He leaned down, his lips brushing lightly against hers. “It’s a skill,” he murmured, his blue eyes sleepy and very close to hers.
She pulled away slowly, feeling torn. Greg was edging into ‘wonderful’ territory. He was kind and funny, not to mention ridiculously hot. So far, she couldn’t find anything wrong with him. Tyler had been much the same way. Lila thought of Van suddenly. He was fucked up and a jackass, but there had been something there, at least at one point. Did Greg make her feel like Van had? Maybe. She wasn’t sure.
She stood abruptly, needing some space to think. “I should probably get going,” she said as she gathered her things.
Greg didn’t protest or try to talk or out of it. He simply nodded and asked, “Can I walk you home?”
Lila pressed her lips lightly against his. “Sure.” She smiled. “I mean, how else were you going to stalk me?
Chapter Thirty-One
It was her final shift at the café before winter break. She had one more paper to turn in and then she was done. All of her exams were finished and Lila was confident she’d make the Dean’s list this semester. The café was crowded with students and study groups, all of them with their heads down over laptops and notebooks. The clacking of keyboards was the background music; the shop had ditched its satellite radio mix in favor of quiet in light of all of the studying going on. Lila refilled pots of coffee and cleared empty tables quickly in order to keep them clean and open for the next round of exam-hammered students.
The door to the café opened. Lila looked up automatically and wished she hadn’t. Donovan walked in with a guy and a girl she didn’t know. He said a few words to them, then veered off in the direction of the counter. Where she stood.
It was too late to go on break and hide in the back room with the dirty dishes and the industrial grade dishwasher. And this was Lila’s job. She doubted he planned to cause a scene, but if he did, she could throw him out. She got out a mug and waited until he was close enough so she wouldn’t be disturbing any nearby tables before she asked, “Your usual?”
He broke into a tentative smile. It did things to her insides, but Lila did not feel like smiling back. Just because she was some kind of caffeine savant didn’t mean she’d forgiven him and Ryan for making that stupid fucking bet. She was working. Part of her job description included being polite to all of the customers, even to jackwagons like Van and Ryan. If he mistook that for forgiveness, that was his problem.
Lila busied herself with getting his coffee ready, then placed it on the counter in front of him. He already had his money out. She reached across the counter for it, then froze when he dropped his hand over hers.
“Lila, look, I know I fucked up. Can we talk?” His eyes pleaded with her.
“We’re talking now,” she said, keeping her voice level. She was still angry with him.
“Somewhere not so public. Where we can actually have a conversation uninterrupted by the needs of the caffeine addicted. Please?”
Why were guys always apologizing to her? First Tyler, now Van. Did she just always pick ones that would hurt her and then apologize profusely for it after the fact? Was there something wrong with her? Or was it just that hard? Why couldn’t they just not fuck up in the first place?
Lila narrowed her eyes, thinking. She got off work in another hour or so. She had a good start on the paper that was due tomorrow. She could afford to give him fifteen minutes. “Fine. My shift ends in an hour. We can talk out back after I’m done.”
His face split into a relieved grin. “Cool. I’ll be studying with my chem group. Just come and grab me when you’re ready.”
She nodded. “Okay. But I’ve got a paper to write, so I can’t stay long.”
“Understood.” It seemed for a moment that he would say more, but then his face cleared. “Thanks, Lila.” He took his mug of coffee and returned to his study group.
Lila shook her head at herself. What the hell was she doing? He’d shown his true colors. Did she really think he’d have a good excuse for what he did? Why was she even bothering talking to him anyway? They’d had a hook up and it was over. She was enjoying her time with Greg; she didn’t want to get bogged down in what might-have-beens with Van. Whatever she’d had with Van, it was over now, even if her stomach tying itself into fluttery knots at the sight of him.
Lila didn’t understand how the next hour could move so painstakingly slow and yet seem to fly by. All she did know was that she wasn’t ready to talk to Van; she had no idea what she could possibly say to him that didn’t contain the word asshat in it somewhere. It was probably best to just let him do the talking.
