A delighted Mayor, The Right Honourable Timmy Minion, cut the tape and declared the Centre open. When asked what he thought of it he replied, “Why have we built this? What use is it?” Lead architect on the project, Sir Dan Marzipan, commented, “What’s the point of it? It’s a waste of money”. Local church leader, Father Bonzo O’Diatribe, said, “It is a great day for Cornwall” and that he had signed up for most of the courses. Father O’Diatribe also said that he would be encouraging his parishioners to enrol in many of the courses in an attempt to broaden their horizons and make them happier people. As he put it, “It’ll help to reduce my workload on a Sunday. They’re a right miserable bunch. I have to end every sermon with the announcement, “Oh why don’t you lot cheer up for fuck’s sake.” The Ultra Reverend Kenny Piglet from a rival church said he had his own plans to cheer up his congregation. Every second Sunday he will be preaching his sermon in semaphore while juggling full size swans made from butter.
Work has already started across the road from the Lutt building on a new £12,000 Academy for Juggling, Unicycling and Tightrope Walking and it should be completed in the New Year. Local resident and mum-of-six, Brenda Loathsome, commented, “Both buildings are a load of fucking shite”.
Aviation News
Keeping you aware of what’s in the air
Sourced by our aircraft aficionado Colin Puppy
New regulations come in to force today at London’s Heathrow airport concerning passengers who arrive late for flights. Due to the annoyance caused to staff and other passengers, latecomers will not be allowed on board. Also, people who can’t be bothered to turn up on time will be put into quarantine for six months in a cage with a gorilla and a cobra. They will be required to write out “I must not be late or else” one million times on the side of a pig in crayon, in Latin, using their foot.
There was a near miss yesterday at Glasgow airport when a Boeing 747 hit a crow on landing. An eyewitness said “The crow was coming in to land when the 747 flew right into it without taking any evasive action. If the 747 had missed the crow it would have been a near hit, but it didn’t. It hit it, so it was a near miss,” said pedantic local man Tarquin Pompous. A representative of the crow’s family said “squawk”.
Liberogambian Airways have announced that as from next Saturday night they will be serving a choice of boiling, frozen or liquefied English corned beef on all its flights. No other food, snacks or drinks will be available, said commercial director Gideon Mandingo. “We are responding to the demands of the modern traveller,” added Mandingo a minute later. “English corned beef is just so delicious,” added Mandingo two minutes later.
The world’s longest serving baggage handler retired yesterday. Alfred Poponce, who is 119 years old, finally hung up his baggage handling gloves after 109 years continuous service at East Buntyside Airport. Alfred handled his first bag, a brown leather dildo case, on the first of April 1905, which was the only cargo on the first ever flight to use the new airport. Flight AD001 of Air Dubious departed East Buntyside at 11:00am and landed at Northeast Buntyside at 11:01am. The only two passengers on that historic first flight were a snobby women going away for a dirty weekend and a 16 year-old asthmatic pig heading for the slaughterhouse. Alfred is planning a long and happy retirement hiking in the foothills of the Himalayas.
A Glaswegian man was yesterday forcibly removed from a flight between London and Manchester for saying “By the way” too many times. Mr Angus Macaroon of 99 Luftballons Road, Glasgow, was ejected from the aircraft in Cape Town after other airports refused permission for the Pandy Airlines flight to land. Glamorous flight attendant LaDerriere McKinnon said “The guy finished every sentence with “by the way” and it was driving me mad, so we decided to offload the fucker”. Last week Pandy Airlines ejected an Australian girl at the North Pole for turning every sentence into a question.
An experienced pilot was fired yesterday for gross incompetence. Captain Buster Loco, 59, of Clydeside Airlines is accused of firing up a barbeque in the cockpit during a flight from New York to Glasgow. It is alleged that Captain Loco had the barbeque on full and was cooking steaks, sausages and tuna just behind the co-pilot’s seat. The co-pilot, Miss Hazel Monkeynuts, said she couldn’t believe her eyes when Captain Loco started setting up the barbeque. “I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said the plump 21 year-old first officer. Suspicions were aroused when passengers noticed clouds of black smoke escaping under the cockpit door. One passenger, Mr Sebastian Mutton, said he thought there was a fire in the cockpit and went to investigate. At that point Captain Loco opened the door and offered him a sirloin steak. Mr Mutton said he initially ate the steak and it was excellent but that wasn’t the point. Mutton went on, “If it wasn’t for Miss Monkeynuts squatting on the red-hot barbeque and peeing on it to extinguish it, everyone could have perished”. Loco eventually landed the plane ahead of schedule at Glasgow and was taken away by a team of doctors and police. In his defence Captain Loco said “I always have a barbeque on a Sunday”.
