“Are you okay?”
I wasn’t sure how long I’d been sitting there staring at my hands as if by not moving I could block out the pain. But the thing was, I wasn’t okay. And not in my normal “I’m not okay” kind of way. I wasn’t anxious and this wasn’t my insecurities at play.
This was honest to God hurt because I’d thought this was more than a drunken hookup. I may have been tipsy but that wasn’t why I’d gone along with kissing him.
It sure as hell wasn’t why I wanted to fuck him.
I’d been attracted to him since the first moment I sat next to him on the plane. I’d been getting crazy waves of desire every time he spoke. And more than that, I thought he’d felt it too.
I’d thought we were old friends connecting. But I guess somewhere in the crazy depths of my brain, I’d started to think that it might be more. I’d let my hopes get out of hand without even realizing it. I’d been thinking that maybe he liked me. Like, really liked me. Like, maybe for the first time in forever I was attracted to someone who made me feel calm—who made me feel amazing, if I were being honest—and I’d thought maybe it was mutual.
It was not. Clearly. I’d been thinking this was the start of something real, and he had been thinking we were drunk and maybe gonna bang.
I felt gross. Disgusted with myself for being such a sap and for reading way too much into this whole scenario.
I shifted so my legs fell off the bed and I was sitting on the edge. I wanted to leave. I wanted to run. Problem was, this was my room. Where could I run?
The bed shifted again and I heard him take a long, deep breath, exhaling slowly. I sure as hell hoped he was hurting too. I mean, I knew he wouldn’t be feeling the impalement of rejection—that’s the descriptor I’d settled on. It just felt so painfully right. But I hoped at the very least he was suffering from a severe case of blue balls. That was a thing, right? If it was a real thing, then I hoped he had it.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
I winced. Worst thing to say ever.
“I didn’t mean to take advantage,” he said.
I stiffened. I honestly wasn’t sure if I was pissed or hurt by that. Part of me wanted to throw a punch and a bigger part thought I was definitely going to cry. What I ended up doing was far more in keeping with the Alison he knew from high school. The Alison I guess I’d never really outgrown.
I ran away.
“I’d better go.” I stood up quickly, rearranging my dress so it didn’t look like I’d been about to sleep with a guy I hadn’t seen in a decade.
I heard him moving behind me, following me around the room as I gathered up my purse and a sweater. “Where are you going?”
Good question. My mind was spinning. Maybe it was partly the alcohol, but I didn’t think so. More than anything it was the quick twists and turns of the evening. The shock of realizing my airplane buddy was my former high school friend, followed by the slow but steady descent into crush territory.
I paused before the mirror and took a deep breath. Avoiding his gaze over my shoulder as I brushed my hair back into something resembling tidy and gave myself a quick once over to make sure I hadn’t missed any telltale signs, like smeared lipstick or streaking mascara.
I hadn’t actually burst into tears yet but they were watery and on the verge of spilling over. With my luck I’d show up at my reunion hoping to impress and instead being mistaken for a rabid raccoon.
“Ali,” he said.
I made the mistake of meeting his gaze in the mirror. His dark eyes were filled with concern.
God, he was so fucking sexy.
Shit.
Why didn’t he like me? But that was the age-old question, wasn’t it? That’s the question that had plagued me since high school. I wasn’t repulsive. I wasn’t the hottest of the hot, but I wasn’t butt ugly, either. I wasn’t an idiot; I didn’t have a bad attitude.
It was obvious though, wasn’t it? He was here for the same reason I was. He’d probably come back to make those mean girls pay. I mean, they had it coming. I was happy for him. He’d pull off what I’d always dreamed of. He’d live out the epic high school loser fantasy.
He’d show them all what they’d been missing.
But me? I’d go to this stupid party but I’d lost the desire to prove anything to anyone. I mean, yeah, it would have been satisfying, but one look in the mirror showed me that I hadn’t changed. Not drastically, at least. And not physically, really. I mean, I’d gotten older, I had a new haircut, but I didn’t have the miraculous transformation like Noah had.
