I wish I could get angry at the intrusion, but we are arguing in the back of his car. And it’s become clear to anyone who knows Luke at all how he feels about my girl. And he’s right. Now isn’t the time for pettiness between us. We’re better than this.
Troy surprises me with a calm, “Seconded. You two are driving me nuts.” He heaves a sigh. “Look, we all love Chloe in a way, okay. We all want the best for her. Luke, it’s not fair of you to make Raif feel bad because he’s a dumbass about his lady. You had her first. And he’s been distracted over the last decade with the wicked witch bitch who left him at the altar.”
Bran murmurs, “Hallelujah.” at that. And I blink. I never thought about him having had her first. I knew they’d had sex in high school, because friends talk. And with Troy as a friend of yours, your sexual exploits (or lack thereof) were always up for debate.
Troy continues as though Bran never spoke. Luke looks to be chewing on his tongue. “Don’t get pissed at me, brother. I’ve known for a long time you were still in love with her. Hence why I never made a pass.”
Bran sighs when Luke and I both growl. “Not helping.” Bran mutters to Troy, “And let’s be honest, Chloe’d never go for you.”
Troy sounds put out when he says, “You don’t know that for sure.”
Luke leans forward in his seat, and we say in unison. “Yes, we do.”
Troy huffs at us. “Well, fuck you, too. Either way, I’m right. We’re about to be holed up together for months away from home. Now is not the time to turn into pussies about this shit. So stuff it back down or whatever you gotta do.” He shrugs as if he has no idea how this feels, and to be honest, he probably doesn’t. Troy doesn’t do connections, doesn’t get close. “I think you should write it in a song and let it go. Both of you.”
Bran is shaking his head as he drives. “You’re an eloquent motherfucker, you know that. We’re gonna put you on Dr. Phil as a guest host or some shit.”
Luke sighs next to me. “I have no issues with anyone.”
I cast him a sidelong glance and clear my throat. “This is new for me. I get jealous, can’t help it.” I look at Luke again, and ask him something that’s been haunting me since Chloe and I got together. “You think I’m bad for her?”
Luke’s shoulders sag. “I wish I could say yes and tell you to leave her be.” He sounds haggard again. “But, I’m no liar. You just need to pay attention better. You make her happy most of the time.”
Relief floods through me at his words. “I’ll do better.”
Luke nods, his eyes on the scenery flying by us outside his window. “Good.”
Troy sits back in his seat and folds his arms over his chest. “See. This is better than you two being all butt hurt over shit and glaring at each other all the damn time.”
Bran shakes his head. “Sure, cuz that was my concern.”
Troy shrugs. “Whatever, they’re not biting each other’s heads off anymore, are they?”
“Just hush, Mother Teresa.” Bran turns the radio on and we all shut our mouths and listen to the local country station until it’s nothing but static on the speakers.
Nashville is beautiful. Hot and sultry. Good food and amazing music can be found every night downtown. I don’t think Troy is ever going to go back home when this is all over. He seems to have found his utopia. Any girl with a twang to her voice seems to set his dick twitching. He’ll have bedded every available woman over the age of 17 before we’re done recording this album. Typical Troy. Bran, as always, is hyper focused on work. We’re in the studio every day, and that’s where one hundred percent of his attention is. I don’t think he’s even realized there are women around us.
Luke hates the heat almost as much as Chloe does, so this climate is a new level of hell for him. He’s back in surly Luke mode. He’s got a perpetual sneer on his face and at least three times a day, I hear him mutter, “I cannot wait to go home.” Tennessee in late September feels a bit like New York in July only on steroids. Some of us are adjusting better than others.
The record label put us up in a house to share on the outskirts of Nashville. It’s been something of a challenge, learning to cohabitate with three other men who already have their own routines and quirks. But three weeks in, we’re getting used to it. Now that Troy has been informed that clothing is not optional in the main rooms of the house, and his dates are not to be left unsupervised. We woke up one morning to find a chipper little blonde trying to remove the stereo equipment. No one was amused.
