by N. K. Love
19. Be tied up
20. Watch a porno alone
21. Watch a porno with a partner
22. Do a lap dance
23. Do a strip tease
24. Sexual role-play
25. Make a sex tape
26. Sex outdoors
27. Go to strip show / live sex show
28. Be spanked
29. Hit somebody
30. Kinky sex
Thankfully the anxious look on his face dissolves and is replaced with a growing smile and occasional raised eyebrows. “Don’t tease me please. I’ve grown very fond of my lovely list you know.”
I return his smile and his eyes flick between mine and the screen as he reads and scrolls. “Miss Bethany, should I be feeling used again?” He smirks. “Well I’ve witnessed five of these, so what’s the sixth one?”
“Five?” I work it out in my head. “You saw me kiss Katie?” Jax nods slowly with a wicked grin, obviously recalling the memory. “Oh God. Okay, number 2.” I answer, ashamed at my own pitiful recollection.
“Hold up—so let me get this straight. You’ve been with somebody since writing this, yet all you crossed off was that?” I screw up my face and nod. I know that was totally wasted on Steve. “I’m not knocking you B. Just saying he must’ve been one lucky, ungrateful bastard not to have at least bagged another couple of these bad boys.” Jax studies the screen some more. “So are you planning on giving or receiving number 3?”
“What? Receiving, of course. I’m not bi-curious at all. Sorry if that bursts your filthy little bubble.”
I’m still trying the upbeat approach to lighten the mood but Jax is looking pretty straight-laced, trying to get his head around it I think.
“But your husband did—”
“—yes.” I interrupt, not liking the sound of him referring to Mike and me intimately. But I’m not holding back either. “Not for a l-long long time. You see, my selfish prude of a husband felt that mouths had no place being anywhere near genitalia!” I’m purposely keeping my face straight. Jax is squinting his eyes in disbelief. “So-o, now you have a little more insight as to why I’m so amateurish. It’s extremely difficult when you don’t have a willing participant, not that you’d be able to relate to that. No amount of mental—and trust me, there was a lot—can make up for the distinct lack of physical.” And there goes the upbeat mood I was trying to create. “Sorry, that was probably way too much information. I should’ve just stopped at ‘Yes’... You make it so easy to talk to you. Either that or the vodka—”
“I hope it’s me. I like to have that effect on you. I don’t want you to ever think you have to second-guess, or filter what you say to me. I don’t know why that is but it’s important to me. You already know that I don’t have any trouble speaking my mind around you and I’ve told you before, I’ll always be honest with you.”
“Good, I like that too. That’s how it should be. Unfiltered honesty.”
I hold my hand out and we shake on it. Jax hasn’t taken his piercing eyes off me. For somebody that is so intense, how does he make me feel so relaxed and at home. Something knocks him out of his gaze. He lets go of my hand and diverts his attention back to my phone screen, scanning and scrolling.
“I can’t believe thi—Get stoned?... Make a fucking sex tape?... Beth this is—Kinky sex?” I giggle, finding it funny that he keeps interrupting himself. “Okay, even though this list is such a weird girly thing to do, it is pretty decent B. Not too much craziness, which is surprising considering Willow was behind it.”
He puts my phone back on the table and locks his lethally gorgeous eyes back in to mine, giving me his undivided attention again.
“Look, I totally get it, if this list makes you feel in control and it gives you some sort of permission to explore the world of sex, fine. But what I can’t get my head around is the fact that you have essentially told me you’re sexually not good enough for me—” I nod and shrug but he carries on as I go to speak. “—so now it’s my turn to ask you; what planet are you actually on B?”
His look darkens, gladiatorial style, as he returns my earlier question to him. His eyes work their magic on me, caressing me, as the energy between us shifts. My heartbeat’s pounding in my eardrums, my mouth’s dry. I realise I’m blushing but I don’t know when that happened. The heat from my cheeks slowly spreads all over my body, all over my body. My blood feels cold but my skin is on fire.
Jax is confronting me and I don’t know what to say, I’m lost for words and I shouldn’t be because I’ve thought about my predicament so much that I could write a goddam book about it.
Thankfully, he takes my silence as an invitation to continue.
“Listen, you are more than enough for any man, especially the likes of me. So I don’t know why you’ve put this psychological barrier between us. You sure as hell didn’t look like you were lacking confidence when you danced for me—or with me.” Touché. “Remember what you said the first time we ever spoke? Well ironically, after everything, maybe it’s you that’s judged a book by its cover and because of that—you’ve missed the crucial twist.”
“I’m not sure I’m following you.”
Jax tips his chin up and looks up to the heavens seemingly for inspiration to find the words that’ll make whatever he is trying to say to me clear. Monosyllables would be my preference right now.
“Beth, since we met, I’ve listened to everything that you and your body have—”
“—my body?”
“Y-eah, your body and I talk all the time. Sorry I thought you knew. We’re actually building up a mutual understanding of one another but your head keeps getting in our way.”
