I frown, my eyes on the table where she’s just put the now iced cinnamon rolls and the eggs. I go to the cupboard and gather plates, silverware, and cups to bring to the table, unsure of what I can even say to defend my recent behavior. She’s not wrong. A different girl each night. Because I know I can’t have Chloe, and Pippa’s gone and what’s the point of being good? I brace my hands on the counter and hang my head, ashamed. Is this really what I’ve become? A moment later, Chloe comes up behind me and lays a hand on my back.
I turn and pull her into my arms, hugging her close. “I’m a mess,” I say into her hair.
She pulls back to look up at me, her emerald eyes shining. “Maybe right now, but only you can change it.” She’s so sincere it hurts to see her hope for me just oozing out of her. I trail my knuckles over her cheekbone, and she swallows, licks her lips.
I don’t think about how she deserves better than me. I don’t analyze my motives or how she might react. I do what I’ve been doing for the last month or so, I simply follow my desire. I lean down, watching as Chloe’s eyes grow wider, wary as I get closer. I claim her mouth in a heated kiss and her body stiffens in my arms. Nothing like the last time I kissed her when she melted against me. She wrenches her mouth from mine, pushing against my chest to get me to let her go.
“Stop!” She orders finally when I’m too slow to do so. I expect to see anger, or maybe even disgust. But I see hurt there and I feel lower than ever before. She steps back from me and crosses her arms over her chest. I can see that she’s shaking. Without thinking twice, I step towards her, but she holds up her hand to halt me.
“I’m sorry.” I start but she speaks over me.
“Don’t. You’re not sorry. You didn’t even think about what would happen if you kissed me and you’re not drunk. It’s not like before. You look at me as just another groupie? I matter that little to you that you’d throw our friendship away for whatever pleasure you could take from an afternoon tryst? You’d give me up?” Her voice is shaking, her green eyes full of tears and I’ve never been so ashamed of myself. She shakes her head at me, her voice stronger now. “I’m not your groupie. I’m supposed to matter more to you than that girl who slunk out of here earlier whose name you don’t know.”
She swipes her hands across her cheeks, angrily dashing away tears and I’ve never felt worse. Not until she walks out of my house without once looking back at me that is.
Chapter 7
Chloe
I leave Raif’s and make my way to the cemetery at the edge of town. I’m still bawling which pisses me off. I hate crying. It’s a waste of time, won’t change anything. I learned that at a young age. I want to go home and hide in my bed. But I’d pass at least twenty people and have to socialize before I could escape. And then there would be talk. At least if someone sees me here with tears on my face, it will be easier to explain.
I park and make my way to my grandparents’ graves. A single gravestone with both their names on it adorns the graves. Fresh pain pierces my heart. I miss them both so much. I feel so alone. I flop down on the ground facing the stone, heedless of the skirt I’m wearing. I pull my knees up and rest my chin on them and let myself cry. I miss my grandparents, yes, but mostly I miss Raif as he was before Pippa walked out on him. I miss my best friend, the Raif who didn’t cross the boundaries of friendship and give me emotional whiplash.
Yes, I’ve been in love with him for as long as I can remember, but I never acted on it and he never behaved as anything but a friend. There was none of this kissing and borderline dirty dancing. No weird, long looks where he seems to be contemplating gobbling me up. I don’t know what to think or feel. Especially since Raif’s become so promiscuous. I don’t want to be another notch on his bedpost. Just another girl he can fuck and forget about it. I can’t ease the hurt in my chest at the thought that I’m disposable to him. One more person who has decided that they don’t need me around.
I don’t know how long I sit there letting it all out, soaking the front of my skirt with my tears but when I calm down, I realize I’m not alone anymore. I turn and find Luke sitting there, looking off into the distance. “Luke Benson, you’re going to give me a heart attack one of these days.” I’d sound more intimidating if my voice wasn’t thick with tears.
He’s sitting on the ground next to me, mimicking my pose. “Sorry, sweet tart. I didn’t want to disturb you.” He wraps a strong arm around my shoulders and pulls me into his chest. “Tell me all about it, honey. What’s going on?”
