by Amy Lignor
I practically choked on the wine. "Nope."
He stared at me in confusion.
Clearing my throat, I attempted to turn the tables on the stunning man. "This is your night on the fire, Matt. I want to learn all there is to know about this California dude squatting in my house. Chris certainly thinks a great deal of you."
Matt smiled. "Chris is a good kid."
"Kid? He's not much younger than you." I laughed. Chris did have that youthful face that spoke of a man who would never age no matter how many years passed by.
"Well…I'm glad he met Bobby. Bobby seems like a good man," Matt said.
"He is, but it's really odd. It's been like two days; I'm still not quite understanding how close people can become so fast. Weird, huh?"
He looked at me over his glass of wine. "Why weird?"
I shrugged. "I've heard of whirlwind courtships but this is a little ridiculous."
He put the glass down and swallowed. Leaning forward on his elbows, Matt kept his gaze steady. "Never heard of love at first sight? You're a writer, after all."
My heart twitched a bit as his warm breath touched my cheek. "Exactly. That's a theory that only appears in books because it's fiction."
He sat back. "Really?"
"Of course. Life is 'lust at first sight,' my dear. I'm sure you know that concept. Love has to come from somewhere else and that takes time."
"So you never had that feeling?"
"What? Seeing someone across a crowded room?"
He laughed. "Sure."
"No." God, I know I'm a bad liar, but please just let me get away with this one. I really don't want to look like a dork. Besides, it was kind of true—it had never happened to me…until I saw him. Quickly I picked up my fork and started shoveling in the salad. Anything to be able to look away from those probing eyes.
"Hmmm…"
"You?" I tried not to spit a crouton at him.
Matt raised an eyebrow. "Yeah. It's happened."
"See?" I replied. "You're not married, so I would assume that 'moment' IS just fiction."
He looked down at the table, causing the mature female inside to smack me upside the head. "Matt, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I'm sure she would've worked out. Life probably just got in the way."
Instead of a look of sorrow or regret, Matt returned a smile. "We'll see."
Clearing my throat, I reached for the cheese. Again, keeping my mouth full at all times was the only way to go.
~ His ~
For a woman my Mom would refer to as, 'a tough nut to crack,' Beth's emotions really did come across loud and clear on her face.
I almost had a repeat of the coffee incident when she attempted to lie and then dove into the food like a hungry lioness that'd just scored her first bloody carcass in a decade. She looked away, her face grew hot…deflection was certainly something she tried often enough, but she wasn't very good at it.
"First sight aside, I assume you've been in love," I said, already wanting to punch the guy's lights out who'd made her have that 'moment' during her lifetime.
Reaching for the cheese platter, she sent me a simple shrug.
I laughed to myself, knowing Beth was not about to give in. "I've been in love," I admitted.
Beth began to study me as she ate.
I breathed deep. "I had a first love, of course. It was one of those 'Jack and Diane' tales."
Beth pumped her fist in the air. "Go Cougar!"
I smiled. "Yes, Mellencamp certainly knew how to tell the tale of small town life."
As Beth's embarrassment seemed to fade, her skin went back to its soft, natural color. "So, who was this Diane?"
"A girl in high school. We were together a while, fell in love, had a moment of looking out into that big, bad world pretending we were gonna take it on together."
She grimaced. "No dice, huh?"
I looked into the glass of dark red wine and spun it in my hand, watching the small waves circle as if I was somehow looking back in time. "We were kids."
"Sometimes they're the ones that mess you up the worst."
I caught a strange note in Beth's voice and raised my gaze, but she immediately reached for a breadstick and went to work.
"So, what then?" she mumbled.
"I raced out into the world. I knew what I wanted and I knew I wasn't going to stop until I got it."
"Left the prom queen behind, aye?"
I nodded. "Close."
"I'm sure you'll always be the one who got away." Beth smiled, quickly looking away and reaching for another breadstick. "I assume there was love to be found in the big city?"
I tried not snicker; I had a feeling Beth considered me to be far more of a stud than I actually was. "I fell in love with my leading ladies."
She nodded. "Makes sense."
I continued quickly, wanting to make sure she understood that I was not their Romeo, "When you're in a play you usually have to sing the ballad, romance them off their feet, fight by their side—you kind of have to fall in love because they become your partner every night for months on end."
"I would think if you didn't love each other the performance would suck," she said honestly.
I loved the fact that she was so relaxed about love and sex and the fact that I was in an industry that certainly held an abundance of both.
"Romance continued offstage?"
I looked at her face studying mine; the gaze of a blushing girl had disappeared and the look of an interested woman came forth. "A couple."
Beth nodded.
"One lasted two years."
"Must have been real."
"It was." I remembered the Hawaiian beauty with the kind heart. "Just not the right time…not the right woman. I have a tendency to throw myself into my career and, I wanted to really shine, you know?"
I knew she knew. After sealing myself away in her library more than once and reading her words, I knew how very hard Beth had worked to get where she was.
"Ended badly?"
I shrugged. "I stayed friends with most everyone I've ever dated."
Beth issued a loud laugh.
"What?"
"Come on. Everything ends badly, Matt. If it didn't, it would still be in your life."
