An East Buntyside Gazette Exclusive
Attack of the Parasitic Mind Wasp
By our sensationalistic reporter Bernie Skumpis
The East Buntyside Gazette has been made aware of a Government cover up which concerns the health of our nation. An insider at the Government’s National Health Department has leaked a document to the Gazette about a new airborne threat to our society. Our informant, who shall remain named as 59 year-old Lionel de Bobo, approached the Gazette because he felt that the public should be made aware of this terrifying new menace. According to the leaked document, ministers were told of a new type of wasp called the Parasitic Mind Wasp. It has somehow mutated from existing wasps to become a much larger, more horrifying creature. Mr de Bobo also managed to smuggle out details of attacks by this terrifying creature on innocent members of the public and it makes for truly shocking reading.
It appears that this new wasp actively targets humans and is completely unafraid of being swatted by a rolled up newspaper. Whereas the traditional British wasp is about one inch long, these new wasps are one foot long and know no fear. The leaked documents show that many people have already been attacked by the parasitic mind wasp and most are not here to tell the tale. One of the many documented cases involves East Buntyside trainee marmalade salesman Peter Bulbide. According to Mr Bulbide’s brother Arthur, his brother was in the garden tasting some new potato- and horse meat-based marmalades when the incident took place. Arthur Bulbide described the incident thus. “The giant wasp swooped down out of nowhere and landed on Peter’s head. It immediately stung him through his skull which made him yell loudly. It then stung him in both eyes and in one testicle, causing Peter to yelp a few more times. The mind wasp then flew off and disappeared. I ran out to the garden where Peter was rolling around in agony. I tried to help him but he smashed both pots of marmalade over my head. The horse meat variety tasted okay but the potato one was rancid. My brother’s head then started to swell to about ten times its normal size and he attacked me again. He grabbed my ears and violently bit into my chin, while continuing to yell and scream. He wasn’t my brother anymore and I was in fear for my life. I reached for the open razor and loaded gun I always keep in my pocket for emergencies. I managed to slash his face ten times and cut his hands off before firing a single shot into his enormous head. His head burst open with a loud bang and about 100 wasps about one inch long flew out of his brain and took to the skies.”
Another case involving the parasitic mind wasp was that of 79 year-old Grantly Poonapang, a retired bank robber from East Buntyside. According to an eye witness, Mr Poonapang was cycling on the B0001 road between East Buntyside and West Fampity on a sunny Saturday afternoon. The eye witness was driving her car behind Mr Poonapang when the wasp struck. It flew into him and knocked him off his bike and landed on his buttocks. It then stung him in both buttocks and also on his tongue. Mr Poonapang was in agony, writhing about the grass verge. The witness got out of her car and the wasp took off into the air. She tried to hit it using a catapult she kept in her handbag but the wasp got away. She went to check on Mr Poonapang who was now on his feet and howling loudly. He lunged at the witness and rammed his hand down her throat and pulled her stomach out of her mouth and bit into it. This took the witness by surprise and she retaliated by using her personal Bowie knife to cut through his jumper and slice his nipples off. She then head butted Poonapang, grabbed her stomach out of his mouth and swallowed it back down. The savage struggle continued for another few minutes before the witness managed to fire her catapult at Poonapang, hitting him very close to his rectum. His buttocks exploded and yet again, a swarm of junior mind wasps flew off into the sky.
A third incident took place in Eastern Scrutto. Local resident Yasmin Pumpage was in town shopping for a new corset when she was targeted by the parasitic mind wasp. She was walking along the pavement after exiting Ramrod McPherson’s Corset Emporium when suddenly the beast struck. It flew down and fixed itself to her face and stung her in the throat. It was trying to sting her again when Miss Pumpage sneezed and vomited at the same time. This foul double action fired the wasp off her face and onto the pavement. The vomit contained around one hundred smaller mind wasps as well as a mix of the usual fried egg and diced carrots. Miss Pumpage seized her chance and stuck the boot into the dazed mind wasp. She followed that up with a dazzling array of punches, kicks and some savage blows from the ball-peen hammer she kept in her handbag. The mind wasp was helpless against this vicious onslaught and soon lay dead in its black and yellow striped outfit. Miss Pumpage was severely shaken up and had lost a lot of vomit but she was the first human to survive an attack from a parasitic mind wasp. She trampled all the baby mind wasps still trapped in the vomit, before passing out and slumping on the pavement.
