Lila backed up until she hit the wall, the metal paper towel dispenser digging into her back. Her gaze flitted to the door, then back to Tyler’s face. It was the same as she remembered: traditionally handsome and chiseled, his lips pressed into a hard line. He was giving her a strange look. It was something like longing mixed with fury. She felt the blood in her veins go sluggish, her limbs moving as if frozen.
“Lila,” Tyler breathed, crowding into her space. He placed the palm of his hand against the wall near the side of her head. Lila flinched, unable to stop her reaction. Her knees were shaking so hard she wondered how she was still standing. “Why won’t you take my calls?”
She tried to speak, but all she managed was a high, strained noise from the back of her throat. She couldn’t answer, couldn’t do more than squeak. It was like her vocal cords had slammed shut. Her heart pounded in her chest, so loud she was sure Tyler could hear every thunderous beat. Her lungs felt tight, like she couldn’t get any air. The only thing saving her from a full-blown asthma attack was the adrenaline coursing through her.
He leaned in closer, his mouth nearly level with hers. She bumped her head back into the wall, desperate to get some space. “Don’t you miss me?” The smell of beer was rank on his breath. She couldn’t understand why she couldn’t move, why her brain had shut down. Why did he still affect her this way? She wasn’t with him anymore, so why wasn’t she fighting back?
The door opened. A girl walked in, took one look at them, then stammered, “Oh, sorry. I didn’t realize this was, uh, occ— “
Now Lila could move. She shoved past Tyler, dodging his arm when he tried to grab her. “It’s fine,” she said to the confused girl as she hurried out of the bathroom. “I’m leaving.”
She raced toward the front of the restaurant, careening off students standing in the aisles. She reached the table, out of breath and shaking. Gretchen and Shonda had their heads together, laughing. Ryan was pointing out a girl who’d just passed by them, going the other way. Van was talking to someone who’d stopped by the table.
Lila didn’t stop, even though she really wanted the inhaler in her purse. She just needed to get out of there. If she had to stay in that restaurant another minute, she’d go insane and probably start pelting people with macaroni and cheese. Better to try to calm down first. The last thing she wanted to do was cause a scene. And if Gretchen saw her like this, scene was not a big enough word to describe what would happen. She really didn’t feel like bailing her roommate out of jail or paying a doctor to remove Gretchen’s foot from Tyler’s ass.
The night air was cool against her flushed face. She walked a few steps away from the front of the building so she could see the sky. Stars flared above her, like motes of glitter-dust flung onto black felt. She breathed in through her nose, trying to get her lungs to open back up. Her body shook in reaction to seeing Tyler. It was everything she’d been afraid of, but she had no idea of what he still wanted from her. Another chance? A hospital stay was a pretty definitive sign that the relationship was over, at least in Lila’s opinion.
Wrapping her arms around her waist, Lila tilted her head back. She let her eyes slip closed and imagined herself somewhere safe and quiet. Her breath sawed in and out, catching on a wheeze each time she exhaled. She opened her eyes, but kept her gaze trained at the dark sky above, even when it wavered as tears welled in her eyes. She gritted her teeth together, blinking rapidly. She would not cry, damn it. She’d cried too much already.
A hand landed on her shoulder. Lila flinched away, flinging up an arm to protect her head without thinking about it and jerking her body out of contact. “Hey, take it easy,” Van said, sounding startled by her reaction. “I just came to see if you were alright.”
Lila lowered her arm. Great, she was looking more and more like a head case with each passing moment. Perfect. She blew out a breath and attempted to regain a measure of control. “Sure, yeah. I’m fine. Just needed to get out of there. My asthma started bothering me.” Maybe that would explain her flushed face and tears and panic. Yeah, and maybe she was going to wake up tomorrow and sprout wings.
“Do you want me to get Gretchen?” He gestured back inside.
Lila shook her head. “No, that’s okay. I can get my inhaler.” She squared her shoulders to walk back inside, but Van stopped her with an outstretched hand.
