I felt a burst of something hot inside me at his gaze on my body. He liked what he saw, I knew that much. And Jesus, did I like what I saw. He was so, so beautiful. I didn’t look away, expecting him to say “hi.” To shake my hand or something. Anything. Make a move, even though I’d have to find a way to shoot him down, but not wanting to.
But he didn’t. He just smiled at me, a small polite, not-quite warm smile. A nervous, forced thing. And then he moved past me, wiping drops from his face, and then making a fist. I turned to watch him go, and damn it if he didn’t have the most amazing ass, outlined by the wet fabric of his shorts, round and firm-looking. I shook myself, forced those idiotic thoughts from my head. That was the kind of thing that I didn’t have any time for, and had no place thinking.
But yet I couldn’t help watching him go. He was striding quickly, as if angry.
Was he mad at me? It was a public beach, so I had every right to be there. I didn’t get his reaction. He’d stared at me, acted like he was about to say something, and then he just took off. Maybe he was shy? But a guy that hot, with that kind of body? No way he was shy. Guys who looked like him were cocky, arrogant. Self-assured. Not…like he’d been. As if afraid to even say hello.
He rounded a corner, and then a moment later I heard the same throaty rumble I’d heard last time, and I watched the road leading out to M-37. A classic truck of some kind. Not a sports car like I’d thought. I didn’t know anything about cars, classic or otherwise, but I knew his was sexy. Masculine, powerful, but not showy, not overdone. It suited him.
I went home and spent the day working on the house. It wasn’t in good shape. There were things I just couldn’t do, didn’t have the tools or skills to fix, or the money to have them fixed. So I’d just have to live with it. Like the leaky roof, or the peeling paint on the outside. The floors that dipped in some places and bulged up in others. The screens that needed replacing. I could peel the wallpaper off, though, and I could probably manage to paint the walls. Maybe I could start on that. Or not.
The next day was rainy, so I spent it inside reading. I’d brought my box of favorite books with me, of course, and I’d also bought myself a Kindle and loaded it with about a hundred novels. It was summer, and I was determined to act like I was on vacation for as long as I could. I was trying to ignore the fact that this broken-down cabin on the beach on an isolated peninsula was my new home. It wasn’t a vacation. Not really. It was life. I could pretend, though. Sit on the beach and read. Jog, swim, play the cello.
I was curled up on my couch with a steamy novel when I felt a drip on my head. And another. I looked up, and cursed. There was a huge dark spot on the ceiling. Another leak. Great. That made four. I tossed my book onto the coffee table, which was several years older than I was, and found an old plastic bowl in a cabinet, then set it on the couch beneath the leak. I already had a bucket on the kitchen table and one in the bathroom next to the toilet. I had another bucket in the second bedroom, near the closet.
God knows what would happen in the winter. The whole roof would cave in, probably. While I was sleeping, most likely. I’d be buried in snow and never wake up.
Maybe that would be the easiest way out.
I shook my head at the dark thought. I was no coward. Well, okay, so I was. I’d run away rather than deal with the fallout of my actions. But it wasn’t just for me, I reasoned with myself. Maybe I’d go back someday. When Ever was stronger, physically and emotionally. When she wasn’t so vulnerable.
By then, maybe, it’d be easier to tell the truth. Or maybe not.
The rain had stopped by late afternoon, so I changed into my running gear, needing to get away from my whirling thoughts. I put on my headphones, set the iPod to repeat my playlist—mostly electronic dance tunes with a fast beat and few words. It was humid and hot, the post-rain air thick with moisture.
I headed north, toward the lighthouse, setting myself a hellishly hard pace. After turning through the lighthouse parking lot at the tip of the peninsula, I headed south with the lake on my right, hidden here and there by a thin scrim of trees. I was panting and sweating, and I was sick of my playlist. I hit the “skip” button several times until a beat I didn’t recognize came on. I had no recollection of downloading the song, but it was fast and lighthearted, a country song I’d heard once or twice before. I didn’t usually like country, and rarely listened to it, so the appearance of Dierks Bentley’s song “What Was I Thinkin’” on my iPod was a little strange. It was fun, though, and it helped me pick up my pace and kept my feet moving.
