-Feel sorry for my dress, too. It'll be a long time before it can show its face again in this zip code.
-Stopping at the drugstore for more cold/flu pills and a jumbo bag of Hershey Kisses for Sluthammer to keep her busy so I can get some rest.
June 21:
-Saying it, sorry, with feeling...most of the time
Another run in with BitchFace, but I'm going to have to postpone our parking lot cat fight for another day--I have after work plans.
-Since sorry isn't cutting it with Boyfriend, I'm buying him that damn porkpie hat he's been mooning over. Happy now?
June 22:
-Way too early for the whisper campaign BitchFace has already started against me. Jeez, at least let me finish my latte. And....Here we go.
-While I'm more of a dog person (even of the neighbor's yappy dog), I'd never toss a cat at BitchFace. No cat deserves it.
-Spent my lunch break talking Sluthammer out of dropping by MoneyBags's house. Sincerely doubt his wife would've invited her in for tea.
-Seeing Boyfriend tonight to give him his porkpie hat and my last sorry. If this doesn't do the trick, that hat is the last pork between us.
June 23:
-Sending a certain bagel chain a note about a rude employee. I ordered a bagel not attitude, guy. I take bad customer service personally.
-Haven't seen her today, but I'm sure BitchFace is lurking, waiting to strike. Maybe she thinks I'm doing the same thing. Paranoid much? Yes.
-My rep wants to know if she can book me for another week. Told her yes. I'm no quitter and it's my goal to out temp BitchFace.
June 24:
-Last night Boyfriend emailed me a pic of him wearing his porkpie hat...at a bar with his arm around some big boobed bleached blond. Grrr!
-My day just got that much more crappy. Sluthammer is back with MoneyBags and office manager asked me to work on a project with BitchFace.
-A blond with fake boobs at a bar? Boyfriend went to Harvard--I at least expected a little originality.
-I gave Boyfriend that damn porkpie hat. Little did I know it would unleash his inner douche.
-Going home and not coming out until Monday. (Except for food. And a haircut on Saturday. Maybe to the movies and bookstore.) So there!
June 25:
-I have my apartment to myself and enough episodes of Law & Order: SVU to keep me glued to my TV until this later this afternoon. Whatever.
-Boyfriend has called and texted. Says he's "soooooo soooorrryyy." Going to let him sweat it out. I have a few more L&O: SVUs to watch.
June 26:
-Boyfriend is still waiting. I drove to Palm Springs to rescue Sluthammer. MoneyBags's wife showed up and ruined their romantic weekend. Ha!
-Making the most of my rescue trip to Palm Springs by stopping at the outlets for a little shopping. Sluthammer can stay in the car and cry.
-It's as if everyone dumped their relationships in a blender and hit purée, including me. Gonna take a bit of effort to sort all this out.
June 27:
-Leaving relationship baggage at home and heading to work. How sick is it that I've been looking forward to this all weekend? Very. I think.
-Sluthammer is done with MoneyBags. Might have something to do with his wife threatening to pull out her extensions...which she doesn't have.
-Boyfriend(?) has shown up at work! With flowers! BitchFace is jealous! I'm still mad at him, but BitchFace doesn't need to know that.
June 28:
-Finally gotten a handle of this job. Ask for work before the manager has her first cup of coffee. She's so out of it, she lets me choose.
-BitchFace wants to be my best friend. So many compliments and inane questions. But, no, I won't be eating that homemade muffin she gave me.
-Not sure I want to forgive Boyfriend(?) and it's not just because of the porkpie hat and blond. I might have chronic relationship fatigue.
June 29:
-Stopping by Boss's empty office to pick up mail and water plants. He and Wife are off trying to make a baby on some tropical beach. Weirdos.
-BitchFace wants to be pals, but I know she's up to something very evil. It's very The Roommate which is a ripoff of that other better movie.
-Been doing some creative typing at home. I've talked too much smack about cafe writers to show my face and laptop at Starbucks.