“No, it’s cool. You wait out here and take it easy. I’ll grab your bag.” He disappeared inside before she could say anything else.
Rubbing her arms, Lila waited. She didn’t want to look inside the restaurant on the off chance she caught sight of Tyler. Instead she looked up and down the street, keeping her eyes on the people she found there. The streets were full of students bar hopping and celebrating Davis’ win over State, couples out for a Saturday night date, and a few homeless people still trying to panhandle before the cops came by at the end of the night.
She paid attention to the space around her, so she wasn’t surprised when Van said, “Here you go.”
He stood next to her, holding her purse out to her. She took it from him and rummaged around for her inhaler. After two quick puffs, she felt a little better. Of course, now that meant the shakes were setting in and she wanted nothing more than to go back to her apartment and lie down. She felt worn thin, a frayed thread. She didn’t like that Tyler still had such power to affect her.
“Thanks,” she said, grateful for the extra time spent outside. “That really helped.”
He eyed her carefully. “You sure you’re okay? You don’t look like you feel really good.”
Lila sighed. That was a nice way of saying she looked like a pile of Technicolor crap. The bad news was she felt that way too. But she wasn’t about to tell Van what was really bothering her. He already knew too much about her, and she knew next to nothing about him. Van didn’t need to get involved.
The door opened again and the noise of the restaurant spilled into the street. A large group of students were leaving, so Lila moved to the side to give them more room on the sidewalk. She caught the telltale sign of Greek letters and ducked her head. These were members of Tyler’s fraternity. Which meant…
“Hey Lila!” Tyler’s voice cut through the din that trickled out of Bosco’s. “We never finished our conversation!” His wide smile and the tone of his voice made it clear what he was insinuating. He was half-lit and showing off for his friends.
She wanted to sink into the cement of the pavement and get stuck there so she’d never have to show her face again. But before she could respond, Van leaned over and asked, “Do you know this guy?”
Nodding, Lila kept her eyes on Tyler’s face. He’d seen Van talk to her and he wasn’t happy about it. His eyes turned hard, the muscles in his face ratcheting down tight with rage. His nostrils were flaring in and out, a sure sign that he was close to losing his temper.
He stepped up in Van’s face. “Fuck yeah, she knows me! I’m her boyfriend. Who the fuck are you?” Tyler crowded into Van’s personal space, trying to intimidate him.
Van stared at Tyler as if he were something from another planet. But Lila knew that Tyler was dangerous right now and Van didn’t deserve to get caught in the middle of what amounted to her problem. She pushed in between them and yelled, “Ex-boyfriend, Tyler! And he’s a friend, that’s all.” She saw Gretchen leaving her chair. “And last time I checked, you’ve got no say in who I’m friends with!”
Tyler’s face turned red. Lila held her ground, hoping that he wouldn’t try anything with so many witnesses present. Making a public scene wasn’t like him, so she hoped that would stop him from doing something really stupid. He’d be going back to State tomorrow; all she had to get through was tonight.
Another Greek pulled on Tyler’s shoulder. He shook the grip off, but it returned, pulling him away from Van and Lila. “Come on, man. Let’s head back to the house. You don’t need this shit.”
Tyler muttered something that sounded like agreement and allowed himself to be pulled away. Lila released a breath
she’d been holding. She sagged against the building, watching her ex and his friends until they rounded a corner. Then she noticed that her teeth were chattering and her body was shaking in reaction.
“Was that…” Van began, but never got the chance to finish his question before Gretchen swooped in like a Valkyrie.
“Are you okay?” she asked Lila, crowding Van out of the way. “Did he hurt you?”
Lila shook her head, putting her hands up to get Gretchen to give her a little room. “I’m fine, Gretch. He was just drunk.” She took a deep breath, pushing herself away from the wall. “I just need a little space, that’s all.”
“I’ll take her home,” Van offered.
“I’ll go with you,” Gretchen said.
“No!” Lila practically yelled her objection. When both Van and Gretchen swiveled to look at her, she said more calmly, “No. It’s okay, Gretchen. Stay here with Shonda. Enjoy yourself. I’m just going to go to bed anyway.”
