by Lane Hart
Since losing Eli, I haven’t thought about a future for myself other than being alone. There definitely hasn’t been any spark of interest in other men. Eli was always the unexpected exception to my heterosexuality. After being with him, I haven’t even been interested in getting involved with any women, either, until Alyssa. Imagining telling a woman I’m dating that I once had a relationship with a man is scary. I can’t imagine anyone would take that lightly. It’s fucked up because I can’t claim to be completely straight, yet I don’t identify as gay either. Before Eli, neither of us ever looked at other men in interest, and I haven’t since him. Being with him was just…different.
Around fourteen or fifteen I was attracted to women and jerked off to regular porn. Then once I hit my growth spurt around seventeen, I dated a few girls and slept with two of them. Hetero sex was good, great even, so it was confusing as hell my freshman year of college when Eli and I started training together at what was then Evolution. He was adorable with his curly blond hair and perpetual grin that no one could refuse. Eli had a natural charisma and was so damn funny he would have the whole gym laughing every day. I’m not sure if it was his personality or golden Adonis physique that pulled me in, but for the first time, I desired another man and started imagining myself being with him. Which was a whole ‘nother level of fucked up since he was my teammate and just a senior in high school. I was so fucking confused and even considered quitting, afraid I would get aroused while wrestling with the other guys and that they would notice and call me out. That’s when I realized it was only Eli who I wanted.
The two of us hit it off from the beginning, like we were long lost friends. So when he asked me to train with him, to be his mentor since I was older and had more experience, I agreed because I wanted to be closer to him. Even then, I had no idea how close we would eventually become, certain that my attraction was one-sided.
But then came his subtle touches and glances. It started out innocent enough, an ass slap at the end of a good practice, a lingering brush of his hand on my inner thigh when we were grappling. Sometimes I would catch him watching me when I undressed in the locker room, but then I realized I was doing the same to him, trying to catch glimpses of his naked skin, wondering what he would taste like, feel like underneath me. The whole time, though, he kept telling me about his girlfriend, Megan, and how great she was, making me so fucking confused. I was certain that while I was having these gut-deep feelings for him, I was only imagining his interest in me.
Eventually, I decided to take a chance. One that changed everything.
“So, E, I’m not going to Fairfax this year with Linc, but I’ve got the pay-per-view ordered if you wanna come over and watch it,” I told him as we stood near the front counter, guzzling from our water bottles after a three-mile run.
“The Fourth of July? Megan will probably want to do something, watch fireworks or whatever,” he said.
“Oh, well, you can bring her, and I could see if Beth is free, you know, like a double date or whatever,” I replied, trying to think off the top of my head. I hadn’t dated Beth, a girl in my English class, in weeks but thought she might go for it.
“Nah, just us is fine. I’ll drop Megan off at home after fireworks. I mean, she has an eleven o’clock curfew and the fight won’t start until late, right?” he asked.
“Ah, yeah. I’ll record the prelims, and we can watch them after Linc knocks out his opponent in the first round,” I responded, relieved Eli didn’t want to do the whole double date thing, but doubtful that anything beyond watching the fight would happen that night.
…
“Shit,” I muttered when the doorbell rang on the Fourth and I…panicked. God, why am I acting so stupid? I’ve had teammates come over and hang out plenty of times, so it’s no biggie to have Eli over. But then, I had never had this strange attraction to the other guys…
“Hey,” I said, sounding out of breath when I opened the door in nothing but gray sweatpants. I mean, it’s not like he hasn’t seen me without a shirt on before, and it’s late. This is what I sleep in.
“Damn, Big Red,” Eli muttered, his eyes on the crotch of my thin pants.
I thought for sure he was gonna turn around and bolt right then, especially when my dick started swelling under his gaze.
Wait, what did he call me?
“Big Red?” I asked in confusion.
“Yeah,” Eli replied, his humor-filled blue eyes finally rising back up to mine. “Looks like you’re packing a fucking redwood in those sweats.”
