was riddled with the worry that I was just as desperate and pointless as everybody else. Sometimes I’d think I was insane. Other times things were easier – I knew I was.
There comes a point when you realize that no life, not even my life, is wide enough to fit in sex, drugs, rock and roll and responsibility. It doesn’t add up. I shared this observation with Mark, just over three months ago, last time I decided to get clean. Mark was relieved; my record company were starting to get a bit nervy about the number of times I’d missed studio sessions and insulted journos because of the said endless stream of nightclubs, alcohol, drugs and meaningless sex.
I told Mark, ‘Being surrounded by too much T&A is the same as being surrounded by too much luxury. You stop noticing it. It has a numbing effect.’
It’s true you can be totally done-in by the absolute monotony of faultless and never-ending excellence. Who’d have thought? Maybe Mark wanted to make a sarkie comment about his heart bleeding for me but no one close to me is ever sarcastic with me nowadays; they know it hurts me and I’m mean when I’m hurt. Instead, Mark said, ‘So you’ve done all there is to do with abundance, how about practising a bit of partiality now.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Well, you know, once you’ve been to every fancy restaurant there is in town and you’ve eaten your fill of seared carpaccio, pan-seared venison and sweet duck cooked with plums and star anise, it’s nice to stay in and have simple steak and salad. I’m not suggesting a burger. I mean something classy and straightforward.’
‘Like?’
‘Like marriage.’
‘Marriage!?’
‘Yeah, you could do it all properly, meet a girl, like her,
He might have been joking, but I thought about it and he was right. It would be true to say that I’ve never shagged a bride before; least not one married to me. I’m going to enjoy doing things properly with Fern. She’s different. A hotty (although not as hot as many I’ve had). She’s quite normal (but not so normal as to bore me, as many have). I don’t quite understand it yet but she has something really special going on. Or rather, we have something really special going on between us.
Mark has all the best ideas.
42. Fern
‘If you want to go anywhere let me know and I’ll get Saadi to introduce you to our stateside driver, Barry. He’ll take good care of you. He’s a pro. You could go shopping; Saadi’s arranged for you to have access to all of my accounts and I pretty much have an account anywhere you might imagine,’ says Scott.
I know he’s trying to change the subject. I allow him. Let’s face it, offering me a chauffeur-driven trip to designer stores with unlimited credit is quite an impressive diversionary tactic. Normally, I’d have to settle for Adam suggesting we change channels.
‘Yeah, Saadi already gave me a list,’ I say with a big smile. ‘How did she organize all of this in such a short time? It’s unbelievable.’
‘I know. Hats off to her – she is an excellent PA.’
Scott drops his sunhat over his eyes and we both fall silent. He reaches for my hand and we hold on to one another across the loungers. Hi
s touch sends shock waves ricocheting through my body. I fight the instinct to leap on him. Damn this no sex plan! I try to dampen my lust by watching the old Mexican gardener as he endlessly clears the leaves from the pool. No sooner does he scoop a net of bamboo leaves than the same amount fall back into the water. It looks a pretty thankless task but not too arduous; the repetitive action calms me. Bebop jazz
‘What’s up? Were you stung?’ I look around for the offending wasp.
‘No. The thing is I find it hard to relax. Sort of unnatural. Doing nothing is something I’m saving for when I’m dead.’ Scott looks around for something to amuse. ‘What are you thinking, Fern?’
‘About the agony of not having sex with my sex god fiancé,’ I reply frankly. Scott laughs but doesn’t jump me, which is what I was hoping he’d do. He’s very serious about this chastity thing. Couldn’t we at least fool around? I suppose neither of us would be able to stop if we started; still, would that be so awful? My throat becomes parched and scratchy and my hands become damp as I indulge the idea of us flinging ourselves in among the bamboo in order to pull off each other’s clothes. We’d speedily slip out of our swimwear and slowly, oh so slowly, his tongue would venture over my body. His tongue, lips, hands would uncover zones of delight; I’d burble and flood. He’d caress my shoulders, kiss the back of my neck, nibble at my jawline, lick between my breasts. But this time we’d finally get past the delicate discovery. He’d thrust suddenly, deeply, certainly. He’d fill me, pushing, burning, grabbing,
I realize I’m making odd mewing sounds when the pool guy asks if I’ve swallowed a fly? Am I choking? Do I need a drink? I do. I need him to throw it over me. I’d better think about something else.