-A vacation is not a vacation unless it takes place in a hotel. Not a tent, condo or RV.
-Boyfriend is really working it, but the more he tries the more I'm just very meh about it. Guess that turns him on. Weirdo.
-Boyfriend(?) wants to hang out this weekend. Not in the mood. Said I'm visiting my grandma (who will be in Vegas gambling my inheritance).
June 30:
-Got pulled into a meeting to explain the database to the VP of something or another. For this I get a bonus15 minute break. How to use it?
-It's been one of those days to go with a week that's been just as crappy.
July
July 1:
-My rep at temp agency has nothing for me. Nothing. Things usually dry up in August, pick up in September. Job drought has come way early.
-BitchFace wants to throw a goodbye party for my last day here. Considering she snagged the job from me, I think it’s very bitchface of her.
-Grandma says it's okay if I spend the weekend at her place while she's in Vegas. She made me promise to water her plastic plants.
July 2:
-Power walk with the lady in the condo next door then breakfast at the cafetorium before crafts. This place is camp for geezers. I like it.
-The 70-y-o guy from 101C is fooling around with the gal from 308A, but engaged to the woman from 110B. It's like Melrose Place around here.
-Grandma called from Vegas to tell me to stay away from guy from 101C. He's already hit on me twice, so her warning was a little late.
July 3:
-Sluthammer showed up like I knew she would. Have to keep her away from the old guys. Most of them have heart issues.
-Water aerobics class was not much of a workout. Everyone just floats around, gossiping about what's going on with 101C, 308A and 110B.
-It's barely 7 and I'm yawning. Who knew three solid hours of bingo could be so exhausting? But these folks play to win. They're ruthless.
July 4:
-Going to a friend's 4th of July backyard bash. Offered to bring something and he said "Can you pick up some food?" Fun times ahead.
-How can a holiday that features hotdogs, marching and fireworks be so depressing? Sluthammer is faking it in cutoffs. I'd rather be at home.
-You know what? Fireworks do make everything better. Hurray, USA!
July 5:
-Even though I don't have a temp assignment this week, I still got up and dressed as if for work. Didn't fool Sluthammer, tho. She's sharp.
-Have watch way too many Lifetime lady crack movies with Sluthammer. We now suspect each other of the most horrible acts of betrayal.
-Trying to cheer Sluthammer up with a waxing party. That girl lives to depilate.
July 6:
-Working for building handy guy--painting, hammering and such. I'm wearing coveralls, a baseball cap, latex gloves and lipstick, of course.
-If I owned an apartment complex, I wouldn't rent to frat boys. They totally trashed this place. Holes in the floor, walls and ceiling. Bad!
-Trying to wash dried paint out of my hair. It's the most boring shade of beige you can imagine. The paint, not my hair.
July 7:
-Handy says I'm ready to handle a leaky faucet on my own. I think he's right. It's just all the rest of my life I suck at.
-It's my job to get lunch for me and Handy which Poky, the landlord, pays for as long as it's under $7 each. This gig is kind of sweet.
-Sluthammer thinks I should focus on getting a real career. She's worried I'm going to fill out my over-sized coveralls and get bad tattoos.
July 8:
-My temp rep is on maternity le
ave. Don't like the gal whose taken over for her, but I have to play nice or get screwed. Not the fun kind.
-Watching paint dry is not as exciting as it sounds.
-Last day as an apprentice handy gal. Kind of bummed, but learned lots of useful stuff. Handy says I can moonlight for him anytime. Bonus.
July 9:
-Sluthammer can't take being so near yet so far from MoneyBags' hairy armpit. She's off to her dad's in Chicago. Funny enough, I'll miss her.
-Word has gotten around that Boyfriend(?) and I are on the outs. Friends insisting I go out with them. Should be good for couple of drinks.
July 10:
-Visiting with grandma today. Hoping she has some words of wisdom for me, but I doubt it. Most likely she'll hit me up for bingo money.
