He shook his head. “You’re such a dork.”
“Am not!”
“Natalie. You’re in mittens. That’s pretty much the definition of dorky. That and having day-of-the-week underwear that you actually wear on the right days of the week.”
“Hey, I never get confused about what day of the week it is. I just lift up my skirt and take a gander.”
He laughed and then looked at me. “You don’t really have day-of-the-week underwear, right?”
“No, I’m just kidding. God, I have some limits to my oddness, Macmillan.”
“It’s probably only really dweeby if you wear them on the actual days.”
“Agreed.”
“So did you start Bonnie and Clyde yet?”
“No, I was about to make hot chocolate when you texted me. I was all kinds of cozy.”
“Sounds like it. I love hot chocolate. But, I guess, who doesn’t, really?”
“Yeah, but this is the best hot chocolate of your life. It’s my grandmother’s recipe and it’s ridiculously good.”
“What a tease you are, Shepherds.”
He gave me a light shove on the shoulder and smiled at me.
“I am not!”
I heard it then. The flirtatious, girlie lilt in my voice. Was I flirting with Aiden? Hadn’t I felt guilty about this once already? Why did I want to put myself through that again?
Whether or not I was flirting, my mental commentary was such a small part of my brain right now. My mouth, mind and batting eyelashes were acting of their own volition.
“Oh, you totally are.”
“No, I just haven’t been given the opportunity to share my hot chocolate with you.”
“Ah, that’s all it is. I gotcha. So after sledding, are you going to let me try it?”
My heart lifted a little at the idea of more plans with Aiden. What was going on with him? It seemed strange that he was trying to hang out with me alone. He’d never done this, really. We had been alone before. But not ever on purpose. Not like this.
I tried to reel myself in, telling myself that he was probably not thinking anything of it. I was Natalie. I wasn’t a girl girl. He probably thought of us as two friends hanging out.
The logical part of my brain—which was shrinking rapidly—told me that I knew him. I knew Brooke. And I knew that he should be smarter than this. I knew that him wanting to hang out with me like this was suspicious and unusual. I also knew that there was no way I was going to be able to resist the prospect of him coming over.
“Of course.” And then, before I could stop Flirtatious, Girlie Natalie: “You can even join me for my first viewing of Bonnie and Clyde if you want.”
He looked at me, and for a second I feared he’d call me out for being completely inappropriate.
“I do love me some Faye Dunaway.”
I wasn’t sure if that was a blow-off or him agreeing to come. Before I had to figure out a clarifying response, I realized where we were.
“Oh, hey! I grew up sledding here!”
“Really? I guess that makes sense. It’s the most convenient location for epic sledding near you.”
There were some guys from the football team there, including Justin. I was glad that Reed wasn’t there. Justin wasn’t a whole lot better, but at least he was too stupid to say much. I was happy, too, to note that Eric wasn’t there. Bethany was, however, sidling up to one of the guys in a way she probably considered sexy.
“Hey, Natalie,” she said. “Where’s Brooke?”
“She’s sick,” answered Aiden. “She hasn’t felt good all day.”
“That’s too bad. Well...cool that you came out, anyway, Natalie.”
I saw two figures trudging up the hill and realized one of them was Alexa.
“Eee!” she exclaimed when she saw me, dropping the rope on the sled. It started back down the hill, and whoever had been walking with her had to race down to catch it.
“Alexa!”
“I’m so glad you came,” she said, throwing her arms around me. I could smell alcohol on her.
“You were able to drink again tonight? I would have thought the idea would make you sick after how you felt earlier.”
“I got in a solid catnap earlier. Plus your burger and stuff at lunch helped a fuckton. Where’s Brooke?”
“Sick.”
“I guess someone didn’t rally as well as someone else.” She pointed at herself, laughed and then pulled me over to a spot in the snow where there were a couple bottles of liquor. “Pick your poison,” she said.
“Um, whatever tastes best.”
She handed me a bottle. “It’s peach schnapps. Not super alcoholic, but you probably don’t need something that strong. Go down the hill with me! Hurry up and swig that and let’s go.”
I took a big gulp, not minding the idea of a social lubricant, and then let her pull me onto the sled. She sat behind me. The guys started whooping.
“Now make out!” said one of them.
“Oh, shut up, Ryan,” she said, but again, it was obvious she didn’t mind the joke. Like Brooke, this sort of teasing was her rocket fuel.
I could have stayed there all night. It might have been freezing cold, and snow might have found its way into my boot almost immediately. But it was worth it. Worth it to laugh and feel clever and charming and—for the first time in a long time—part of a group.
I had forgotten that these people weren’t merely—or at least weren’t always—airheaded junior alcoholics. They were pretty fun.
Aiden and I went down the hill on the sled together, and the feeling of his body behind mine sent a thrill through me. We were then alone at the bottom of the hill, well out of earshot from everyone at the top.
“Nice braids by the way, Dorothy,” he said, flicking one of them.
“It’s sensible, since I’m in a hat, jerk.” I pushed him, and he tripped backward into a mound of snow.
