The Mind: A Detailed Study
By Professor Hortence Scratiny (Miss)
The brain controls everything in the body from yawning to running and jumping off cliffs. The brain is made up of tiny bits that can’t be seen or heard. The mind, on the other hand, is in charge of the brain. Therefore, the brain cannot tell the body to do something without first checking with the mind that it is okay to do so. The mind consists of mind cells which themselves are assembled from microscopic fragments of thick material. In summary, the mind is a bit of the head that isn’t the brain.
Special Announcement
Gubbenstery Climbing Team to Tackle Everest
By our mountaineering correspondent Adam Nappy
It has been announced that the Gubbenstery Climbing Team is to climb Mount Everest. The four man team will be led by experienced potholer Randolph Peaches and will set off three weeks on Wednesday at 2pm. The other three members of the highly experienced team are Dr Arnold Putz, a three-time Olympic gold medal-winning shot putter, Mr Alfred Shambles, a retired gynaecologist and Gregory Balanitis, a former circus lion tamer. Also going along will be Mr Peaches’ dog Keith Newton, a 14 year-old giant poodle.
I met Mr Peaches in the foyer of the Tonguemeat Hotel in downtown Gubbenstery and asked him why they had decided to climb Everest. Immediately, he demanded that I address him as Dr Peaches. When I pointed out that he wasn’t a doctor of any sort, he became annoyed and threw a cup of Bovril over me. When I asked him why he was behaving like this, he told me to say “Why are you behaving like this doctor?” To save time and minimise further Bovril assaults, I decided to call him Dr Peaches. After some deliberation he said climbing Everest was the ultimate challenge for every mountaineer. When I suggested that he was a potholer and not a mountaineer, he lobbed another cup of Bovril over me. I told him to desist from the Bovril routine or there would be consequences. At that point he swung a punch at me which I ducked. He then tried to kick me and I dodged that too. I gave him another warning that I would retaliate if he continued to attack me. He then launched both his fists together and caught me full on the forehead, knocking me to the ground. He was about to trample my face but I grabbed his boot and twisted it sharply clockwise. This caused his shin bone to snap and dislocate from his knee. He let out a massive yowl of pain and I finished him off with a few good head punches and some hefty kicks to his groin. As Dr Peaches lay motionless on the ground I went in search of Dr Arnold Putz.
I met Dr Putz in the hotel bar. He had already started on a large gin and tonic so I joined him. I asked him why a shot putter was involved in a mountaineering expedition and he said it was for his physical strength. When I pointed out to him that he was 81 years old he became slightly irate. I told him I didn’t mean to insult him and bought him another large gin and tonic which he eagerly tucked into. I asked him what type of doctor he was and he said he was a doctor of the shot put. When I enquired what type of work that entailed he said he lectured on the shot put and gave practical demonstrations to university students. I told him I didn’t understand what that meant and he said I must be a fucking idiot. I asked him what possible use he would be at his age on an expedition to Everest and he said being 81 didn’t affect his strength and he challenged me to an arm wrestling contest. He wouldn’t take no for an answer so we ordered another two large gins and got into position. Admittedly, he still had a muscular arm and a decent grip so I prepared to give it my best shot. We grabbed hands and the contest began. He immediately applied quite a bit of pressure, even for an 81 year-old man with a double gin and tonic in his other hand. He even had the gall to sip his drink as he cranked up the pressure on my arm. This display of contempt really got my gander up and I put all my strength into a final big push. All of my available energy and power now fired into my arm and I pushed his arm back with great force. As he let out a deafening scream of pain, his arm came apart at the elbow and I was left holding his detached lower arm. There was no blood but there was a large bone sticking out. He dropped his gin and tonic from his other hand and hit the floor writhing in agony. I still had his arm in my hand so I gave it to the barman for safe keeping. I left the bar and headed for the restaurant where I had planned to meet the third member of the team, Alfred Shambles.