-Relief. Lined up a job. Covering for a friend while she's on vacation. Starts tomorrow and she said to make sure I wear comfy shoes.
July 11:
-Talked with Handy about his ideal wife. He's looking for a nice Eastern Orthodox gal with roomy hips and a cheerful disposition. So not me.
-Text from Sluthammer asking about the weather. Told her it's fantastic, but might be a bit better if she were around to enjoy it with me.
-Off to cover for a friend whose on vacation. While she lolls on a beach in Belize, I'll be digging deep for my long neglected retail skills.
July 12:
-Not used to being in bed this late on a weekday--I don't have to be at the mall until noon. Too much free time is not good for my morals.
-Starting my second day as a retail monkey with a positive attitude. As in: I'm positive today is going to totally suck for this monkey.
-People are way ruder when you're the one wearing the smock.
-What's up with the giant kids in strollers? If your kid can text on his cell phone, he can walk. (Maybe not at the same time.)
July 13:
-Volunteered to watch Yappy dog while his bitch is at the gym. Doing it for free because I'm not a bitch.
-I know the location of every mall bathroom (Bloomingdale's is nicest) and ATM, but can't figure out the underground parking lot. Got lost!
-Just spent what I've earned on a cute pair of shoes. And now I remember why I had to stop working at the mall.
-Doing the lonely gal thing and going to a movie instead of going home, but I'm wearing my cute new shoes. Something good is bound to happen!
July 14:
-When every day seems to be Friday the 13th....
July 15:
-Today I get to see where what I've been selling comes from--a warehouse on the outskirts of Downtown Los Angeles. I'll never be the same…
-What Mall Employees Do to Pass the Time: Playing spot the shoplifter. So far I'm 2 for 5.
-Friday night. No Sluthammer or Boyfriend to keep me from going absolutely wild. My Tivo isn't going to know what hit it.
July 16:
-Trying to make up for last night's Tivo binge by walking to Starbucks instead of driving. In my mind this wipes the slate clean.
-Fully prepared to make the most of my lazy Saturday...right after I organize my sock drawer and clean out the fridge.
-Surprise invite to go out from Thief. I thought he had a girlfriend. I've accepted just to find out.
July 17:
-My phone woke me up and it was Boyfriend(?) on the other end and I agreed to meet him for brunch. Must be due to only have 3 hours of sleep.
July 18:
-Hoping for a call for a last minute temp assignment. Until that happens, I'm cleaning the bathroom tile grout with a toothbrush. Yes. I am.
-No temp assignment. I'm babysitting Void for the rest of the week while he's parents are out of town. This could be scary and interesting.
-Boyfriend(?) might be Boyfriend again which means I'm not going to go into details about that night with Thief. And so it begins.
July 19:
-First day as a house-teenager sitter for Void while his parents are in Europe. Dressed the part-- long skirt, cardigan and hair in a bun.
-I'll be driving the family Volvo to take Void to his guitar lesson in West Hollywood...just as soon as he remembers where he put his guitar.
-Void picked where to eat dinner. Not surprised (and secretly thrilled) that he wants to go to Chuck E. Cheese's. The cardigan is coming off!
July 20:
-Waking up in a strange bed is weird (even when it's in a guest room in Pacific Palisades). I'll ask Sluthammer how she can do it so easily.
-Void wants to have some friends over to play video games. He says I'm more than welcome to invite any and all of my hot girl friends. Right.
-Taught Void how to load and run the dishwasher. Tomorrow it's laundry. See what happens when parents have the housekeeper do everything?
July 21:
-Stupidly took Void up on his challenge to see who could eat more bowls of Fruit Loops. Now the roof of my mouth is raw. I won. Of course.
-Sitting with all the other nannies in the waiting room while Void is in with his therapist. I'd compare notes, but I'm only a temp nanny.
-Void wants to cook dinner. Or at least try to. I'm going to let him because I'm curious to see what he can do with a box of Mac & Cheese.
