by Liane Shaw
“They’ll still say no. We can’t prove that everyone is going to come.”
“They can’t prove that everyone isn’t going to come either. And Clare said that lots of people are likely to show up at the last minute without ever even looking at the event page. There could be hundreds of people here.”
“Hundreds? Do you really think that’s possible?” My voice is somewhere between amazed and horrified.
“If you had asked me six months ago, I would have told you that the idea of a Pride parade in this town would be the farthest thing from possible in the whole freaking universe. And now we’re less than two weeks away, and it looks like all kinds of people are going to come. Literally anything is possible these days.”
“Maybe you’re right. I would never have thought I’d be in the middle of this.”
“In the middle? Are you kidding, Jack? You’re right at the front of it. The big boss-man. The rest of us are just following your lead. Except right now I can’t follow you because I have to go home.” He gives me a quick salute and heads over to the change room.
I sit on the edge of the pool and look at the water. They’ll be in here cleaning up any minute now, but for this moment I’m alone.
It means a lot that Ryan left me here beside the water. That he didn’t wait the way he usually does to make sure that I’m safely out of the community center before leaving me on my own. That he obviously trusts me now and believes that I’m doing okay and understands that I don’t want to use large bodies of water for anything but places to think and swim.
I am okay. I keep telling Matthew that, but he won’t cancel my sessions until he decides he fully believes me. Which he obviously doesn’t. But Ryan does. And Benjamin. Even Cody, who is starting to turn into something resembling a really weird friend.
And I think my mother might have started to believe me too. She’s been amazing recently. She had Ryan’s mom over last night and the two of them made rainbow armbands for the security guys to wear. I thought it was crazy to think that all those tough guys would wear them, until I found out that it was Cody’s idea in the first place. Like I said, weird.
I think Mom’s still worried about the distant future, though, and is scared that I’m not going to make it into her idea of heaven. That I’ll be turned away at the pearly gates when they find out I spent my life being attracted to guys. But she seems to be getting closer to understanding the idea that while I’m down here on earth, I’m going to find love and happiness in my own way.
I’ll always have a different heaven from hers. In her heaven, everyone starts fresh, reborn into something better than before. Blind men can see, and the lame can walk…and I would guess the gays become “straight” if they make it that far. In other words, everyone becomes the same. Walking, talking, and flying. I guess because they’re all white-clad angels with wings.
In my heaven, it doesn’t matter what you wear or what you can do. No one cares who you want to love or spend time with. Everyone is accepted for exactly who he or she is and no one even thinks of being anything but kind.
It is all about kindness when you get right down to it, whether you’re in some version of the afterlife or still living this one. It’s the only thing that matters. If everyone just decides to treat everyone else with kindness, it all goes away. Intolerance, disrespect, racism, homophobia, misogyny, bullying, and all the other horrible words we’ve had to invent just to find a way to label the endless crap people seem to feel the need to throw at each other…all wiped out by one simple command. Be kind.
It’s just so simple that I can’t understand why everything is always so complicated.
twenty-five
I’m standing on the grass beside Ryan, watching the two cars pull over to the curb and park. I can feel a smile stretching across my face as I wait to see the people who showed me that there is a whole world out there different from the one I’ve been living in my entire life. It seems like it just happened thirty seconds ago, but it’s been almost a full year now since Comic Con. Since the very first time I met people who looked at me like they thought I was someone interesting and worth knowing, not just some weird freak who hangs out by the river and has crushes on boys.
I met Caleb on the first day of the festival. He was the first gay person I had ever talked to in my life. I couldn’t believe how incredible that felt. He was so nice to me, and we talked for what felt like hours. He told me all about different support networks that help people like me. He talked about his friends and some of his own experiences. And on top of everything else, he was dressed as Wonder Woman, which was so cool that I almost couldn’t stand it. I have to admit, I was a little disappointed when he told me that he only did the dressing up deal for Comic Con and that he liked to alternate between male and female characters just to keep things interesting. Even though meeting someone else who’s gay was the most amazing moment of my life to that point, I had still kind of hoped that his sexy skirt and made-up eyes were more than just part of a character he was pretending to be for a day.
