Maybe Mose would change once they were wed. Mose would take her in his arms, and her heart would be comforted—if she could make it through the months ahead. That was the trial, and obviously Mose knew this and planned to test her to the fullest. This was Mose’s right, Miriam reminded herself. She had revealed her flaws to him when she kissed Tyler Johnson. Thankfully, Mose still planned to marry her. For that she ought to get down on her knees each night and give thanks to the Lord.
Miriam glanced up toward the heavens and whispered, “Thank You,” but her heart felt like lead. Well, there was nothing she could do about that except wait until the vows were said and love for Mose came into her heart.
Star jerked his head skyward as they approached the Byler driveway. He whinnied as if he wished to add his own prayer. A slight smile crossed Miriam’s face but vanished at once. She pulled the buggy to a stop beside the new barn and climbed down. Her heavy heart would lift by the time school began after the New Year, Miriam promised herself. She couldn’t appear in front of her students with this sadness on her face. She hoped they hadn’t noticed the depth of her sorrow so far. She had tried to show a happy face each day, but ever since the bann she had struggled to maintain a cheerful attitude in school.
A startled look crossed Miriam’s face when the front door opened and Aunt Fannie hurried out to meet her.
“What is it?” Miriam called out. Had she been wrapped up in her own troubles while something terrible had happened at home again?
“This just came.” Aunt Fannie caught her breath to wave an envelope. “A letter from Mose. I thought you needed to see it at once.”
“Is there news?” Miriam clutched Star’s bridle with both hands.
“Silly,” Aunt Fannie said. “I wouldn’t read your mail, but it’s the first one from your promised one to arrive after he’s been here. I thought it might cheer you up.”
Nothing will cheer me up, Miriam almost said. Instead, she forced a smile. “I suppose I should read it right now—after I put Star in the barn.”
Aunt Fannie helped Miriam unhitch the buggy and followed her to Star’s stall where she said, “I know you remember the time several years ago when William found out that I kissed my Englisha boyfriend after I began dating him. I feel bad when I remember how supportive you were back then and how little comfort I’ve been to you as you went through a much worse situation.” Aunt Fannie hung her head.
“You mustn’t blame yourself,” Miriam protested. “No two situations are alike.”
“Still, I feel so helpless,” Aunt Fannie continued, taking Miriam’s hand. “You seem to always make the right choices, even when they’re hard. I trembled when I was faced with a little church confession, and here you went through the bann.”
Miriam forced a laugh. “Only for a week, and Mose made it easy.”
“You know that’s not true. The bann is never easy.” Aunt Fannie gave Miriam a tight hug again. “Come, let’s eat a quiet supper, and tomorrow we have nothing to do but celebrate the Lord’s birthday.”
“Are we staying home?”
“Is there somewhere you’d like to go?” Aunt Fannie gave Miriam a kind look. “Because I can arrange something.”
“Nay, I’d much rather stay home.” Miriam tried to appear cheerful.
Aunt Fannie didn’t appear convinced. “Maybe William’s family has something going we can attend.”
Miriam shook her head. “No, thanks. I’m fine staying home.”
“Well, okay,” Aunt Fannie gave in. “I guess most of the community is taking a quiet day off since school didn’t let out until Christmas Eve.”
Miriam hung her head. “That’s my fault. My sins seem to follow me everywhere I go.”
“Oh, you poor dear!” Aunt Fannie exclaimed as she took Miriam’s hand and rubbed it in affection.
“My letter.” Miriam held up the envelope. “I should go read it. And then I’ll be right down to help with supper.”
“You take your time.” Aunt Fannie held the front door open for them as Jonathon raced out of the kitchen to leap into Miriam’s arms.
Miriam held him tight and kissed the top of his head.
“There’s ice cream tonight!” Jonathon yelped when Miriam let him go.
Miriam turned to her aunt. “You made ice cream?”
“A little something special to cheer you up,” Aunt Fannie said, wiping away a tear.
Jonathon looked like he didn’t know what the tears were about, and so with a shout of joy he ran off to play outside.