Her roommate eyed her dubiously, but finally nodded. “If you’re sure…”
Lila cut her off. “You don’t get to see Shonda much. Go on back in. I’ll be fine.” Gretchen stared at her for a long moment, then gave her a brief but firm hug. She shared a look with Van, something unspoken passing between them and then went back inside.
Letting out a shuddering breath, Lila rubbed absently at her wrist—the one that had been broken. After a moment, she met Van’s eyes. She gave him a weak smile. “I can call a cab.”
“I know you can.” His brown eyes were kind. He turned and began walking in the direction of where he parked his car. “Come on.”
Lila pulled her bag further up her shoulder and set off after him. When he reached the car, he held the door open for her and closed it after she got in. The car creaked when he sat himself in the driver’s seat. They drove for a few minutes in silence. She leaned her head against the window and watched the lights of the cars.
“You want to talk about what happened back there?” Van’s voice was quiet. He didn’t take his eyes off the road.
She was glad that he wasn’t looking at her—it made it easier for her to talk, to think. The whole scene embarrassed her, as if she were somehow to blame for Tyler and his behavior. Her fingers twined around themselves in her lap. “Yes. No.” She laughed quietly, the warmth of the car making her sleepy as the adrenaline faded. “Maybe?”
Van chuckled, flashing a quick glance at her. “Okay.”
“Sorry about what happened back there.” She sighed, rolling her head against the headrest. “Tyler can be a real dick when he drinks.”
They stopped at a red light and Van turned in his seat to look at her. “He’s your ex, right? Why are you apologizing? None of that was your fault, you know that, right?”
Lila opened her mouth to say something, then shut it. What was she apologizing for? When had it become so ingrained in her, that she should apologize for things that weren’t her fault? That she should apologize for just existing? Had Tyler done that? Or had it always been there?
“I know,” she answered after a few minutes had passed. She let her hair fall across her face so he wouldn’t see her expression. “I guess it’s just…habit.”
Van pulled the car into the lot in front of her apartment. Once he put the car in Park, he turned in his seat to look at her. “He was the one being a drunken asshole, not you. He was the one who was acting like an idiot. Not. You. Even if you were still dating him, the way he acts is not your responsibility. It’s his.”
Lila ducked her head. “Thanks. It just…it doesn’t feel that way, sometimes.” I’m trying, she thought. I don’t want to be this way anymore, but it’s hard. It’s like she need a reset button that would put her back to the manufacturer’s defaults. But what Tyler had done to her was going to need more than a simple push of a button.
She opened up her door. “Do you want to come in for a second? For a cup of coffee or something?”
He grinned a little sheepishly. “No coffee, but would you mind if I used your bathroom?”
Lila smirked. “Come on in.”
Once Van had vanished into Gretchen’s bathroom, she put a pot of coffee on. It gave her something to do with her hands instead of wringing them uselessly. She didn’t want to admit it, but she was afraid to be alone in the apartment now that she was here. What if Tyler found out where she lived? It couldn’t be that hard to get that information.
What if he came by?
She swallowed nervously and glanced at the windows. The curtains hid the parking lot. She was debating whether to open them or leave them closed when Van emerged. “I made some anyway,” she said as the aroma of the brew filled the house. “Sure you don’t want some?”
Van leaned against the frame of the kitchen doorway. “Since you’ve already got it going, sure.” He stretched lazily, his shirt riding up a bit so she saw the taut muscles of his abs and the light dusting of hair that disappeared into the waistband of his jeans.
Lila looked away quickly, getting out two mugs. She got out the cream for herself and set the sugar bowl next to his mug. “Black, one sugar, right? I don’t have the espresso.”
He raised his brows, clearly surprised that she’d remember after only a few trips to the coffee shop where she worked. “You remembered?”
Lila shrugged. “It’s one of those useless life skills, I guess. Some people can quote the entirety of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, whereas I can remember how everyone I’ve ever known takes their coffee.” She thought for a second while filling their mugs. “I think I’d rather have the Monty Python ability.”