But then there was Lucas.
The first time I laid eyes on him, I literally could not look away. Caleb had invited me to meet his friends, and I was sitting in the eating area trying to have lunch while praying that I wouldn’t do anything embarrassing or stupid. But I didn’t have to worry because everyone was incredibly friendly and accepting. Some of them were doing the cosplay thing and others were wearing cool, colorful clothes that didn’t really represent any particular character other than themselves, and one or two people were dressed almost as casually boring as I was.
Oh, but Lucas outshone them all. Tall, muscular, and gorgeous. Dressed as Emma Frost and chowing down on french fries while daintily wiping his lips every few seconds so his silver lipstick didn’t smear. His eyes sparkled with glittery shadow that looked like it was made out of crushed diamonds or something, and he had the longest lashes I’d ever seen other than on a screen. His hair was a long sweep of snow-white that he kept flinging back dramatically from his face when he wanted to punctuate something he was saying. Everyone else at the table, including the people in full character dress, paled by comparison, even though there was no color in his costume other than silver and white. Since I had completely chickened out in the costume department, I felt as drab as a plain brown caterpillar staring at some iridescent butterfly. But I didn’t really mind because I got the feeling that everyone else at the table felt exactly the same way when Lucas was around, and that they all liked him so much that no one really cared.
I desperately wanted to talk to him and find out if this was just a costume like Caleb’s or if it was actually part of who he was. I sat there for what seemed like forever, tongue-tied and desperately trying to find a way to ask a complete stranger something so personal. I had just come up with a brilliant opening line, when Cody, Ryan, and a couple of girls they’d hooked up with crashed my party. The minute they arrived on the scene, I felt like I was back in the Thompson Mills High cafeteria again, and I could actually feel myself shrinking down into my seat.
The girl standing with Ryan was dressed as Rogue from the X-Men, which looked kind of cool with Ryan’s Wolverine costume. I looked over at his perfect makeup job. I wonder if he told her I did it for him. Cody was dressed as Captain America and had been spending most of the weekend strutting around like he thought he actually had super powers. Although, he wasn’t looking so super standing at a table full of people who seemed to make him remarkably uncomfortable. The thought made me happy and I grinned at him, but he didn’t smile back.
Lucas reached over all of a sudden and pulled Rogue over to his side and down onto the white sequined leggings that clung to his muscular legs. The girl giggled as she landed and started helping herself to his fries.
I still remember the look on Ryan’s face when she called him over to the table and introduced him to her brother, Lucas.
Ryan started actin
g all weird and macho, which was funny seeing as he was trying to impress a guy in sequins. I’m not sure how impressed Lucas was with the guy who was trying to score with his baby sister, Clare. He held onto the handshake long enough to make Ryan wince. That made me smile from the inside out.
After lunch, Ryan asked me to come with him to check out the rest of the presentations, which was basically pathetic seeing as it was obvious he was trying to spend as much time as possible alone with Clare. I would definitely have cramped his style if I were hanging around. Babysitting 101. I said no and ended up having the best day of my life. Well, the best “before Benjamin” day of my life.
“Jack! I’m so happy to see you in person!” Clare interrupts my little trip down to memory land as she flies across the grass and grabs me into a hug. I hug her back, glancing over her shoulder at Ryan who is looking at her with a besotted smile on his face. She leans back and gives me a kiss on the cheek, then goes over and plops herself down in Ryan’s lap.
“Hello there, gorgeous!” Lucas sashays over to me on three-inch stilettos that look like they’re going to snap in half any second. Where did he find shoes like that for feet like his? There’s nothing small about Lucas. He’s at least six one and his feet have to be size eleven.