Why did I have this song? I just couldn’t remember. None of the guys I’d ever dated had been too much into country, so it wasn’t that. Cade and I hadn’t ever shared music. Ever? She wasn’t a country music kind of girl, either. Where had the song come from?
And why had I let myself think about Cade and Ever again? I clenched my fists and swung my arms to get my feet moving, to push my pace faster, to get the burn and the ache to a roar loud enough to distract me. It didn’t work, though. My thoughts returned to Cade. He seemed like a country music type. He’d lived in Wyoming, after all. He’d been a real-deal cowboy, living on a working horse ranch. But he and I had never discussed musical tastes. I’d played Apollo in front of him a few times, but that was about it. I had no idea what kind of music he liked. He watched James Bond movies because his dad had liked them. I knew that. What else did I know about Cade? Not much. His mom had died of cancer. His dad had died of a broken heart, otherwise known as a heart attack, caused by the burden of grief. His grandparents had died of old age. He was an artist.
I’d spent months with him, and that was all I knew? I didn’t know his favorite color. I didn’t know his favorite band. I was pregnant with his child, and I knew nothing about him.
Fuck. I was an idiot. I’d gone running to escape these thoughts, and now here I was wallowing in them all over again. I fought the sting in my eyes, focused on the beat of the music pumping in my ears, a Three Days Grace song, “Misery Loves Company.” It was a workout song, hard and fast, and it let me keep my feet grinding the miles away.
I couldn’t outrun my thoughts, though.
The reality didn’t always feel real. I had morning sickness still, and some strange hormonal mood swings, but that was about it. I was only showing a tiny bit, not enough to stop me from running in my usual shorts and sports bra. I didn’t really feel pregnant. I was, though, and I knew it. I’d seen the tests, several of them, all showing positive. I hadn’t had a period in months. So I was pregnant. It was real and unavoidable and undeniable. But it didn’t always seem like a day-to-day reality. Maybe I could just take some Tums and the nausea would go away. I’d get my period. My moods would even out on their own. Maybe it was just stress.
But I couldn’t do that.
I was really and truly pregnant with my brother-in-law’s child.
At that moment and with that thought ringing in my mind, I felt something beside me. I glanced over and saw him, tall and toned and tan and iron-muscled, running next to me. Shirtless, as he always seemed to be. His chest muscles shifted and flexed as he swung his arms. He was running hard, covered in sweat. He wore nothing but a pair of blue shorts that matched his eyes, and a pair of battered New Balance running shoes. No iPod or earbuds, no evidence that he’d ever worn a shirt. He had no tan lines, only sun-darkened skin from forehead to hips.
Shit. Why was he here? I was fighting sobs as I ran, fighting terrified gasps as the reality of my situation rifled through me all over again. And here he was, this mysterious and sexy stranger who never spoke and always seemed to appear at the worst possible moments. I was out of breath and sweaty and about to cry, hair tangled and sticking to my cheeks and forehead and neck, my pale skin flushed. And he looked perfect. Lean and powerful, black hair thick and messy and artfully sweat-stained. As if he spent his life in a pair of shorts and nothing else, perpetually sweating and always pushing himself.
I looked away from him and tried to shove d
own the emotions, tried to pretend like I wasn’t on the verge of stumbling to a stop and collapsing in tears on the side of M-37. I felt his gaze, though. As if he could see what I was trying to contain. I felt a single tear slip down my face, and I wiped at it. Another, and another, and then I was crying for real. I stifled a sob and poured on the speed, needing to get away from Beach God’s too-knowing gaze. I was already running as fast as my conditioning would allow, but I needed to get away. I needed him to not see me like this. I needed to not be thinking about him. He had no place in my life. I belonged alone. I didn’t deserve friendship, or company. I deserved the misery crushing me, and nothing else.
