Once dressed, I checked out of the motel and sat in my car, having no idea where I was headed. I hadn’t thought of a plan past the parking lot, but I was determined to make a change.
I started my car and headed toward the nearest Target.
I had my new carry-on bag filled with new clothes, more tiny toiletries, a few pairs of comfortable shoes, and a paperback book I’d grabbed when the cover caught my eye, and I was near a panic attack.
I was standing in front of a giant screen, taller than I was, listing all the flights leaving the Portland International Airport that day. My mind reeled, trying to pinpoint a destination. It shouldn’t have been a big deal, shouldn’t have been the monumental decision my mind was forcing it to be. I knew I needed to leave, to get away, but I couldn’t nail a location down. Anywhere was better than here. My mind wanted to attach a bigger meaning to wherever I ended up, like I should be going someplace that would scream independence and a new start, but some other part of me also wanted adventure and excitement. I wanted to go someplace I’d never been, to hopefully start living a life I’d never lived.
Unfortunately, at the moment, anywhere international was out of the question since, as I’d run from the house, I’d not thought to grab my passport. That left only domestic destinations until I could get a new one.
I had my driver’s license and twenty thousand dollars. Hawaii suddenly sounded like the perfect place to start a new life.
Just thirty minutes later, I was booked on a flight and waiting at my gate. I pulled my phone out of my purse and turned it on, ignoring the influx of messages I’d ignored for four days. I did, however, send one. To Sam.
**Hey. I just wanted to let you know I am okay, but I’m not going to be around for a while. I can’t tell you much more, but I’ll be in contact.**
I hit send and my heart broke a little because I couldn’t tell her everything I wanted to, couldn’t tell her what happened with Derrek, what happened with Preston, and why I was leaving. And I knew she’d freak out at my vague text. But I also knew she couldn’t be the one person who knew where I was – I couldn’t do that to her. The less she knew, the better.
**I’ll text you in a few days when things have settled down. Just know I’m okay and I love you. **
I saw a new text arrive from her, but I couldn’t bring myself to open it, knowing it would just be questions I couldn’t answer. So I walked to a garbage can and threw the phone away. I was officially and absolutely cut off from my old life entirely. And even though I was glad some parts were over and gone, other parts, I knew, would haunt me for a very long time. Even an ocean couldn’t make me forget the things my heart wanted to hold onto. But I was hoping warm sand, beautiful sights, and a new life would help me heal and move forward.
Chapter Two
It had been three weeks since I boarded that plane to Hawaii, and even though I was far from healed, I was at least starting to put the pieces back together.
I’d never been to Hawaii before and so when I’d gotten off the plane in Maui, I’d had no idea where to start. First, I asked my cab driver to take me to the beach. When I’d first set foot on the beautiful sand, I’d taken my first deep breath in days. I could feel the air seep into my lungs, offering something I’d been lacking for years – life. I was breathing in new life.
After I’d sat on the beach for an hour or two, I walked until I found a motel that looked safe and inexpensive. I was smart enough to know Hawaii was expensive, but I also knew if I didn’t watch my money, it would be gone long before I’d accomplished my task of, well, finding a new life.
Luckily, the motel had vacancies and wasn’t too pricey. I paid upfront for a whole week and then asked the woman helping me where the best place to buy some groceries would be, and how to take the bus to get there.
“You’re all by yourself?” the woman asked, hesitantly. She was a round woman, probably in her fifties, and I assumed she was a native as she looked everything like a born and raised Hawaiian woman would look in my mind. She was soft and warm and beautiful. Her dark hair was flowing freely around her shoulders, graced with just a few strands of silver laced throughout. Admittedly, if she’d been a man and asked me the same question, I would have lied and made up a story about my husband waiting in the car, but something about this woman left me feeling like she couldn’t hurt a fly if she tried.
“Yes. This is sort of an unexpected trip.”
“What brings a girl as pretty as you to the island all alone? Surely there’s someone who wants to keep you company.”