***
Van watched as she put the carafe back and began doctoring her cup. He laughed lightly, his dark hair falling across his forehead. He brushed it aside before dropping a spoonful of sugar into his mug. He waited while Lila took a seat on the couch, her feet drawn up under her as she leaned into the corner where the seat met the arm. She seemed to relax a bit, her shoulders losing a little of their tightness.
Her watched as her head dropped back against the couch with a sigh. Her neck was a pale and smooth. Van traced it with his eyes, following the line of her throat down to the hollow at its base. He wanted to lap at it, wondering what it would be like to taste her skin. He took a sip of his coffee and willed his thoughts in another direction.
“Did something happen at the restaurant?” Van didn’t know exactly what had happened that made the guy Lila’s ex-boyfriend, but he knew it wasn’t good. That much was evident by his behavior tonight. He was just drunk and stupid, but it had really shaken Lila up. He couldn’t believe the guy would be dumb enough to try something in public. Then again, when you were drunk, good decisions tended to go out the window, right after inhibitions.
Lila’s head snapped up, her shoulders immediately ratcheting up to somewhere around her ears. Good thing she hadn’t been holding her coffee mug; she’d have spilled it all over herself after that reaction. Van watched as she pressed fingers against her eyelids, almost like she was trying to rid herself of something she had seen.
“Look, you don’t have t—,” he began.
“He cornered me back at Bosco’s. When I went to the bathroom,” she said at the same time. Her hazel gaze dropped to her lap.
Van felt an upsurge of anger, electrifying him. He felt like he was balancing on a thousand volt cattle prod—he could practically hear the sizzle of his rage inside him. That wasn’t good. He shouldn’t have feelings like that for Lila. He didn’t want to see her hurt—hell, he didn’t want to see anyone hurt—but to have this level of rage at the thought of that douchebag touching her was excessive. He didn’t want to get too close to this girl who brought out these kinds of feelings in him, not when he had other things to deal with right now, but he couldn’t seem to help himself.
“Did he…,” he wasn’t sure what was acceptable to ask so he trailed off, feeling stupid.
Lila shook her head. “No, Tyler didn’t touch me.” She held her hands open in her lap like sh
e didn’t know what to do with them. “It just was unexpected. He goes to State and I hadn’t expected to see him at Bosco’s.” She looked toward the curtained window. “So when he pushed into the bathroom, I wasn’t prepared for it.”
“Wait,” Van held up a hand, trying to keep his voice low and calm. “He came after you in the girls’ bathroom?”
Her hands gripped her knees tightly; Van could see her knuckles go white. “I wouldn’t call it coming after me…,” she protested, giving him a sad little laugh.
“What would you call it then when some guy barges into the women’s bathroom to harass a girl?” Van really wanted to hear her answer.
Lila refused to look at him. “It wasn’t like he hurt me, okay?” Her voice was a fragile sound, nearly shattering into pieces on the ‘okay’. “He just got in my face and asked me why I didn’t return his calls. Then some girl came in and I was able to get away.”
Van leaned back against the other side of the sofa and eyed her carefully. He both needed to know the answer to his next question, and at the same time he definitely didn’t want to hear her response. “How bad did it get?”
He watched as she reached over and took her mug in her hands. They trembled slightly as she brought the mug to her lips. Van watched her throat move as she swallowed. He waited.
She put the mug back on the coffee table and curled in around herself even more. When she spoke, her voice was a whisper. “Bad. Very bad.”
He leaned forward, touching her upper arm gently with his fingers. “Did you tell anyone?”
Lila shook her head. He wanted to reach over and push the hair away from her face so he could see her expressions, but didn’t want to risk making her uncomfortable. Instead he just waited. He heard her draw a shaky breath, then she said, “I wanted to. I think my roommate probably knew, but she wasn’t someone I felt I could talk to.”
“What about your folks?” Even with as strained as his relationship was with his family, he thought for sure he could tell them something like this.
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