“I’ll read Mose’s letter and be right down,” Miriam declared.
Miriam hurried upstairs. She opened the envelope and took out the single page. But she shouldn’t be disappointed at its shortness, Miriam told herself. Even short letters could supply some measure of comfort.
Miriam read quickly…
Dear Miriam,
Greetings in the name of the Lord. I had a blessed trip back to Wayne County this past week, though bus travel always makes for weariness of body and soul. The Lord’s grace was with me. I arrived home to find the farm work suffering, but I hope to catch up after Christmas. My mother has Christmas breakfast planned at her place, and I can’t miss that. One shouldn’t work on the Lord’s birthday anyway, even if the date is a little questionable, coming from the Englisha as it does.
My sisters brought in plenty of food for over the holidays, but that can’t go on forever. I couldn’t impose to such an extent even if they had the time. I think you met them when you visited here, but I know everything was a little strange that Sunday. That will change once we are wed and you have moved into the house here in Wayne County.
All three of my sisters have large families of their own. One has three kinner, and the other two have five each. My six brothers are likewise blessed with kinner. The oldest brother, Michael, has eight. I pray that the Lord will likewise grant grace to us. This matter has been heavy on my mind since I have been back from Oklahoma. The shame of the past will lie far behind us if the Lord will make our marriage fruitful. I pray the Lord will see fit to grant this desire of my heart. In my new calling as bishop, I long for a ministry that is successful both in the church and at home. I know this cannot happen unless kinner are granted to us. I trust that you will join me in prayer on this matter.
I will preach the Sunday after Christmas for the second time since my bishop ordination. And my first communion service will be in the spring. There will be plenty to keep my mind and soul occupied. And of course there is the farm work, which will be heavy this spring.
I pray that you are well and continue to walk in the Lord’s will.
Sincerely,
Mose Stoll
Miriam bit her lip as the tears stung. Not one kind word. Had that been too much to expect after all that she had done for Mose while he visited? Couldn’t he at least have expressed his love for her? Aunt Fannie’s kindness had soothed her spirit, but she wanted the love of the man she planned to marry. Surely that wasn’t too high an expectation?
A twinge of bitterness stirred, and Miriam suppressed the emotion at once. She must not go there! Ever! That road led nowhere. Obedience to Daett and now to Mose was the life she knew. That road might be rough, but she should be honored to become the wife of a bishop. And her kinner would be blessed to have such a daett.
Miriam folded the page quickly. She would not think of kinner right now, or of Mose. Aunt Fannie had ice cream downstairs, and the family would eat, and laugh, and enjoy each other’s company tonight. Tomorrow she would rest. With her body renewed, perhaps she would feel better about all of this.
Miriam took a deep breath and hurried downstairs.
“You do look more cheerful,” Aunt Fannie pronounced as she walked in the kitchen.
Miriam didn’t say anything. Aunt Fannie didn’t need to know how little the letter had comforted her.
“Shall I bring the ice cream up?” Miriam asked, heading toward the basement door before Aunt Fannie could answer. Jonathon, who had
already come back inside for supper, was in the basement, parked in front of the hand-cranked freezer. Little dribbles of ice water ran down the side of the wood and past his toes.
“It’s delicious,” Jonathon said happily.
“Did you eat some?” Miriam scolded.
The guilt on Jonathon’s face was answer enough. “Only a fingertip, that’s all.”
“You shouldn’t,” Miriam explained. “If the container is still inside the salty ice water and you lift the lid off, salt can get into the ice cream.”
“It didn’t,” Jonathon assured her. “But please don’t tell Mamm.”
“The salt will tell the story.” Miriam gave him a stern look. “Remember that. Sins are always found out.”
He nodded soberly. Miriam considered that was a lesson she learned herself the hard way. The salt had definitely betrayed her.
“Can I help?” Jonathon held out both hands when Miriam lifted the stainless steel container from the ice water.
“Grab the bottom,” she ordered. “And hold on until I get a better grip.”