I allow myself to accept the comfort he’s offering, leaning into him and snuggling into his hug. “Bad day.” I say, not untruthfully.
He hums a bit, rubbing my back. “Funnily enough, I gathered that much all by myself. I followed you here from Raif’s. What’d he do?”
There’s an edge of barely concealed anger in his words and I look up at him. I forget how protective he still is of me sometimes.
“It’s fine, Luke. Promise. It’ll be fine. He’s just self-destructing, and I can’t stand it.” That’s not quite a lie. I won’t be responsible for dissention among the band. Raif needs his friends, regardless of what I might be feeling at the moment. “I took the day off special to help him with a song and he forgot. He was too drunk from last night and had to kick the latest girl out of his bed. It would have been smarter for me to go right back home. But you know me, I have to try and help.” I sigh.
Luke’s still rubbing my back, his cheek resting against my head as he holds me. “I’m sorry, Chloe. I’ve been considering giving him the come to Jesus talk, but wasn’t sure we’d hit that point yet. I probably should have sat him down a week ago.”
I reach up and pat his cheek. “It’s not your fault. He’s an adult behaving badly. We can’t make him snap out of it. We just have to tolerate him while he works this out and hope we’ll still want to be friends with him when he’s done.”
Luke chuckles. “Truer words were never spoken,” he murmurs into my hair. He squeezes me tight. He’s always made me feel loved, wanted. It’s really a shame I could never make myself fall in love with him. He’s a wonderful man and he’s always been good to me. Even after I broke his heart in high school.
“Thank you for following me.” I say, glad to have his comforting arms holding me.
“You know I’d do pretty much anything for you, love.” He responds, his tone light, but I can feel the sincerity ringing in every word.
I turn in the circle of his arms, so I can see his eyes. “I don’t deserve you.” He shakes his head before I’ve finished the sentence.
“No, sweet tart. You deserve better. You deserve everything, but for some reason, you just don’t see it. When are you gonna go looking for something good for yourself instead of looking out for everyone else?”
“I don’t know,” I tell him honestly. “I don’t know if I know how.”
“Well, if you ever want my help figuring it out, you let me know.” He drops a kiss on the top of my head and tucks me back into his embrace. And there we stay, sitting in companionable silence until the sun goes down.
The next day I go through the motions of my life. I go to work, I talk and joke with Zora and Lacey, the other Saloon waitress. I argue with Odetta about who the best female country singer ever is. Tammy Wynette according to her, Loretta Lynn in my opinion. I put on a decent show. Inside, I feel hollowed out. I’ve ignored more than a dozen calls from Raif. I’m sure his apologies are heartfelt and sincere, but I simply don’t want to hear them. Not right now.
Luke was right about me. I’ve never sought out happiness for myself. I never thought that was even a possibility. But maybe it’s time I start. And maybe the only way I can do that is to force myself to get over Raif Montgomery before he decimates my heart without even trying to.
I’m sequestered in the office around dinner time when there’s a knock at the door and I know in my gut who’s on the other side before he speaks.
“Chloe Jane? Can I come in, please?” I sigh and drop
my head in my hands.
“Go away, Raif. I don’t want to see you right now.”
Of course, he ignores this and ducks inside the office instead. He closes the door behind him and leans against it, studying me. He looks haggard, his beard unkempt, his golden hair disheveled. His normally bright eyes are bloodshot with purple circles underneath. My traitorous heart weakens at the sight of him looking so downtrodden. I try and steel myself against it, but I fail.
“Damn it, Raif, I said no. Why am I having to repeat that word to you so much lately?” I ask waspishly.
He flinches like I hit him and my resolve to be cool to him crumbles. “I’m sorry, Chloe. I had to apologize. I know you’re mad and you’ve every right to. I never should have been pawing at you like that, I never should have let you think for even a second that I’d throw our friendship away. Not for anything would I let you walk out of my life. You have to know that.” He sounds desperate, talking so fast his words are tripping over each other to get out and be heard.
