by K E Osborn
Zero’s aware of a fair bit, but not all of my past. I’ve kept my past pent up inside me for a fucking long time. I know it’s responsible for the way I am. But I don’t want to talk to Fox. He wouldn’t judge me, of that I am sure, but he doesn’t understand me well enough to have a sympathetic ear.
“I can’t talk to Fox,” I reply.
Her hopeful expression falls, but she nods in understanding. “I get it. It’s hard to open up.”
I grab her hand pulling her with me.
Prinie’s eyes widen as we walk naked into her bedroom. “What are we doing?” She follows without hesitation as I sit us down, moving us so we’re comfortable at the head of the bed. I can tell she’s unsure of what I’m doing, but she’s simply following along to see where this is leading. I intertwine my fingers with hers as I lean back against the headboard and exhale trying to think of where to start.
“Is there a point to th—”
“Just… give me a second,” I blurt out.
Prinie’s face scrunches in confusion, then clicks over into concern. “Wait, do you want to…” She stops, her hand instinctively moving to her neck.
A knot forms in my stomach. I close my eyes and sigh heavily, hating myself for what I did to her that night, one year ago. She’s seeing my struggle in this moment as a sign of weakness for wanting to hurt her again.
“No… I’m fine,” I tell her honestly and re-open my eyes.
Prinie’s hand drops automatically from her neck as she turns to face me. “Then talk to me. What has you looking like you’re about to burst, or run, or… fuck! I don’t even know what that expression is on your face right now.”
Closing my eyes again, I take a deep centering breath, then open them. “I’ve never told anyone this shit.” Silence fills the room as her hand in mine tightens, giving me the strength I need.
If I’m going to open up about everything to someone, it’s going to be Prinie.
“This whole thing, what happened with us last year, it’s not the first time that’s happened… um, during sex.” Prinie gnaws on her bottom lip, but she keeps listening. “It’s a gratification thing for me. I honestly don’t know how it turned out that way, but somehow over the years, it developed and got worse. Uncontrolled.”
“You strangle women during sex?” Prinie’s tone is more curious than disappointed.
I take in a deep, centering breath. “The club girls did what they were told. In the beginning, they were hesitant. As you’ve seen, it can be fucking scary. But eventually, they all knew what it meant and how it would go, and they adjusted. They agreed to the way I did things, and they trusted me.”
Prinie winces as I continue telling the story. I know she doesn’t want to hear about my sex life with the women we both live with.
“But then one day, Zero had a talk with me because he’d had some complaints about me pushing it too far. This was before our encounter last year, and honestly, since his chat, I knew there was a risk, so from that chat, I’d abstained from any physical contact… until you… then again after you.”
Prinie’s eyes widen. “You haven’t had sex for a year?”
“It was too triggering for me, Prinie. All I could see was my hands around your neck.”
“If it makes you feel better, I haven’t slept with anyone else, either.”
My lips turn up, ever so slightly.
Somehow those words do help.
Prinie reaches out for my hand. “Thank you for opening up to me.”
My eyes widen, meeting hers, they’re glistening with unshed tears, and I haven’t even started telling her the hard shit yet.
This is much more difficult than I thought.
“That’s not all I need to tell you… there’s more, so much more.”
She weakly smiles, tightening her hand in mine. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
Those words hit much deeper than I could have expected. Knowing she isn’t going anywhere is exactly the boost I need right now. So, I steel my shoulders and prepare to tell her everything.
“Growing up, my mother was a low-end hooker. Her pimp would have men coming and going from wherever shithole we were staying at any time of the day or night.”
Prinie winces. “I didn’t know that. I’m sorry.”
I almost laugh because that’s not anywhere near the worst of it. “To keep me out of the way, she would drug me before the men would come over, so I wouldn’t… interrupt.”
She gasps. “How old were you?”
