The Journey Home

by Linda Ford

  John poked at the fire for a few minutes, sending sparks into the air. Finally he sat back. “I try once to take her to doctor in Favor. Big fat nurse chase me away. ‘No Indians allowed,’ she say. Government send doctor to reservation. I take Star to him. He look at foot and say only we can do nothing. ‘Be satisfied she happy.’”

  Kody gave a long sigh. She’d already borne the brunt of prejudice, then. Weariness filled his bones. He knew he couldn’t expect anything more. Not many people were like Ma and Pa, who didn’t care about Kody’s heritage.

  “So there’s absolutely nothing you can do?”

  “One thing. Doctor say there are special shoes. They cost much money.”

  Kody nodded. “I will get her those shoes.”

  “And then you will be gone again?”

  “It is for the best.”

  John grunted. “For you?”

  The question skidded along Kody’s nerves. It was for Star, of course. She was better off without him. “She can’t belong to two worlds. It doesn’t work. Take it from someone who knows.”

  John grunted again but didn’t speak. Just when Kody decided he didn’t intend to, John murmured, “You are man with much war inside your head.”

  It was Kody’s turn to grunt. John might have a point but this was not about his own needs. He had to do what he thought best for Star.

  Chapter Six

  The next morning, Charlotte thanked Morning and John for their hospitality. They were a kind couple, generous Christians willing to share what little they had. And Star was a sweet child, loved and cherished by them. She’d brought her cornhusk doll to Charlotte and told her about her doll being lost and found again. Charlotte didn’t know if the story was imaginary or real, but she heard the underlying themes of loss and uncertainty. Perhaps common enough in a child, but poignantly more real in this little girl.

  It was about more than she could do to keep from shooting an accusing look at Kody.

  She restrained her confrontation until they rode away from the Eaglefeather home, until they both turned and waved for the last time. Then, as they rounded a bend blocking them from sight, she turned on him. “I overheard your conversation last night.”

  Shock widened his eyes, revealed itself on his face.

  She didn’t give him a chance to offer useless explanations. “I can’t believe you would deny your own daughter.”

  His face turned into an expressionless mask. “I want your promise to never reveal this secret.”

  She shook her head. “How can you treat her like this? Is it because she’s crippled? I heard John say nothing could be done. Are you ashamed of her?”

  He allowed Sam to pick up the pace so he rode several feet in front of her, making further conversation impossible.

  But Charlotte’s anger had been building throughout the night and this morning as they drank tea and ate breakfast. She kicked the black mare. “Come on, Blackie, hurry up.”

  Kody snorted and glanced over his shoulder. “Since when did the old thing have a name?”

  “Since right now. Even an animal deserves recognition.” She managed to narrow the distance between them. “Do you have any idea how that child will feel when she finds out her father abandoned her? And where is her mother?”

  “Her mother died shortly after her birth.”

  “I’m sorry.” So Kody was Star’s only parent. He needed to give that some importance in his plans. “It’s simply not fair to ride off and leave someone behind like you’re doing.”

  He reined in Sam and faced her. “I can never figure out if you mean yourself when you say such things.”

  “Me? This isn’t about me. It’s about Star. And you.”

  “Is it? Are you sure? Aren’t you the least bit angry with Harry for leaving you behind?”

  “Of course I’m upset.” Harry had promised Charlotte would always have a home with him—a promise he seemed to forget on occasion. “I’ve done my best to always be pleasing and obedient.” She swallowed back the torrent of words rushing from her memories of how she’d bent over backward trying to help and please. It hadn’t seemed to make a difference in the long run. She shifted her thoughts to the most promising one—Mother’s admonitions to be quick to obey, eager to help, easy to get along with. “That way,” Mother said, “Harry will always be glad to provide you a home.” When she rejoined Harry, Charlotte vowed he would never have cause to dismiss her.

  Kody lifted his eyebrows and waited as if expecting more explanation, which, she decided, he wouldn’t be getting.

