Ann could hear Emily breathing. Her own heart was pounding so hard it hurt.
"Would you understand if I asked you to wait there?" Emily asked so softly that Ann had to strain to hear. "I know it's asking a lot, more than I have any right to. I've got five weeks of chemo left, and then I'll be able to come to you."
"Five weeks?" Ann felt her disappointment more keenly than she would have expected. "I'll wait. But –"
"I promise you, I will call you if anything changes," Emily said, reading her mind.
"All right."
"Ann? The flowers and your note… when I told you before they meant a lot… they meant everything… you mean everything to me."
"I love you, Emily."
Chapter 65
Emily's heart was pounding. The door to the room opened, and John, the prosthetist, walked in with her leg.
"Well, let's see how this fits," he said as he folded his long, lanky frame into a crouch in front of her chair. He held the prosthetic foot still on the floor as he instructed Emily in how to fit her thigh into the socket. He had her stand in the parallel bars with a loose elastic wrap spiraled around her limb and threaded through a small hole in the bottom of the socket. Putting weight on the prosthesis, she pushed her thigh down into the socket as she pulled the elastic wrap out through the hole, so that it pulled her all the way in with no skin caught along the edges. When the little valve cover was screwed back into the hole at the bottom of the socket, a suction seal was formed.
Emily picked the leg up, swinging it, getting used to the weight.
"Remember," John said, "this leg is only temporary as you learn how to walk with it, so the pipe will be exposed until you get your final leg."
"That's not a problem, as long as I'm able to walk," she assured him.
"Let's have you try a few steps," John said.
After a few laps up and down the bars, he made some adjustments in the alignment and then had her take the leg off to check her skin for any sore spots. Everything looked good. John put the leg into a large plastic bag and went to verify her appointment with her physical therapist to actually begin her training.
While she waited, she stared at her reflection in the full length mirror set at the end of the bars. She didn't recognize the person sitting down there. With only a few wispy curls left, she wore a baseball cap all the time lately. Her weight loss had leveled off now that the chemo was no longer making her so sick, but her cheeks were hollowed out and her eyes seemed to be set a little deeper.
John returned and walked her out to her car, putting the leg in the back seat. "Good luck," he said with a smile as he closed the door. Emily put the car in gear and smiled her thanks. Driving home, she felt like she was finally beginning her journey back to Ann.
Chapter 66
"You're sure you can afford to take a break?" Ann asked as Cris descended the stairs from her apartment and they walked downtown.
"I'll go nuts if I don't take a break," Cris laughed. "I don't know what I was thinking, teaching a summer creative writing course. The apartment is littered with papers I haven't read yet. It's a good thing Maggie went home. I don't think there's room for her in the apartment right now."
They had dinner and decided to go to a movie. Halfway through the film, Cris looked over at Ann in the strobing light reflected by the movie screen. While the rest of the audience sat tensely through a dramatic rescue scene, Ann was staring at the back of the seat in front of her.
"Let's go," Cris suggested, leaning close so Ann could hear her whisper.
Ann looked at her, startled out of her reverie. "No, we don't have to leave," she whispered apologetically, but Cris was already standing up. Ann followed. "I'm sorry," she apologized again once they were outside on Weston's Main street. The summer night was comfortably warm after the air conditioning inside.
"Let's get a coffee and go for a walk," Cris smiled, pointing toward a small coffee shop across the street.
Coffees in hand, they strolled down the sidewalk silently. Without Ann really paying attention to where they were going, Cris steered her toward the park and over to a bench in a quiet area, although most of the park was empty as it was after ten.
Cris sat, sipping her coffee, waiting.
"I'm not very good company lately, am I?" Ann said at last, glancing sideways at Cris.
"You've been… a bit distracted the last couple of weeks," Cris acknowledged, "ever since you and Emily talked."
"It's just been harder than I expected, knowing that she's back and not seeing her."
"And?"
"And what?" Ann asked, looking at Cris.
Cris gazed at Ann with the intuitive understanding Ann had come to expect from her, almost as if she could read Ann's thoughts. "You haven't really said how it made you feel to be asked to wait. You've only talked about how Emily is doing."
Ann broke eye contact, frowning at her coffee cup as she played with the sliding cover on the lid. "I'm trying to be patient. We've waited this long."
"But how do you feel about it?" Cris pressed.
"It hurts," Ann admitted in a low voice. "I want to be with her so much, and it seems she doesn't feel the same way, despite what she said." She ran her hand through her hair. "I just don't know. We haven't been together for months. Am I romanticizing what we had to such an extent that my expectations are unrealistic?"
Cris didn't respond right away. "That's not an easy question to answer, and it will only be answered in hindsight," she said thoughtfully. "In a few months, you are either going to look like an incredibly loyal, faithful person who knew that what you had was worth waiting for, or you will look like a fool for waiting for someone who never came back to you."