I cringe, gritting my teeth. “Young, too young, problem was most of the time the men who visited were drug-fucked assholes. They’d pay my mother with a fix and while she was passed out on crack…” I pause taking a breath as Prinie’s eyes flood with tears, “… the men would then come into my room. I might have only been semi-conscious from the drugs the whore gave me…” Fuck, this is so much harder than I thought. My stomach rolls as flashes, memories, pain slams back into my brain. Memories I have tried hard to bury over the years. “But I knew well enough what they were doing to me. Every. Single. Time.”
Nausea slams into me full force, and I dry retch.
Prinie quickly wipes the tears away from her face. “They abused you.”
I try to clear the lump that’s firmly caught in my throat, but my voice is more of a whisper now. “They took advantage of a young boy who couldn’t defend himself, and they turned him into a monster.”
Prinie lets out a whimper as she cuddles into my side. “No. That’s not true.”
I peek down at her pressed against my side. “I tried to choke you, Kharlie. I took pleasure from it, in that moment. If that’s not a monster, I don’t know what is.”
She gazes into my eyes. “Why? Why did you choke me? Where did it come from?”
I turn away from her.
Why is this so fucking hard?
But I’ve already started, I may as well keep going. “When I was sixteen, my mother drugged me again, but I was getting better at fighting back. At putting up more of a fight.” I exhale. “This guy came in, did whatever the fuck he wanted with my mother, got her high on Ice, then came after me. I was so fucking out of it I had no clue who he was, only what he was doing… because I was so high on the drugs my mother forced into my veins, it made it harder for me to fight the men off. I tried. Every. Fucking. Time. I tried… including this time. This particular asshole had me facing him the entire time he was abusing me. All I saw was the way his face scrunched in pleasured delight.” My stomach rolls at the memory. “My hands reached out, aiming for his neck, flailing about trying to choke him, to get him off me, but all he did was laugh. Once he … finished, I saw my mother standing in the doorway watching the whole damn thing.”
Prinie huffs. “Are you kidding me?”
“Mother of the year. Then the fucker turned my MO against me, and started to strangle me instead. He was high off his nut, and I felt the life draining from me, but she stood there… just… watching. I was helpless to do anything, but honestly, at that point, I was ready to let it all go.”
“Oh, Wraith.”
“But Mom’s pimp, T-Max, knocked on the door saying the fucker’s time was up. So, he simply… let me go. Air flowed back into my lungs as he got up and left. Then Mom stood over me telling me how every woman in my life is going to stand over my body and watch me get fucked, time and time again. Because I’m worthless and deserve nothing but the pain I’d caused her by being alive.”
Prinie sniffles again. “Jesus Christ, and you wonder why you have a hard time connecting with people?”
“That’s not the end, Prinie.”
“It’s not?”
Finally, I turn to look at her. “When I came to, Mom was trying to give me another hit. Preparing me for another asshole to come in and to do the whole thing over again… I snapped. I fought back this time. I would not let it happen again.”
Prinie’s eyes widen with realization. “You strangled her?” I nod. “And you liked the power it hel
d. You liked the feeling because killing her gave you the chance to finally be free.”
Maybe Prinie understands me better than I even do.
“Her pimp, T-Max, saw the whole damn thing. Aimed a gun to my head. I tried to fight him off, but the fucker called the heat on me and that’s how I ended up in juvie. But, he actually did me a solid and testified that I reacted in self-defense. Told them she was trying to drug me for her own personal gain. Got me a lighter sentence and early release.”
Her eyes light up. “I get it now. This all stems from your mother.”
I cock my head. “What does?”
Prinie turns to face me a little more, grabbing both my hands in hers. “Your need to choke, your sexual desires, they are reliving a time in your life that was liberating for you.”
I grimace hearing her say it out loud. “I’m not following.”