When I arrived, he was already sitting at a table. He had a massive plate in front of him which had half a chicken, a T-bone steak, a whole salmon and various baked potatoes, chips and fried bread on it. I couldn’t help but notice the complete absence of vegetables. I introduced myself and sat down. He said hello while continuing to devour his colossal lunch. He looked younger than I imagined so I asked him his age and he told me he was 16. I asked him how he could be a gynaecologist at 16 never mind a retired one. He claimed it was to increase publicity for the expedition. I asked him about his mountaineering experience and he said he had been hill walking once but he didn’t enjoy it. “Too cold, too boring, too windy and nothing to do,” he added. He assumed he’d get paid for climbing Everest so he agreed to go. “How hard could it be?” he said. “Very hard. It’s 29,000 feet with sub-zero temperatures and hurricane force winds. You don’t look like you could climb out of bed never mind climb Everest,” I said. Mr Shambles appeared to take offence at my remark and jumped up and confronted me nose to nose.
“Calm down you stupid bastard,” I said, but he suddenly head butted me forehead to forehead. It was an almighty clatter and I was momentarily stupefied. However, he seemed to come off worse than me and landed on the floor. I decided to walk away but he grabbed my leg and pulled me to the floor where we started to wrestle. He tried to gouge my eyes out but I managed to snap off both his thumbs and punch him in the throat. He had youthful energy on his side and he wasn’t one to quit a fight. He threw a wicked punch that completely flattened my nose and rocked me back on my heels. I knew I had to do something spectacular to finish this bastard off so I ran at him at top speed and drove my head into his guts, knocking him off his feet. I grabbed the half chicken, T-bone steak and salmon and forced the lot into his mouth, along with two dinner plates, an ashtray and the leg of a chair. I smashed both his kneecaps to dust with a champagne bottle and he was finally done for. I straightened my tie and my nose and went in search of Mr Gregory Balanitis.
I found Mr Balanitis sitting on a chair in the foyer of the hotel. He had an enormous poodle sleeping on his lap with a long stream of drool descending from its mouth onto Balanitis’s shoes. I introduced myself and he said “Howdydoody young man”. I asked him what his role in the expedition was and he said he was in charge of the lions. When I enquired what lions he was talking about, he said the ones to carry the supplies. He went on to say they had ten lions flown in from Africa especially for the trip and that he would tame them. I suggested maybe horses or mules might be better and safer but he said he knew what he was doing and I should “shut the fuck up”. I overlooked his insult and asked what training he had done and he replied with the utterance “fuck all”. When I said they had no chance of climbing Everest he jumped up and threw the poodle at me. I ducked and the dog hit the wall, letting out a whimper as it landed on the floor. He then attacked me with a chair and I had to be quick to avoid getting my dome caved in. I picked up a vase and smashed all his teeth out and then pulled his tongue out. He bled profusely from the mouth but that didn’t stop him grabbing my ears and smashing his knee into my already broken nose. I was now desperate so I grabbed his genitalia through his trousers and swung him round and round my head then released my grip and he hit the floor out cold. I finished him off by breaking all his fingers with my heel. I noticed the dog was now eating Balanitis’s tongue so I decided to dust myself off and take him for a walk. I would now spend the remainder of the afternoon with Keith Newton, the most sensible member of Gubbenstery’s Everest-bound mountaineering team.
Personal and Confidential Information
Win! Win! Win!
Win a free long weekend at Mockit Brothers, Gubbenstery’s largest soap factory by simply answerin
g the following question:
What is Mockit Brothers No.1 selling soap fragrance?
Is it:
(A) Wet Dog
(B) Lavender
(C) Monkey’s Hormones
Write your answer on a mobile phone and send it to Mr Mervyn Mockit, Mockit Brothers Soap Solutions, Massive Donkey Industrial Estate, 22b Ponkobonko Lane, Northwest Gubbenstery.
Woman who only speaks through a police loudhailer seeks another woman who only speaks through a megaphone for intimate conversations about private matters. Phone Melissa Spunshin at half past two.
Retired professional woman in her mid-sixties seeks retired professional snooker player in his mid-seventies and retired professional foghorn salesman in his mid-eighties for a painting and decorating mini-break in Cyprus. Contact Miss Doris Pungiss, 1 Goombian Avenue, Lower East Buntyside.
Book now for guided tours of people’s feet. Contact Edna Sybies for full colour catalogue of new season feet. Stinkbocks Cottage, East Glord.
