Caren J. Werlinger - Looking Through Windows

by Caren J. Werlinger

  Laura pulled Emily's shirt gently from her shorts, and slipped her hands underneath, sliding her hands up to her bra. She undid the bra's fasteners and rubbed the skin over Emily's shoulder blades. She gradually brought her hands around to cup Emily's small breasts. A small groan escaped from Emily and her nipples became harder.

  Emily unbuttoned Laura's blouse and slid it from her shoulders. She let her hands wander over Laura's shoulders and arms, feeling the tight muscles. She reached around and undid Laura's bra and let it slide off. Laura lifted Emily's shirt and bra off together. They pulled close, the warm skin of their breasts pressing together, their nipples hard and acutely sensitive. Laura ran her hands inside the waistband of Emily's shorts to the button and fly in front, and undid them. She slid her hands down over Emily's buttocks, squeezing the firm muscles.

  Suddenly, Emily pulled her mouth from Laura's and pressed her forehead into Laura's shoulder. "I'm sorry …" she gasped, "I just can't do this …"

  Laura wrapped her arms around Emily and held her. "Who is she?" she asked gently.

  "Who is who?" Emily pulled away.

  "The reason you can't do this." She put a hand on Emily's shoulder and handed her her shirt, and put her own back on. She got the glasses of wine, and they went out to the balcony to the chairs there.

  "Tell me about her," Laura said.

  Emily took a sip of wine. "Her name is Ann. She's a student I met this semester."

  "Aaaah," Laura said with a smile.

  "No, it's not some cradle-robbing affair," Emily said sheepishly, knowing what it must sound like. "She's twenty-five. She just finished a few years in the Peace Corps. We met in August. She helped me through a rough time a while ago, and in the process I told her about myself."

  "Is she gay?"

  "No," Emily laughed bitterly. "She admitted to me that she's confused about what she's feeling, but last week her old boyfriend showed up for an extended visit, so I guess that will take care of her confusion."

  "Maybe, maybe not," Laura observed. "Something tells me you're not that easy to forget," she said, looking at Emily's unbuttoned shirt. "I don't mean to embarrass you, but you are incredibly hot. How could Ann resist that?"

  "Partly because she doesn't know that side of me. We haven't made love."

  "You're kidding," Laura said, surprised.

  Emily shrugged.

  "So this has been a totally chaste relationship so far?"

  "It's been a friendship I don't want to lose," Emily replied. "I just need to get my feelings under control."

  "Emily, I think you need to let your feelings out, not keep them bottled up," Laura said wisely. She paused for a moment. "This is none of my business, but you were…" she tried to find the right words, "really responsive earlier. How long has it been?"

  "Four years." At that, the sip of wine Laura had just taken sprayed from her mouth.

  "Four years!" She was incredulous. "How could anyone go four years? Especially someone as beautiful as you?"

  Emily looked at her with a sad smile. "My partner died in an accident. It's a long, ugly story. I wasn't even interested in being with someone else until I met Ann." She reached out and laid a hand on Laura's arm. "And I certainly didn't count on meeting someone like you. I'm really sorry about… I didn't mean to play games with you. I thought I could just let myself enjoy being with you."

  "It's all right," Laura said, laying her hand on Emily's. "I had no expectations beyond getting to know you." Her eyebrows rose, and she looked at the portion of Emily's torso exposed by her unbuttoned shirt. "I would have enjoyed getting to know parts of you better…"

  Her irreverent attitude had the desired effect as Emily laughed.

  "Listen," Laura leaned toward Emily, "you're here for the rest of the week, right? I have tomorrow and Thursday off. Why don't I pick you up after your seminars are over, and show you around?" Emily hesitated for a moment. Laura reassured her, "Look, I respect your feelings for Ann, and I admire your integrity. In spite of those character flaws, I like you anyhow, and it would be fun to spend some time with you. No expectations beyond that, I promise."