Thrust Airlines are to continue their policy of banning certain groups of people from their aircraft. Following on from their ban on babies and pregnant women, Thrust has now issued a total ban on religious leaders and their followers. Thrust’s managing director, Happy McAdam, 59, issued the following statement: “We got rid of those screaming kids and boring pregnant women with nothing to say apart from mind-numbing baby talk. We thought it was time to rid ourselves and other innocent passengers of annoying religious people with their muttering and praying at the first sign of turbulence. We want to create a beautiful, atheist, noise-free and interesting experience for our passengers.” Thrust Airlines deny that they are considering banning people who talk too much and escaped murderers.
Gubbenstery airport has been given the go-ahead for a major expansion. Airport manager Cecil Rangoon says this will allow Gubbenstery airport to develop into a twenty first century airport. There will be a new second runway and later on a third, fourth and fifth runway to accommodate any future increase in air traffic. Rangoon has rubbished suggestions that all the new runways are not needed because there is only one flight a day from Gubbenstery to East Buntyside. We’re building for the future,” he said. The new terminal building will also feature a state-of-the-art Monkey Centre for visiting monkeys of all types to meet. There will be a supermarket, 20-screen cinema complex, ice rink, 10,000-room hotel and a brand new anal bleaching complex. The airport will be surrounded by a 1000-foot deep moat filled with one of every sea and river creature in the world. Rangoon says he wanted Gubbenstery International Airport to be different to all the bland airports around the world. It is with that in mind that he personally developed a system where all passengers will be delivered to their aircraft by log flume. He accepts that passengers will arrive in the aircraft soaking wet and probably injured but says that they won’t mind because they’ll be in holiday mood. Protesters claim it is a complete waste of money, although they are in favour of the anal bleaching complex.
Mandrake Airways is the first airline in the world to remove all seating from their aircraft and have standing only. They claim it will dramatically cut costs and that’s what people want. Chairman Peter Horseboy said a Boeing 737 that used to carry 150 people in seats can now carry 5,000 standing up. Instead of a return fare from London to Toronto being £600, it is now £599. “That’s a saving of a pound and who wouldn’t want that,” added Horseboy. Suggestions by The Health and Safety Department that it is dangerous and unhygienic are answered by Horseboy who says, “People should easily be able to last 8 or 9 hours without eating or going to the toilet and they can always doze standing up”. A feasibility study on a seat-free flight from New York to Sydney showed that more than half the 5,000 passengers survived.
A body found in the foothills of the Himalayas yesterday was confirmed as retired baggage handler Alfred Poponce of East Buntyside. He was apparently punched to death and robbed by a beautiful but highly unpredictable mountain gorilla.
Exciting New Rabbit Recipes
Enjoy all the fun of a farming day out with a day down on the farm. Visit Obadiah McPot’s fully working farm and have a day to remember. After getting up at 4am, you will learn to spread animal faecal matter over the main road, create traffic jams by travelling at 2mph in a filthy tractor, drink buttermilk, eat mice and rats, shoot burglars in the face and cross-dress convincingly. For full details email [email protected].
Relatively thick man (32, no hair, split lip, with hole through upper arm and lolling tongue) seeks equally thick woman (between 31 and 33, non-talker, seven feet tall, no sense of humour and tattoo of filing cabinet on upper arm) for fun and days out to libraries, bus stations and slaughterhouses. Phone Chief Superintendent Larry Cracker on Gubbenstery 9876 or email me at [email protected] or write to 91 Upper Tostong Street, Gubbenstery.
Sporting equipment fully fashioned from succulent and delicious English corned beef. We have dart boards, chess boards, surf boards, sideboards, footballs, javelins and polo mallets, all hand crafted by our time-served corned beef technicians. Spend over £60,000 and qualify for a free half ounce tin of gorgeous English corned beef worth £5 for only £10 + VAT. Visit our website at Beefosport.com for a free catalogue for only £21.99 + VAT.
Stewing lessons now available at Gubbenstery College of Boiling and Stewing. Receive expert tuition in stewing beef, pork, cats, hens, rubber, wood, bodies and automotive parts. No water needed. All our stewing is performed using molasses super-heated to 5,000°C in a big pot. Learn advanced stirring, tasting, heavy pot lifting and the words of the Dutch national anthem. For timetable, phone Professor Jeff Glorrian on Gubbenstery 9999.