I cracked up.
“You asshole!” he said, and sat up to pull me down into the snow mound, too.
I squealed, and fell next to him.
“Hey, at least I didn’t mean to!”
“Uh-huh, sure.”
“I didn’t!”
I looked past him and saw that one figure was standing away from the rest, watching us.
“We should go back up, I guess,” he said. He groaned. “You want to go pretty soon?”
It was so weird to be making this decision together. Like...a couple or something.
I became aware that my desire to stay there all night had changed the second Aiden wasn’t going to be there anymore.
“Yeah, sure.”
The figure watching us turned out to be Bethany. I wondered what she would make of what she had seen, and if she—notorious gossip—would realize enough was going on to tell anyone. I got a guilty lurch in my stomach.
Aiden was clearly not that worried about how we came off.
“All right, guys, I’ll meet up with you tomorrow. Gotta make sure this one gets home without cracking her head on the ice.”
“It’s a distinct possibility,” I added in.
We said our goodbyes, I tried to calm my pounding heart and we set off toward my house. It was Aiden who spoke first.
“It’s so weird how the sky gets like this in wintertime. Back home, it didn’t really do this.”
“What, how it’s kind of light out?”
“Yeah. It’s like a dark orange instead of pitch-black. I like it.”
I looked up at the sky, at the white snow still coming down. Aiden stopped and looked up, too.
“It’s pretty beautiful, I guess.”
I laughed at his phrasing. “Yeah, pretty magnificent or whatever.”
“Hey, you bet
ter watch that mouth, missy.”
“Uh-huh. Hey, thanks for walking me home.”
“No problem. Can’t be letting you do it on your own.”
“Hey, I’m a pretty self-sufficient girl.”
“I definitely know that. But you need a little saving, I think.”
“I most certainly do not!”
He shrugged. “I think you must need some.”
“Hey, don’t jump on that train, acting like I need a boyfriend. I don’t.”
I noticed, and I wondered if he did, too, that I didn’t mention Brooke’s name.
“Right. Well. I still think you could do with a little white-knighting.”
“Maybe. Maybe I just don’t know it.”
It felt like a three-second walk, but we were already at my house.
“Um. Still want some hot chocolate?”
“Of course.”
Plunge in my chest. This was a moment of truth, and I knew it. I might not have had a full-on understanding of what was going on, but I knew I was making a Choice. I wanted to spend time with Aiden, particularly this sort of illegal time, in the middle of the night with no one watching us. I opened the door and let him in.
CHAPTER TEN
“THIS IS THE best part about freezing your ass off for hours,” said Aiden. “The part where you go inside and get to be warm.”
“Definitely.”
He took off his coat and sweatshirt, and I told him I’d be right back, I needed to change.
I shut the door to my bedroom and took a deep breath. Aiden was here, without Brooke. Just with me. Alone in my house. Why was he here? Did he like me? Was he trying to prove something to Brooke? Did Brooke even know I had gone sledding tonight?
Then a horrible thought struck me: What if he had heard I’d hooked up with Eric, and now thought I was just easy?
“Pfft, no,” I said aloud.
That didn’t add up. He knew me better than that. And I was pretty sure I knew him well enough to say he wouldn’t be that guy. But then, everything he was doing right now was so unlike him.
And really...everything I was doing was so unlike me.
I went to the mirror to see just how windburned I looked. I decided that I didn’t look terrible. I tossed on a little tinted chapstick and changed into a pair of yoga pants and an Abercrombie & Fitch tank top I’d gotten for six dollars once. It hung loosely, making it look like I wasn’t trying, but it was low cut on the chest. I paired it with the bra Brooke had made me buy from Victoria’s Secret. I hadn’t worn it yet. I had to rip off the tag.
“Whoa,” I said aloud to my reflection. It looked like I had boobs. The bra was actually a little tight. I didn’t remember it being so tight when I bought it.
I headed into the kitchen, where Aiden was standing, now in long athletic shorts and a blue Hurley V-neck. I’d always liked that shirt. In fact, I had helped Brooke pick it out. I remembered feeling how soft it was on the hanger. I knew it would be just as soft on him now.
His eyes flickered for a split second to my chest. I suddenly regretted my clothing choice. What was I doing? Why was I trying to look good for him? I should have put on a sweatshirt and called it a day. I didn’t want to look like I was trying.
“I see you lit the candle,” I said, glancing at it.
Aiden cleared his throat. “Hey. Say what you want, but I like candles just as much as the next gal.”
I laughed.
“So what’s the trick to this hot chocolate?” He leaned against the counter and crossed his arms. My own eyes flickered to his arms for a split second.
Dammit.
“I can’t tell you that!” I opened the fridge and retrieved the Tupperware filled with the whipped chocolate.
“Aw, come on.”
“I can’t! It’s secret.”
He nodded. “All right, I can respect that. Family secrets are family secrets.”
“Mmm-hmm.”
He considered me for a second. “I think you’d like my family.”
“I’ve met your mom, she’s really nice.”