Frowning, I sit back in my chair and cross my arms protectively over my chest. I have to be tough on him right now. I have to stand up for myself or nothing in my life is ever going to get better. “No, Raif. I didn’t know that. I can’t read your mind, you know. I don’t know what’s been going on in your head these last few weeks.”
He crosses to me in a few strides and leans over the desk, his hands braced on either side of the desk calendar, staring directly in my eyes. “Don’t give up on me now, Chloe. Please?” He swallows, and I watch his throat work, watch as he fights to get himself under control. “I cannot lose you. I know I’ve been an ass and I’ve never deserved to have you in my life, but I’m begging you. Give me a chance to make this up to you.”
I search his eyes and sigh, the last of my anger at him blowing away at the pain I see there. “Stop it,” I say softly. “Just…don’t. You don’t have to make anything up to me, and I’m not saying you don’t deserve my friendship. I just need you to think about your actions. You are my best friend, Raif.” I get choked up, have to stop to send the dratted tears back down my throat. “If you ever kiss me again, it better not be because you’re a mess. I’m not a backup plan. I’m not someone you can use and toss aside. I won’t let you do that to me, no matter how I feel.”
His sea colored eyes hook on mine, widening at my words. He studies my face closely. “I promise you I never thought you were a backup plan, Chloe Jane. Never.”
I nod at him. “Okay—” There’s another knock on the office door and Raif’s face falls. I swallow, glad for the reprieve from this fraught encounter. I said what I had to, now I’d be okay if Raif left so I could take a breath and get my heart out of my stomach. “Come on in.” I say, grateful to whoever’s on the other side of the door.
Luke’s dark head pokes in, a smile on his face until he sees Raif and then storm clouds roll through his dark blue eyes. I smile wide at him and he returns it. “Hello, Luke. To what do I owe this pleasure?”
He holds up a Tupperware container and winks at me. Looks like he’s going to ignore Raif’s presence. “Hello, sweet tart. Mom made homemade strawberry shortcakes today and I thought of you.”
I clap my hands excitedly. “Oh, yay. With her homemade whipped cream on them?” He grins at me, his eyes twinkling down at me.
“Yes, with her homemade whipped cream and the melt-in-your-mouth shortcakes that you love.”
I grin at him as he offers the container to me. “You are my very favorite person right now, Luke Benson. Thank you.” I tell him, and he chuckles.
“You are welcome.” He drawls, his full lips tilted up. I get up and he grabs me in a tight hug. He kisses the top of my head and leans down to whisper in my ear, “I thought you could use a pick me up.”
I smile up at him and say, “Thank you, Luke. Really.”
“My pleasure.” He kisses my cheek and steps back, and I see Raif leaning against the wall behind the door again. He’s watching us, his eyes thoughtful.
Luke turns and finally acknowledges Raif. “Hello, brother.”
Raif nods at Luke, no grin on his face. “Hello, yourself.”
“Forgive me but you look like shit.” Luke says. “You all right?”
Raif finally cracks a smile and says. “The whiskey ain’t working anymore, I guess.” Luke chuckles.
“It never really was. Just a bad look for you. Speaking of, I had an idea for a song, want to grab dinner and go talk about it?”
Raif nods. “That sounds good.”
Luke squeezes me once more. “Can we bring you anything, sweet tart?”
I smile at them both, glad to see them joking around like usual. “Odetta might never forgive me if I let someone else feed me.”
They both laugh and Raif comes over and folds me into his arms for a hug. I hug him back, my face pressed into his chest, listening to his heart beat. “Thank you,” he murmurs into my hair, but I hear him. I step back and pretend to shoo them off.
“You boys go have fun.” I tell them. “I have work to do.”
Luke blows me a kiss and pushes Raif from the office. They’re both smiling and when the door closes behind them, I am, too.
Chapter 8
Raif
“Try that a little faster,” Chloe urges, her voice excited. I grin at her and follow her instructions, strumming the notes at a faster pace. Chloe softly sings the lyrics we’ve been working on together for the last week and grins at me. “I think that’s it.” She says, bouncing with excitement.
