by David Smith
O’Mara and Romanov stared at each other and mutely nodded their agreement of Dave’s understanding of the Captain’s ability, but O’Mara still looked uneasy.
‘Commander, if we can’t get back and regain control of the ship, at some stage they might work out what’s going on and find a way to overcome it, just like you did. Or if the Magistrate is as smart as I think she is, she’ll work out there’s something going on and torture us to get the information out of us.’
O’Mara looked scared. ‘I’m not sure how strong I could be in those circumstances. I think we should self-destruct the ship. It’s the only way to be sure.’
Romanov looked horrified at the thought of destroying her ship, but she shut her mouth and Dave knew that she understood O’Mara’s logic.
Dave took a deep breath. ‘I have considered the self-destruct idea and I’m rejecting it for two reasons. Firstly, there’s a reasonable chance that the crew on ISS Tiger are identical enough to us to have the same voice patterns and authorization codes. You’ve already used your opposite numbers command code successfully on the Star-base, Aisling, remember? If it’s the case that two of their crew have the same codes as we do, they can deactivate it remotely in seconds. My second concern is that we’d either have to sacrifice the entire crew with the ship, or risk any one of them letting slip about our time-travel capability. And we’re conveniently leaving a perfect set of Tana coils in orbit over Todot Hahn for the Empire to experiment with.’
Romanov groaned ‘The Tana battleship! What a mess!’
Dave continued. ‘Our best bet is to surrender, let ourselves be taken prisoner and wait for a chance to escape. As soon as any one of us gets free, we have to work out some way to disable the sub-elementary bomb, and then see if we can either re-take or destroy Tiger and Rhino. Susan, this all depends on you. I don’t really understand how intuitive or empathic your capabilities are, but it is imperative that the Empire forces do not gain control of Tiger’s drive system.’
‘I am constrained by the primary commands built into my operating software, but rest assured I will do everything I can to forestall the use of the drive systems until someone unlocks the fake interface’ the computer replied in a tone that Dave found eerily human.
‘Thank you, Susan. Ok team, get back to position and bide your time. Good luck.’
--------------------
Dave got back to the Bridge just as Crash took Tiger down into low-orbit. Locating ISS Goldberg, he slowly drifted them into their assigned position. As he did, DuBois said quietly ‘ISS Tiger is behind us sir, no comms yet, but their shields are up and all weapons are on line. They’re expecting trouble.’
‘Well they’re in for a pleasant surprise as we’re going to play ball.’
ASBeau appeared, having transported back from Rhino and took DuBois’ place at the Tactical Station, just as Dave addressed the whole Bridge team. ‘We haven’t got time to plan any fancy tricks and the Magistrate will be wary after our escape from the Star-base. All I can tell you is that I have a vague contingency plan. I expect all senior officers to be on the lookout for opportunities to escape, and if you do, your priority is to free either myself, Romanov or O’Mara. Not all of us, just one of us. Is that understood?’
There were worried, nervous nods around the Bridge, but before anything more could be said, Shearer flagged up an incoming call from ISS Tiger, and put it on screen.
The grinning face of Emmanuel LaCroix appeared. ‘We meet again Hollins, although this time, I seem to have the upper hand.’
Dave was in no mood for brinkmanship, but took the chance to remind his opposite number who was really in charge. ‘I believe the Magistrate has ordered you to take control of this ship and transfer myself and certain members of my crew to your vessel. Would you like us to gather in one spot to make it easier for you to locate us?’
LaCroix looked uncomfortable. ‘We . . . uh . . . you may use your transporter to come cross. We will expect you in the Hangar Deck in five minutes.’ He cut the link.
ASBeau raised an eyebrow. ‘Interesting. They clearly haven’t managed to strip the haggis virus out of their Transporter System yet. That offers us a possible tactical advantage we might use in the future.’
Dave sighed. ‘On the downside, you also know what we’re going to be eating for breakfast, dinner and tea while we’re aboard that ship . . . ‘
--------------------
Dave met the rest of the captives in the Transporter Room. Mengele and Mengele arrived together and Dave noted that neither of them looked any happier than the rest of the assembled team.