“Really Mr Facetious? So you don’t like my head now?” Having a serious conversation with a humorous slant, to take the edge of it, works for me so I’m happy to encourage his playful approach.
“No, I didn’t say that. I happen to think what goes on in your pretty little head is pretty damn amazing—”
“—and Mr Condescending too. Nice touch.”
“It’s only some of its thoughts that I’m not keen on. Let me put it to you bluntly Beth—we shook on it—unfiltered honesty.” I nod and internally tense up. “You’re a passionate woman. I think you show me more than you want to and it freaks you out. I think, for the first time, I make you feel as sexy as you are.” Jax takes my hand in both of his and plays with my fingers but he’s still looking at me. I’m not sure if he’s trying to reinforce his words but my blood no longer feels cold. His touch pacifies me. “You’re not used to feeling in control by behaving uncontrollably so it’s confusing you. I get it. I bring out a different side of you and that freaks you out too. So maybe we’re not that opposite after all.”
“How so?”
I’m so awe-struck by him now that my voice comes out as a wheezy whisper. I want him to elaborate but don’t want to talk too much and risk snapping him out of this seldom spiel because his words ring true and I find his intuitiveness remarkable… not to mention, a major fucking turn on.
“How can you not see what you do to me, even with your clothes on? You bring out a different side in me too. I behave differently around you and not just because I wanna get inside you.”
He flashes me a kilowatt smile and lights me up from the inside. I don’t know how much more I can take. It’s usually his body that stimulates me but his mind is equally as capable. He must know that.
“‘Different’ how?”
It’s out my mouth before I can stop it—unfiltered. I can’t help pressing him for more of his delicious words for me to indulge in.
“Like this.” He squeezes my hand gently. “B, girls don’t play on my mind like you do, have me talking my mind like you do.” I’m watching his hands now. “Look at me… they don’t have me picturing all the ways I want to make them come like you do, have me turning down sex like you do—and they couldn’t satisfy me by letting me satisfy them like you could, if you would let me—”
He takes a
deep breath in, sucking it directly from my lungs because now I’m noticeably breathless, hearing these words... I’m looking back at our hands but now I’m the one squeezing him. “Do you get what I’m saying to you?”
“Mm-huh. You like me like I like you.” He does, he really does, which surely means that he’d never hurt me intentionally.
“Good. Do you trust me?”
I take the hand of his that I’m squeezing, in both of my hands and raise it to my forehead. I look down into my lap, closing my eyes. Am I trying to hide from him? Why am I acting coy now? I nod. I may have paused before answering but it’s a no-brainer.
“Beth, I want you to give me a chance to show you exactly what you’re capable of—” I flicker my eyes open and look up. Our hands on my mouth.
“Stop… Don’t do this Jax.” I’m shaking my head gently.
“—right now, upstairs.”
What kind of a proposition is that? Especially after everything I’ve just told him. Miss Alter Ego is suddenly ready to make up with me after I rejected her and Jax last night…
So he’s thought about different ways to please me? That might be the hottest thing I’ve ever heard him say. He could have just said that and not bothered with the rest, he’s got me hooked—he’s had me hooked from the start—but I’m still apprehensive.
“It depends Jax. You’ve just made more sense out of my situation than I have after endless scrutinizing but I’ve told you how I feel. What if I’m right and I’m not ready? I don’t think—” He interrupts and I automatically bite down on his finger without thinking. I’m not biting hard, just using it to gag myself whilst I process what I might be about to agree to.
“—yeah, there’s an idea! How about you don’t think B. Let’s just go with the flow and see where it takes us? No pressure, no planning.” He can see I’m on the edge of saying yes, so he slowly retrieves his finger from my teeth and puts both of his hands on my bare knees. My mouth is still parted.
Jax runs his thumbs up and down the insides of my legs, massaging, reminding me of how special his touch feels. God he is irresistible. Why am I even wasting my energy fighting a losing battle? I’ve ignored the whispers inside my head telling me that he isn’t just any other man. Maybe it’s time to give those whispers a microphone. I do trust him, I do.
“Beth, this is living in the moment, when it really matters. I know you’re wrong and I need you to know it too. Listen to your instincts, your body. What are they telling you?”
Covering his hands with mine, I suck in a deep breath through my teeth…
“Okay, Fuck It.”
Time to throw caution to the wind and take a leap of faith… A leap of faith in myself…
An ear to ear grin takes over his gorgeous face, giving me a close up of those beautiful pearly whites and I’m already imagining them biting down on my body. Standing up, he hoists me with him. He keeps hold of my hand and heads towards the stairs.
Okay, is this actually happening? This is actually going to freakin’ happen with Jax—yes, Jax—right now. I feel a ball of nervous excitement building inside. I’m going to throw up. No you’re not, drama queen. No I’m not. I’m so glad I’ve not long had a bath.
