by Marie James
“FUCK!” I yell again and bang my fists against the tile of the shower. I’m doing my best to calm down. I lower my head and let the now hot water pound over my neck and down my back, the heat stinging where Alexa’s nails had apparently scored me. The image of her gripping my back while I slowly fucked her tonight makes my cock twitch.
I punch the wall again, the pain barely registering in my knuckles. Who am I kidding? Fucked? I made love to that woman tonight like it was the first and the last time I’d ever have her in my arms. I didn’t plan it that way. I was in the moment, like it was what we both needed at the time. It’s what felt right.
Thoughts of never seeing her again makes my heart race. The unsolicited memory of her words sends chills down my spine. Knowing I may never hear her say them again almost destroys me. Where that came from I’ve no idea.
I slide down the wall of the shower, my arms resting on my bent knees, head hung between my arms. I’m a coward for not going back in the bedroom to face her. I’d have no idea what to say to her.
I let my mind run through all the events of the past few weeks. There’s no denying I care for this woman, but that’s how it starts right? Give her a little and she demands more. Takes more, until I’m left broken. Again.
She’s not Jamie. She’s nothing like Jamie. She’s not demanded anything more from than hot sex and orgasms. There’s been no suggestive motives that even hinted that she wanted more from me. Her words tonight were merely a declaration of her feelings, and I acted like a fucking asshole. I stormed out, pissed, with no explanation why.
Do I think she wants more? Of course. She’s a woman; a magnificent woman who deserves more, but can I be the one to give more to her? The thought that I may not be able to give her everything she deserves strikes me, then the knowledge that even though I may not be able to, I sure as hell wanted to try hits me in the chest like a brick.
What the fuck have I done?
I race to my feet, grab a towel and wrap it around my waist. I storm out of the bathroom with more force and determination than I entered it earlier. I swipe my gaze to the bed, empty. I make my way across the apartment, finding no trace of her. If it wasn’t for the dinner plates still on the table waiting to be dealt with I’d think tonight never happened. I wish that were the case. I wanted a do over, a chance to respond how I should have the first time.
Would I have said it back? Probably not. I would’ve let her kiss me rather than bolting out of bed. Do I love her? I don’t think I do. Could I love her? Yes, eventually with every piece of my ruined heart that still has life in it.
I rush back to my bed room and dress hastily in jeans and a t-shirt. I don’t even bother with socks as I slide my still damp feet into a pair of running shoes. I have to go to her and make this better. I can’t have her ending the night after saying something like that this way. I know she may reject me after the way I treated her. I know I’m going to have to explain to her why I’ve lived my life the way I have for more than the past decade. I hope it’ll help her to understand my reaction.
Reaching for keys and cell phone on the breakfast bar I find a scribbled note under them.
It’s best we don’t see each other anymore.
I’ll do my best to keep things from being weird
when we have to see each other socially. ~Alexa
The tear stains, smudging the ink in places cause my heart to clench. I grab my keys, phone, and head to the door.
I can’t help but punch the wall again as I leave my apartment. Like hell I’ll let this be over with her. I know I was an asshole but she doesn’t get to end things like this.
My driving speed is less than safe but even in my haste it still takes longer than it should due to some bullshit detour from the quickest route, but when the road is blocked off and police are redirecting traffic you kind of have to obey.
My truck’s barely in park before I’m swinging the door open and jumping out. As soon as my feet hit the ground, I’m hit with a wave of nervousness. Do I want to do this? My life could just go back to normal. I could pretend she never happened. This situation would be complicated and would require loads of work to repair if she was even amenable to me.
My phone rings and it’s the perfect distraction I need right now to think things through a little more before I barge in on her and demand she…what?...take me back? I shake my head to attempt to clear it and swipe the phone to answer it. Ian’s name was on the screen.
“Hey, man.” I sigh into the phone.
“Garrett, where are you?” Fuck I can’t get into this right now.
“I’m heading in to go talk to a friend. What’s up?” I lean against my truck and rub at my eyes with my hand.
“You need to get to Denver Regional, man.” He tells me.
“What for? What the hell is going on, Ian?” My heart is pounding. I know something has had to have happened to my dad. Another heart attack maybe?
“It’s Alexa.” I gasp. “She’s been shot and it’s bad man.” What the fuck?!?
“Shot? I’m outside of her apartment, Ian. She just left my place less than an hour ago. No way it’s her, man.” My heart tells me it’s not possible but my brain, knows he wouldn’t call unless he was sure. My brain, although unthinking, is controlling my body and thankfully it’s moving me into the driver’s seat and backing out of the parking garage.
“What happened?” I’m able to finally whisper as my truck syncs up sending our conversation over the speaker system, allowing me to have two hands on the steering wheel.
“She was at the Bottle Shop a few blocks from her apartment. Lorali says she goes there to buy wine.” I can hear him pull the phone away from his ear and do his best to console Lorali who’s crying in the background. “Someone went in to buy something and found her shot and the store clerk dead. That’s all we know. How far out are you?”
“I’m still about ten minutes away. Where are you guys?” I ask so I know where to go once I park.