  Emily relaxed and smiled. "I'd really like that."

  "Good." Laura stood up and the breeze blew her unbuttoned shirt to expose her tanned torso. "I think I'll put myself back together, and go take a long, cold shower."

  Emily laughed as they went back in. Laura put her bra and shirt back on in the customary order, and turned to Emily. "If Ann is too blind to see what she would have in you, I really hope you'll give me a call." She gave Emily a light kiss and left.

  Emily went back to the balcony, breathing in the night air. This had not been an evening she would ever have predicted for herself. Stopping things with Laura had not lessened her need for the physical release of orgasm. She went inside, undressed and lay on the bed in the darkness. As she touched herself, she imagined Ann as her lover. When the orgasms came, they took care of the most immediate need, but she longed to feel Ann's caress, to feel Ann hold her as they fell asleep together. She drifted off to sleep dreaming of Ann.

  Laura was as good as her word. She picked Emily up the next two days, and they roared around in her Miata, visiting deserted beaches. They ran, played tennis, even went snorkeling. In the evenings they changed and ate in different restaurants. Emily felt lighter and fitter than she had in a long time. Her face glowed with a healthy exuberance. Laura never alluded to their first evening together, nor did she attempt any romantic contact. Friday, Emily's last day at the conference, Laura had to work day shift at the hospital, so they agreed to meet that evening for dinner.

  Emily had the afternoon to herself. She went out to the beach adjoining her hotel and stretched out on a towel. She reflected on the events of the week. Laura's attention had been good for her. She genuinely liked her. Her wit and jokes were razor sharp, and she no longer caught Emily by surprise with her off-color humor. Emily suspected Laura would have a hard time being monogamous, but she enjoyed having her as a friend. If Emily had been in a different place in her life, Laura might have been a fun lover.

  When Emily went in to shower and change, she stood looking at her reflection in the mirror. Despite the fact that she wasn't ready to go to bed with Laura, she sheepishly admitted to herself that she wanted her to remember this last evening together. She chose a pale yellow silk tank top, which she wore braless, with dark green linen shorts, which accentuated her narrow hips and lean thighs. She knew she had chosen well when she saw the look in Laura's eyes in the lobby. Laura herself looked beautiful in a blue batik blouse that made her eyes seem shockingly blue, with white rayon pants which clung just enough to suggest the lean contour of her legs and hips.

  "Wow," Laura said as they left the lobby.

  "Wow, yourself," Emily said admiringly. As they settled into the Miata's low seats, she asked, "Could we go to the restaurant we went to the first night?"

  "Sure." Laura smiled and gunned the engine. They got a quiet table at the restaurant, and their waiter, who was obviously gay, took care not to impose on them any more than necessary. Following dinner, they went to the same stretch of beach they had gone to that first night and got out to walk. During the course of the week, Laura had gently pried bits of Emily's story from her.

  "Emily," Laura said as they walked barefoot through the sand, "I've gotten to know you a little better this week, but there's something I don't understand. When you talk about Caroline and everything that happened after her accident, I don't hear any anger. I don't get that; I would have been mad as hell, and I would have let everyone know it."

  Emily walked on a short distance before responding, "What good would it have done to get angry? It was Virginia; I had no legal rights. There was absolutely nothing I could do about it."

  Laura looked over at Emily. "I may really piss you off when I say this, but I think the reason you won't let yourself get angry is because it would mean being angry with Caroline. Ultimately, she was responsible for everything that happened. If
she had really loved you the way it sounds like you loved her, she wouldn't have insisted on keeping your relationship so secret, and she wouldn't have left you so vulnerable to everything her parents did to you." When Emily didn't answer, but just kept walking, Laura decided to press a little further. "You have the right to be angry, Emily." Emily stopped walking and stood with her eyes closed. Laura stepped closer.

  "I just can't," Emily said in a low voice.