My shoulders relaxed, realizing he was fucking with me and maybe even complimenting me, flirting with me?
“It’s not that big,” I said while slipping my hand underneath the waistband and fisting my cock, knowing I was flashing him an eyeful. “I mean, it’s only half hard right now.”
Slamming his palms against my chest, Eli backed me into my apartment so he could close the door behind him.
“Let me see it…all of it,” he said, his chest rising and falling heavily, his eyelids lowered while he stared at my hand still down in my pants. That’s the moment I was certain that he wanted me, and, God, I was relieved, because for some reason I needed him.
“Get on your knees,” I ordered. And fuck me, he did it. Eli dropped to his knees without batting an eye. Seeing him kneeling, licking his lips, eager for my cock had me so fucking hard I couldn’t think of anything but getting in his mouth.
Without another word, I pushed my drawstring pants down until they pooled at my ankles. Then he was on me, grabbing my dick and swallowing it like he was a starving man, his blue eyes looking up, gauging my reaction the whole time. It was the vulnerability and desperate enthusiasm to please me in those eyes that nearly had me coming in seconds.
When I couldn’t take anymore, I yanked him up off the ground and crushed my lips to his, groaning around his tongue thrusting frantically in and out of my mouth.
I had never kissed a man before then and had never really thought much about what it would be like, but it was fucking amazing. And I knew then that I would never be able to stop.
That was the first of many nights Eli slept over. We didn’t watch Linc’s fight until the next morning.
Even after five months, no one, not our family, teammates or even his girlfriend knew what we did together when we were alone. And, God, it was good. Since we were roughly the same size, sex was usually a competition of sorts. We went at it like a fight or a wrestling match, only naked, with the first one to submit bottoming that round.
The worst part was the mornings when he would leave, which meant pretending until the next night he could stay. Since it was his senior year of high school, that only happened on the weekends. So for five days, we would only see each other at the gym where we had to be extra careful in the way we looked at each other or touched, constantly worrying that everyone around us could tell that we were fucking.
That’s why I snapped the afternoon of his birthday. I was tired of having to put on the act, and I thought Eli may never actually agree to us really being together.
“So, what do you wanna do tonight to celebrate? Hit up a club now that you’re official? We could go to that bar you were talking about, what was it? Chemistry?” I asked Eli as we start to dress in the gym’s locker room after our showers.
“Man, Nate, I’m sorry, but I can’t tonight,” he said, his blue eyes avoiding mine.
“Why not? Celebrating your birthday with your parents? We could go out afterward,” I told him.
“No, um, I promised Megan –”
“Jesus fucking Christ! Are you kidding me?” I exploded.
“I’m gonna break things off, but I can’t just spring it on her! We’ve been together for two and a half years. She thinks we’re gonna go to college, get married and have a family together.”
Before I even thought about it, I gripped a handful of Eli’s shirt and had his back slammed against the lockers. “Are you still fucking her too?” I asked. Even in my anger, I knew to
keep my voice down in here where our teammates were always wandering in and out.
“No,” he answered grabbing onto my biceps but not pushing me away. “We were…waiting, and she still is…”
I was beyond shocked by his answer because, while we had been sneaking around together for five months, I assumed that he was still fucking his girlfriend, at least in the beginning. Honestly, I didn’t want to ask sooner because I didn’t want to know the answer. To find out he’s never been with her was surprising, but I was still pissed that he wouldn’t end things with her, insisting on keeping her around, using her to continue hiding behind the lie.
“How long are you gonna keep pretending, E? Because I’m so fucking tired of lying to myself and everyone else,” I told him, my chest aching with the thought of the two shitty choices - come out and have everyone shun me, or keep living what feels like a half-life. I knew what was going on between us was more than physical. Eli was my soulmate, and I couldn’t imagine my life without him. Knowing he wouldn’t choose between me and his girlfriend made me fucking crazy, and I constantly worried that one day he would decide she was the easier choice.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “But I don’t want to lose my family, my friends, my chance at IFC. I…I just don’t know if it’s worth it.”