  “You don’t have to walk away. You can try and change things. I envy you your choices.”

  “What’s stopping you from making choices? You’re white and free.”

  “You’re male and free. That gives you choices I’m not allowed. Harry and his family are my only relatives.”

  He snorted. “Why don’t you grow up and admit you’re old enough to move on? Forget Harry. It seems he hasn’t any trouble forgetting you.”

  Anger, so gut level and undeniable, roared through her like a duster with no barrier to break the wind. It sucked at her defenses, left her weak with fear and uncertainty. “He’s not forgotten. I’ll be joining him soon.” She said it out of habit and desperation, unable to contemplate an alternative. But Kody’s words forced her to face the unwelcome truth. Harry had left her behind. He’d easily abandoned her. Where had she failed? Was God really protecting her? Working out things for her good? Questions with no answers, and she didn’t care one bit for Kody constantly poking at this sore spot.

  She sucked in hot, dusty air. She wouldn’t let Kody make this about her. “Sooner or later Star will realize Morning and John aren’t her parents. John said himself people know she isn’t their daughter. After all, a baby doesn’t appear without some warning. And she had those light eyes. Was her mother white?”

  “Half-breed like me.”

  “Can you imagine the questions and doubts Star will have when she figures out the truth? Where is my father? Why doesn’t he care about me? What did I do wrong? As if a baby could be responsible for what an adult does. Poor little girl.” She’d never expressed such vehement feelings before. Good little Charlotte. Always subservient. Always obedient and quiet, exactly like her mother said. Where did all this rage come from? She hardly recognized herself as she rushed on, unable to stem the frenzy of anger-driven words. “Doesn’t she have enough to deal with—her mixed heritage, her crippled foot—without dealing with abandonment?” Her fury spent, she grew silent.

  Kody pulled Sam to a halt, blocking Blackie’s progress.

  “She is better off on a reservation than with me. She will be accepted as an Indian. She would never be accepted as a half-breed in a white world. I forbid you to mention again that I am her father.”

  She sniffed disdainfully.

  He continued to block her escape. “Your word.”

  She struggled with the instinct to comply. Good Charlotte always agreed. Readily. Quickly. Without argument. But good Charlotte seemed to have gone into hiding. “I will agree to no such thing.”

  He reached for the bridle, but she saw his intent to hold her there until she gave in and jerked Blackie to one side, laughing at the surprise on Kody’s face.

  He lunged after her, but slow-moving Blackie astonished them both by sidestepping out of his reach.

  He moved Sam after her. “I will not allow you to cause my daughter—” He stopped. “I will not allow you to cause Star problems. Like you say, she has enough already.”

  “As you kindly pointed out, I know what it’s like to be abandoned. This isn’t the first time I’ve experienced it. And I have to say it doesn’t get easier even when you get older. If there is anything I can say to make you care about Star…”

  “I care about her,” he shouted. “Can’t you see that? Leaving her is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but it’s for her good.”

  She turned and faced him. “Then I guess someone needs to prove to you it isn’t the
best thing for her.”

  He laughed mirthlessly. “Ought to be quite a challenge.” He looked at her steadily as if measuring and assessing, then he flicked the reins and Sam trotted down the road leaving Blackie and Charlotte to suck in his dust.

  Charlotte settled into her slower pace. She’d tried. She could only pray Kody would think about her words. That someone would convince him he was wrong.

  Too bad he planned to head to Canada as soon as he was rid of her. If they had some time together, she might be the one to do it.

  She watched him, relaxed in the saddle, his braids swinging across his shoulders. Even from the back she read his defiance. She figured he challenged the world. No doubt he’d faced prejudice. But running hardly seemed the answer, especially when he had a sweet little daughter to keep him here.

  Thinking of him leaving pinched her stomach as if a pin had come open and jabbed in her gut. He was the only person she knew. Everything else familiar and safe had been taken from her.