“Emergency room. I’ll wait outside for you.” I hang up on him before acknowledging his last statement.
A short while later, I pull up outside of the emergency room and although I do technically park illegally I’m cognizant enough to not leave my truck somewhere that would interfere with people getting emergency services.
Just as he promised, Ian’s waiting outside of the emergency room entrance. He slaps me on the back as I slow my pace but don’t stop completely on the way in.
I let him lead me to the waiting area where I see Josie and Lorali embracing, and rocking each other through sobs. The sight is absolutely gut wrenching and I almost lose it; the desire to punch something so I don’t breakdown is heavy in my chest. My hands are trembling and I clench my fists to try to stop it as I pace around in circles trying my best to calm down.
If I hadn’t acted the way I did earlier we’d be in bed right now in the middle of round two no doubt. I can’t lose her; she can’t die not knowing how I actually feel.
I hear a throat clear and raise my eyes to see a doctor standing near Lorali.
“I need to speak with the family of Alexa Warner.” He states looking between all of us.
Lorali stands on shaky legs. “I’m her emergency contact. We’re not blood, but she doesn’t have any other family.” Lorali looks around motioning to all of us standing here. “We’re her family. We’re all she’s got.”
He nods like it’s common place for people to come in to the emergency room and not have blood relatives here.
She doesn’t have any family? How did I not know that?
The doctor fills Lorali in on what’s going on and I only grab bits and pieces of what he’s saying; the pounding roar of the pulse in my ears prevent me from catching every word.
Shot in the back.
Left for Dead.
Perforated bowel.
Emergency surgery.
Left. For. Dead.
I hear nothing else after that as I fall heavily into one of the waiting room chai
rs.
Chapter 28
Garrett
I can’t sit still and wait for the doctors to come out and tell me that my girl is dead. My girl? She probably hates me. I stand and walk out of the emergency room. This is one of those times I wished I smoked so I would have something to do with my hands.
I lean against the wall just outside of the automatic doors. I feel Ian position himself beside me.
“What if she doesn’t make it?” I mutter to him without even looking his way.
“You can’t think like that, Garrett,” he answers in a comforting voice.
“Left for dead.” I repeat the doctor’s words. “She was shot and fucking just left there like trash!” My anger is boiling over and I know I’m seconds away from destructive actions. “You said the clerk died?” I look towards him for confirmation.
He shakes his head. “That’s all we know.”
“She told me she loved me tonight.” I blurt out.
“Fuck.” He mutters quietly.
“Yeah.” I raise my head up, eyes closed and pray to a God whom I haven’t talked to in way too long to keep her safe and make sure she makes it out of this alive.
“How did that go over?” He implores gently even though I know he can tell by the situation just how things ended up.
“I didn’t take it very well,” I struggle to admit. “I left her in the bed, went into the bathroom to work shit out in my head. Once I realized what I did was a total dick move, I went back out to talk to her. She was already gone.”
I pinch the bridge of my nose, trying to fight the burn from the tears that want to fall; my sinuses burning from the effort.
“What were you at her apartment for?”
“Fuck, man.” I look over at him. “I was going to tell her I’m sorry and that…” I can’t even finish as a sob escapes my lips.
Ian doesn’t say a word; he just rests his hand on my back in support. I crouch down against the wall and hang my head, unable to stop the tears and the sobs that wrack my body. It seems like days before I’m able to get control over myself. Once I gave into the emotions they were all I knew.
Finally I’m able to stand and I wipe my eyes with the bottom of my shirt.
“You love her.” It’s not a question but rather a statement.
I’m not able to deny it even to myself anymore, no sense in lying to him. My feelings are rather transparent at this point.
“Yeah, man. I do.” I wipe another set of tears that have escaped with the back of my hand. “I mean I didn’t know it until I was hit with the fact that I may never see her again. Never hear her voice.”
I have to cough to keep another wave of sobs from escaping. The thought of her dying before I can tell her I love her back is unbearable. My eyes are closed, but I feel Ian shift away from the wall. Opening my eyes I see a vaguely familiar man walking towards us.
Ian holds his hand out to receive his, “Kaleb.” Ah, yes. The drug detective from Denver PD. “You remember my cousin Garrett Hale.”
Ian releases his hand and Kaleb reaches for mine. I shake Kaleb’s hand out of courtesy, but I’m in no mood to be cordial tonight.
“What brings you to the hospital this late?” We both look at him as he gives us a knowing look.
“Alexa?” I question. “Don’t you work narcotics?”
“I do.” He answers. “We were able to pull the video surveillance from the liquor store where Alexa was shot. The suspect did nothing to hide his face. He was so high on meth; he couldn’t care less if people knew who he was.”
I shift away from the wall, my full attention on the cop about to tell us who the fucker was that shot her. I’d kill him after I tracked him down.
“He was a confidential informant of mine at one time.” He pauses, not providing the name. Smart man.
“What’s the PD doing to catch him?” I persist with annoyance. Why the hell is he here if they know who did it.
“Caught.” He states.
“Excuse me?” I urge, slightly confused.