The Diary of Clovis Pumly (aged 35)
The day-to-day goings-on of a dissatisfied woman
29th November
4am
Couldn’t sleep again. Got up and woke the cat for a bit of company. He was well annoyed at being thrown out of his basket and immediately peed in my going-out shoes. I grabbed him by the scruff of the neck and gave him a stern talking to. “Tony Bennett,” I said, “There’s no point in me being awake and you being asleep. If you pee in my going-out shoes again I’ll throw you under a bus.” I think he got the message. He ran off and climbed on top of the wardrobe and started hissing. Had a glass of warm milk and looked out of the window. Nobody about except a moth on the window looking in at me. I wonder if moths get lonely like me.
11am
Woke up behind the TV. Must have fallen asleep and slid off my chair. My lap is soaked in milk and I’ve got a stiff neck. Had a bath and a cup of tea. Lay in the bath thinking. Why did mum and dad have to go? Will I ever get a boyfriend? Why are my hips so big and my boobs so small? Will I ever have a baby? Tony Bennett started yamming because I hadn’t fed him. I gave him a bowl of broken biscuits and he hissed at me. I explained to him that I forgot to get cat food so he’d have to eat the same as me. He jumped onto the couch and glared at me. “Fuck off then Tony,” I said, and threw a cushion at him. Don’t know where he is now.
5pm
Been to the shops and bought some things for dinner. Instant beef dinner for one for me and a big tin of Megakitty for Tony Bennett. He doesn’t really like it but it’s the cheapest. He eats it eventually, after ignoring it for a few days. Sometimes it goes off before he eats it and it makes him sick. He usually spews up on my bed for some reason. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s spite. Are cats spiteful? I think they are. Anyway, he gets a kicking for spewing on my bed and he runs away and hides.
8pm
Been knitting a new jumper and I’m very happy with it. It’s black with a big yellow circle on the front to represent the sun. I like the sun. I used to sit in the sun as a toddler until I was burnt, then I’d cry and mum would give me ice cream and rub chicken fat on my burns. Mum taught me to knit. I wish she were here now. I’ll probably wear it to church on Sunday. I like going to church and singing the hymns. I wish I knew what God had in store for me. Watched TV for a bit. I like the soaps and the quizzes, although I never get any questions right. Dad always joked that I was a big, thick, pointless fuckpig of a girl. Oh how I miss him.
11pm
Time to prepare for bed. Emptied Tony Bennett’s litter tray on the pavement outside the front door and topped it up with fresh earth from the garden. I don’t think he appreciates what I do for him. Went to the toilet and cleaned my teeth. Still got the abscess on my top lip where Tony Bennett bit me after an argument about him chewing my tights. I hope I don’t have some cat disease in my mouth. Had a peepee and a jobby and went to bed. Read a few pages of my book and drank my glass of wine. Went for another peepee and jobby and then back to bed and put the light out.
The Great Entertainers
No.1: Arthur Gallpod
By our marital strife reporter Patsy Yattsy
One of Gubbenstery’s best loved entertainers returned to his home town today to coincide with the release of his new album and to announce his new world tour. Arthur Gallpod, now 95, was in residence at Billy Kludgie’s music shop and was signing copies of his new album of easy listening songs. This is Gallpod’s second album in a dazzling 85-year career and critics are describing it.
“Some of only his best work,” Mavis Belch-Bolch – Musical Pap Monthly
“This is the first time I’ve heard it,” Johnnie Glutiss – Wretched Tunes Weekly
“Ranks right up there with other music,” Steve Stenko – Acoustic Arse
“Who said this man had lost it?” Janis Kaboom – Kaboom Magazine
“Me,” Timmy St Timson – The Daily Blabber
“Well, you were right, it’s rubbish,” Janis Kaboom – Kaboom Magazine
“The best album I should’ve heard,” MC Flappety – Dulcet Tones Quarterly
Gallpod began his career as a singer at the age of ten, when he used to entertain the crowds at public hangings. His first hit single, “Stretch that Bastard’s Neck”, was a crowd favourite and it earned Gallpod his first wage, a meagre £18,000. He was soon in demand to perform at more hangings, funerals and bare knuckle fights. His second hit single, “My Lover’s Kiss Tastes like Piss”, was much in demand at births and wedding ceremonies and went straight to the top of the charts. He was now at the peak of his powers and was given the keys to Gubbenstery by then mayor The Honourable Mr Punko Dawson. He celebrated this honour by releasing a new love ballad, “Bludgeon Her Stupid Face”, which again topped the hit parade. Numerous local tours followed but Gallpod refused to release an album, preferring the occasional hit single. It was apparent that Gallpod was more interested in live performances than making albums.