Most of our time has been spent working, but at night, we make our way into the city proper to explore. After all, we are tourists when everything is said and done. All four of us have been wanting to see Nashville since we were kids. This is part of the dream for us, too. I wish I could enjoy it more. I am trying to experience everything, trying to take it all in to relay back to Chloe. I’m not having much fun, though.
It doesn’t feel right to be enjoying things. Not when missing Chloe is like a constant ache in my stomach, an unreachable itch under my skin. She’s meant to be here, too. It pounds through my blood every moment of every day. And I can’t keep reiterating to her how much I wish she was here because then I feel guilty.
The boys and I went to the Grand Ole Opry last night and all I could think all night long was how much she would’ve loved the history of the place, the acoustics and the ambience. She would have been in love with the whole scene. I took pictures and tried to recount every detail when we talked on the phone this morning, but I don’t know if I did it justice.
It’s been three weeks, but it feels like years since I held Chloe in my arms. We video chat, text and talk whenever possible. I can’t tell if it helps or if it just makes me miss her more. She looks tired, not that I’d ever tell her that. And sad. And the sadness is what kills me whenever we talk. The sunshine seems to have fled from her and it hasn’t returned. I know it’s my fault, and I hate myself for it.
I want her here with me, where she belongs. But I can’t ask her to pick between her family’s business and me. It wouldn’t be fair. I know she takes running the Saloon seriously. Merle wanted her to take over and that’s all that matters to her. She won’t walk away from that responsibility. Anyway, wouldn’t she have said she wanted to come with me when we talked about my move here if that’s what she wanted? She’s never once said she wants to be here, living with me. She mentioned wanting to see the Opry someday, but that’s a different thing altogether.
On a positive note, Chloe has songwriter credit on almost every song we’re recording, and that means she’ll be getting paid. I don’t think she realizes that. I’m gonna keep it as a surprise for as long as possible. The only song she didn’t help write was one that Luke and I wrote together since we got here. We took Troy’s advice and tried to hammer out some of our feelings for her by writing music together. It’s called Renegade Heart. It’s another surprise. Just something to show her we know we wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her and everything she does for us. She’s really the heart of the Renegades, even if she doesn’t perform with us normally. She’s here with us in spirit, always.
Chapter 19
Raif
Six Months Later….
Dell’s husband, Rhett, works at a Nashville radio station and he got Renegade Heart on the air. People took a liking to it, started requesting it all the time. It hadn’t even officially dropped, and we got a call from another Music City artist wanting us to open the rest of their Midwest tour dates. We’d just wrapped filming on our first music video, for Renegade Heart. It was beyond surreal. Things just started happening rapid fire.
I had to cancel my planned three-day weekend in White Oak with Chloe, so we could leave to meet the tour in Missouri. She was understanding, but I could hear in her voice on the phone that all was not well. Unfortunately, it wasn’t something I could fix now. I left, and life became a whirlwind of travel and performing. It’s all exciting, but also exhausting.
Troy is in his element, he wa
s born for this life, I think. Luke and Bran are getting by okay, I think. Tired, but enjoying themselves. I fought against it at first, knowing I’d hurt Chloe more by canceling our visit to tour, but within a week of touring, I was happy with how things were going. I still miss my girl, I want her with me. It’s not keeping me from enjoying this experience anymore, though.
I’ve tried several times to arrange for Chloe to come meet us at a show. I offered to buy her plane ticket, but she keeps saying no. I stopped trying so hard. I don’t know if she’s just waiting until I return to White Oak to end things or what. It hurts too much to think about it, so I don’t. I’m living in the moment.
This is a stadium tour, and it’s nothing like the piddling little venues we were playing before. I know we couldn’t draw a crowd like we’re playing for every night on our own. Not yet, but it’s coming. I know it is. I can feel it in my bones. I am lonely but I’m also writing every day, it’s fueling my creativity.