“Your mother told you every woman in your life was going to stand over your body and watch you get fucked time and time again. Because you’re worthless and deserve nothing but the pain you’d caused by being alive. You clung to that. It’s ingrained into your psyche. Subconsciously, deep inside, that scared little boy thinks every woman is like your mother. They are going to stand back and let people hurt you because you’re worthless. Because you bring nothing but pain to those around you. Well, I’m telling you now, Talon, I’m never going to stand by and let anyone hurt you. I’d throw myself in front of a firing gun before I’d let another human being hurt you like that again.”
A wave of cold washes over me, finding it difficult to breathe. My ears start to ring as my eyes fill with unshed tears. No one has ever stepped up to defend me like Prinie has. No one has ever cared about me enough, or believed in me, even to contemplate saying something like that.
Letting out a long breath to control my emotions, I shake my head. “I’m so… fucking sorry.”
Her entire body slumps, tears falling down her face. She launches over the top of me, kneeling either side of my thighs. Her hands come out gripping my cheeks as she stares into my eyes. “Stop! I know you are. It wasn’t you. Certainly, not this man I’m seeing right now. And even if that part of you is stuck with us for the rest of our lives, that’s fine, too. We’ll deal with it, together. Okay?”
My hands slide out gripping onto her hips. “You’re too fucking good for me.”
Prinie leans in pressing her forehead to mine. “We’re both broken, Wraith. We have damaged pasts. My parents had their throats slit right in front of me. You had to do something to get a better life for yourself. We’re products of our past, but together, we can make a brighter future, but only if we both work at it.”
“I need to be inside of you again,” I groan, my lips taking her nipple in between my teeth.
She bites down on her bottom lip, lifting her hips, to let my freshly formed erection slide into place. “You can be inside of me whenever you feel the need.” She presses down, and I force out a throaty moan as I run my hand up to cup her firm breast.
“Well, then, we’re gonna be in this room for a long damn time.”
Standing over the bed looking down at her, she’s so peaceful. The sheets pulled up as she sleeps so blissfully. She looks calm, somehow her skin is more beautiful than I remember.
As I lean down, my fingers gently caress her pale cheek, and I pull back a strand of hair drawing it over her ear. The loose tendril falls into the crook of her neck, my attention instantly going there.
My heart rate picks up as I stare at her neck. She’s lying there so peacefully. I’m like a junkie needing a fix as adrenaline courses through my veins while I stare at her pulse throbbing on her jugular. I want to feel it against my palm.
Inching closer, I smell the tobacco from her last cigarette. It makes my nose curl in aggravation. My hands reach out, my fingers itching to touch her sallow skin. To feel the smooth texture before I drain the life from her. She’s on her side, so I need to move fast. My blood pumps so rapidly as excitement bubbles in me.
If I’m going to do this, I need to do it now.
I reach out shoving her, pushing her onto her back. Her eyes fling open as I straddle her body. My hands don’t hesitate as they lock in around her neck. Her eyes widen in fear as I clench down so fucking tight my fingers go red, then instantly white.
She gasps, desperate for air, her fingers clawing as her body bucks like a bronco only spurring me on.
“Talon, son, please stop!” Mom garbles out, but it’s barely even a whisper as I cling harder.
My body’s flaming hot with adrenaline.
Shutting my eyes, my head flings back reveling in my bloodlust. Killing my mother is so fucking gratifying. She shudders, her body writhing, but fighting me only excites me more until her body begins to weaken. I open my eyes, but beneath me is Prinie, her eyes wide, bloodshot, and almost bursting out of her face. Her lips blue as her lifeless hands drop to her sides.
I let out the breath I was holding as my fingers unclench from her throat.
I sit back, narrowing my eyes on her.
Scrunching up my face, taking in Prinie’s wrecked face.
I’m so fucking confused.
It was my mom.
I know it was my mom, and yet before me is Prinie?
Fear cripples me as I jump from the bed seeing Prinie’s lifeless body.
My stomach rolls, shaking uncontrollably as my eyes well with tears. “Fuck. Prinie!”
My world starts spinning as I fall to the floor, but it’s like I’m rocking, my whole world is moving from side to side.