"Okay." I sat back in the chair. "I've been cheated on. I've been a jerk. I've loved with everything I've had…I thought. Been kicked sometimes but they had been too. I tend to get with women who are a bit dreamy, I suppose, but I always crave the strong one. I want to take care of a woman, but I want her to take care of me right back. I want to support her, but I also want her to understand that I like being left alone sometimes. I like to write songs; I like to think about myself and be stuck up now and then." I said, offering a smile. "And I guess that's a lot to put up with."
Beth seemed to think over the information, and then nodded. "I understand. Everyone needs to take the ego out and polish it once in a while, and some chicks can't deal with that. They're supposed to be your number one priority, not the career."
"They were, I thought, when I was with them."
Her eyes were filled with understanding and, oddly enough, friendship. "I'm sure they were, but a chick needs to step back sometimes too."
I just stared at her. She was always a conundrum. First Beth would reveal a total girl who lived somewhere under all that intelligence and strength, then would make me feel like I was talking to one of my best friends—all understanding and no judgment whatsoever.
"What?" Beth asked. I must've been staring too long.
"I don't get you. I mean, I can't quite get a handle on who you are."
She laughed—one of the softest, deepest sounds I've ever heard. "Oh, hon. I'm not one." Beth pointed at her head covered in that beautiful dark fire, and made a face. "There are more characters and personas living in here than any ensemble you've ever been in. Hell, I don't even know who I am."
I waited a heartbeat. "Yes you do."
Her laughter stopped and she stared at me.
"Yo
u really do."
She raised an eyebrow. "So what makes you a good boyfriend?"
I didn't have to think. "I take it very seriously. You?"
Clearing her throat, Beth reached for another breadstick. "What about your family?"
…The wall remained intact. I should've felt frustrated with her avoidance, but I couldn't. All she did was excite me more. "Well, my Mom loves me and that's the woman you really need on your side.
She nodded. "This is true. What's your Mom like?"
"Oh, boy." I pictured that face that seemed to either be smiling, telling jokes, twisted in frustration, or filled with determination as she helped people. "She's amazing. Sort of like you—she's a whole lot of different women all rolled up into one."
Beth issued a giggle. "Momma's boy?"
"I don't think so. I mean, she's such an inspiration to me…both she and Dad. They have these huge hearts, you know? They went into the healthcare field to seriously help others, and they're really amazing to watch."
Beth rested her elbows on the tale and leaned forward, as if hanging on every word.
"I swear my dad knows everything. If I didn't have this career, if I didn't have such a passion for the arts, I think I'd follow in his footsteps. He's so strong and solid, especially during situations that would make others pass out cold. He's a person that other people lean on." I looked down at my lasagna and shook my head, thinking of the man I so wanted to resemble as I grew older.
"I'm sure they're very proud of you."
I looked up into that face and my breath caught. Taking a moment, I forced that slow and steady exhale so I didn't end up passing out in my plate. "You?"
"My parents?"
"Yeah."
Beth replied, "Strong. Dad was a bit of a dreamer. Sometimes I think he saw the world through rose-colored glasses. He'd been through pain and hardship, but he'd always popped back. He never got to finish school because his family moved around so much, but he was so smart. And he was so caring that, I swear, he should've been a vet." Her eyes sparkled. "When we would go to zoos or parks, animals would flock around him. Mom said that one time a man was being mean to a bull in a pasture, trying to rein it in, or something. Dad got so mad at the guy that he simply walked right up to the bull, put the rope around his neck and led him away."
"A bull?"
"Yeah." Beth grinned. "Animals knew. Kids knew. I think everyone knew when they looked at Dad that they were looking into the eyes of a man who would never hurt a flea." Her eyes glittered with love. "You know how there are certain people that just should be fathers?"
I nodded.
"He was one of those."
I swallowed. "What happened?"
Beth shrugged. "Life." Her voice turned almost robotic, as if recounting a tale she wasn't interested in telling. "He had a brain tumor. They operated. He was fine. Got a 'non-life threatening form' of cancer. Bad treatment." She shook her head. "And he died. I think he wanted his Mom, so he went to her." Clearing her throat, she took a sip of wine.
I backed off. "What about Mom?"
"The ultimate protector. I'm telling you she could've kicked Hitler's ass when he was in his heyday. Mom knew that Dad was so trusting and so kind that he could be hurt easily, so she was like his guard dog.
I laughed. She sounded like my Mom. When that woman got mad, look out!
"Mom had it rough when Dad was sick. She wanted more time. He was too young when he left."
I nodded.
"So, she tried, but she wanted to be with him. I don't care what the 'acceptable' diagnosis was, but it was death from a broken heart."
I took a deep breath. "I'm sorry."
Instead of tears, a light shone in the depths of those eyes that, if it didn't sound so dumb, I would say came from someplace up above.
"They're together. They're happy. It's all good."
God I loved this woman. "…do you believe in that stuff?"
"What stuff?"
"Heaven stuff?"
Beth sat back in her chair.
"I mean, I know that some of your books are about it." I remembered the poster of that beautiful angel; her wings unfurled and her face marred by scrapes and cuts, wounds she'd received while helping others and just doing her job.