Tonight, we’re playing to a sold-out crowd in Columbus, Ohio. We are scheduled to do a radio interview in the morning, our first one ever. And then we’ll pack it up and get on the bus to travel to the next stop. All in all, life is good.
Currently, I’m waiting for Chloe to video call me, so we can chat on Skype. She missed our call yesterday. She’s been missing a lot of our calls lately. I know she’s busy, so I try not to let it get to me, but I’m busy, too. I still manage to carve out the time for our calls every day. I don’t understand why she can’t find a way to do that, too.
Finally, the ring comes that I’ve been waiting for and Chloe’s face is on my laptop screen. My heart sinks at the sight of her. She looks tired. Her big green eyes are bloodshot, dark circles prominent under them. Her pretty hair is up in a messy knot on the top of her head, her small form swallowed up in a hunter green cable knit sweater. She grins at me, a very toned-down version of her normal smile, no sparkle present in her eyes at all. “Hiya, cupcake. Sorry I’m late.”
I shrug, smile at her. “It’s okay, darlin’,” I lie, unwilling to delve into the unpleasant feelings squirming around inside me. “How are you doing?”
She watches my eyes and I see the hint of a smile she’d been sporting disappear. “I’m fine. How’s life on the road?”
Fine. Super. Now she’s even more upset. I swallow down a sigh. “It’s okay,” I say, not lying. “We’ve got the hang of it now, I think.” This has been happening more and more often lately, too. There seems to be this ever-thickening wall between us that has nothing to do with distance and everything to do with whatever words we’re each burying. I don’t know how to fix it, how to fix us. I don’t know if we’ll ever reclaim the formerly easygoing relationship we shared.
I hear voices from her end of the call, and Chloe turns to the door of her office as Zora pokes her head in. “Sorry to interrupt, Chlo, but your mom is out here again.” Chloe’s shoulders slump and I hear something thump from her end.
“Of course she is,” Chloe says, sounding more defeated than I’ve ever heard her. She looks up at Zora, “I’ll be right out.” Zora nods, looking sympathetic and then ducks back out again. Chloe turns her attention back to me. “I’m sorry, Raif. I have to go deal with this.” She’s not even looking at me, though, she’s looking beyond me.
“It’s ok, darlin’, I understand. Can I call you tonight?” She’s already standing up from behind the desk.
“If you have time, yes. I’ll do my best to answer.”
“Ok, I love you.” I tell her, but I’m talking to an empty screen. She’s ended the call to go deal with Lilly May.
I’m still sitting in my silent hotel room a few minutes later when there’s a knock on my door. I get up and let Luke in. He looks at my face and mutters, “Fuck.” He pushes me into an armchair. “What happened to you?”
I consider staying silent and brushing him off but discard the idea. Luke knows me too well. “Just my call with Chloe got cut short because of her mom, no big deal.” I try to lie, to mask the other, darker feelings that I’m starting to drown in.
“You wouldn’t be moping in a dark room because of that.”
“Shut up.”
“You know I’m right. What else is going on?”
I debate holding my tongue, but the need to talk about this with someone wins out. “I don’t think she’s in it anymore. I miss her, but I don’t think she wants to make this work.”
Luke’s eyes bore into mine, studying me. He’s silent for a few minutes before finally he clears his throat. “I don’t want to be a dick, I really don’t. And I don’t know if this is because it’s her, but I think you’re full of shit.” He holds up a hand when I make to get out of the chair. “Sit down and listen, damn it.”
“I don’t know if I want to hear it.”
“Oh, stop being a baby. I’ve watched you two for years, tiptoeing around your real feelings for each other. Chloe doesn’t believe anyone wants her around, ever. Her mother fucked her up pretty good. I thought you knew that about her.” He glances up at me.
“I know she can get that way sometimes. But I didn’t know she felt that way about me.”
Luke sighs. “Well, she does. You get that she’s only ever had us and her grandparents to care for her, right? And Pippa used to give her shit if she caught you looking at her too much.”
“What?” I gape at him, truly astounded at what he’s saying. “I never caught Pippa being a bitch to Chloe.”