When I showed up, odds were no one would recognize me, but not because I’d changed. They wouldn’t recognize me because they never had, and maybe they never would.
I couldn’t summon up too much heartache over that at the moment, not when Noah was staring at me so intently. Not when my body was still trembling with need.
I had to get out of there before I did something pathetic like beg. I had to leave before his concern turned to pity. I had to leave before he realized that I’d thought this was more than a drunken hookup.
I met my own gaze in the mirror and saw the tears swimming there. Oh God, I’d let myself think this was something so much more. What a fool.
One good kiss and I thought it meant we had some deep connection. One fun night, several great conversations and I’d thought it was love.
I blinked back the tears that welled up in response to that pitiful thought. How lame was I? How incredibly naïve?
“Ali,” he said again. “Where are you going?”
I took a deep breath and forced a smile. “To the party. That was always the plan, right?” I turned to face him with a friendly grin that I hoped concealed my pain. “Are you coming?”
He stared at me for so long I nearly cracked. I almost lost control of the smile, but I held on tight. Then he sighed and rubbed a hand over his eyes. “You go on ahead. I’ll meet you there.”
I nodded despite the ache in my chest. Well fuck, this night just kept getting worse and worse. I’d thought I’d had an ally but now I was back to going it alone.
I left Noah in my room, in too much of a hurry to escape that I couldn’t stand around and wait for him to gather his belongings.
Cabs were waiting out front and I was in one and at the entrance to The Leaning Pine before I could question my decision. I’d spent the whole trip reliving that epic makeout session rather than freaking out over who I was going to see and what I would say.
On the upside? That distraction worked in my favor. This time when I entered the restaurant I wasn’t stressing about who was there. I was freaking out about everything else in my life but not my former classmates and what they’d think of me, thank God. There was only so much room in my overactive brain and it was at max capacity thanks to that kiss.
That kiss. That kiss made it sound like some little peck and not the life-altering, soul-moving, heart-stopping encounter that it was.
It was, wasn’t it? That was the thought I kept coming back to. Had I been the only one who’d felt it? Had I been the only one feeling a connection as we’d talked? Was I reading too much into the fact that it was just as easy to talk to Noah as ever?
Very likely. God, I was such a weirdo sometimes.
“Alison?” A deep voice interrupted my trip to crazytown. Probably for the best. I turned to face the speaker and froze.
Alex Jones. In the flesh. And he was smiling at me. And he knew my name!
My brain sort of fizzled and popped for a moment as it adjusted to this new reality.
Then the chit-chat commenced and all of my brain power was focused on spitting out my memorized answers and trying to ensure that I didn’t do anything too stupid. I made sure my hands weren’t flailing oddly and breathing didn’t get too shallow.
No one thought panting was cool. Well, maybe someone could make it look sexy in bed or something, but definitely not when we were just standing there talking about…what? What exactly were we talking about?
I’d been so focused on making my breathing even, I’d lost track. Oh. No worries, he was still talking about his job. He was a lawyer. Something to do with taxes. He was single, that much I knew for certain because he’d repeated it several times. Each time he’d said it his gaze had traveled over my body in a not-at-all subtle hint.
It should have made me giddy. The fact that Alex was talking to me at all should have made me ecstatic and flustered.
Instead, I felt cold.
Literally cold. I think the AC was on too high or something. I was trying not to shiver. I wasn’t nervous, exactly, but not because I was so comfortable. I’d just realized that I wouldn’t have to provide any more memorized answers. He seemed perfectly content to do all the talking and I was perfectly content to stand there and look at him.
He’d aged…averagely well. He was still hot. Still boyishly cute. My inner teen could see exactly what I’d liked about him. But adult me? Not so much. I was no longer smitten with his looks, just like I no longer found The O.C. to be the be all end all of quality television.