I couldn’t even bring myself to think of a lie for her, something to assure her I wasn’t as lonely and pathetic as she was trying not to see me as.
“Nope. No one wants to keep me company.”
She gave me a sad look, but then directed me to a small grocery store and told me which bus I could take to get there.
“If you ever need anything, I live just on the second floor in room thirty. If I’m not here, I’m usually there.” She paused, giving me an encouraging look. “I’m a real good listener, if you ever need to talk.”
I smiled at her because what she was offering was sweet. I held my hand out to her. “My name’s Lena.”
“I’m Rose,” she answered with a wider smile.
“It’s nice to meet you,” I said as I let go of her hand. “And thanks for the directions.”
“Anytime,” she replied, and I got the feeling she wasn’t only talking about the directions.
This room was nicer than the one I’d gotten in Portland. I put my bag down on the bed and flipped on the lights in the attached bathroom. I saw my reflection in the mirror and instantly knew why Rose had seemed concerned about me. I looked just as torn up on the outside as I felt on the inside.
There were dark, plump bags under my eyes. My hair was in disarray, tumbled on top of my head in a dark nest of tangles and knots. My skin was pale, nearly gray. In other words, I looked like shit. I sighed at my appearance, but knew there was nothing more to do about it than sleep and eat.
Feeling more gross than anything, I hopped in the shower, hoping to wash away the grime of a day’s worth of traveling. When I emerged from the shower, I didn’t feel much better, but I looked it. The sun had set, and after a yawn, I decided it would be better to explore the island tomorrow in daylight than try to navigate a new area in the dark.
I flipped off all the lights and crawled into the queen sized bed, but only curled up on one side. I closed my eyes and tried to empty my brain, but just like the last few nights I’d spent by myself, my mind decided to torture me with images and memories of Preston. It was a nightly battle between my head and my heart. My heart remembered his touch, his words, and his body. I rolled back and forth, trying to get comfortable while I pictured Preston above me, slowly pumping in and out, while whispering sweet words of love and promises of a future together. My brain ached with the sound of Derrek’s words floating around my head. Preston was hired by Derrek to ruin my life – and he’d succeeded.
Still, I didn’t cry. I never let go of the control of my body, except for the tears that still slid silently down my face. That was something I couldn’t control. In the dark, tears spilled. But I managed to keep it to that – just tears. No sobs. No hiccups. No wailing. I needed to keep something for myself, and control was the only thing I had left. I would give no more of my body to a man who hadn’t wanted it to begin with.
For three weeks this had been my nightly routine: Go to bed with the intention of shutting my brain down, then give in to the relentless flooding of memories of Preston. I hated it, but I think I loved it more. It was sadistic and completely debilitating. Every morning I looked like I hadn’t slept a wink, and in truth, I wasn’t sleeping much.
But today I needed to look better than I felt. Today I had a job interview with a prominent marketing firm on the island. It was an entry-level position. I would be starting from the bottom and working my way up, but for once that was going to be a relief. Never had
I worked for much of anything. I’d had a lot of things handed to me, and I was through with handouts. I wanted this job, but mostly because it would be the first thing I’d ever earned.
I took the bus downtown, dressed in the nicest outfit I’d purchased since I’d been on the island; something I bought especially for the occasion. I felt confident and attractive, and hoped I looked competent and approachable. I watched the amazing scenery pass by my window, still in awe of the beauty the Hawaiian Islands offered. It was, by far, the most breathtaking place I’d ever been.
The bus dropped me off at a stop just blocks from the building which housed the firm. The walk allowed me to work out some of my last minute jitters. I hadn’t been through a job interview since I was just out of college, so I was hoping my skills were still intact and just lying dormant, waiting for the right moment to show themselves again.
Luckily, the woman I interviewed with seemed to take to me from the very instant we met, and forty-five minutes into my interview, I found myself shaking hands with the human resources manager and accepting a job offer.