Whatever Ann might have expected Cris to say, this wasn't it. She laughed in disbelief. "Thanks a lot."
"Don't misunderstand me," Cris said quietly. "I can think of lots of worse ways of looking like a fool. Like staying with someone because it feels like the safe thing to do, not the right thing to do. Or staying with someone who is never going to love you with the depth and intensity that you've come to realize you need from a relationship."
Ann stared at her. "Cris," she asked hesitantly, "are you okay? Have I been intruding on you and Maggie too much? Have I interfered –"
"No," Cris said firmly. "Not the way you mean." She looked at Ann for a long moment. "I could fall in love with you very easily. I've come to admire and appreciate many things about you." She diverted her gaze out into the park. "But, in getting to know you, I have also come to realize that there are things I need from a relationship that just aren't there with Maggie. And I think she's realizing it, too." She sighed. "I would give – a leg?" she joked with a small smile, "for someone to speak of me the way you speak of Emily, to be willing to go through everything you've gone through for the hope that we could be together again. For someone to love me that much."
Ann didn't know what to say in the awkward silence that ensued.
"I'm sorry if I've embarrassed you," Cris said.
"You haven't embarrassed me, Cris," Ann said softly. "I'm just not sure what to do with what you told me," she admitted honestly.
"I don't want you to do anything with it," Cris smiled, meeting her gaze again, "I just wanted you to know how deeply I empathize with what you're going through, and how much I admire your refusal to give up."
"Right now, I wish I had your confidence that this will work out," Ann admitted. "You make me sound like some kind of saint, but I'll tell you… I've got all kinds of doubts. Why doesn't she want to be with me during such a critical time of her life? Why is she shutting me out?" Ann asked in frustration, her voice cracking a little.
Cris watched Ann's profile as she responded. "I can only guess based on what you've told us about Emily and her past, but I think she wants you with her more than anything in the world. She just doesn't trust you."
Ann's head snapped up. "Why would she not trust me? I haven't done anything –"
"It's not you," Cr
is corrected gently. "She won't let herself trust you."
"Why?" Ann asked helplessly.
"The last person she trusted that much abandoned her, left her alone and helpless in the face of events so cruel I can't imagine how she got through it by herself," Cris explained. "She fell in love with you, but just as she was probably beginning to trust you, you seemed to abandon her also, or so she thought when she went to Europe. Considering everything that's happened since then, what is there that would possibly make her feel it's safe to put her heart in your hands? She's more vulnerable than she's ever been, at least physically. Maybe she knows better than this now, after seeing her didn't scare you away, but can you imagine how frightening it would be to let someone you love, but have no history with, see you like that and take the chance she'd run the other way? It sounds as if Caroline called all the shots the last time. If I were Emily, no matter how much I wanted to be with you, I might feel the need to maintain whatever little bit of control I could. "
Ann thought about this for a long time. "I hadn't really thought about it like that," she admitted.
Cris reached over and squeezed her hand. "Be patient with her. It's only two or three more weeks."
Chapter 67
Emily stood leaning against her dresser, putting her leg on. Once she was in and the suction felt snug, she pulled up a pair of shorts. Taking a deep breath, she gripped her cane in her right hand and took her first steps completely on her own. For the past two weeks she had been practicing in physical therapy, trying stairs and outdoor obstacles like curbs and hills. Now she needed to start wearing the leg for longer periods of time. She was still very thin, and she hadn't realized how much the chemo had weakened her. She had had to build her endurance up slowly with the prosthesis. Some sessions were short when she was feeling sick from the chemo treatments.
She walked out to the kitchen to join her parents for breakfast. Remembering to pull back on the socket with her butt muscles to keep the knee stable, she made her entrance.
"Emily!" her mother exclaimed. "How wonderful!"
Emily grinned and hugged her mother. Robert, watching from the kitchen table, said, "I haven't seen you smile like that since I took the training wheels off your bike and you realized I wasn't holding on anymore."
Emily laughed aloud. "I guess that's how I feel, like I just got rid of my training wheels."
Elizabeth and her children, David and Cassie, came in the back door. During the summer, since both Robert and Maureen had the summers off, many mornings became leisurely times to visit and spend time with grandparents.
"Hey, look," Emily said and walked over to them.
"Way to go, Auntie Em!" David enjoyed teasing his aunt, knowing she hated to be called by that nickname. Emily snatched his baseball cap off his head before he could react and held it out of his reach.
"What was that, Davey?" she teased back.
He stood with his hands on his hips, looking much older than his ten years, and said, "You win, Aunt Emily." She gave him his cap and hugged her sister.
"You look great," Elizabeth said.
Cassie hung back, and made a wide circle around Emily.
"What's the matter, Cass?" Emily asked the eight-year-old as she sat at the table.
Cassie stood near her grandmother and shrugged, but said nothing. Taking a different approach, Emily turned back to David and tapped the pylon connecting her knee to her foot.