“Nah, I mean my cousins back home and everyone. I know they’d love you. But I think you’d like them, too.”
“That’s nice.” I smiled. “Why?”
“Because you’re fun. And real. And it doesn’t matter where you are, you are always you. They’d respect that. I think you’d like them because they’re a bunch of crazy rednecks who are actually a lot smarter than they seem.” He got a fond look in his eye. “They’re a hoot.”
“They do sound fun, I’m sure you’re right.”
“Do you mind me asking...about your mom? You never talk about her and I know you’re just here with your dad.”
I shrugged. “There’s nothing to say, really.”
He must have sensed that this was not true, because he stayed silent.
“It’s not one of those real tragic stories or anything. My mom was not made to be a mom. Like, at all.” I gave a small laugh as I heated the saucepan. “She got knocked up at sixteen and never had a chance to grow up. She was a wild child, apparently. Very Brooke-like. And nothing like me.”
“Was she good to you when you were a little kid?”
I shrugged. “It’s more that I was an exceptionally easy child, and I made a cute accessory for her until I got older and more challenging.”
“I doubt you’ve ever been challenging.”
“Eh. I had my argumentative years. So when I was ten, she and my dad started fighting all the time. Mostly about how to raise me and how to deal with me. They disagreed on everything. Plus my mom still wanted to go out and party half the time. She was only twenty-six, so...I guess I get it. But he came home once and she was drunk—not like sad, alcoholic drunk, but had been drinking with girlfriends—and they got in a fight. My dad ended up telling her that she needed to get her shit together, and that if she couldn’t, then she was in no shape to be a mother.”
“Were you...there? Did you hear all this?”
“Yeah...my dad didn’t know I was home. Actually, he didn’t know that Brooke and I were both here. He knew we were having a sleepover, but he thought we were at Brooke’s.”
“Jesus.”
“Yeah... So once he found out we were there, he got even madder. And basically, she had the choice to be better or to get out. And she got out. They weren’t married, so it was a pretty neat ending.”
“I can’t picture your father mad.”
“Me, neither, usually. But yeah. He was furious. And I get it. I think that he thinks that I resent him for it, sometimes. He’ll bring it up every once in a while, and start to apologize. I don’t think he gets that I truly understand why he was mad and that I mean it when I tell him that he’s been enough for me.”
“That sucks. But, man, I respect your dad so much for that. It’s amazing that he was so strong for you.”
I smiled proudly. “I agree. I think it all worked out just how it should.”
“I think things have a way of doing that.”
The pot of milk was steaming now. I took a couple of scoops of the chocolate and mixed it in. I stirred it, watching the brown swirl with the white.
“So where’s the movie? I can go set it up.”
“It’s upstairs in my room. When you go in it’s on your left on the bookshelf.”
“Gotcha.”
He went up the stairs, and then returned a minute later to put it in the DVD player. He changed the channel and even got the surround sound to work in about five seconds flat, which impressed me. Even though it was my house and I watched movies here all the time, I always had to crawl around for about twenty minutes trying to figure out which was the right input and how to make the surround sound work. When my dad was home, I’d sit helplessly on the flo
or and call for him and he’d do it for me.
I poured the hot chocolate into two mugs, topped them with whipped cream and cinnamon sugar and brought them over to the couch, where he was already sitting.
“It’s probably pretty hot, so let it cool for a sec.”
“You’re basically a professional barista.”
“Oh yeah.”
When he tried it, he confirmed that it was the best hot chocolate he had ever, ever had.
I was glad to find out that he wasn’t one of those people who stayed completely silent throughout an entire movie. I didn’t like watching movies with people who chatted the entire time, either, but I liked being able to comment.
I was completely comfortable with him, too. He sat with his feet on the coffee table—I had already told him that was fine, we were not the kind of house that cared about that kind of thing—and I was lying on my side. My feet were tucked in between the cushions. He got up to refill our hot chocolates once, and when he sat back down, my feet ended up against his leg. Neither of us readjusted, and so I made sure not to move.
My phone buzzed at one point, and my stomach plunged when I saw that it was Brooke.
Did you have fun sledding? Sorry I couldn’t go. Too sick :/
I started to answer, but then decided against it. If I answered and didn’t say that Aiden was here, I was avoiding the truth. I didn’t know yet if I should feel guilty about this. I didn’t even know if she would be mad about it. Either because I didn’t seem like a threat, or because there was no reason to be concerned.
“Don’t text through the ending! The ending is the best part,” said Aiden. I glanced at him, and then at the screen. I had a feeling he knew it was Brooke texting me.
I watched what happened. It was a great scene that I was suddenly having trouble appreciating, because I was stuck in my head. Because something was eating away at me. A thought that I had been pushing out of my head since the party. No, not since the party. Since it had happened, last year.
I liked him first.
I had liked him first, and she had taken him. I had always rationalized that she hadn’t taken him, that there was no chance he would have fallen for me, anyway. But lately it didn’t seem so crazy an idea.
Anything to Have You Page 10