By now, Arthur was 40 years old and he decided to marry for the fourth time, after meeting the blonde time-served welder Gloria Fantoosh. Gallpod’s previous three wives had all died in suspicious circumstances. His first wife, a Swedish embalmer called Astrid Gompot, mysteriously got her head trapped in a vice in Arthur’s basement workshop. When police found her six weeks later, she had starved to death. Touchingly, Arthur wrote a song about her called “The Bitch Has Gone to Heaven”. Arthur’s second wife, a lumberjack from Oregon called Zippo McAleese, inexplicably sawed through her own abdomen with her chainsaw while Arthur sat reading in an adjacent room. Gallpod’s touching ballad to his second late wife was called “Resting Place of the Skanky Boot”. His third wife was a Chinese hippopotamus trainer called Doris Scum who accidentally set herself on fire while on a picnic with Arthur in Gubbenstery Woods. Arthur’s beautiful ballad to his third late wife, “Burn Baby Burn”, topped the charts for six months.
Following Arthur’s marriage to Gloria, their honeymoon ended abruptly as Gloria decided to visit the local hospital for a random check-up. After she underwent many complex tests, Gloria was diagnosed with a rare condition called two black eyes, a broken nose and several missing teeth. She claimed that she must have contracted this strange ailment while on their honeymoon, camping on the banks of the Zambezi River. Arthur immediately composed the delicate canticle “You Get What You Deserve” to help aid his wife’s recovery. Arthur then decided to embark on a year-long world tour of Denmark and Paraguay. He played 182 continuous sell-out nights at the Copenhagen Empire and 182 continuous sell-out nights at the Horqueta Lyceum, before being overcome by exhaustion and purulent blistering of the rectum. He returned home to recuperate with Gloria but discovered that she had abandoned the marital home some months earlier. She had fallen in love with her milkman Kevin Thubstance and the pair had moved to Luxembourg to set up their own ointment factory.
Arthur was devastated. He would spend hours sitting at his piano composing lyrics to try to mask his raw emotions since losing Gloria. He re
leased a four-track disc simply called “Gloria” containing the heart-rending ballads “You Can’t Hide from Me Slut”, “I Know Where You Live”, “I’ll Meet You in the Dark” and the truly emotional “Slaughter in Luxembourg”. As Arthur began to piece his life back together, he finally gave in to pressure from his record company and at the age of 90 decided to release his first proper album. He spent nearly a year locked away in his mansion just outside Gubbenstery recording new material with his lifelong backing band Excreta. This dedication led to the multi-platinum selling album “Kick Them Where it Hurts”. It was a massive success, although some of the songs and lyrics were thought to be a bit odd and were investigated by the police.
The opening track, “Drink the Blood of Satan”, was number one in the U.S. charts for over a year and has proved to be a big hit in non-English speaking countries. The longest track on the album, at a full 25 minutes, is an old time county and western-style tale of one man’s suffering, following divorce from his childhood sweetheart called “Jenny Gonna Get Sliced Up”. All 18 songs on the album were released as singles and all went to number one in Bangladesh. It was while Arthur was touring in the Galapagos Islands that he met his fifth wife Doobydoo McKinnon. Doobydoo was born in Glasgow but had moved to the Galapagos Islands at the age of ten to escape her domineering parents. Her parents would throw Doobydoo in front of passing cars and trucks if she hadn’t tidied her room or done her homework, so she made sure she got as far away from Glasgow as she could. She initially got a job as a bus driver but when she turned 16 she opened the first brothel in the Galapagos and never looked back. It was in the brothel that she met Arthur. He had popped in for his usual 8pm session but all the girls were busy except Doobydoo. Their eyes met and it was love at first sight.
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