  "You will when the time is right." Laura murmured as she wrapped her arms around Emily and held her tightly.

  Laura released her after a moment, and linked her arm through Emily's as they turned around and walked slowly back to the car.

  "Enough of that," Laura said as they strolled, "Does Ann know how you feel about her?"

  "No," Emily replied, grateful for a change of subject. "I just recently realized it myself. But I haven't told her."

  "Look," Laura stopped and Emily turned to face her. "If you care for her this much, isn't she worth fighting for?"

  "It's not that simple." Emily struggled to explain. "I'm not willing to set myself up to fall again for someone who can't handle this lifestyle, including dealing with family." Her face hardened. "I don't think I could go through that again."

  "You shouldn't have to. You should be loved by someone who would love you openly." Laura hesitated and cleared her throat. "I joked the other night about calling me if things didn't work out with Ann. I know we've only known each other for a few days, but I would like to stay in touch."

  Emily placed a hand on Laura's cheek. "You have been so good for me. I haven't felt this unguarded for a long time."

  Laura stepped closer, and they kissed, a long, tender kiss. As they parted, Emily said softly, "I'd better get back.

  Laura released her slowly and they walked back to the car. They drove to the hotel, and Emily gave Laura one last kiss as she got out. "I'll call," she promised, and turned to go inside. The doorman smiled broadly as he opened the door for her then winked at Laura before she pulled away.

  Chapter 22

  "Mrs. Gundlach, I'm home!" Emily called out as she entered the front door Saturday evening, shaking snow from her hair.

  "Ach!" Mrs. Gundlach exclaimed, coming from the kitchen to give Emily a hug. "We have missed you! The house has been so quiet." Greta barked and nearly tripped Emily as she wriggled in for a scratch on the head.

  "I missed you, too." Emily smiled.

  "Look at you! You are brown like a nut. You must have had a good time."

  "I did. I'll tell you all about it." Emily took her bag upstairs. She paused to look at Caroline's painting, lightly touching the canvas.

  She bounced down the stairs and joined Mrs. Gundlach in the kitchen. "So, you had a good time?" Mrs. Gundlach asked as she peeled potatoes.

  Emily nodded. "It was a good week," she said, picking a knife out of the drawer to help with the potatoes.

  Mrs. Gundlach looked over at her. "Did you get the message that Ann called you before you left?"

  Emily concentrated on her potato. "Yes, but I didn't have a chance to call her."

  "Why don't you invite her over for dinner?" Mrs. Gundlach suggested. "Papa and I would love to see her."

  "I'm not sure she's available this weekend," Emily started to protest until she saw how closely Mrs. Gundlach was watching her, "but I'll call and see."

  She took a deep breath as she dialed Ann's number. Her heart was beating fast as she heard Ann's voice answer.

  "Hi there," Emily said, trying to sound casual.

  "Emily!" The warmth in Ann's voice caught Emily off-guard. "When did you get back?"

  "Just now. We were wondering if you'd like to come over for dinner."

  "I'd love to. I'll be there in a few minutes."

  Emily resumed her potato peeling and casually said, "She's coming over." Mrs. Gundlach smiled.

  Within a few minutes the doorbell rang. Emily opened the door and was left breathless at the sight of Ann's beautiful smile.

  "It's good to have you back," Ann said as she stepped inside and gave Emily a long hug. Emily held her tightly in return, inhaling her perfume.

  As Ann stepped back and looked at Emily, she exclaimed, "Look at your tan! You look great." There was an intensity in her eyes that made Emily's stomach flutter.

  Emily suddenly realized something was missing. "Hey, where are your crutches? Are you allowed to walk without them already?"

  "Don't need them anymore," Ann said as she took off her coat.

  They went into the kitchen where Mrs. Gundlach gave Ann a hug in welcome.

  "Papa!" she said as he came in the back door, "Look who's home!"