One of the more bizarre incidents involving the parasitic mind wasp was when a swarm of about ten adult mind wasps attacked local man Numbnuts McFudd. Mr McFudd was a well-known local maniac and only that day had been released from East Buntyside Maximum Security Sanctuary for Wayward Individuals. As the wasps attacked, McFudd went straight into his well-practised maniac mode and started grabbing, punching, biting and kicking the wasps. According to an eye witness walking his dog, it appeared that McFudd had been stung a few times but seemed unaffected. He soon had all the wasps lying dead in a heap and had started to eat them, before being interrupted by the police. He immediately launched a similar attack on the police, before one of the officers released the Alsatian attack dogs. The dogs grabbed and bit McFudd but he gallantly fought back and managed to pull one dog’s head off and pull the other one’s guts out by punching it up the anus and pulling hard. Both dogs lay dead next to a pile of dead parasitic mind wasps and a heap of unconscious police officers. According to the witness, McFudd went on his merry way and disappeared, none the worse for his run-in with the parasitic mind wasps, the police and two Alsatians.
It is mentioned in de Bobo’s leaked documents that Government officials are trying to track down McFudd to see if he is somehow immune to the sting of the parasitic mind wasp. They would then engage top secret Government scientists to try to develop an antidote made from McFudd’s blood. Our own investigations have revealed that it should be relatively easy to acquire samples of McFudd’s blood, since it is regularly spilt on the floor during his many fights in The Demented Pigeon and The Silly Apple public houses. Mr de Bobo claims he has more sensitive information to divulge to our newspaper but only in return for money. Since we have all the information we need, we will not be giving Mr de Bobo any money. Instead, we will be turning him into the police for being a dirty stool pigeon and blabbing important information to a local newspaper. His attempts to embarrass our great British Government will be foiled by a great British newspaper, the resolute East Buntyside Gazette.
Forthcoming Attraction
International Psychic
Nobby Boonalamb
For one night only at the Gubbenstery Pavilion
Come and have the night of your life in the company of world famous psychic and renowned accordion salesman Mr Nobby Boonalamb. This top class extrasensory charlatan will truly amaze you and your easy-to-fleece friends with the simplicity with which he can pull the wool over your eyes and relieve you of your money. Obviously you will be keen to supposedly “contact” some dead relative or pet and won’t mind paying for the privilege. Nobby will be able to provide this service for you and much, much more. Nobby values his audience and their participation in his various scams and admits that without the audience there would be nobody in the auditorium.
Be astounded as he gets a long lost recipe for ginger snaps from long dead Aunty Mary! Thrill at the idea of Nobby getting in touch with Uncle Stan, who died in 1973, and finding out he no longer suffers from gout! Be utterly amazed as the great Nobby chats to someone’s Aunty Doris and passes on vital information about the whereabouts of the jam spoon! Try to believe your eyes and ears as Nobby retrieves information about buried bones and chewed slipper
s from someone’s pet dog who was crushed by an articulated lorry in 1982! All of these stunning feats of psychic ability and fraudulent behaviour are performed by Nobby while he simultaneously tries to offload some dodgy accordions. This is no ordinary man or mere deceitful con artist performing fabricated and sham presentations to simpleton audiences. Oh no, he’s much more than that. He’s also capable of making you pay high prices for tickets to these proceedings and is able to convince you to acquire unwanted tuneless musical instruments. Buy your tickets now to experience the best in mystic fraud.
“Nobby contacted my Uncle Reginald and I don’t even have an Uncle Reginald!” Jeff Thick.
“Mr Boonalamb is awesome. He made me eat my own hand!” Gladys Moron.
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“Nobby told me I was going to be murdered on the way home and it would be best to give him all my money for safe keeping!” Martha Glunter.
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“It’s all a load of fake fucking shite!” Brenda Loathsome.
The story of
Gotitty’s
Gubbenstery’s Family Department Store
By our retail reporter Graham Marsbark
Gotitty’s first opened its doors in 1900 at the corner of Tummy Road and Romper Street in downtown Gubbenstery. It was the brainchild of Barry Gotitty, who dreamed of having his own corner shop. On day one, Gotitty’s only sold milk, bread and powdered mice. As the years passed, Barry slowly expanded Gotitty’s. He bought the premises next door and employed his brother Fumpo and his sister Humpatina.
Gotitty’s was always a store with a difference. Barry was willing to take risks and would endeavour to have as diverse a range of stock as possible. Whatever his customers wanted, he would acquire. In 1905 he took delivery of six leopard cubs, two tarantulas and a baby giraffe from his contact in Zambia and sold the lot in a single afternoon. However, the sale of the animals eventually led to a string of complaints from irate customers. When the leopards got bigger, they ate most of the cats and dogs in the area and one of them ate the arms and legs of its owner. Both tarantulas delivered a multitude of venomous bites to inexperienced handlers. Local baker Quincy Bummety was severely bitten on the ears, nose, lips, tongue and eyelids when he put a tarantula on his head for a laugh. Gubbenstery’s best known candlestick maker, Martin Vaginate, was bitten on the scrotum as he sat one evening enjoying a glass of whisky with the tarantula on his lap. His scrotum swelled up to an enormous size and eventually burst open, leaving him unable to walk for six months. The giraffe caused the most trouble. As it grew bigger, it got stuck inside the house of its owner. It eventually kicked its owner’s entire family to death before having its head cut off by a local psychopath.