He clung to the container as if his life depended on the effort. Miriam looked at his innocent face and tears formed as she wondered, Will I one day have wonderful kinner like Jonathon? She couldn’t imagine it when she remembered Mose’s stern face. Would he allow joy and happiness in their home and ice cream on Christmas Eve, or would life be all work, and duty, and seeking the church’s blessing?
“Does the salt make you cry?” Jonathon appeared puzzled. He adjusted his grip, and Miriam did likewise.
“Let me take it now,” Miriam said lightheartedly.
Jonathon seemed to forget his question as he followed Miriam upstairs. His eyes glowed as she set the container in the kitchen sink and dipped the ice cream out with a spoon. His finger crept forward again, and Miriam touched his leg with her foot. Jonathon jumped, and a look of guilt rushed over his face.
But he still protested. “I can’t get any salt in it now.”
“Depend on a child to figure out a way around everything,” Aunt Fannie said.
“It’s still better not to,” Miriam told Jonathon.
Jonathon took his place at the table and stared expectantly at the ice cream heaped high in its new home.
Footsteps were heard coming through the washroom door, followed by Uncle William’s cheerful face. He hollered, “What have we here? Ice cream!” He seemed even happier than Jonathon. Warm circles rushed around Miriam’s heart. At least tonight some joy had crept back into her life.
“Now, go wash up and come for supper,” Aunt Fannie ordered.
Uncle William’s face darkened for a moment as he turned to Miriam. “Thought you ought to know that Tyler fellow is back in the community. He stopped in at Deacon Phillips’s today. He’s come back to say how sorry he is for how things have gone with the fires and the police and all.”
“Oh, William! Did you have to say that!” Aunt Fannie snapped. “We’re having a quiet evening at home. Miriam doesn’t need more stress in her life.”
“Sorry,” Uncle William muttered. “But Miriam doesn’t have to worry. We all understand the danger now.”
Miriam dropped the ice cream spoon and fled into the living room to compose herself. What would her aunt and uncle say if they knew the unwanted thrill that had shot through her at the mention of Tyler’s name? The thrill quickly turned to shame, though, and Miriam knew she must try to somehow save this evening and not drag the rest of the family down with her. They deserved to enjoy their ice cream with joy in their hearts. She would fake joy; there was no other option. And later she would cry out to the Lord once she was alone upstairs. She would have to beg once more that somehow the Lord would change her heart. She could not go down this path with Tyler again.
With a set face Miriam reentered the kitchen. Thankfully, Aunt Fannie didn’t say anything, but joined in with her effort at laughter and light conversation as the meal began.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Miriam closed the schoolhouse door and stepped out into the light dusting of snow swirling around the corner of the building. The wind pulled on her scarf. Winter had decided to make an appearance just in time for the first day of school after the Christmas recess. The chill cut through her dress, and Miriam pulled the thin coat she had grabbed this morning tighter around her shoulder. Tomorrow she would have to wear warmer clothing.
A few of the Englisha houses in the distance still twinkled with their Christmas lights in the front windows, but none of the cheer reached Miriam. Inside, an even deeper winter cold lay heavy on her soul. It had been there since Christmas Eve and showed no signs of abatement. If there were snowdrifts of the heart, hers were ten feet high and still piling up.
Halfway to the small shelter where Star waited, Miriam lifted her face into the wind and squinted. Was that Tyler’s rental car? She was sure a vehicle was creeping up the school’s driveway. Miriam pulled in a sharp breath and rubbed her eyes. The image went away. The wind burned her eyes as it whipped in off the prairie. Was this what happened when people lost their minds? Didn’t they see things that weren’t there?
With a small cry, Miriam rushed toward her buggy. Her hand trembled as she placed her book bag inside and entered the shelter. The cold had crept in unhindered, and Star’s nostrils sprouted blasts of steam.
Miriam stroked the horse’s beautiful face with both hands and asked, “Have I lost my mind?”
Star blinked and chewed slowly.