Dave had called the duty Yeoman to explain the situation to the skipper, but this proved to be far more than five minutes work. Not only did Yeoman Singh arrive on the Bridge looking breathless, dishevelled and missing at least two items of uniform, trying to convey the complex issue to her was near impossible. Dave broke it down into a series of simple instructions and asked her to repeat them back to him, but she got no further than ‘I’m to go to the Captain . . . ‘ before she went blank. Dave gave up and hastily recorded an audio message on a pad and told her to pass this to the Captain as an absolute emergency.
She returned with the pad three minutes later, with an answer typical of Tiger’s Captain:
‘WTF??’
I’ll come up later.
Ps. You have the Bridge.’
Dave sighed and stood on the Transporter platform with ASBeau, O’Mara and both Mengele’s, and felt the strange prickling sensation of the transport beam.
Lights wavered and distorted around them, and they arrived in dim light in the wide open space of ISS Tiger’s Hangar Deck.
‘Doesn’t anyone in this damn universe like artificial lighting??’ grumbled ASBeau.
Suddenly, harsh spotlights came on, shining in their eyes, blinding them. Silhouetted against the lights they could make out a large number of shadows which were clearly Security man shaped, but among them was a giant that blocked out far more light than most reasonable humans would.
Israel Joynes stepped forward, cutlass in hand. ‘The skipper said I can’t kill you yet, but I’m sure killing you would be ok if you make any sort of trouble’ he stated hopefully. Worrying fresh red blood was dripping off the blade, and Dave felt absolutely no urge to make any trouble whatsoever.
They were cuffed and Joynes contacted the Bridge to let his Captain know they had the captives they needed.
--------------------
Emmanu ‘Le Bastard’ LaCroix heard the incoming call and told Shearer to put it through to the discreet circuit in his Ready Room. In the Ready-Room he donned the ancient head-set that kept his conversation with Joynes for his ears only.
His personal bodyguards, Yeomen Veira and Legg had come with him, but he was keen that they shouldn’t be privy to the entire conversation. There were some things even they didn’t need to know, and this way they wouldn’t hear Joynes’ replies.
‘Do you have all of them?’ he asked.
‘Never mind that, is their Captain with them?’
‘Then where the hell is he??’
‘You don’t need to torture them, just ask them where he is.’
‘Yes, I know you can make them talk, but I’m pretty certain if you ask them . . . ‘
‘Shut up. Ask them. Now.’
There was a pregnant pause.
‘Well take a shuttle across and drag his ass over here.’
‘No I don’t want you to shoot him.’
‘Or them.’
‘No I don’t want you to stab him either.’
‘Or them!’
LaCroix rubbed his temples. It really was a shame that Joynes was such a useful asset. Sometimes.
‘No!! No phasers, no knives and definitely no nukes!!! Mon Dieu!! Is there someone sane on the Hangar Deck I could talk to? Where’s Stavros?’
‘What do you mean you executed him?!?’
‘Just because he called you a twat doesn’t mean he was a rebel!!’
> ‘Of course you’re a twat!! That’s the third member of the crew you’ve executed this week you gibbering lunatic!!’
‘You’re confusing “security” with “stupidity”, you useless imbecile. If I wanted to thin crew numbers down, I’d start with you, because you seem to serve no purpose other than to make my job impossible! Where the hell am I supposed to get another Engineering Officer, a propulsion specialist and Deck Officer out here in the middle of god’s fucking arsehole??’
‘ENOUGH!!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP, OR SO HELP ME GOD, I’LL COME DOWN THERE AND RAM THAT BLOODY CUTLASS SO FAR UP YOUR ARSE IT’LL PART YOUR FRIGGING DREADLOCKS!!!!’
LaCroix was suddenly aware that his finger nails were digging trenches in the surface of his desk, and his half of the conversation was attracting unwelcome attention from his two attendant Yeomen. He’d always been told that the most common thing in the universe was, theoretically, hydrogen. He’d been a Captain long enough to know that in reality the most common thing in the universe was stupidity.
He took a few very long, very deep breaths before continuing.