He kept pace, damn him. And he still said nothing. He didn’t ask what was wrong, didn’t offer any sympathy or understanding or anything. He just ran beside me, leaving space between us. He ran effortlessly, as if this insane pace wasn’t destroying him the way it was me. I couldn’t keep it up for much longer, yet I still had a couple of miles left. But still I kept running, no longer jogging but flat-out running, legs burning as they stretched to eat the road, lungs on fire as they strained to provide oxygen. And the tears remained. I had to wipe them away in a vain attempt to hide them from Beach God.
My foot hit a rock, pitching me off-balance. I felt myself going down, and I braced, knowing I’d hit painfully hard. Except the fall never came. A huge, strong, callused hand grabbed my left arm just above the elbow and held me upright as I stumbled a few steps and found my balance. My heart was pounding in my chest, adrenaline making my heartbeat loud in my ears.
I glanced at Beach God. “Thanks,” I said, between breaths. He just nodded and kept running. I glanced at him out of the corner of my eye. “You don’t…talk much, do you?” It was a lame conversation gambit, but it was all I could think of.
He just shook his head and kept running.
“Can’t, or don’t?” I asked, giving in to curiosity. He only shrugged noncommittally. I waited, thinking he might be trying to think of a good answer, or trying to catch his breath to speak, but he didn’t. He just kept running.
I was irritated now. If he was mute, wouldn’t he use sign language, find some way to communicate with me? He seemed interested in me—unfortunately for him—but if he was, he had a funny way of showing it. I couldn’t figure him out, and there was no point in trying. As soon as he found out the truth about me, he’d be long gone.
I somehow found the strength to put on speed, leaving him behind. I ran, tensed, waiting for him to catch up and make an excuse, apologize, something, anything. But…no. He just let me run ahead, let the distance expand between us.
I couldn’t deny the sense of disappointment I felt.
rusty
I altered my routine after that. I ran at night, late, usually. I avoided the beach at sunrise and sunset, which were the times when he seemed to be there the most. I didn’t see him again for a month. During that month, I began to show for real. Just a bump, really, a slight protrusion, enough to seem like maybe I’d fallen off the diet and exercise wagon. I had to start wearing shirts that covered my belly when I worked out, though. I ran in tank tops, swam in my purple one-piece.
I wondered how long it would be before I was unable to run. Or if it was unwise to do so. I’d seen a doctor a few days after my arrival up here, of course, at the hospital in downtown Traverse City. He’d examined me, said things were “progressing apace,” whatever the hell that meant. He gave me a prescription for some prenatal pills and told me to make sure I kept eating healthy and avoided caffeine and alcohol. Things I knew from TV, really.
I’d always been strict about what I ate, allowing myself a few treats here and there, a few indulgences. I let myself drink alcohol—or rather, I had, before—and to justify the caloric intake of booze, I didn’t eat red meat and avoided cheese as much as I could. So cutting alcohol and caffeine out of my diet hadn’t been as hard as for some women, I imagined. The alcohol I missed simply because I desperately wanted to seek the oblivion of forgetting, even if it was only temporary. Instead, I ran, and played Apollo. Which just wasn’t the same.
And now, with my belly getting bigger, I knew my days of five-mile runs were numbered.
It was midsummer now, and the days were blazing hot. Too hot to run, even for me. I walked instead, just to get outside, away from the sagging roof and peeling wallpaper and rotting porch steps of my cabin. Away from my thoughts, which was never effective, but worth trying.
One day, a cloudy but stiflingly hot and humid afternoon, I passed a pile of junk heaped on the side of the road. Mostly trash, an ancient, boxy TV with rabbit-ears, a box of broken dishes and pitted, grease-stained pots and pans, an old broom and moldy-looking mop. An exercise bike missing a pedal, a black plastic garbage bag overflowing with stuffed animals and mismatched clothing. But what caught my attention was the bicycle, a ten-speed older than I was. It had once been red, I thought, but was now more rust-colored than anything. I pulled it free from the pile and pressed my thumb on the skinny, oversize tires, found them airtight. It had its chain and gears, the shifters, a scuffed but intact seat, brakes pads, levers, and handlebars. I noticed a stout woman wearing a floppy gardening hat kneeling in a bed of flowers beneath the porch of the house.