‘I have to keep giving myself a mental pinch,’ I tell Scott. ‘I need to keep reminding myself this is real, these are the sights and sounds of my home now. It’s a leap. I never, even in my wildest dreams, imagined that my home would have a view like this.’ I sweep my arm out towards the blue skies and tall trees. ‘Or that I’d listen to the sounds of staff preparing lunch. Kids yelling, a dog barking, TV blaring was as much as I dared hope for. It’s surreal.’
‘Bit much to take in, hey?’
‘Yeah.’
‘What do your friends make of everything that’s happened to you?’
‘Not sure. Haven’t talked to any of them.’ I try to keep my smile attached to my face. One moment’s lack of concentration and I fear my face will crumple and I’ll look like a discarded crisp bag. Not a great look and very ungrateful. ‘I thought they would be really thrilled for me. You know. Especially Jess, she’s my best friend. I thought she’d be wowed about my meeting you and getting engaged and everything. But I get the feeling she’s avoiding me.’
Scott takes off his hat and looks at me with painful sincerity. Am I actually dribbling? It’s possible – he’s gorgeous. I’m pretty sure he could make me worry less et al if he just took me now and said sod the chastity vow. I know, I’m being shallow.
‘The thing I’ve found hardest to appreciate is that success can fuck stuff up more than failure,’ says Scott, understanding everything without me having to say too much. ‘Why don’t you call her now? Try again. Use your new phone, put it on speaker, then I can say hello too,’ he says, helpfully.
As soon as Jess picks up, I elatedly yell, ‘Hi, it’s me!’
‘Fern!’ Jess shrieks. ‘Finally we talk!’
‘Didn’t you get my messages? I’ve called loads.’
‘I’ve tried to call you back but your mobile is dead and you didn’t leave another number – you silly sod.’
The relief. Of course, a simple explanation. ‘God, how stupid of me. So sorry. I’m all over the place. I’ve been living in a dream world.’
‘I see that from the papers. They say you’re in LA!’
‘Yes!’
‘I can’t believe it!’
‘Nor can I!’
‘You’re marrying Scottie Taylor!’
‘Yes!’
‘I can’t believe it!’
‘Nor can I!’
‘So you’ve gone. I really can’t believe it. You didn’t say goodbye.’ This time I can’t hear an exclamation mark.
‘There wasn’t time, I –’ I falter and then try again. ‘It’s not like it’s goodbye, goodbye.’
‘How can you have gone? You haven’t picked up any of your clothes.’
‘I had someone come by to pick up my passport and
‘Oh. I see. You didn’t take the makeup brushes that I got you for your birthday.’
‘Hell. That was a mistake. I meant to.’
‘I suppose you can buy more.’
Suddenly, I don’t want to tell her about the plethora of goodies on my dressing-table or the size of the house, the infinity pool, my new wardrobe. I don’t know how to. All at once the root of Jess’s silent censure is clear to me. ‘Oh shit, Jess, I’m so sorry. You’re concerned about the rent. Don’t worry about what I owe you, I’ll keep paying until you find someone to take my place.’
‘Very good of you.’ She doesn’t sound at all grateful.
‘How about we say I give you six months of rent on the old place upfront, you’ll find someone to replace me by then.’
‘You think it will take six months to find a new flatmate but you found a new fiancé in three days,’ says Jess.
Ouch. I look up at Scott, startled and wary of his reaction. ‘Adam was never my fiancé,’ I say pointedly.
There’s a silence. It lasts for about a week and I’m beginning to think Jess has hung up; eventually she sighs and says, ‘So what’s he like then? Scott?’