I should have been ecstatic. I should have been overjoyed. And even though I was happy and a bit relieved, I couldn’t grab a hold of the joy that was just out of my reach. The sorrow was still too thick to wade through and it clouded everything that might have brought me a smile in the past. When someone gets a new job, one they desperately need, excitement should be immediate. But I was morose.
With one giant “To-Do” ticked off my list, I settled into a large and comfortable recliner at the nearest coffee shop to browse the housing ads in the local newspaper. With an iced mocha by my side, I let out a sigh, and prepared myself for what I had always heard was an expensive housing market.
I did a general sweep first, looking at one-bedroom apartments or rentals, finding the results to be a little intimidating. I still had plenty of money saved from what I walked away with, but I wanted to be smart with my money, especially since I wouldn’t be seeing a paycheck for at least another month.
“Excuse me,” I heard a female voice say, and turned to see a woman looking at me with a pleasant smile on her face. “Hi,” she said cautiously. “I couldn’t help but notice you were looking at the ads for apartments.”
I looked down at my newspaper with big, dark circles around the apartment listings I’d found. “Uh, yeah,” I answered hesitantly.
“Oh, my gosh,” she exclaimed, taking the chair right next to mine and setting her oversized purse on the ground next to her feet. “Isn’t it ridiculous how much they want for a tiny little studio apartment? I mean, I knew Hawaii was going to be expensive, but I wasn’t prepared for this kind of expensive, ya know?” She looked at me expectantly as she took a sip from her drink.
I nodded. “I agree, it is a little outrageous.” I smiled at her because it seemed like the polite thing to do, but I wasn’t sure what else to say, so I just went back to looking at my newspaper.
“Where abouts are you looking to move?”
“Um,” I put my pen down, relenting to the fact that we were going to have a conversation. “I’m not sold on any particular area, just someplace not too far from my job since I’ll be taking the bus for the foreseeable future.”
“That’s smart,” she said, nodding. “I’m not looking in one area specifically either, just trying to find something I can afford.” She paused, sipping again through her straw. “Where are you staying now?”
“In a motel.”
“Oh, my gosh, me too! Isn’t it horrible? The place I’m staying is decent, but I’m tired of sleeping in someone else’s bed.”
“I am too.”
“I’m staying at a little motel not far from here. But the woman who runs it is so sweet. Her name’s Rose and she has nearly become my surrogate mom since I got here.”
My ears perked up at the mention of Rose. “You mean Rose at the Sea Breeze Motel?”
“Yes! Oh, my gosh, you know Rose?” she said excitedly.
I laughed. “I’m staying there too, and she is like a surrogate mother.” I smiled now, a sincere smile, because Rose really was a lifesaver. She had come to check on me multiple times during the first two weeks I was there, making sure I wasn’t wallowing all the time. Even though I’d never told her the reason I’d come to the island, she had been able to figure out it had to do with a man. She’d given me all the advice I’d expect a mother to give, although, Rose wasn’t a mother.
“How funny. How long have you been there? I haven’t seen you around.”
“Oh,” I said, waving a hand in the air, trying to dismiss her question, “I haven’t been very social. I’m a ‘stay in my room and watch reruns of Friends kind of girl.”
“You sound like my kind of gal!” She held her hand out to me saying, “I’m Becky. I came here all the way from the East Coast in need of a serious change of scenery.”
I shook her hand, still smiling, as Becky admittedly grew on me. “My name’s Lena.”
“Oh, pretty name! Is it European?”
“Russian, actually, on my father’s side. My mother was Italian.”
“Well, that explains why you’re so pretty,” she said with so much earnest. All I could do was mirror her smile. For just one tiny moment, her friendliness and openness made me forget everything bad that had brought me here. She was smiling and I was smiling, and an actual laugh bubbled up. An honest-to-goodness laugh. She was a breath of fresh air.
“Thank you, that’s very sweet.”