“We’ve already caught him.” He replies without celebration. A man’s still dead and another woman is in the hospital fighting through surgery is enough reason to not have cause to celebrate. I like this guy already!
“Where?” I question quietly, my body trying to calm down from the surge of adrenaline that was beginning to bubble at the idea of finding him and ripping him to shreds.
“At home, passed out, with a needle still in his arm. Seems he got the money from the store, went straight to the dealer, and then back home to get high.” He shakes his head. “Any word on how she’s doing?”
I’m not able to give him many details, thankfully Ian steps up and takes this one.
“Doctor came out about,” he looks down at his watch, “an hour ago. Said she was shot in the back, bullet hit a few spots in her intestines. They were having to do exploratory surgery to find all the fragments. He says her vitals are strong and they should only be another few hours. Prognosis looks good.”
Well, fuck. I missed the part about her vitals staying strong. A wave of hope washes over me.
“I just came by to check on her. We have video surveillance but I still have to get a statement from her at some point. I’m gonna leave you guys to it.” He looks over at Ian. “Can you shoot me a text when she wakes up and feels like talking to me?”
“Sure thing,” Ian shakes his hand first and then I do. This time I’m sincere. I’m grateful the police caught this fucker, because I know I wouldn’t rest until either they did or I tracked him down myself. A part of me still regrets that they got to him first.
We watch Kaleb walk back towards the parking lot in silence. I’m completely drained, emotionally and physically. I can’t help but think how things would be totally different had I not flipped out when she told me she loved me. The regret sits in my stomach like a brick.
“You ready to go back in?” Ian inquires, as he looks back down at his watch. “Hopefully we haven’t missed an update.”
The thought of something happening while we’re outside and missing it sets me into motion. I push off of the wall and begin walking back through the doors. “I appreciate you, man but Lorali needs you right now.”
Once we make it back in to the emergency room waiting area, Ian goes straight to Lorali and wraps her in a hug. She seems calmer with him around. I hear him ask if there’s been another update and she shakes her head no.
I settle into a seat across the room from the trio, feeling the need to keep to myself. I feel like an interloper watching the women that are more like sisters than friends. I’m ashamed of how I’ve treated Alexa and I’m not sure how they feel about me being here. No doubt they wouldn’t want me here if they knew the details about what happened before she was shot.
I want to storm the operating room and demand answers, but I own no real estate in her life. Hell, now that I think about it she could’ve just muttered those words because she was in the moment and had no actual feelings behind them. Wouldn’t I be the poor sappy motherfucker if she said them and there was no actual truth behind them?
Fuck! Now I don’t know what to think, how to act, which makes me even more of a piece of shit for responding the way I did without talking things out with her.
Before I can get deeper in my head the doors leading to the ‘Staff Only’ area of the hospital swing open. The doctor from earlier comes out and walks over to Lorali. We all jump up, giving him all of our attention, and wait for him to speak.
“She’s out of surgery,” he informs Lorali. “Things went very well. She’ll be in ICU for a day or so, but she should have a full recovery.” We all exhale a collective sigh of relief.
“Can we see her?” Lorali beseeches timidly. I know she’s thinking what I’m thinking. They’ll only let family see her and technically none of us are family.
The doctor cuts his eyes towards Ian and then responds, “They’re still getting her settled, but in about thirty minutes you guys can go back two at
a time.”
Lorali nods her head in acknowledgement and I can’t help but be grateful to Ian. I know he had to have worked something out with the hospital for us to be able to break the regulations to see her. This favor may have very well cost him millions in the form of a hefty donation to the hospital. A price I’m sure he’d pay ten times over for Lorali to be able to sit with her best friend. He beat me to the punch because I’d give every penny I have to be able to see her.
The doctor leaves us and we head across the hospital to the ICU waiting area. I settle in one of the hard plastic chairs, wondering if I’ll even get to see her at all.
“Garrett?” I hear Lorali say just a short while later.
I raise my head and see her standing near the door leading back to the area where Alexa is. “You coming?” She prods, tilting her head to the door.
My eyes dart over to Josie. I surely thought they’d be the ones heading back first. Josie’s eyes are blood shot and swollen from crying, but she has a small smile on her face and is giving me a slow nod, telling me I should go first.
Before my eyes can sweep back over to Lorali, they land on Ian. He just inclines his head towards Lorali and the door that separates me from Alexa. “Go see your girl, Garrett.” I wonder if he told Lorali about my declaration outside, and if that’s what it took so I could see her, I’d tell everyone I saw.
It takes all the strength I have to get up calmly and not rush the ICU department getting to her. Somehow I manage to get up and walk calmly with Lorali. A short squat nurse leads us to the small room where Alexa rests. Lorali goes straight to her; I can only manage to hover in the doorway.
She’s beautiful. I was expecting tubes and a tangle of wires but other than an IV and the machine that registers her heart rate and the blood pressure machine, she looks like she’s taking a nap. The seaweed colored cover is pulled up to her chest and her arms are resting by her side.
I step in once I see Lorali struggling to pull the lone chair away from the wall towards the bed so she can sit. I move the chair for her and back away again as she reaches down and clasps Alexa’s hand, a low sob escaping her lips.