“Hi Lucas,” I say, my voice muffled into oblivion as he grabs me in a bear hug. He also leans back and gives me a kiss but his is right on the mouth. It’s the first time I’ve been kissed on the lips by a guy. Not the guy I was aiming for, but I grin at him anyway.
“This is my friend, Jackson, the amazing organizer of the grand event,” he says, pulling another man I haven’t met before toward me by the arm. “Jackson, this is my fiancé, Jamal. I do love saying that!”
“I’m really happy to meet you. Clare and Lucas talk about you a lot.” Jamal reaches over to shake my hand. He’s tall, but a bit shorter than Lucas. Bigger though, muscles over muscles in a way Cody would envy. He’s wearing jeans and a T-shirt, which will make him fit in Thompson Mills just fine. He’s also Black, which will make him stand out from the crowd of mostly white faces here.
“Heya, kid!” Caleb steps up with a giant grin and does the handshake thing also. I squeeze his hand tightly for a second before letting go.
“It’s awesome to see all of you. I can’t believe you’re all actually here. I can’t believe the parade is the day after tomorrow!” I’m so glad there are reinforcements. Now that the day is almost here, I’m walking around in a haze of panic.
It’ll be even better when Benjamin gets home too.
“We’re glad to be here. And everyone else from Bainesville will be thrilled. We’re expecting quite a crowd,” Lucas says.
“I know. The numbers online are crazy. It’s up over a hundred. It’s like some kind of dream sequence or something,” I tell him. One hundred and six, as of last count.
“Oh, it’s going to be much bigger than that. I imagine there are lots of people who will arrive without bothering with social media. I never bother with it.”
“Yes, you do, Lucas!” Clare says.
“Well, I seldom use it then. It’s so…yesterday.”
“Which I’m pretty sure is the last time you used it!” Clare laughs. “So, are they closing the road?” she asks from her perch on Ryan’s lap. He smiles at her as if she just said something brilliant. What a sap.
“Not yet. Mr. Greenman slash Mayor said we’ll take a wait-and-see approach. He doesn’t believe the numbers.”
“He’s wishing that no one will come. He’s terrified that the media will have something to report,” Ryan says, nuzzling his nose against Clare’s arm while she ruffles his red hair. Seriously sappy.
Man, I wish Benjamin was here right now. Not that we’re at the sappy lap-sitting stage or anything, but still…
“They’ll have lots to report. This is going to be fabulous. Better than.” Lucas heads over to the car and grabs a giant suitcase. I look over to where he’s standing in his pretty green skirt and matching high-heeled shoes with a big black bag tucked under one arm like a football. I know that most people around here would just about pass out if they saw him coming their way, but to me he just looks like Lucas. Big, bold, and sure of who he is. When I grow up, I want to be exactly like him.
“Where are we bunking?” he asks, marching up the front pathway toward the house.
“Oh, you and Jamal are staying here. Caleb and Clare are staying at Ryan’s.” Lucas stops, sets the bag down, and turns around slowly, giving Ryan the stink eye.
“And exactly where is it that Clare is staying at Ryan’s?” he asks, staring Ryan down.
“She is staying in the guest room, beside my parents’ room, and at the other end of the hall from mine. Caleb is sleeping in the room between my parents’ and mine,” Ryan says quickly as Clare laughs.
“That better be true,” Lucas says.
“It is true. You haven’t met my mother. You won’t be worried once you do. Which you will tonight at dinner, because she’s having everyone over. Jack’s mom has to work until six, so Mom figured we’d all eat at our place.”
“Oh, we don’t want to put your mother out either. Isn’t there a restaurant in town? I’ll treat.” Lucas reaches for his purse.
“No, believe me, you don’t want to have supper at the Supe. My mom is more than happy to have everyone. My dad does most of the cooking anyway. He’s kind of an amateur chef.”
“Sounds wonderful. We’ll get settled here and head on over.” Lucas heads back up the front walk, strutting along with the bag as if it weighs nothing. Jamal follows behind with a small carry-on-sized bag.