I chuckle, nodding at her, “I think you’re right. It was just too slow before.” Chloe claps happily before downing the last of her lemonade. We’re set up in my living room, the remnants of the fried-chicken-and-fixings dinner Odetta made for us littering the scarred surface of the coffee table my mom and I found at a secondhand shop.
It’s been a few weeks since Chloe and I had our blowup. I’ve stopped moving through women the way I was. And I’ve cut back on my drinking. I feel happier now. Lighter than I’ve been in ages. Being sober more has given me time to think. I never realized how Pippa dragged me down, how she’d become more of a habit to me than someone I cared for. I used her as surely as she was using me. That’s not the kind of man I ever thought I would be. These days my focus is on my music and the people I love. And I take things as they come. I’m trying to be the best man I know how to be. For me. And even though I know she deserves so much better than me, I want to be the man for Chloe. I know it makes me selfish, but now that I’ve tasted those lips, I know for sure. I’ll never want anyone else.
“What’re you thinking about so hard, cupcake?” Chloe’s voice breaks in on my thoughts. “You look very serious all of a sudden.”
I grin at her and shrug. “Just reflecting on how happy I am right now.”
She smiles at me, bright and open as the sun and my breath catches in my chest for a moment. “Well, I’m glad to hear that.”
I can hear the relief in her voice, the sincerity in that statement ringing in every syllable. Being with Chloe has always been easy, there aren’t ever any games. I don’t have to try and puzzle out hidden agendas in her actions or words. I can just be. She makes everything better. I open my mouth to tell her so and her cell phone trills an alert, startling us both. I close my mouth again. Timing isn’t right. She checks the display on her phone and her face clouds over, the sunshine fading away at whatever she sees there.
“What’s up?” Her lush mouth is turned down at the corners, her green eyes sad when she raises her face to meet my gaze. She gets to her feet, and I do the same, reaching for her instinctually, wanting to comfort her, bring her smile back. I can’t stand the pain in her expression and experience tells me only one person has the power to put that look on her face. Lilly May must be up to her usual nonsense over at the saloon. I pull her into my arms. “Lilly May?”
“Yeah,” she murmurs into my chest, her arms tight around my waist, her face hidden from me. I know she’s embarrassed, even though h
er mother is an adult and Chloe can’t control what she does. “I have to go deal with her. Zora says she’s on something; barefoot and half dressed, loud and ranting. Must be great for business. I don’t know why I’m surprised. It’s the usual routine.”
I tilt her chin up to look in her eyes and my heart hurts at the pain I see swimming in the green depths. “Can I come?” I know if I offer to help, she’ll turn me down flat. She seems to think she has to do everything on her own. She tilts her head up at me, studying my eyes for a moment before answering.
“You wouldn’t be trying to come to my rescue, would you, cupcake?”
Damn it, she knows me too well. “No. Honestly, I’m being selfish. If I come, too, I can get you back here after you’re done. You haven’t had a whole day off in weeks, Chloe Jane. If I don’t go with you, you’ll just stay to close up and I need you tonight. Clearly, we’re very busy here.” I grin down at her, wheedling for my way.
She returns my grin and I feel her body relax against mine. “So long as it’s for purely selfish reasons. I don’t need a white knight charging in to save me. I’m no damsel in distress.”
“I’d never even think it.” I tell her, trying to hold back a smile.
“Well then,” she says, “I suppose if that’s the case then you can come with me.”
We make it to the Saloon in record time, Chloe’s white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel the only outward sign of any stress she might be feeling. When we park out front, we see that Lilly May has been deposited outside of the saloon and is throwing a fit. Dressed in what looks to be a slip, barefoot, long hair wild around her face, she bellows and shrieks. A crowd of onlookers has gathered around to gawk at the spectacle. Chloe hisses out a soft curse, jumping out and leaving the engine running. I get out behind her, just in case. Her mother can be a tricky piece of work and I’ve seen her go on the attack physically before. Chloe won’t defend herself, she hates violence, but I will not allow Lilly May Morris to do any more damage to her daughter if I can help it.
Renegade Heart (Renegades Book 1) Page 5