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The University of Gubbenstery
Department of Advanced Porcine Chaos Theory
List of Departmental Seminars
Professor Patsy Blorange – Spurious College of Beef Variant Technology
“The Role of English Corned Beef in the Diet of Pigs Being Trained as Guide Pigs for Partially Sighted Horses”
Partially sighted, one-eyed and cross-eyed horses seem to prefer working with pigs that have been exclusively fed on English corned beef. Professor Blorange discusses the benefits of English corned beef in the diet of pigs. Recent wayward results are presented by Patsy.
Dr Keith Spoin – University of Southwest East Buntyside
“The Medicinal Benefits and Severe Drawbacks of Drinking Boavis”
Boavis is the controversial restorative drink made by the reclusive monks of North Prumpo Abbey on the outskirts of Glord. The ingredients of Boavis are a closely guarded secret and are known only to the head monk, Brother Frannypoos McGillicuddy. Some people have claimed that Boavis has cured them of leprosy, bunions and mountain goat vomiting syndrome. Others have blamed their psychotic behaviour, such as eating rubber and putting hot soup in their ears, on the consumption of Boavis. Dr Spoin analyses the data.
Dr Trevor Goopy – The Jewish University of Pippitypoppity
“Is Mashed Pig a Viable Alternative to Mashed Potato?”
Dr Goopy discusses the outcome of a full scale clinical trial comparing mashed pig to mashed potato in families with more than 12 children. The problems of such a complex trial are discussed. Trevor explains how he overcame such problems as people’s initial fear of eating mashed potato, the difficulty of mashing up a pig in a normal teacup and the incessant squealing and oinking.
Mr Jeremiah Ballruss – The College of Advanced Piffle
“Is Great Britain so Great if it is Being Overrun by Simpletons?”
Leading mind surgeon Jeremiah Ballruss discusses the increase in the number of dolts, idiots and general simpletons in Britain today. His team have harvested over 5,000 simpletons from the streets of Britain and attempted to cure them of idiocy using various methods. He initially tried using education, monetary incentives and persuasive techniques to make them slightly more sensible, but this showed little success. Eventually, Mr Ballruss discovered that severe beatings soon did the trick. Jeremiah explains this cutting edge technique.
Professor Pustula Smith – The Institute of Pig and Boar Thermodynamics
“Are Swine More Suited to the High Jump or the Long Jump?”
Professor Smith explains her unorthodox studies and attempts to justify her belief that allowing animals to compete in athletics events would make for a fairer society. Her early findings include video footage of pigs and wild boar training for the high jump and long jump by being thrown off high buildings. She also has very special news of Burpo the Cheetah’s attempt at a new world record in the 100m.
Dr Morag Blim – The School of Multicultural Broth Analysis
“An In Depth Study of the Benefits of This and That”
Dr Blim uses her vast experience of broth, soup and mirepoix-based consommé analysis to explain the findings of her latest 5-year study. The Blimeister General has been looking at the effects of replacing free school milk for 5-10 year-old children with paraquat. Momo’s results are earth-shattering and she was recently awarded the Cock-a-leekie medal for her services to amalgamated blended nutrients.
Dr Roger Trousers – Glord School of Home Economics for Young Ladies
“Proper Use of the Slaughtered Swine at Dinner Parties”
Dr Trousers discusses the great amount of unnecessary waste generated from
the slaughter of pigs. He claims that discarding all four legs and the body of the pig is a diabolical liberty. He then explains that using only the pig’s head for food is an insult to the pig. Roger will then perform his famous party trick of forcing an entire pig’s anus into his mouth while knitting a woollen condom using only his feet. Doc Trousers will then be awarded his Pig Spokesperson of the Year Award by Dame Nancy Clawball.
Dame Enid Spoth – Gubbenstery Institute of Train of Thought
“A Modern Approach to Banana-Straightening Techniques”
The current approach to dealing with misshapen fruit by rejecting it is examined in great detail by Enid Spoth, while she simultaneously sings Bundeshymne, the Austrian National Anthem. Dame Spoth’s remarkably fragrant breath will ensure that everyone in the audience will have a jolly time.
Professor Louis Skidmarque – Institute de Sans Pantalon de Paris
“The Effects of Strong Lager (9% ABV) on the Mindoro Warty Pig”
The effects of alcohol on Swine was studied over a 30-year period by Professor Skidmarque and his team of scientists and hernia truss salesmen. His preliminary findings show that under the influence of strong lager, the Mindoro Warty Pig will climb scaffolding, eat concrete, wear a hat and jump out of open bedroom windows. Professor Skidmarque believes that this proves that there is a common ancestor linking pigs that regularly consume strong lager with the modern city-dwelling human idiot.
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