“You mean you don’t think that I’m worth it,” I said when I dropped my hands from him. “Well, fuck you. I was ready to risk losing all of that for us. But I’m done. Starting tonight, no more hiding. So go enjoy your birthday with your girlfriend and make your parents happy.”
I hate replaying those harsh words I said to him. Thankfully they weren’t the last ones we ever said, but still, I was an asshole. It had hurt when he said he didn’t want to spend his birthday with me, and I lashed out.
If I had just kept my mouth shut, Eli would have taken out his girlfriend that night and would probably still be alive. Maybe he would have eventually picked between me and the lie. I’d rather have the heartache of seeing him married with kids than the heartbreak knowing he completely lost out on any sort of future because of me.
Later that night, while I was sitting alone in Chemistry getting drunk off my ass thanks to the bartender not asking for my ID, Eli walked in and sat down on the stool beside me at the bar.
“What…what are you doing here?” I asked when I looked up and saw him. “How didja know I was here?”
“You were right. I thought about what you said, and tomorrow I’m gonna tell them all the truth.”
“Seriously?” I asked in surprise.
“Yeah,” he said with a smile and reached over to rub his palm up my jean-covered thigh. “I love being with you, Big Red, so I’m gonna stay here and go to school instead of Clemson. If you let me, I want to move in with you after I graduate in a few weeks, for us to really be together.”
“Are you fucking with me, E? Because I’ve had like flive or slick shots, so there are two of you sitting next to me. And some dude’s over there staring at us like he wants us to make him a sandwich, if you know what I mean,” I told Eli, flashing the old man with a beard a wink, only vaguely realizing I was slurring my words. My twenty-first birthday was still a few months away, but everyone has always thought I looked older than I am.
“I’m not fucking with you,” Eli replied with a chuckle. “But you’re drunk, so why don’t we get you home and we can talk about this in the morning?”
“Kiss me,” I ordered him when he stood up from his stool to leave. “In here, in front of…people.”
Jerking my Wildcats hat off, Eli put it on his head, wearing it backward so he could lean forward and press his lips to mine. In public. With witnesses. He didn’t make it a chaste kiss either. He tongue fucked the hell out of me for I dunno how long, right there in the bar.
“Let’s go,” he said when he finally pulled away, breathless. “I’ll drive, and we can come get your truck before I go to school in the morning.”
“You’re gonna stay with me tonight?” I asked in surprise since it was a school night.
“It’s my birthday,” he said with a grin.
“Okay, good. Let me go take a piss first,” I said as I started to walk off down the hall. “On second thought, you should come too.” Grabbing Eli’s arm, I propelled him in the right direction, before remembering I could hold his hand here. So I reached down and intertwined our fingers for the first time in public.
I gave Eli a really great birthday blowjob in one of the stalls, and then we got into his truck and left the bar.
A few minutes later, I was holding his lifeless body, drenched in his blood and wondering how the hell I was gonna live without him.
Chapter Seven
Nate
The next day I’m still in a somber mood remembering the past when Alyssa shows up at Havoc just a few minutes before one o’clock. Just seeing her has the gray clouds parting for a ray of sunshine.
Wearing jeans that perfectly hug her curvy ass and a blue tee that’s snug over her tits, it takes all my self-control not to pick her up and ravage her on my desk. Ah, hell, and now my cock's hard.
"You ready?" she asks, drawing my eyes to her plump lips. I can't forget the way she tasted, like cinnamon. Big Red, how ironic.
"God, yes, kitten. I’m so ready," I say the words way more eagerly than I'd intended, thinking about how ready I am to get my hand down the back of her pants. Or up her shirt. Shit. I haven't jerked off since the first day we met. That buildup of a release is biting me in the ass now. Oh, I really want to bite her ass.