She put away the last rack of clean mugs and pushed the next one full of dirty dishes into the washer. Then she wiped down the counter one last time before clocking out on the computer. After collecting her messenger bag, she made her way over to Van’s table. He saw her coming, as if he’d been watching out for her approach and said something to his study mates before meeting her near the tables closest to the front door.
“Let’s go outside,” Lila suggested. She didn’t know what he was going to say to her, but she didn’t want to risk a scene in public. “We can sit in the back parking lot.”
He nodded, following Lila as she walked around the café to the small table set out back where the employees could take a break and get off their feet when the weather was nice. The day was cold, but at least the wind wasn’t blowing. Lila wrapped her scarf more tightly around her throat and fished her gloves out of her jacket pocket. When they reached the wrought iron table, Lila gestured for him to have a seat.
He shook his head. “No thanks. I’ve been sitting all day.”
She plopped down gracelessly, wincing as her denim-clad butt hit the cold metal of the chair. “I’ve been standing most of the day, so I’m going to take a load off.” She didn’t particularly care if he minded or not. Her feet ached. She propped them up on the other chair since Van wasn’t going to use it.
“Thanks for talking to me. I wasn’t sure that you would.” His smile was tentative, uncertain.
“Ten minutes, buddy,” Lila said, pointing at her watch. “Tick tock tick tock.”
“You don’t make it easy on a guy,” he sighed, running a hand through his brown hair.
“Oh, I’m sorry. Should I?” Lila made sure her voice was all bite and teeth. He had no right whatsoever to expect her to make it easy on him. She thought they were friends—maybe with benefits—and he’d gone and made a bet that he could fuck her before Christmas. Last time she checked, that wasn’t in the definition of friendship, benefits or no. Unless she was using the wrong dictionary.
Though that might explain a lot.
Van looked like he was about five seconds away from grabbing and tearing out fistfuls of his hair. Lila felt alternately guilty and pleased with herself. She waited in silence while he gathered his words.
“I know you probably won’t believe me, but I never took Ryan’s bet.”
“Oh well, okay then. That makes everything better!”
“Really?”
“No.” She folded her arms across her chest. “Let me tell you something, whether you took the bet or not, it’s still mighty gross that you would even look at a girl like that. We’re not just a collection of interchangeable faces and disposable body parts, despite what Ryan thinks.” She left out Van, but it was pretty clear that she lumped him into the same category.
“I know! What I’m trying to tell you is that I didn’t think that about you.”
“Really?” she asked, disbelief in her tone. “So Ryan just got the idea that you’d be up for banging a girl on a timetable for money from the ether? He just pulled it out of his ass?”
Van had the decency to look embarrassed. When he didn’t say anything, Lila continued. “I get that you didn’t know me at first. I get that you didn’t know my story—but that shouldn’t have made a difference. I’m a person, not just an anthropomorphic blow up doll for you to act out your fantasies with. And th
e fact that you and Ryan acted like I am is really, really offensive.”
No matter how good the sex was.
“Okay, so it was shitty. I know that. But you have to believe me—when we had sex, that bet was the furthest thing from my mind. I wasn’t even thinking about it. All I wanted was you.” He shook his head. “And now I’m scared that Ryan has ruined whatever is between us.”
Lila felt her heart flutter up somewhere in her throat. God, how long had she wanted to hear those words from someone who wasn’t Tyler, from someone who made her feel good about herself? And Van, well, she was attracted to Van. She liked him. He made her toes curl and he could probably lift the bed with his tongue, which certainly spoke highly of him. But just saying those words didn’t mean he deserved a pass.
Just hearing those words didn’t mean she had to fall all over herself and compromise all the work she’d done to get where she was now. As much as she liked him, he’d done something really shitty. And Lila didn’t know if she wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Gretchen had told her about his history with girls. Van had even admitted to Lila that Gretchen had warned him away from her because of the way he tended to go through girls like tissues. So with all of that information, did Lila really want to trust him?