“Excuse me,” I called out. She turned and looked at me. “Can I have this?” I gestured at the bike.
“All yours, sweetie,” she responded with a wave.
“Thanks!”
I walked the bike home and gave it a more thorough examination. The brakes were loose, but usable, and the chain could use some oil, but other than that it was just old. Maybe this bike would buy me a few more weeks of exercise before I got too pregnant to get off my couch.
The next day was brilliantly sunny, the sky clear blue and the air hot. I was restless, antsy. Even Apollo couldn’t quite push away the fear of motherhood, the panic my increasingly pregnant body inspired. What would I say when it was obvious to anyone who looked at me? I hadn’t had to answer any questions yet. Of course, I rarely left the peninsula. I shopped at the cute little combination bar-and-grill/sandwich deli/gas station and grocery store that was about ten minutes south. It was the only place to eat or shop within a half-hour drive of the tip of the peninsula where I lived, and the lady who worked behind the counter most days seemed to know I didn’t welcome chatter. She rang up my purchases, swiped my card, and let me leave without expressing any of the idle curiosity that was often so prevalent in small towns like this. Thank god for that at least.
I was due for an ultrasound at around eighteen weeks, which was in a little over two months. Until then, I was hoping to avoid going any farther south than the Peninsula Market. The mainland and downtown meant people, which meant curiosity and stares and questions. Oh, where’s your husband? How far along are you? Is it a boy or girl? Do you have any names picked out? I couldn’t answer any of that. Except how far along I was: almost eleven weeks. Nearly into my second trimester. I’d read What to Expect When You’re Expecting, of course. So now I knew what to expect, more or less, but that didn’t really help much. Knowing the morning sickness would pass by the second trimester was nice, but the talk of back pain and the ache of my boobs getting bigger and always having to pee…I wasn’t looking forward to that.
I couldn’t even begin thinking about actually giving birth. Or what I would do once I had. I knew I should be making plans, trying to adjust my life to my new reality, but I just couldn’t. All I could do was try to survive emotionally and hope things would work out. That was stupid and foolish, and would only hurt me in the long run, but I was terrified, and alone, and confused, and wracked with guilt. And I just didn’t know what to do.
Eventually, my chaotic thoughts drove me from the house. I got onto the old bike I’d rescued from the trash and pedaled toward M-37. It didn’t seem so bad at first. Hot, but bearable. And then I got to M-37, and the shade from the trees disappeared and the real hills began, and the heat began to mount. My thought initially was to ride to the market,
get some lunch at the deli, and then bike home. But I wasn’t even halfway there when I realized I might have made a mistake in trying to ride today. The heat was intense, the sun a glaring ball above me. The hills rose and fell, each one more brutal than the last, especially heading south. I usually ran north to the tip of the peninsula and back, which was mostly flat. But going south the topography became ever more hilly, which was part of the reason vineyards were so popular. Hills were good for grapes, and so was the heat, but it wasn’t so good for pregnant Eden. I hadn’t brought a water bottle, since there was nowhere to put it. I was drenched in sweat from head to toe, and the pedals were getting harder and harder to push. The hills seemed endless. Each rotation of the pedals seemed like a minor victory.
I wiped my forehead with my wrist, gasping for breath, and glanced ahead. Another steep uphill grade. I was far enough away from home now that to turn around only meant more work. And I had to get something to drink. My mouth was dry, feeling like it was splitting apart. My head spun, my eyes felt heavy, and my legs were jelly. I had to find somewhere to stop. There was nothing, though. Only acre after acre of cherry trees, row after row of grapevines. An occasional dirt track leading through the vineyard or orchard, maybe a little shack used to house equipment. No houses, nothing.
I focused on the white line at the side of the road, focused on keeping my front tire on that line. Pedal, pedal, pedal. Don’t think about the hill. Don’t think about the ache in my legs, or the burn in my lungs, or the sweat stinging my eyes. Just pedal, and hope for someplace to rest and get a drink. Don’t think about the miles to get back home.
This can’t be good for the baby.
Saving Forever (The Ever Trilogy: Book 3) Page 9