At the bottom of the staircase he looks at me, trying to read my face. I doubt he can tell I’m thinking about how grateful I am that I’m fresh and shaven and moisturised!
I fill the silence, wondering if perhaps he also needs reassurance that I don’t think he’s taking advantage of me.
“Thank you, in advance. You know, just in case I forget to say it afterwards. I know you’re going to take care of me—oh, not take care of me in that way, well I suppose you are but—”
He smirks. “B, I’ve got you. Nothing’s going to go wrong. Of course I’m going to take care of you, whilst I’m taking care of you.”
Jax plants a fleeting kiss on my lips. If we’re going to do this I’ve got to stop getting flustered and commit to it fully, making the most of whatever is about to happen.
We walk together, one slow step at a time, reinforcing my decision with each climb. I know he is taking his time to send out the message that there’s no rush and to give me ample time to get my head around it.
Physically, I’ve taken small steps with Jax already. I know now that in my own head I’ve not just taken mental steps or even a jog, I feel like I’ve done an entire marathon. I have been overthinking; old habits die hard perhaps. Well it’s time to hang up my running shoes, alongside the rest of my clothes because I’m about to get butt-naked with my gorgeous gladiator.
Jax squeezes my hand as we near the last step.
“No strings though Beth. Agreed?” I think somebody wants some verbal insurance.
Thankfully, now all the apparently boring deep and meaningful conversation is over, my witty mouth makes a grand entrance in perfect timing. Leaning up to his ear on my tiptoes, I whisper “Don’t worry G, I just want you to fuck me, not marry me…”
Thank the heavens for vodka… I can’t help but giggle when his jaw drops and he shakes his head.
Miss Alter Ego, my badass wing woman, has entered the building fashionably late and impeccably prepared. Hallelujah!
Chapter Nine
Monday 13th April 2015
2:37am
Jax
What a fucking night this is turning out to be! An unexpected twist; from porno to this.
All along, that’s what’s been holding her back. How can she feel that she can’t satisfy me, is she absolutely insane? That little fucker she married should have made her feel like a goddess in the bedroom. He should’ve been worshipping her instead of shagging around. No wonder she’s feeling downtrodden and lacking self-confidence.
But she’s got that wild feisty side that betrays her shyness, which I love to see. It makes her even more alluring.
I lead her back to my bedroom. I’ve no idea what’s going to happen but I’m determined to be uncharacteristically attentive and make her realise exactly what she does to me. Now this is totally against my usual protocol, I’ve never even had another girl back to this place, let alone fucked someone in my bed. I meant every word of what I said downstairs and Beth is more than worth making the exception for.
That doesn’t mean to say that it changes my stance on relationships. Nope, not at all. I don’t get emotional with girls, my fuck and forget motto hasn’t failed me yet. It keeps everything simple and I’m not about to compromise everything now. I couldn’t have made it clearer to Beth what I’m about from the start.
From what she’s said tonight, this should be mutually ideal; we both want to fuck each other and we both respect the others’ circumstances. She wants confidence and I’m more than happy to give it to her. No strings.
Beth’s apprehension must be contagious because I feel a wave of anxiety wash over me. I want to be what she needs because she doesn’t deserve to feel like this.
How can something as simple as that concern me? My proven track record is testament to how well I satisfy women in bed… or car parks, or nightclub toilets… I digress. But you know this one’s different Jax, admit it.
Once we’re in my room, I shut the door and move her back up against it. I need to reassure her that she can still feel totally at ease and be herself with me, speak her mind. I take her delicate face in my hands and wait for her eye contact.
In between planting kisses over her face, her neck, her collarbone… I tell her, “Don’t think… Don’t hold back… Don’t stop to wonder what I’ll think… We don’t play like that in here B... Relax… It’s just me…”
Leaning our foreheads together, I close my eyes, breathing her pure angelic innocence in. I get lost in the start of something I already know is going to be amazing, no matter what happens.
I kiss her lips, achingly slowly reintroducing our mouths, which seem to already behave like long lost companions. Beth’s lips feel just as good as before but now there’s no audience. She holds my head and I grab her peach of an ass. Memorie
s of all the times she’s flaunted it for my pleasure flashes before my eyes and then when she was grinding it against my cock when we were dancing the other night. My grip tightens. Our tongues meet again and now we’ve reconnected, I feel her let go of those nerves a little more, as do I.
I let my hands slide up over her peachy ass and under her tee. Reaching up, I undo the clasp I’d fastened just a few hours ago. Still kissing me, she pulls her arms out of each strap and lets the bra fall to the floor from underneath her top.
This is how fucking desirable she looked when she was vexed at me in the hallway. Once I’d realised what was going on, I had to watch the show for a little longer, she was so mad. How she screwed up her angry little freckled face…
Some soul music would set the mood and help me slow it down but I don’t want to block out any sounds that Beth makes. I’m feeding off them, learning from them, savouring them. So exotic and sensual. And we’ve barely begun.