“Say something.” Van’s voice was a soft, pained thing.
Lila looked up at him, staring at the angle of his cheeks, the jut of nose and brow. “I wanted you too,” she said slowly, as if making up her mind about something. “And I don’t regret sleeping with you.” Those were true things, and she wanted to be honest with him, with herself. “But I meant what I said that first time we made out. I’m not interested in dating you.”
Lila knew that it wasn’t what he wanted to hear. The flash of hurt that passed across his face like a dark cloud confirmed it. “Wh-what?”
Sighing, she pulled her feet off the chair and gestured for Van to sit down. He dropped into the seat, a stunned look on his face, almost as if he didn’t believe what he’d just heard. “Why did you really want to talk to me?” she asked. “It wasn’t just to apologize. What were you hoping would happen?”
Van rubbed a hand over his face, as if he was just waking up. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “I just know that I hurt you. And I didn’t like it.”
“Why did that matter to you?” She was pretty sure he’d hurt lots of girls, if Gretchen was to be believed. “What made me so different?”
He threw up his hands. “I don’t know! I just didn’t want you to think I’m an asshole!”
Lila frowned, and then got to her feet. So it was about what she thought of him, not that he was actually sorry. “I don’t think you’re an asshole,” she answered. “A self-absorbed shithead, maybe, but not an asshole. Happy?”
She saw the confusion on his face as she pulled her bag back over her shoulder. He stared at her for a moment then stumbled to his feet. “Where are you going?”
Lila dragged a hand through her hair, suddenly exhausted. And she still had a paper to write. Great. “Van, I’ve worked a long shift and I still have work to do. So if we’re done here, I really need to get going.”
“But…”
She didn’t let him finish. “We’re good, okay? You got what you wanted. I forgive you or whatever.” Lila thought he flinched, but couldn’t think about that now. Van had no idea what he wanted besides feeling better about himself and she just didn’t have time for that. She couldn’t bring herself to care. She didn’t want or need another project, didn’t want someone who needed fixing. And there was Greg. He didn’t require all this effort. Greg was solid. “I’ll catch you later.”
Lila stalked away, feeling wrung out. She felt Van’s eyes on her until she turned the corner of the building and he couldn’t see her anymore. Her shoulders slumped as she walked down the sidewalk, and she was glad she was heading for home in a few days. She needed a break. Even the possibility of running into Tyler didn’t bother her as it once would have. This semester had been stressful and she wasn’t going to be sad to see it go.
Her phone rang. She pulled it out of her coat pocket, checking the number. It was Greg. She felt herself smile, surprised at the happy feeling that bubbled up in her stomach. “Hey,” she answered.
“Hey back,” he said, and she could hear the grin in his voice. “So I know you’re swamped with end of term stuff, but I wanted to ask you something.”
“Okay, shoot.”
“I was wondering if maybe I could see you over break. I’m only a half hour or so away, so maybe we could get together?” There was a hopeful edge in his words.
“You know what, Greg?” Lila felt good when she spent time with him. He didn’t make her doubt herself or what she was doing. He was uncomplicated, but in a good way. “I would really like that.”
“Cool. It’s a date.”
Lila nodded to herself. Not yet, she thought. But it would be.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Lila flipped through her final paper for her psychology of fairy tales class before turning it in. After her talk with Van, she’d stayed up most of the night hammering out the revisions it needed. She’d managed a few hours of sleep before her alarm went off, and she woke up strangely refreshed. Now she stood in front of her professor’s office door, waiting for the student currently inside to leave. Then her fall term would be officially over.
“Come on in, Lila,” Professor Tully called.