"I know there's something beyond this. I've seen too much not to know for sure." She took a deep breath. "When it comes to the angel and warrior team in my books, they're partners—they represent a balance. She has faith in Heaven, he has faith in us. They don't work without each other. But they're not about religion; they're all about trying to figure out why bad things happen, why humans do such horrific things to each other, and how to keep belief in a world that tears people apart. They come from the soul."
"The magazines say your books have changed lives."
Beth snorted. "Let's hope for the better, aye?"
"Don't say it that way."
She looked at me funny.
"Your words are stunning; Father is stunning. When I first read it, it was like…you wrote the words that were in my head. I mean, I never had to go through the decisions he went through, but I understand leaving one path devoted to love and family, for one that's just a dream."
She grinned. "And you succeeded."
"I want more."
"Good."
"What?"
I didn't move as the soft, warm hand covered my own. "The minute you don't want anything. The minute you're completely satisfied—it's all over. So you should always want more."
Beth sat back immediately as if suddenly pinched by an invisible stinger I couldn't see. Taking a sip of wine, she shook her head. "I sound like a bad Hallmark card. Anyway…," she continued, "What about you and the religion thing?"
I tried to switch gears, but I was still very much into the fantasy playing in my head that ended in 'Happily Ever After.' "I don't do church. I mean, I believe in certain…things, but I don't do the church thing."
"Me either." Beth shook her head. "Belief is personal, faith is personal. But most people who say they don't believe are either pissed off because no one's helping them out, or it's just easier for them to nix the idea."
"What do you mean, easier?"
"People say they want proof but, honestly, you wouldn't actually want to see God, Buddha, or anyone else's face because then you'd have to believe. And if He does exist. then there's no one left to blame for your mistakes except yourself. I mean, can you imagine what it would be like for some to have to admit they're not perfect?"
I grinned. I'd never heard it put so simply before. "Would it be hard for you?"
"Pshhh, not at all. I'm a Scorpio, I'm already perfect."
"I have to agree…we are."
Beth grinned. "You too, huh? Yeah, I should've known. Passionate, tough, probably possessive, jealous, mean…"
"Thanks a lot."
"I'm kidding. We're the most loyal of the bunch. When something is ours and belongs to us, we make sure that something is protected from bullets, if need be, we're that good." Her eyes began to study mine once again and I reminded myself to breathe.
I spoke in a whisper, "We're also the most passionate sign, I hear."
She nodded. "Well, we both have a passion for the arts."
"Not what I meant."
"I know," Beth hesitated. "But we also know that with passion comes a lot of other things."
"Happiness?"
She rolled her eyes.
"What?"
"You really are a 'Once Upon a Time' guy, aren't you?"
I thought about her words as my brain sifted through my past. There had been thrills, excitement and pain. There'd been arguments, tears, but mostly the reason they hadn't worked was because we just weren't compatible. They couldn't understand my needs, and I suppose I just stopped listening to theirs. In essence, I had to find someone I loved as much as I loved my dream. And, a bigger hurdle would be that she had to be okay with the competition.
I tilted my head to the side. "You aren't?"
&n
bsp; "Once Upon a Time? Duh. I'm a writer. Of course I am."
I laughed.
"Hard to love a Scorpio, though," she added.
"Hmm…what signs are we compatible with?" I wondered how a woman like this would be interested in horoscopes.
"Pisces. They're calm, very grounded, nurturing people who can put up with our load of bull and whininess."
I grinned. "What about another Scorpio?"
"Oh, they work. But they disagree from time to time—very passionately if rubbed the wrong way."
"And very passionate make-up sessions." I winked.
She shook her head. "They'd probably kill each other."
I watched her grasp her hands in front of her as a twinge of pain crossed her face. "What's wrong?"
Beth released a sigh. "Too much typing. I may just have to ruin the luscious Italian scent in this house with some of that Ben-Gay. I'm like a crack addict for menthol."
Reaching quickly across the table I took her hands and began to massage the long fingers. As I stared at the perfect nails, I remembered how they felt against my chest. The beautiful lavender scent rose from her skin like a veil of calm and I closed my eyes, breathing her in, trying with everything I had to draw her across the table into my arms.
"Have you ever thought of moving away from the East?" The question flew from my lips, although I was scared of the answer.
She tilted her head to the side. "I've been everywhere."
"I mean, move, move? Not just a road trip."
"I never found a home." She shrugged, staring around the comfortable space. "This is part of my family so I keep it, and I have the apartment in New York, but never had a home."
"California's very sunny. No horrific winters—warm all the time." Christ, I sounded like a bad real estate agent.
Beth laughed. "And earthquakes that remind everyone Arizona will one day be oceanfront property."
"Well," I shrugged. "You have to have some thrills in life. Danger's sexy."
"Look, Matt." I watched her take a deep breath as she pulled her hands from mine. "I have a feeling that there's a woman just waiting for you back in that golden sunshine."
"Really?" I sat back, wishing I could turn the conversation back a bit and change paths. "What's she like?"
Her eyebrows furrowed on her forehead, as her study began once again. "Black hair."