It’s like I’m in another fucking universe.
I have to be.
“Oh God, what have I done?”
“Wraith, wake up!” Prinie shoves me so hard, I almost fall out of the bed. My body jolts up, panting for much-needed oxygen. My skin is dripping with sweat as I turn to face her. Her eyes narrow on me in concern as I reach out touching her face.
“You’re okay?” I pant, wondering what the fuck is real and what isn’t.
“I’m fine. Are you?” Prinie questions.
I quickly stand from the bed, feeling like the world is caving in on me.
That felt all too fucking real.
I begin pacing the bedroom floor as she stands, unsure of the situation. “Do you have nightmares often?”
“No, I mean… yeah, sometimes, but not like that.”
She steps up to me, placing her hand on my arm, but I flinch away.
I need some space.
She grimaces as I raise my hands in surrender. “It’s not you. This is not about you or us. I just… I need a minute.”
She wraps her arms around herself, taking a step back. “What can I do?”
I take in a deep breath as I turn heading for the bathroom to grab my clothes. “Go back to bed. Get some sleep. I’m sorry if I scared you.”
I start pulling my jeans on as I see her sit on her bed through the doorway of the bathroom.
“Are you coming back?” she asks.
Glancing in the mirror, I’m fucking wrecked. I don’t know how long I was asleep for, but it’s no wonder I can’t get any sleep when I have fucking nightmares like that.
“Wraith?”
My eyes squint at her.
Prinie’s insecure in herself right now—I’ve made her that way.
After everything we’ve been through tonight, I still hold the power to make her doubt herself.
I’m an asshole.
I do up my jeans, taking off for the door.
“Wraith, talk to me.”
“I killed you, okay?” I yell at her.
She jerks back, sadness washes over her features. I huff, turning for the door. She rushes forward, her hand grabbing my arm. An electrical shock courses straight through me and lets me know she is well and truly alive.
So am I.
“Wraith, stop!” Her voice is broken.
But I don’t.
I take off out the door needing to clear my head. She’s naked, so s
he won’t follow me, at least not right away. I close her door behind me feeling like a prick, but I can’t be near her right now. Not because I’ll hurt her. I know I won’t. But because I’m ashamed of everything I am. Of the monster my mother made me into. Of the man I became because of it.
Ashamed I had a dream like that with her naked next to me.
I race down the hall, taking the stairs two at a time and head for the outside gym. Phantom’s the only one still up, and he’s sitting by the bar drinking by himself. He lifts his chin at me, but I ignore him as I continue barefoot, wearing only my jeans. I’m sure he’s wondering what the fuck I’m doing, but seeing a brother run around scantily clad this late at night is not a rare sight.
“Wraith, don’t run away. Talk to me,” Prinie calls out as I reach the back door.
I turn to take her in. She’s wearing a deep purple silk robe which is barely done up, no shoes, and she’s rushing toward me.
Phantom’s eyes widen as he drinks his beer while taking in the drama unfolding right before him.
I’m sure he’s putting two and two together.
I turn around throwing my hands in the air. “You want me to talk to you?”
She stalls right in front of me. “Exactly! Don’t run away like a coward.”
“Like a coward? Prinie, my urges will always haunt me, even in my fucking sleep.”
She slumps her body, her eyes shifting a little softer. “We can work through it together, remember? You have to be willing to try, that’s all.”
Regret and pain sear through me as I take in her gorgeous face, but all I see is her body lying on the bed in the aftermath of my dream. I let out a staggered breath. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
Prinie’s eyes flood with tears, her bottom lip quivering as she inches closer to me. “You won’t physically, but you keep doing it emotionally!” She sniffles, then turns, storming back toward the stairs.
My hands ball into fists as Phantom rushes off after her. My head begins to swarm, my ears ring as anger takes over my body. I need to take some of this pent-up frustration out before I really do blow a gasket because Prinie’s my weakness, and right now, she’s making me incredibly fucking weak.