‘Look, it’s perfectly simple. I don’t give a shit about the five prisoners you have down there, but the Magistrate does. Take them to her. When you’ve done that, focus both of your brain cells on the task I’m setting you, which is to get the other ship’s Captain over here as soon as possible. If he’s not completely, totally, 100% intact when he gets here, I will have you minced and fed to the prisoners. IS. THAT. UNDERSTOOD????’
--------------------
Hollins ducked into the Rebel’s Command Post to find Jim-Bob still huddled over the sub-space comm-set.
‘What’s up Crash?’
‘Just got a message from our contact on ISS Tiger. The Magistrate has landed some kind of super-bomb on the surface, and it appears it could destroy the entire planet. We’ve got the co-ordinates, but that’s not the interesting bit.’
‘A doomsday device on our doorstep isn’t the interesting bit???’
‘Nope. Turns out the Magistrate doesn’t even know we’re here. And she’s ignoring the fact that there are fifty thousand Imperial Marines trapped in the middle of the ocean. She’s only interested in using the Sha T’Al as hostages to capture a mystery ship. Our contact can’t give specifics, but this ship is a heavy cruiser with some kind of cloaking device that renders it untouchable. It seems the Magistrate wants that ship real bad.’
Dave thought about it. ‘An invisible heavy cruiser? Can’t say I blame her. If she can get control of that she could eliminate fleet units loyal to the Emperor and take control of the whole fleet. She could be Empress in a matter of months.’
‘Well it looks like it’s all going to plan for her. Our contact says this cruiser has surrendered rather than let Grosvenor wipe out the Sha T’Al’ said Crash scratching his head.
‘That’s not good in any way. We have to do something to tip the balance here’ said Hollins, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.
‘We need to tread real careful here, boss. There’s a lot of fire power up there we can’t handle, not to mention fifty thousand ornery marines who’ll be itching for a fight if they get the chance. We get rumbled, it’s all over’ replied Crash cautiously.
Hollins closed his eyes. ‘There’s a lot at stake here Crash. The leadership of the Empire, the ownership of the disputed zone, not to mention the lives of seventy or eighty thousand Sha T’Al? Too much to sit down and ignore. If nothing else we need to neutralize the bomb and also the Marines if we can.’
‘How in the name o’Cassie Jones are we supposed to tackle fifty thousand Marines?!? Even if they ain’t armed we couldn’t tackle that many of them!!’ squeaked Crash.
‘Saddle up two strike teams, Crash. Our man from the Star-base is on board that scout-ship with the Magistrate, and I believe he’s brought us a present.’
Chapter 17
LaCroix terminated the connection and went to the Sick-bay, which he entered, but asked his bodyguards to wait outside. Inside he found Lieutenant Chen was on duty.
'Ah, Chen, perfect. Get everything ready, Joynes is bringing a donor for that transplant procedure we discussed'
Chen was obviously nervous. 'You do realise this is a very unusual procedure Captain? One that I've never performed before? For some reason, there aren't many volunteer donors for this sort of thing?'
'Yes Chen, you've explained all that before’ sighed LaCroix.
‘I’m going to need a day or two to check my sources and make sure I have the procedure weighed off’ Chen added, clearly uncomfortable with what he was being asked to do.
Through gritted teeth, LaCroix replied ‘Chen. SHUT. UP. Now pay attention. Joynes will be bringing a donor, all you have to do is prep him, and then transplant his testicles to me. If you fuck up, the donor won't be the only one losing his bollocks. Are we clear?'
'Yes Captain' gulped Chen.
--------------------
Dave and the other prisoners were taken down to the Brig and placed in individual cells. To his surprise, both versions of Commander Mengele were incarcerated. He tried striking up a conversation, but his efforts were rewarded with another prod from the guards aptly named agoniser. He slouched in his cell. He'd talked a brave fight down in Engineering, but he really couldn't see a way out of this. All of his crew were accounted for, and he couldn't expect any help from anyone else in this bat-shit crazy universe.
He was resigned to his own fate, but couldn't stop thinking about what fate the Sha T'Al civilians on Todot Hahn might now face without Tiger's protection. Hours passed blindly under the dim unfaltering lights of the Brig, and as Dave had feared, they were faced with haggis for breakfast, dinner and tea.