Luke shakes his head at me. “Well, you’re the only one who didn’t. I mean, hello, Chloe spent most nights in your bed and Pippa is definitely the jealous type.” He waves me off when I make to interrupt him. “The bigger issue right now, though, is you don’t think you’re good enough for her. And you both take silence as a personal insult. But you won’t talk about shit. So there’s no growth and nothing gets solved.” I can hear the impatience in his voice and I’m sure this is the absolute last thing he wants to be doing right now.
“I didn’t realize you knew all that.” I murmur to him.
Luke opens his mouth to retort, but there’s a knock on the door and Troy calls out, “C’mon boys! We’re gonna be late if we don’t leave now.”
I sigh as Luke calls back, “We’ll be right out.” He turns his attention back to me. “Things might be easier to work out if you two were face to face, Raif. We have a break coming up, try and hang in there until then.”
Later that night we’re leaving the arena, following security to our waiting car, the throng of loud female fans calling our names, asking for autographs and photos. To keep Troy from spawning endlessly across the Midwest, we’ve put a no fraternizing with fans rule into effect. He hates it, but the rest of us use it as an excuse to look straight ahead and move from one point to the other.
“Raif!” I hear and freeze in place. I know that voice. I turn my head and see the familiar long red hair and blue eyes of my ex-fiancé. She catches me looking at her and a huge smile splits her face. “Tell them it’s okay,” she bellows at me.
I shake my head wordlessly and feel someone take hold of my elbow, towing me towards the car. Turning my head towards whoever has hold of me, I see it’s Luke looking grim. He glares at Pippa. “No.” he says loud enough for her to hear. “Get lost, Satan.”
Her overly made up eyes narrow unhappily as she pouts. “That’s rude.”
Luke smiles at her like a shark. “I don’t care if it’s rude. The days of me being polite to you are long over.” He turns to the nearest security guard and points her out. “Take her picture, please. She’s a stalker. We do not want her anywhere near us. Understand?”
The guard looks mildly alarmed and nods, snapping a photo of Pippa and then stepping forward to block her view of us. I turn to Luke, shocked. The guard says, “Ma’am, I’m gonna need you to move along. You don’t belong back here.”
“Classy, Luke.” Pippa snaps at him and steps away from the line, raising her hands in a surrendering gesture.
“Stay away from all of us,�
�� Luke says to her, almost genially. “You are done causing damage here.”
He nudges me on to the car and I climb inside, not looking back. Once Luke follows me in, he points a stern finger at me and says, “Don’t even fucking think about it or I’ll nut punch you. Understand?”
There’s no disguising the anger in his voice. I feel my own temper rise in response. “How stupid do you think I am?”
Troy groans unhappily, looking between us. “What the fuck happened now?”
Luke snaps, “Fucking Pippa is here.”
Bran sighs. “Well, he’s with Chloe now so she’ll have to just go away.” His voice is calm, not concerned by the news.
Luke glares at him, too. “When has he ever walked away from Pippa before?” he asks as though I’m not sitting right here staring at him in shocked silence. “And when was the last time he saw Chloe?” He laughs darkly, “It’s been almost eight months and he’s lonely and they’re not connecting and now here comes Pippa.” He sounds disgusted with all of us and my fists clench in my lap. “If we hadn’t been there, he’d already be back under her thumb!”
Troy mutters, “Fuck me.”
I clench my jaw, trying to control my temper, trying to hold back from screaming at my best friend. “Luke.” I expel a long breath, trying to bring in positive light and all that crap. “Fuck you, man. I wouldn’t ever hurt Chloe that way.” My voice shakes from the anger I’m trying to tamp down, the hurt that is invading my chest at learning this is how little he thinks of me. Am I really this giant a fuck up in his eyes? Who else feels this way? Is this why Chloe is pulling away from me now?
Luke shakes his head. “Sure, you wouldn’t. Think back on that conversation we had earlier and ask me again why I’m not convinced.”
Renegade Heart (Renegades Book 1) Page 13