Gotitty’s continued to expand by buying up adjacent shops, before they moved into a brand new five-storey building in 1939. Gotitty’s was now the flagship retail building in Gubbenstery and people would come from miles around to shop there. Barry Gotitty had seen his small corner shop grow into a vast department store which was testament to his shrewd business skills and his ability to stay one step ahead of the competition. However, in 1940 a tragic event took place and plunged the staff and customers of Gotitty’s into deep sadness. At the tender age of 59, Barry Gotitty died. He had been in the children’s toy department trying out some of the latest chemistry sets. Unfortunately, Barry inadvertently made a bomb and it went off in his face. It blew him out of a window on the fifth floor and he plunged to his death, landing head first on top of a passing rat. Barry died instantaneously and the rat suffered a fractured skull, two broken ribs and a ripped anus.
The passing of Barry Gotitty created a vacuum at the store and this led to a feud developing between Fumpo and Humpatina as to who would gain overall control of Gotitty’s. Humpatina was determined to take control of Gotitty’s and had dreamt of being the boss. She had great plans for the shop and wanted to diversify into all manner of different products. She had studied the methods of the great American department stores such as Yooryne Brothers and Quagmire and Co. She admired their style and flair and wanted Gotitty’s to become as good as or better than those great stores. However, one evening after the store closed, Humpatina and Fumpo were in the hardware department examining some new deliveries. As Humpatina was examining a new consignment of steam-powered racoon mincers, Fumpo suddenly powered up a top of the range petrol-driven chainsaw and cut Humpatina in two from head to perineum. He took her remains down to the livestock department and fed her to the pigs, never to be seen again. He immediately took the position of Chief Executive and assumed overall control of Gotitty’s. He explained Humpatina’s disappearance to the board of directors by saying she had bought a ten-bedroom mansion in Borneo. She had decided to retire from retail sales and go millipede hunting in the Borneo metropolitan area with her Israeli half-brother Adolf Berkovich, who was the local expert in the hunting of millipede, horse, sperm whale and maggot. The board believed Fumpo’s story and he was now free to run the business as he wanted.
Fumpo’s first decision was to open a brothel on the fifth floor. He staffed it with local girls desperate for money and hired his great aunt, Growler Crabtree, as the Madam. Men came from all over to visit the brothel and at one point it was making more money than the rest of the store departments put together. Fumpo used the profits from his brothel to slash the prices in the other departments and people flocked in their droves to purchase the heavily discounted goods. No one seemed to mind that the cheap products were due to the fifth floor knocking shop. No other Gubbenstery store could compete with Gotitty’s prices. Even luxury goods were remarkably cheap. A full size dining table and eight leather chairs was £10, a pack of one million high tar cigarettes was £5 and a set of twelve fully grown Alsatian dogs was only £1. Business was booming in all departments and Fumpo was soon one of Gubbenstery’s wealthiest citizens. He had houses all over the world, except Borneo, he wore the finest Italian suits and availed himself of the brothel services about ten times a week.
Fumpo had by now acquired quite a selection of ailments. He had rampant gonorrhoea, he drank too much, all of his hair fell out overnight and he had developed bow legs. His worst affliction, however, was frequent hallucinations. He would see his murdered sister coming after him with a chainsaw and he would hide in his office for hours until his nightly five bottles of whisky took effect. As the years passed, Gotitty’s moved with the times and in 1970 they closed the fifth floor brothel. It was replaced by a department for the outdoor enthusiast, selling canoes, bicycles, lawnmowers and power tools. The privilege of opening the fancy new department was to go to Humpatina’s daughter, Virginia Galoot. The board of directors thought it would be a good idea to honour the memory of Humpatina, who had never been heard of since her sudden move to Borneo. Virginia was successful in her own right and was Chief Executive of the company that made the world famous Galoot’s Mashed Penguin Sauce. On the day of the grand opening of the new department, the board of directors and a selection of local dignitaries were present. However, Fumpo had slept in due to another sleepless night suffering with raging haemorrhoids. Assistant Director of Gotitty’s Peter Bloodhorse decided to start proceedings without Fumpo, assuming he would probably be drunk. Virginia was to declare the new outdoor department open by cutting the ceremonial silk ribbon using the very latest Gotitty’s Ultra-power chainsaw. She pulled the cord but the chainsaw started with such force that it flew out of Virginia’s hands and hurtled down through the central atrium, spinning past all the floors as it plummeted downwards. On the ground floor, the main door opened and 80 year-old Fumpo Gotitty entered his beloved shop, walking stick in one hand and on
e gallon bottle of whisky in the other. As he looked up through the beautiful atrium, the chainsaw landed right on his gleaming bald head and sliced him in two right down the middle.
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