July 22:
-Void wants to see who can stand staying in their pajamas longest. He's already won this one.
-We've managed to clear the pantry and fridge of anything edible. Heading out for provisions, but Void won't let me make a list. Dangerous.
-Boyfriend wants to see me, but I'm a responsible babysitter. He'll just have to take care of things on his own until Sunday.
July 23:
-Watching Saturday morning cartoons and eating sugary cereal. Wonder when Void will wake up?
-As many times as I tell Void that saying "Who farted?" is not funny, it still makes me laugh every time.
-Void wants to go to a house party and says I can come along as his faux cougar…Sounds like fun!
July 24:
-Void wants to pitch water balloons over the crabby neighbor's fence. Told him I'll join in but we have to wait until I'm off the clock.
-Giving the place a quick tidy for Void's parents' return. Nothing broken, burned or burgled. I've done my job.
-Turned down Void and his parents' offer to stay for dinner. It's time to go home.
July 25:
-Boss dared me to face in instead of the doors on our ride up the elevator. People really don't like that.
-Boyfriend is coming over. Feeling mean so I'm going to make him watch The Notebook then, after it's done, tell him I have a headache.
July 26:
-Who flosses their teeth while driving? On the freeway? Some guy in a BMW was. At least he wasn't texting at the same time.
-You know what's weird? Seeing someone famous who you don't know is famous, but you have the feeling she is.
-Boyfriend is coming over, but this time there will be no Notebook. Just sex. He's earned it.
July 27:
-Boss's wife wants my pee to make sure her pregnancy tests aren't faulty. She's assuming mine will be negative. So am I.
-My pee has tested double plus signs for lattes. It's official. I'm having a Starbucks baby.
-Boyfriend found Wifey's extra pregnancy tests in my purse. Let his freak out go on for way too long, but it was fun to see.
July 28:
-Got yelled at by one of Boss's extra jerky clients. It's not my fault his 3 ex-wives are talking to soon to be 4th about where the money is.
-It's window washer day! Dared Boss to moon the guy for $20 even though I know he'd do it just for kicks.
-Boyfriend has recovered from pregnancy test scare. Promised to never peek in my purse again. Now I can stash my porn in there.
July 29:
-Boss says Wifey is taking not being pregnant hard. Which means it's his job to be hard to fix it.
-My rep is still on leave so I'm a temp orphan at my agency. Have to take what I can get and not ask for more. I
t's all very Oliver Twist.
-Calling in girlfriend and friend sick and staying in tonight. It's just me, my laptop and a crap load of Hoarders on Tivo. Perfection.
July 30:
-When in doubt, do laundry.
-Boyfriend needs me to be a girlfriend with a capital G. Wonder if they make a pill for that?
July 31:
-Did you just feel that earthquake? Sluthammer is back in Los Angeles! And in my apartment. What's the opposite of "!"?
-Sluthammer says what I need is a fake tan. She has tube of it and is determined that I make use of it.
August
August 1:
-Faux tan disaster! Woke up looking like I've eaten a ton of carrots. Sluthammer finds my orange glow funny. Me, not so much.
-No call from my temp agency today, but hoping for something tomorrow. Doubt my fake orange tan will fade by to normal pasty white by then.
-Sluthammer refuses to be seen in public with me, says I look like an Oompa Loompa. Making the best of it and dyeing tips of my hair green.
August 2:
-On-call means just that. Answered my phone at 7:15, out the door by 7:35 and stuck in traffic until 8:40. The glamorous life of a temp…
-Green tips of my hair aren't going over well with office manager. Will dye them back to brown tonight. Orange skin wasn't mentioned, tho.
-Had to go to 3 different drugstores to find my shade of brown. Now I'm too annoyed to dye my hair. Never dye angry, that's my one rule.
August 3:
-The green hair stays because I'm staying home. Office manager didn't like my attitude and nixed me coming back. Whatever.
The Brenda Diaries Page 15