  She laughed softly. Only two days ago she hadn’t felt the least bit safe with him. Now she did. She’d miss Kody when he left, and acknowledging it gave her a vacant sensation—a different sort of feeling than the one of the past week as she struggled with missing Harry.

  But how she felt didn’t matter. She had until they reached Favor to convince him to be a father to little Star.

  She nudged Blackie to go faster so she rode at Kody’s side. He glanced at her as she jogged up to him. His eyes narrowed with annoyance and probably a liberal dose of anger. She could hardly expect to win him over if he was mad. So she smiled and said nothing. She’d wait. For now. Just not long. Every step brought them closer to Favor, where he would deliver her to his parents and turn back north.

  After a few minutes, he sighed, and relaxed into his saddle.

  Did he think she’d forgotten the whole thing? Strangely enough, not many days ago she would have, rather than risk offending someone. But she had nothing to lose in this situation. And Star did. Lord, guide me. Give me words that will change his mind.

  Suddenly he grabbed her horse and turned from the trail.

  “What do you think—”

  “Shh.” The urgency in his voice filled her with alarm, and she kicked Blackie to follow Sam into the cluster of trees.

  “Get down,” he whispered, catching her before her feet hit the ground and rushing her behind some rocks.

  He pulled off his hat and slowly peered out. Then he motioned her to keep low and look. She edged over until she glimpsed around the rocks. They were a few yards from joining the main road, and two men slouching on horses headed toward Favor.

  She dropped out of sight and sank to the ground. “Ratface and Shorty,” she whispered.

  “You named them?” He shook his head, no doubt recalling her words that even animals deserved recognition.

  She rolled her eyes to indicate it didn’t mean the same thing.

  He hunkered down beside her. She wasn’t fooled by his relaxed posture. She sensed his alert readiness. She glanced to where he’d hastily tied the horses and wished she’d thought to grab Harry’s rifle. But she dared not move now and give away their hiding place.

  Ratface and Shorty drew closer. She made out their words.

  “We’re gonna find that Injun and his white squaw, and when we do, we’re gonna make them pay.”

  “Something about that woman don’t sit right. Where’d she come from?”

  “She was hiding. Probably didn’t want anyone to see her with a savage.”

  Charlotte held her breath and prayed as never before. If the pair turned this direction, heading for the reservation, they would surely see Kody and her. And if they somehow didn’t, then John, Morning and Star would be at risk.

  Obviously thinking the same thing, Kody leaned forward, preparing to spring into action.

  “Let’s see what we find in this here town first.”

  “Something to drink maybe.”

  “Maybe.”

  Charlotte’s breath eased out as the men continued on the main road.

  Their conversation faded, but neither Kody nor Charlotte moved.

  Finally Kody rose and edged up so he could see past the rock. “They’re gone, but I guess we’ll wait here awhile.”

  “Suits me just fine.” She sucked in a few steadying breaths, then chuckled.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “Shorty’s still wondering where I came from. Scared him good.”

  “You hear the rest of what they said?”

  She knew what he meant, figured he wanted to hear how she felt about it. “About me being a squaw?” She shrugged. “Silly, scared, evil men. Of course they think evil of others. Did you see the horses they’re riding? And the guns? Where do you suppose they got them?”

  “Probably stole ’em.”

  “What if they killed someone?”

  “Not much we can do about it.”

  She sighed. There were far too many things a person couldn’t do anything about.

  Kody sank to the ground beside her.

  There was one thing that could be changed. One thing she might be able to do something about. She prayed again for wisdom to use her words wisely, then began talking as if interested only in passing time. “I was ten when my mother died. Harry is eleven years older than me and as my only living relative, became my guardian. Mother knew she was dying and did her best to prepare me.”

  Kody shifted so he looked into her face. “Hard to prepare a child for such a thing.”

  Charlotte smiled. “Mother did a good job. I knew Harry was stuck with me, and it was up to me to make sure he didn’t regret it.”

  “By being compliant?”