Don’t get me wrong, I still loved the show. My best friend and I quoted it on a regular basis. But I now knew that there were other great shows, and ones with more depth than that stellar teen drama.
As I watched Alex laugh over something he’d just said, I mentally shifted his classification from love of my life to the part of my brain that held fiercely to a nostalgic love for Seth Cohen.
Some of Alex’s friends joined us. Guys I’d thought were cool from afar but never spoke to in high school because they didn’t know I was alive and also, I wouldn’t know what to say to them even if they’d looked my way. I still didn’t know what to say to them now. We’d had nothing in common then and it seemed I had even less in common now.
I wasn’t disappointed so much as…sad. Sad for my former self who’d wasted so much time and energy willing them to look my way. I didn’t even get that sense of satisfaction I’d hoped so desperately for. Did they see me now? Yes. They seemed to notice the sexy dress and the pretty looks. So…yay me? The overall effect was a bit hollow since I also saw each and every one of them look to my name tag before greeting me.
They still didn’t know who I was but that didn’t seem to matter. Not to them, at least.
I’d seen Noah walk in a little while ago. I’d met his searching gaze and then looked away quickly. But I’d been sneaking peeks in his direction and saw that yes, he was indeed the center of attention among the ladies. He was smiling and laughing as he talked to a group I didn’t immediately recognize.
I couldn’t help but wonder if Noah’s glorious comeback was just as bittersweet. I hoped so.
God, I was a bitch. But really, I didn’t love the thought of him winning over the women from our class. If they hadn’t appreciated him then, why should they get to now?
I brought my attention back to Alex and his friends with a start.
Holy crap, the same could be said for these guys. They were talking amongst themselves, I’d seemingly been forgotten since I’d stopped speaking. I got the occasional smile, the occasional look that made me think I’d have some outright flirting to contend with once they got some more drinks in them.
But I didn’t want that. I wanted to hang out with Noah. I watched as a woman placed a hand on his arm and a possessiveness I didn’t know I could feel made me want to claw her eyes out.
He was mine. Mine! I saw him first. He’d been my friend, and I was the one who’d been kissing him less than an hour before. Everybody else needed to step off.
I’d switched to club soda at the bar so I couldn’t even attribute my thoughts, or my next actions, to drunken courage. “Excuse me,” I murmured to the group of guys who didn’t take much notice.
Then I walked over to Noah where he was surrounded by smiling, pretty women and I tapped him on the arm. He looked at me and arched his brows as I resolutely ignored the women around him. “I need to talk to you.”
He nodded, making his excuses and steering me away from everyone. I found us tucked away in a corner out of the sightline of the rest of the crowd. “Are you okay?” he asked, concern in his eyes.
I nodded.
“Ali, about before—”
I cut him off by slapping a hand over his mouth.
I felt his grin beneath my hand and saw the surprise in his eyes.
“Sorry,” I said. “But I have something to say.”
He stared, unable to speak because of my hand.
I stared, because nerves made me want to vomit. I swallowed that down and gave myself a mental shake.
I had changed. Just like Alex and the others, I wasn’t a teenager anymore. I may have had a relapse on the plane, freaking out over this reunion may have made me regress, but I wasn’t that fraidy-cat girl anymore.
Okay, maybe I was. Just a little. But I’d worked long and hard this past decade to overcome those fears. I’d learned to act despite the anxiety. I may not have conquered every fear but I’d made progress. I knew how to speak to a man. I knew how to talk to a friend.
And right now, even more than I wanted to puke, I wanted Noah to see that.
“I’m not the girl you used to know.”
He blinked rapidly and I let my hand drop.
“I know I probably look like a weirdo loser to you because I still get anxious over stupid things and—”
“I never once thought you were a weirdo loser.” He sounded so serious. So incredibly honest.
Now it was my turn to blink. “Oh.”