Becky’s gaze on me was almost unnerving; it was so innocent. She looked as though she’d found a new best friend in me, like I was her newest shiny toy.
“Do you want to ride back to the motel with me?” Becky’s eyes were soft and questioning, and I couldn’t help but think that after everything that had happened in the last couple of weeks, a friend was something I shouldn’t turn away.
“Sure,” I replied, glad to have someone to share the ride with.
We talked non-stop all the way back to the motel. I learned Becky was very close to my age, only older by a bit. We shared a passion for cooking, even if we both couldn’t find the time to indulge. And since we both lived in a motel, cooking wasn’t really an option.
Becky was friendly, bubbly, and an excellent listener. In fact, she listened almost as well as she chatted, and she was a chatter. When she spoke, it was nearly at hyper speed, as if she were afraid the words would melt away before she got a chance to speak them.
When we came to our stop, we didn’t stop talking, just walked side-by-side all the way to the motel, ending up right in front of my door.
“Thanks for riding back with me,” Becky said. “Room number six, huh? I’m in twenty-two, upstairs. I’d invite you up, but I’m pretty beat. Long day.”
“Me too. Thanks, though, for introducing yourself. I haven’t enjoyed myself this much in weeks.”
“Well, what are you doing tomorrow? Want to hunt for apartments together? It would be better than doing it all alone.” She looked hopeful and I honestly thought it would be much better to hunt for a place to live with Becky than alone.
“Sure. That sounds great. Wanna meet out here at, like, ten?”
Her mouth pulled up into a beautiful smile. “Sounds like a plan. See you later.” She turned and I watched as she disappeared around a corner. I heard her footsteps up the stairs, and just took a moment to reflect, staring out at the beautiful scenery around me.
Today had been a good day. The first I’d had in weeks. Without provocation and for my own reasons, a smile spread across my face.
Instead of going into my room, I turned and headed for the sidewalk, leading toward a convenience store only a block away.
With the excitement taking over, I walked in and went straight for the counter, knowing the pre-paid cell phones hung on pegs right below. I’d eyed them before, knowing eventually I’d need one, but before now I couldn’t bring myself to purchase one. I wasn’t ready to talk to anyone, didn’t know what I would say. But to
day I wanted to talk to my best friend.
I picked out a simple phone and paid, then nearly jogged back to my room. I opened the package and followed the directions for activation, and when the screen lit up, my heart sped up as well. I dialed her number carefully, making sure I hit all the right numbers, and then I put the phone to my ear, breathing rapidly.
After a few rings, I heard her voice and my smile grew tenfold.
“Hello?” She was confused by the unknown number, I assumed. I took a deep breath and responded.
“Hey, Sam,” I whispered.
“Who…? Lena? Is that you?”
“Yes, it’s me.”
“Lena, oh, my God! Where are you? Are you okay?” She immediately started crying, and to hear her speaking through tears wrenched at my heart. My eyes welled with tears and I cried as I answered her.
“Sam, it’s so good to hear your voice. I miss you. So much.”
“Lena,” she cried again. Then we both sat on the line crying, and I wished I could hug her.
“I’m sorry I haven’t called. I’m sorry.”
I heard her sniffle and the crying tapered off. Then I laughed as I heard her blow her nose so loudly it was comical.
“Where are you?” she asked again. I wasn’t sure I should tell her where I was, not yet at least.
“I’m safe,” was the only response I could think of.
“Where?”
“Sam, it’s not important.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know. I’m fine. I’m doing all right. But no, I’m not okay. I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay.”
“Where are you?”
“I’m safe.”
“Lena, this isn’t funny. Tell me where you are.”
“Sam, I can’t. I will eventually, but not today. I’m sorry. Can we just talk? I’ve missed talking to you.”
She sighed loudly, but in her breath I heard her acquiescence. “What do you want to talk about?”
“I got a job today,” I said, smiling.
“A job? Are you planning on staying wherever you are?”
The Private Serials Box Set Page 18