They all sat in silence (apart from the churning of tortured intestines) until they'd lost track of time. Dave was aware that this was probably part of the Magistrate's usual technique for interrogations, and he wasn't too surprised when she wafted into the Brig, the staccato click of ultra-high heels marking her approach on the bare floor of the passageway. She was wearing her trade-mark leather cat-suit which left her mountainous cleavage exposed, but covered everything else like a second skin.
She stood a little while, grinning and staring at him, sizing him up before speaking. 'Well Hollins, fancy seeing you here. I have the weirdest sense of déjà vu . . . ah yes, that’s right, this is the second time I’ve outwitted you and captured your ship’ she smirked.
Dave was less than impressed. ‘Yes, I have a sense of déjà vu, too. Does your tailor not know there other natural fabrics apart from leather?’
‘Insolence won’t achieve anything, Hollins, unless you enjoy being tortured’ she snapped.
Dave shrugged. He had nothing to lose. ‘A bit touchy today are we, Magistrate? The leather chafing on some delicate parts, is it?’
‘You’re treading a dangerous path Hollins . . . ‘
‘So are you, Magistrate. If you get any further up your own arse, you’ll disappear’ grinned Dave.
Grosvenor ground here teeth, but swallowed her anger, knowing the he was deliberately goading her. ‘Fortunately for you, I can’t afford to kill you just yet. But your time will come, I assure you.’
A slight frown wrinkled her smooth brow, and she stepped back, checking the other cells. She spoke to the guards. 'Where is the prisoner LaCroix? I specifically ordered the Captain to make sure he was brought across!'
The guards looked distinctly nervous and from the way they shuffled, Dave was sure they were subconsciously protecting their nether regions. The senior guard spoke for them. 'The other LaCroix was taken directly to Sick-bay and sedated. I believe the Captain was . . . er . . . planning some kind of operation, Ma'am.'
'Oh’ she said and then said ‘OH!!’ as the implication sank in. 'The cheeky bugger!'
Dave's attention was caught by the word 'operation'.
'Operation!? What operation? What the hell are you planning??'
The Magistrate chuckled. 'The one thing that absolutely con
vinced me that you were from a different universe was that your version of LaCroix was still trying to pork a Yeoman while Commander Jervis was trying to take him prisoner.'
'But if you know Captain LaCroix, you'd know that he's a sex-addict . . . '
'Ah yes! But in this universe, he's not. At least, not now. Our Captain LaCroix is a eunuch, you see.'
'What?? How?'
'You probably don’t realise that in this universe it's quite common for Fleet officers to advance their career by assassinating their superiors. In this case, Joyne’s predecessor as First Officer aboard ISS Tiger attempted to assassinate LaCroix. He tried to kill the Captain by replacing the propellant in his shaving foam with a complex molecular acid. It was a scheme of evil genius, but the would-be assassin didn't realise which part of his anatomy the Captain gets his Yeomen to shave first. Poor Yeoman Susan Emery lost her nose, lips and chin in the same incident.'
'Ever since that day, LaCroix has been one of our finest officers. Absolutely ruthless, largely due to his pent up frustration. We lose a lot of his junior officers, but that's a small price to pay for having such a vicious bastard at our disposal. I assume the operation will be a testicle transplant. I just hope that the transplant doesn’t detract from Emanuel’s finer, more useful qualities. Anyway, I digress!' she smiled.
'I was quite happy to let you rot here for a while, but LaCroix has left Joynes and Beauregard in charge, which is chaos, as always. The Captain has told them to survey your ship and make sure everything is working, but strangely, they can't seem to get the drive systems or shields on-line. They've been over there on the Engineering Deck scratching their heads and arses for days now.’
She smiled again. ‘They're wasting their time of course. The two of them couldn't crack a peanut with a steam-roller, much less a complicated drive problem. Sadly for LaCroix they're the only option for now, as that imbecile Joynes decapitated both Romanov and Jonsen when he suspected them of being rebel sympathisers. He was wrong of course, but he's very, very quick to swing that cutlass of his. I'm going to have him executed just as soon as we can do without him. I do so hate stupidity.' She had a wistful look in her eyes as she mused 'I could do with new ear-rings, but I’m told they'd be uncomfortably heavy . . . '