  "Miss Emily, we were lonely without you," he said, his blue eyes twinkling. "And Miss Ann, it's good to see you again, and no crutches I see."

  Ann and Mr. Gundlach set the kitchen table as Mrs. Gundlach and Emily finished the meal. Mr. Gundlach quickly built a fire in the kitchen fireplace, its cheery crackle adding background noise as they sat to eat.

  Most of the conversation was initially provided by Emily as the others wanted to hear about her week. She talked about the conferences she had attended and how much she had enjoyed the beach and the sunsets. "I also made a new friend," she added, keeping her eyes on her pork chop. "She showed me around and introduced me to some of her friends. It was nice to have people to spend the evenings with." Cursing herself, she felt her face and neck blushing. She looked up to see Ann watching her with the same intensity she had noticed earlier. She deftly changed the focus of conversation by asking Mr. Gundlach about the animals. She was glad to divert her attention to the Gundlachs as they chatted animatedly.

  Later, as Ann washed the dishes and Emily dried, Emily worked up the courage to ask, "So when did Paul leave?"

  "He left Monday evening, the day we had lunch," Ann replied.

  "Really?" Emily stopped and looked over at her. "I had the impression he intended to stay a few days longer."

  Ann shrugged. "I guess he changed his mind."

  "Is everything okay between you two?" Emily asked.

  "Yes," Ann said, looking up at Emily. "It's just that things are different between us now."

  "Different how?"

  Ann turned her attention back to the plate in her hand. "I just don't feel the same way about him, that's all."

  Emily felt like shouting, but restrained herself.

  "Tell me about the person you met in Florida," Ann said quietly.

  Emily quickly considered how much to tell Ann, but decided she had to be honest. Whatever happened with Ann had to be based on complete openness with one another. "Her name is Laura. She's a physician assistant, and lives in Tampa." Emily paused, not sure where to go with this.

  "What does she look like?" Ann asked, still keeping her eyes down.

  "Blonde short hair, tanned, athletic. She's attractive," Emily answered truthfully. She wasn't sure why Ann was so curious about this.

  Ann tried to keep her tone light as she asked, "So, is this becoming something serious?" Although she told herself it didn't really matter, her stomach felt as if someone had punched it.

  Emily put down the bowl she was drying and said, "Come sit down with me for a few minutes." Ann dried her hands, and joined Emily at the table. They sat facing the fire, both of them staring at the flames.

  Emily explained, "Laura's initial contact with me was an obvious pickup. She came to my table, flirted with me and asked me out." She paused for a moment. "I wanted to just have fun with someone I wouldn't have to see again. I wanted to let go and not worry about falling in love. And part of me really wanted to have sex." Ann couldn't help but smile. Emily continued, "Laura was attractive and attentive and fun to be with. We had dinner and danced; we went for walks on the beach. And she indicated that she was willing to provide the sex." Emily took a deep breath. "But when it came down to really letting go with her, I couldn't do it."

  There was a long silence.

  "Because of Caroline?" Ann asked.
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  "No, Ann." Emily closed her eyes. "Because of you." She finished barely above a whisper.

  Ann's heart felt as if it would burst. She started to reach out to take Emily's hand, but stopped, afraid. She looked at Emily's beautiful profile, and remembered her whispered words, "I love you." Her fear melted away, and she placed her hand over Emily's. Emily's eyes fluttered open and looked down unbelievingly at Ann's long fingers wrapped around hers. She lifted her eyes to Ann's and was almost knocked over by the intense blueness.

  Emily recalled Laura's advice to tell Ann how she felt. She took another deep breath, and turned back to the fire. "Ann, I want to tell you something and I want you to listen and not say anything." She paused to find the right words. "When Caroline died, I felt nothing beyond my pain. It filled me completely. Eventually, I became numb. That was how I coped and how I've lived the past four years. Not until I met you did I have the slightest desire to open the door to even a deep friendship. The thought of falling in love again had never entered my mind."