"Listen, David, you know what that's made of?" He shook his head as he flicked his finger against the pipe. "It's carbon fiber. It'll never rust and it's really light. Watch this."
She pushed a button, and the pipe swung sideways so she could rest the prosthetic foot on top of her other knee.
"Cool!" He was clearly impressed.
Cassie edged over to the table, ignored by the adults. She worked her way around until she could see. The adults carried on their conversation, and soon Cassie was sitting on Emily's right thigh staring curiously at the prosthesis. Emily showed her where the button was that allowed the knee to rotate.
Looking at Cassie's blonde curls and long eyelashes, Emily was struck with a profound sense of gratitude for her family's support through all this. Ever since her outburst during Katharine and Owen's visit, she had felt cleansed, as if she were recovering from something that had been poisoning her. She had found herself enjoying being with her family more than she could remember since she was very young. She regretted having isolated herself from them for so long.
David soon got restless and was delighted when Emily asked him if he wanted to play catch. He ran to dig up two baseball mitts and a ball from the sports bin in his grandparents' garage.
They went into the backyard and Emily dropped the cane where she could reach it. David had a good arm and he was able to handle some fast throws from Emily. She experimented with stepping forward into the throw and found that the knee wanted to buckle. She flipped the lever which was supposed to lock the knee to keep it from bending, and felt much more stable.
She threw fly balls and grounders until she had tired David out. As they turned to go back in, Emily tried to swing the prosthesis forward and suddenly found herself on the ground. David was terrified, as were the others who came running out of the house. Emily lay there laughing at herself.
"It's my fault," she explained after assuring them she was unhurt. "I forgot to unlock the knee and my toe got caught in the grass."
She waved them back, saying she wanted to get up by herself. From her hands and knees, she straightened her right knee with her rearend sticking up in the air, and walked her hands back towards her feet until she could stand. Flipping the lever back to its normal position, she mumbled, "I sure won't make that mistake again."
As they went back inside, Elizabeth mentioned that she was taking the kids to the pool and asked if Emily wanted to go along. Emily hurried to put her swimsuit and some other things in her gym bag. It felt like ages since she had done normal things that didn't revolve around her weekly chemo schedule.
She and Elizabeth spent the day talking, playing with the kids and soaking up sunshine. Weak as she still was, Emily felt stronger and healthier than she had in months, even before the amputation. She hadn't realized how much pain she had been in until it was gone.
That evening, she looked at herself in the mirror. She looked tired but jubilant, with a tan starting to replace her pallor. She took off her baseball cap. "Now if the damned hair would just grow back," she growled.
Chapter 68
'What a difference a year makes,' Emily thought from the back seat of her parents' car. It was mid-July, almost a year from when she had first come to Weston. She looked over at the prosthesis lying on the seat next to her. It had taken her several days after her last chemo treatment to feel strong enough for the move back to Vermont.
The last three days of chemo had seemed to drag on forever. By now, she was prepared for the fatigue and listlessness that accompanied the treatment, but she was so happy to be at the end of the longest twelve weeks of her life that she hardly noticed.
Dr. Hall had come in to check on her. Inspecting the IV, she said, "Well, Emily, your bloodwork all looks good, and your last bone scan shows no abnormal activity. Are you ready to leave us?"
"Oh my gosh, you have no idea," Emily responded emphatically. "I truly appreciate all you've done, but I am so ready to be done with this."
Dr. Hall smiled. "I don't blame you. What are your plans?"
"I'll be going back to Vermont as soon as I feel strong enough."
"Ann?" Dr. Hall asked, although she knew the answer.
Emily laughed out loud. "Ann. I've kept her waiting so long. I can't wait to see her."
Dr. Hall pulled a chair up next to Emily's bed. "I do want to talk to you before we discharge you," she said seriously. Emily shifted in bed to better face her. "When Dr. Schuler first contacted me, he was concerned that you were not exhibiting the typical grieving responses we would expect from someone who had experienced such a
traumatic loss. As I got to know you a bit better, and learned more of your past from your parents, I developed a better appreciation for how strong a person you are." Her sharp eyes probed Emily's. "But, as we saw following Ann's visit, there are limits to what even you can handle on your own. I would seriously like for you to consider getting some counseling. There's a lot you haven't yet had a chance to face: returning to work and school, the day to day difficulties you'll face living in your own place, actually being with Ann. I'm just concerned that you may not be as okay as you seem."
Emily looked down at her hands. "I do tend to work through my problems internally, and that has gotten me in trouble at times. I know there's still a lot to deal with, and there will probably be times when it hits me unexpectedly. I haven't detached myself from all of this. I'm angry... but that doesn't change my reality, does it?" she asked, looking back up at Dr. Hall. "I will think about seeing someone." She paused for a few seconds. "'Thank you' seems so inadequate when you did so much more than treat my cancer. Would it be all right if I stayed in touch with you?"
Caren J. Werlinger - Looking Through Windows Page 24