Fuck.
I shift in my seat, but it does nothing to relieve the swelling between my legs.
“Well, should we get going?” she asks, walking toward the door.
I jump up and go around my desk to close it instead, resting my back against it. Alyssa's eyes widen and her lips part, but she doesn’t say anything when I block her exit.
"Can I see you again one night this week or this weekend?" I ask, practically panting at the thought of getting naked with her. After Eli, and how good sex was with him, I wasn’t sure if I would ever want to be with a woman again. But now, with Alyssa, that’s a fuck yes, pretty please with a big ass cherry on top.
"Yeah, I'll see you Tuesday and Thursday for Grayson's intro classes, right?" she asks, avoiding my eyes.
"Alyssa?" I say, waiting for her to look at me. "You know I was asking if you and I could go out on a real date, one that doesn’t involve games maybe."
"I’m sorry, Nathan. I considered canceling our lunch, but I didn’t have your number.”
“Why?” I ask.
“Because I don't think this is a good idea," she says with a shake of her head. The move swishes her long, coffee-colored waves, making me want to run my fingers through it.
I'm not bothered by her rejection. In fact, I had even expected her to say something along those lines. I'm not giving up that easily, though.
"Why not?" I ask. She opens and closes her mouth, searching for words before finally speaking.
"I can't date."
"You did last night," I quickly point out. “And you asked me out, remember?”
"That was a one-time deal. Yeah, I had fun with you, but it's too soon, and...and Grayson doesn't need to see men come and go or think they're trying to take his father's place."
"Uh-huh," I say since it's all BS. Of course, I know where she's coming from and can't imagine how tough things have been since losing her husband and Grayson's father. But when we kissed last night, none of those things mattered. If they did, she wouldn't have let me do it. And while I fucking dread having to own up to my past with her, that kiss was too fucking perfect not to have an encore.
"So, um, thanks for last night but it’s probably best if we skip lunch, and I get going," she murmurs.
"Sure," I agree. "But if you want to leave, you'll have to kiss me first."
"What?" she scoffs. "That's not...I can't..."
"You can, and you did last night. So if what you're saying about not b
eing able to date me is true, then prove it. Kiss me goodbye like it’s no big deal, walk away, and I promise not to pursue you while Grayson takes classes."
"You're crazy," she laughs and covers her face with both palms. "Just let me go."
I don't respond, standing and waiting until she realizes I'm serious or comes out and says she actually doesn't want to kiss me.
"Fine!" she exclaims. "I can't believe you're doing this." She finally gives in, closing the distance between us until her tits are unnecessarily pressed against my chest. That's when I know I have her, before she even stands on the toes of her boots, before those turquoise eyes meet my green ones and before she grips both of my shoulders and places her cinnamon lips against mine. Once. Twice. Three times. Sold!
"Stop smiling," she says against my lips.
"Stop kissing me," I tease, but then she slips her tongue into my mouth, cutting off any other words.
Knowing I won, I finally wrap my arms around her and pull her against me. One hand on her back lowers until I'm cupping her incredible ass. Our kiss grows urgent, desperate even as she winds her arms around my neck and I grind her lower body into mine. It's like neither of us can get close enough. Not until all of our clothes are off and she's underneath me. God, I want her under me.
Pushing off the door, I carry her to my desk and sit her on top of it without breaking our kiss. My cock strains against my jeans as I wedge my hips between her legs that I can’t resist rutting against until there's a loud crunching sound. Before I can figure out what it is, Alyssa and I are crashing to the floor.
We broke the goddamn desk.
"Are you okay?" I ask Alyssa, who ends up good and pinned underneath me. Her eyes are closed, and I start to worry that she might've busted her head. But then she smiles, and the first of the giggles escape her lips.
If the shredded desk wasn't enough of a pain in the ass, my door, which doesn't have a lock (but you can bet your ass it will before the end of the day), flies open so hard it smacks the wall.