She waited for the student to exit down the hall, then stepped into the brightly lit office. A wall of windows let in the late fall sunlight. Prof Tully sat with his back to it, so he and his desk were just a blot of darkness until her eyes adjusted to the light in the room. She blinked a few times and held out her paper. “Just wanted to drop this off.” She hitched her messenger bag higher on one shoulder. “And I wanted to let you know that I really enjoyed your class.”
Tully studied the cover page of the paper. “Sleeping Beauty, eh.” Then he looked up. “I look forward to reading it. You’ve had some really insightful comments in my class this term.”
Lila felt a pleasant rush fill her. “Thank you.”
“So why Sleeping Beauty?” He tapped her paper with an index finger.
She smiled. “It isn’t particularly intellectual.”
“Now I’m curious.”
“I was always a fan of Maleficent. She was more interesting to me than Sleeping Beauty.”
“I expect you found the original version is a lot different from the Disney version that most of you grew up with.” His voice was dry, but amused.
She nodded. “I did.” With a nod, she said, “Thanks for the class. Have a good holiday.”
Lila escaped back into the hall with a relieved breath. That hadn’t been the real reason she’d picked Sleeping Beauty for her character study, but she didn’t want to tell Professor Tully the real reason behind her choice. How could she tell him that she sometimes thought she understood what it was like to be an unconscious participant in her own life? That was why she was drawn to Sleeping Beauty these days.
When she woke up in the hospital, Lila felt like she’d finally come back to herself after being divorced from her body for a long time. As if a part of her had been forced aside, unconscious, and suddenly all of her was back. She hadn’t realized how much of herself she’d given away or hidden in her relationship with Tyler. And she’d done it willingly.
Now that she was awake, she wanted to try to understand how it had happened. She’d had no prince come and kiss her; just the opposite in fact. So what had triggered her sudden awakening? Her concussion? Her upcoming move? Her own self-disgust?
When had she decided that she was worth more than being someone’s punching bag?
Her phone buzzed at her and Lila pulled it out of her coat pocket. Another unrecognized number. It was probably Tyler. Instead of letting it go to voicemail like she always did now, she answered. “Hello?”
“Lila.” Tyler’s voice. It wasn’t the mocking one he u
sually used with her. There was an edge to it.
“Tyler.” She looked around just to see if he was anywhere she could see him. It was a habit. But now, she didn’t feel the spike of fear in her stomach at the sound of his voice. “Whose phone are you using?”
Silence. Lila waited him out. She must have surprised him by not immediately hanging up on him. Finally he answered. “Some girl’s.” Quickly, he said, “Don’t hang up!”
Lila expected to feel something. She was a little shocked when she didn’t feel anything. Not sorrow, not relief, not much of anything. “Have you hit her yet?” Her voice was as cold as the ice that rimmed the handrails.
His voice was soft. “No.”
“Why are you still calling me?” She tucked her free hand underneath her arm and leaned most of her weight on one hip.
“Did you tell my coach anything about us?” A pause. “Lila?”
Lila stared at the phone in her hand like it had started speaking in tongues at her. Tyler sounded remarkably calm. “No,” she answered, shocked into honesty. “Why would I do that?”
“To get back at me.” He sighed through the phone, a burst of static sound. “It’s good to hear your voice.”
“What the hell is going on, Ty?” Lila didn’t understand where this was coming from.
“I’m on probation. My grades and something else—I don’t know.” He sounded near tears. “I’m tanking, Lil.”
Lila shook her head. If she’d reported him, Tyler would have been lucky not to be thrown off the team entirely or booted out of school for his behavior. But she hadn’t said anything. Tyler had a hard time not being the best on the team; Lila always wondered if that’s what started him hitting her.
“What do you expect me to say?” Lila didn’t feel bad for him. He deserved a lot worse in her opinion. “Why did you call me, really?”
“I miss you, Lil. I miss us. I guess, I was hoping…maybe…I don’t know. I don’t even know why I called.” Again, he sounded like the old Tyler. The one before the ER visits.
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