He grins at me. “I travel light. It balances us out a bit.”
“Makes sense. I’m just going to say good-bye to these guys and then I’ll be in to show you your room.” He nods and follows Lucas. I turn to Ryan.
“What time should we be there?”
“Anytime you want. Mom’s already home so there’ll be food starting any time. Are you okay?” He looks up toward the house, where Lucas is just arriving at the door. We had debated the best way to find beds for everyone. At first, I wasn’t sure that introducing my mother to Lucas would be the best start to the next phase of her LGBTQ+ education. But we only have one extra bedroom and Ryan has two, so practicality won the day.
Besides, Lucas is awesome. If anyone can win my mom over, he can.
“Yeah. I’m great,” I tell him, waving as I head up the walkway and into the house with Lucas and Jamal.
“So, this is the spare room. It’s not much, but Mom changed the sheets on the bed for you and everything.” Lucas grins at me as he and Jamal look through the doorway at the double bed and small dresser surrounded by drab gray walls. I follow their gaze and wince. I should have bought some posters and tacked them up or something. This place is awful.
“It’s perfect. Are you sure you’re okay with this? With your mom?” Lucas says. He knows all about my mom and her struggles with accepting me.
“Yes. She was pretty cool when I explained that you only need one bed. At least she pretended to be. Besides, she’s got to learn some time, right?” Lucas looks at me, arms folded, one green-pointed toe tapping.
“Well, maybe she doesn’t have to learn everything in one weekend. Having an engaged couple here might be enough. You told Clare that she wouldn’t be here when we arrived, so I just came as I am, but I brought some reverse drag outfits and I have lots of makeup remover on hand if you think it would help. I can keep all of this out of sight.” He does a sweeping gesture down his body with both hands and then looks over at his fiancé. “Jamal already passes, I think.”
I think about it for a few seconds. My mom is really trying to get her head around all of this. She’s been helping get ready for the parade, even though she can’t come because she’s working. She works six days a week, which I’m pretty sure is against some kind of labor law. She’s ti
red all of the time but is still making an effort. Is it too much to expect her to handle seeing Lucas in a dress and makeup? Should I ask him to switch it up? He’s standing there looking awesome but willing to change it all to make life easier for me. I shake my head.
“No. I’m not going to ask you to hide who you are. That’s what this is all about, isn’t it? Coming out into the light. Not hiding anymore.”
“All right then. I have to change.”
“I just said you don’t have to change.” I look at him in confusion. He and Jamal both laugh.
“I can’t wear this old thing to dinner,” Lucas says. “I’ve been sitting in it for hours. I need to make a good first impression.” He grabs the big black bag and starts pulling things out of it. Clothes and shoes. Hats and wigs. A jacket in case it suddenly turns cold in June. It all starts piling up on the bed until I can’t see the blanket anymore. He’s like a really big version of Mary Poppins and her magic bag. He stops for a moment and considers me.
“This is about not hiding anymore. Anytime you’re ready, I’m always willing to share.” He sweeps a hand across the pile on the bed. I look at it for a few seconds and nod slowly.
“That would be great. I think I’d need some help figuring out what would suit me. This is like a pop-up store.”
“This is only the half of it,” Lucas says, laughing.
Jamal shakes his head, smiling at Lucas in a way that melts my heart. “The half of it? I would say it’s more like the tenth or twelfth of it.”
“Guilty as charged.” Lucas holds out his arms toward Jamal as though he’s expecting handcuffs.
“I think I’ll let you get settled. I have to do a few things. We’ll head over to Ryan’s when you’re ready.”
“I hope you’re not in a hurry.” Jamal laughs, looking at Lucas again with an expression that I can only dream of seeing in someone’s eyes someday.
Someone who’s going to be here tomorrow. I can’t wait. I know people always say that, but I actually feel like I can’t. Like my head might explode at the thought that he’s still twenty-four hours away from coming home. I want to hop into Caleb’s car and drive until I see Benjamin’s face live and in person again.