‘Brilliant, amazing, beyond words,’ I garble; instantly grinning broadly.
‘And you’re sure of that, already?’
‘Everyone knows that much,’ I answer simply. I try to turn the conversation. ‘We’ve set a date.’
‘For the wedding?’
‘Yes. October second. It’s a Friday. And of course, it
‘This October? Jesus, Fern, what’s the rush?’
Jess’s tone suggests that marrying Scott in a hurry might not be a brilliant idea; which is awkward considering he’s listening. Maybe I should tell her that she’s on speakerphone.
‘I’m marrying Scott Taylor. Explanation enough, surely,’ I say confidently and then I blow Scott a kiss. There’s another silence; stupidly, I try to fill it. ‘I feel really rough today. We had such a big night last night. I think I peed pure champagne this morning.’ For lack of anything better to say – after all, I daren’t broach the subject of my new home and my chat about my new fiancé was stonewalled – I add, ‘Just think, Jess, I can pee champagne every day of my life from now on, if I want to!’
‘Nice thought,’ she mumbles.
‘You should come here before the wedding. Have a holiday. Why don’t you?’
‘It isn’t a good time for me to do that.’
‘Is it the money? You needn’t worry about the money. Scott will buy you a ticket if I ask him to. He’s really ridiculously generous.’ I flash Scott a beam. I’m a little self-conscious about singing his praises in front of him, although he seems happy enough to listen. He nods encouragingly.
‘You do love the man don’t you, not just the money?’ Bloody hell. I really should have mentioned the speakerphone.
‘Yes, Jess, I do,’ I reply hotly and firmly. However understandable Jess’s question is, Scott must find it offensive. It’s offensive to me actually! I’m not a gold-digger or a star-fucker, Jess knows that. Doesn’t she? She’s known me for ever. I look at him while I speak to Jess. ‘He’s sensational. And he wants to marry me and have babies with me. It doesn’t get any better than this.’
‘If the papers are anything to go by, he’s quite a handful. He has so many demons and is constantly fighting his addictions. It’s not your scene at all.’ Jess sounds quite breathless, as though she’s rushing through a prepared speech. I’m beginning to think she might have been working on it all
week. She carries on, ‘People in bands, they have breakdowns, do drug overdoses and do weird things during sex with oranges. It’s not for you, Fern.’
I struggle to simultaneously control my temper and hide my embarrassment. Behind his back, people probably say this sort of stuff about him all the time but that doesn’t mean he wants to listen to it. I take a deep breath. ‘He’s really special and special people are always complicated. I want to help Scott deal with the whole enormous adulation thing. Maybe he can be the pop exception and just come through as a normal human being. He’s clean, now,’ I insist.
I stare right at Scott as I deliver this speech defending his honour. I really want him to see that I’m innocent and hopeful and loyal. My views are different from Jess’s. I’m different.
‘He’s clean right now, maybe,’ says Jess.
Abruptly Scott gets up and walks away; he’s heard enough. Neither my best smile nor my pleading eyes can
Once he’s safely out of earshot I round on her. ‘Jess, despite the fact that he’s a ludicrously wealthy pop star, who has travelled the world, met interesting people and slept with them, and I’m a painfully skint florist, who has travelled Zone 1 and 2 by tube, met the same people again and again and slept with a few of them – we are a lot alike. I’ve never been happier. Why can’t you be happy for me?’
‘I don’t believe in fairy tales.’
‘I thought you did.’
‘No. I believe in dreams coming true. It’s a different thing.’
‘Being with Scott has reminded me that life is supposed to be utterly splendid. We’re meant to enjoy as much of life as we can.’
‘Yeah, without hurting anyone.’
‘Goes without saying.’
‘But as you’ve run off with Scott you’ve hurt Adam.’
‘Are you suggesting that I should have stayed with Adam to save his feelings? What sort of relationship is that? Adam had his chance. I wanted to marry Adam. I wanted to move things on to a more serious and committed level. I wanted him to propose. But he didn’t.’