A wild laugh threatened to burst out of Miriam. She had gone mad. She was talking to her horse as if he understood. The Christmas respite had done her no gut. She wasn’t as refreshed as she had been after previous Christmas breaks, when she had come back filled with a yearning to begin the second half of the school term. Now her heart felt like ice.
Four more months of school remained before she would leave this place forever to wed Mose in Wayne County. A cry escaped her this time, and Miriam clung to Star’s halter. Somehow she had to gain control of herself. There was no reason for this exhaustion. She had done little but putter around Aunt Fannie’s place ever since Christmas Day. Aunt Fannie had seen to that.
“You need rest after what you’ve been through,” Aunt Fannie had instructed Miriam.
Miriam slipped on Star’s bridle as he whinnied loudly.
“We can drive fast,” Miriam said in comfort. “Home to your warm barn.”
Miriam hitched him to the buggy and climbed in. Star dashed out of the school driveway, and she hung on to the reins. Usually joy would ripple through her at this fast run home, but now there was only the wind in her face and the heavy feeling in her heart. She would have to speak with Aunt Fannie. She couldn’t face her students like this tomorrow morning, but hiring another substitute or delaying school again was unthinkable. She had already cost the school enough with her troubles. The schoolboard had been nothing but patient and understanding so far, but they had limits too.
Star made good time and didn’t slow down until Uncle William’s new barn came into view. The snow had blown from the roof and piled in small drifts along the east side. Little swirls lifted skyward with each gust. Star whinnied loudly again, and Miriam hung on to the reins as they took the turn into the lane with a clatter of buggy wheels. Uncle William’s face peered out of the barn door as Miriam pulled to a halt. Star’s breath blasted white into the sky. He tossed his head, and Miriam waited to catch her breath before she climbed down.
“Are you okay?” Uncle William asked as his head appeared beside the buggy door.
“That was some ride!” Miriam replied, trying to sound cheerful.
Uncle William wasn’t deceived. “Maybe you’d better let me unhitch, and you can get into the house.”
“I’ll be fine,” she said halfheartedly.
“Now, do as I say,” Uncle William commanded, sounding fatherly. “I don’t want you to overdo yourself.”
Miriam wouldn’t argue. He was probably right, so she climbed down and retrieved her b
ook bag, attempted a quick smile, and turned toward the house.
When she opened the door, Jonathon flew into Miriam’s arms as usual, giggling as Miriam hugged him. Then he ran off to resume his play.
Aunt Fannie peered out of the kitchen doorway. “How did your day go?”
“Okay, I guess.” Miriam sat on a kitchen bench with a sigh. Usually she came back from the schoolhouse refreshed in her spirit. Not today, and there was no use trying to fool Aunt Fannie.
“There’s a letter from Mose,” Aunt Fannie offered hopefully. “Maybe that will cheer you up.”
Miriam said nothing. Didn’t Aunt Fannie know by now that a letter from Mose would only make her worse? Yah, she knew. She had seen her niece mope around the house all Christmas week.
“I wish there was something I could do,” Aunt Fannie said, her hand resting gently on Miriam’s arm.
Miriam didn’t answer and looked away.
“Tell me, Miriam,” Aunt Fannie insisted, “what is it that’s happened since the bann was lifted that has you so down? I had hoped you’d be back to your normal happy self by now.”
Miriam finally whispered the words. “It was on Christmas Eve when Uncle William said that Tyler had stopped in at Deacon Phillips’s place. That set my heart spinning, even though I didn’t want it to.”
Aunt Fannie’s hand tightened on Miriam’s arm, her voice gentle. “Miriam, are you in love with Tyler?”
Miriam gasped. “How can you say such a thing?”
“Because you show all the signs.” Aunt Fannie pulled Miriam close. “Of course, you know such a thing cannot be. Such a match will not bring you happiness—only more misery.”
“Yah, I know,” Miriam said. “I will marry Mose, and that will be the end of it. It must be the end of it.”
“In this condition?” Aunt Fannie frowned. “You aren’t fit to be anyone’s bride right now.”
Miriam and the Stranger Page 24