It probably wasn’t the most romantic thing anyone had ever said, but it felt like it. He’d always been nice to me, but that…well, that was what I’d been dying to hear a guy say my whole life. We stared at each other for a moment. I felt like so much more was being said in our silence, though I don’t even know how that could be possible.
I cleared my throat and licked my lips.
Big mistake. His gaze dropped down to my lips and I forgot what I was going to say all over again. I shut my eyes for a moment, blocking out the dark desire in his eyes and focusing on what I had to say.
What did I have to say? I’d come over to say something and I’d gotten distracted. “I want to sleep with you.” The words kind of tumbled out. I opened my eyes and saw him staring in wide-eyed shock.
He recovered quickly. “I want to sleep with you too.” His lips twitched up with amusement but he kept his voice as serious as mine had been.
“Okay then.” I pressed my lips together. This wasn’t coming out right at all. Because the truth was, I didn’t just want to sleep with him. I wanted…more. How much more I couldn’t even let myself contemplate at the moment. I blew my bangs out of my face and tried again. “I need you to know that I have changed. I know it might not seem like it but I’m stronger than I was in high school. Braver.”
He nodded encouragingly. “Okay.”
Oh hell. “And I don’t want you to think I was just making out with you because I was drunk or something.” I took a deep breath. “I kissed you because I like you.”
He outright grinned now. “Thank you for clarifying. I like you, too. But for the record—I kissed you.”
“But I kissed you back.” I had to fight the urge to growl, I was so frustrated by my own bumbling attempts. I was trying to say something here and he wasn’t getting it. I like you, too. He’d said it so simply that I knew he didn’t mean it like I’d meant it.
“I know you like me too.” I paused to wince at my foot-in-mouth disease. “I mean—ugh, I mean, I know that you like me as a friend. But I think I like you as more than that.”
I couldn’t bring myself to look directly at him as I told him the truth. There was brave and then there was fearless. I was not the latter. “I know you came here to impress people—er, women. Hot women. And I know I came here to prove something too, but what I need you to know is…” I licked my dry lips as I tried to find the words. Perfect words never arrived, so I spit out what I’d been thinking ever since
I arrived at this stupid cocktail party. “It’s bullshit.”
I looked up then and his gaze was breathtaking. Literally. I could not breathe. There were so many emotions there, I was mesmerized.
He took a step closer and my lungs gave up. My heart raced at his closeness, at his scent. His voice was low and rumbly. “How is it bullshit, Ali?”
I swallowed and consciously dragged air into my lungs so I didn’t faint. What? What were we even talking about? I blinked up at him until my brain could function again. “It’s bullshit because we have nothing to prove. We were always enough. I know that now…I mean, I guess I always knew that, but I thought it might fix something inside me if I got the validation I’d always been looking for.”
“And now?” He brushed my bangs back for me. The touch was enough to make my mind shut down again.
“Now I know it’s bullshit,” I said. Yes, it was lame. I was repeating myself. But I hoped he’d know what I meant. “I don’t need validation, I need—”
I need you.
I stopped myself just in time, pressing my lips together to keep from saying something totally crazy.
His lips curved up as if he’d heard what I’d almost said. “It is bullshit, isn’t it?”
I nodded, oddly relieved that he agreed with me. I sincerely hoped that meant he wasn’t going to sleep with one of those ladies he’d been talking to.
He moved closer until we were almost touching. His heat was all around me; his scent was overwhelming and delicious. “Now it’s my turn to say something.”
“Oh. Okay.” I didn’t really want to talk anymore. I’d kind of hoped we could go back to kissing again.
“I did come back here to impress, but not hot women in general. I came back to impress one specific hot woman.”
I felt myself deflating at those words. He was here for someone. I should have known. Who was she? I resisted the urge to look around. He moved even closer and I couldn’t have looked around if I’d wanted to. His dark, intense gaze held mine captive. I was hypnotized.
“The difference is, I didn’t come here for some kind of validation. But I did want to make her see me.”
The Morning After: Starting from Zero Box Set Page 49