  For some reason she disliked that word, probably because he said it with such contempt. “By helping and being agreeable.”

  He nodded. “Compliant. Submissive.”

  She’d always thought those characteristics highly desirable, but he made them sound less than ashes from yesterday’s fire. She wanted to argue. Totally not a Charlotte reaction. She dismissed the desire and continued with her story, intent on her reason for telling of her hurtful past. “Harry married Nellie when I was barely twelve. I tried so hard to please her. But instead, I only seemed to succeed in making her angry.” She drew in a deep breath. It still hurt to think of that troubled time. “Finally she insisted Harry find me a position somewhere else. He sent me to work for the Applebys.” She tried to keep the bitterness from her voice, tried to stop the memories from hurting. She closed her eyes for a moment. God, help me say what I want to say without having to live those feelings again.

  She opened her eyes, saw Kody watching her carefully and lowered her gaze. Had he seemed sympathetic, understanding? That might serve her well. She looked at him again. His dark eyes were steady, filled with bottomless concern. Something jolted through her in a rush, like a hot wind blowing away debris, sweeping clean the land. She wanted him to understand, to care about what happened to her. Unable to break from this unexpected sensation, she picked up her story. “The Applebys didn’t consider me a part of their family. I served them, then ate my meals alone in the kitchen. I wasn’t allowed to visit with either of the girls, who were around my age.” She stopped, unable to say anything more, unwilling to share her shame at the rest of what happened. “It was the hardest time of my life. I’d lost my mother and now I might as well have lost my brother. I loved him and needed to be with him. I needed to know someone cared about me.”

  Kody grunted. “Seems rather cruel to send you away.”

  She leaned forward, eager to make him see how his case bore similarities. “He had his reasons, just like you think you do. He had a new wife who resented me in her home. I suppose I annoyed her. I know I argued with her a time or two.” She’d quickly learned to avoid doing so, though it seemed very little she did pleased Nellie.

  “Still, he is your brother and guardian.”

  She sat back. “And you are Star’s father. How is it a
ny different?”

  He sighed. “It is. In so many ways. You’re just too wrapped up in your own experiences to be willing to admit it.”

  Charlotte jutted out her jaw. “I suppose you expect her to understand all your very noble reasons?”

  “She’ll never need to know them because—” he grabbed her hand, resolve blazing from his eyes “—because she will never know she has a father other than John.”

  Charlotte pulled her gaze from his demanding stare. She rolled her head back and forth. “She will know someday. It’s inevitable. As is the pain of rejection she will feel.” She faced him squarely, boldly, determination making her voice hard. “You are the only one who can prevent that.” She extricated her fingers from his grasp.

  “You know nothing about what she’ll have to deal with.” He stalked over to the horses, led Blackie to her, helped her up, then jumped on Sam’s back and kicked him into a trot.

  Charlotte followed at Blackie’s slower pace. She’d failed to convince Kody to change his mind. How long before Star realized she wasn’t Morning and John’s daughter? Before someone pointed out the impossibility and began speculating who her parents really were?

  The poor child deserved to be spared the pain of such uncertainty and rejection.

  As Blackie plodded along, Charlotte prayed for a miracle. She saw a town in the distance. Favor. Lord, I’ve about run out of time.

  Kody reined Sam about and trotted to her side. “We’re almost there. You have to promise not to say anything about Star to my ma and pa.”

  Shock like a cold drenching shivered down her skin. “They don’t know they have a granddaughter?”

  “No one knows about Star but Morning and John. And my secret is safe with them.”

  Charlotte stared at him. She realized her mouth hung open and she stiffly closed it. “You can’t—”

  “No. You can’t. You can’t say anything. Give me your word.”

  She narrowed her eyes and met his hard look. Compliant, he’d called her, making it sound like something small and annoying. Well, he was about to find out she could be non-compliant. “I will make no such promise.” The heat of her words surprised her. She didn’t know she had it in her to argue so vehemently.