by Kira Graham
I burst into tears. Again.
How could I do this? The one thing that I had to do, and I couldn’t do it right. For once, I had the chance to do the right thing and not screw up, and I blew it because I couldn’t keep my freaking legs closed. Oh God, I wail silently, as sobs wrack me and I find myself pulled against Nate’s chest. Everyone is going to hate me. How will I tell them? Sin is going to be so devastated and confused. And what am I going to do for forty weeks? I’ve been reading about paternity tests and the dangers of certain procedures during pregnancy, so assuming that I won’t do one, I’ll have to wait until I give birth in order to know.
“Tee. Sweet cheeks. Please stop crying and look at me,” Nate murmurs, tightening his hold on me when I sob and gasp out a breath, so scared and mad at myself that it’s hard to think clearly. “The doc’s stepped out to give us a minute. Talk to me,” he whispers, his chest rumbling against my cheek when I sag against him and bury my face in his armpit, the clean, familiar scent helping me to calm down a little.
I’m panicked, and there is no way that that panic is going to just disappear completely, but with Nate’s steady presence and the knowledge that he’s here for me, that he’s my friend, I find myself breathing more slowly and finally pulling away to look at him. In the past few months, I’ve done so many things that I normally would never have done: I’ve become a twitchy coward, I’m living like a recluse, and now I’m crying like some loser who can’t control her emotions. And yet there is no one that I would rather have with me for all of it, I think, than Nate, suddenly loving him so much that it chokes me up.
“Tee?”
“I…oh, God. I did something bad,” I whisper, my shame and guilt swallowing whatever joy I should be feeling. “I did something bad, and everyone’s going to hate me when they find out. I hate me,” I whisper, closing my eyes against the confused look he gives me.
“No one is going to hate you, sweet cheeks. It’s impossible to hate you when you’re the most awesome person I know. You’re strong and vicious when you need to be, but you’re also a rock for everyone who needs you. And look what you’re doing for Sin and Paris. No one could possibly hate you,” he whispers, his lips pressing a kiss to my forehead when I feel renewed tears burning at my eyes.
“You don’t get it. I screwed up,” I gulp, finding it hard to think clearly as my chest grows tighter.
I don’t want to tell anyone. I’m not ready to say anything, but God! Dr. Payne is going to call Sin and Paris and tell them, because they have a right to know, and…
“You keep saying that, but I can’t see how,” Nate sighs, his head tilting. “Tell me.”
I haven’t really seen Nate recently, except when he’s picked up the odd shift on my detail. Lately, he’s been shadowing Alex, because she had a bit of a fall and is on bed rest, just to be safe. As her “bestie,” he protects her and keeps her company, so the truth is that he doesn’t really know what’s been going on with me and Ares. Grange is still around a lot, but I only see Heath a little here and there when Cleo drops by. So no one but Grange knows, and since he’s not even a little interested in spreading my business around—because I threatened to castrate him if he did—no one actually knows.
Maybe I could just…wait it out.
No! The best way to deal with things is to face them, I tell myself, hearing Uncle Jack’s advice blaring in my head. This is why I was never afraid of things. Uncle Jack told me to always just face things head on, and that I would come out better in the end without fear pulling me down.
I’m scared now, but…
“I slept with Ares,” I confess, before cowardice stops me.
Nate jerks as if I’ve slapped him, and then his eyes go so wide that I bite my lip and whine low in my throat, feeling guilt and disgust scrunching up my face.
“Fuck. Tell me he suited up, Tee. Please tell me he wrapped up his cock.”
“Every time,” I whisper, watching him deflate with relief—until I say my next words. “Except that first time.”
“Shit!”
“‘Shit’ is an understatement,” I confess, dropping my head onto his chest with a moan. “It was an accident, and the hormones were…and I know it was wrong, but I was just so…because he was my first, ya know? I know that everyone thinks that I’m some sort of loose whore, and I let them think it, too, but I wasn’t, and I guess that it’s true what they say—a woman never forgets her first. And then it felt so good, and he was being so nice, for once. So I slept with him, and then every time he’d drop by, I’d tell myself that I wasn’t going to, but then…then I did!” I stutter out, my cries trapped in my chest as I fight not to pass out.
I want to. God knows that I want to just pass out right this minute and not have to think about things. If I get lucky, maybe I can fall into some sort of traumatic coma and wake up only after the baby comes, and then I won’t have to explain—
You are not Alexandria! You don’t run from things, and you do not lie to yourself—unless it’s about your weight, and then it’s okay, ’cause it’s an unspoken girl rule that weight is subjective.
“Tee. This is bad,” he says softly, his hands cupping my cheeks and forcing my head up so that I have to meet his eyes. “Sin and Paris are going to think that this is their baby.”
“But it could be! I don’t know. I was nauseous before I slept with Ares, so I could have been pregnant then. And my boobs were hurting,” I say hopefully, until he squashes that hope like a bug under his shoe.
“Hormones. You know that those shots had your hormones all over the show.”
“But…”
“But nothing. The timing sucks, sweet cheeks. It was an awful time for you to finally decide to get your freak on,” he tells me seriously, though so gently that I have to sniff.
“I know. It was just that…everything has been so shitty, and I can’t lose myself in the partying anymore. I didn’t mean to do this, Nate. I really didn’t, and now—now she’s going to tell them that I’m pregnant, and I’m going to have to tell them that I don’t know who this baby belongs to.”
“I believe I can help you with that,” I hear from the doorway, causing my head to whip around as the doctor moves back in, firmly shutting the door behind her.
She must have changed her hair recently without my noticing, because it’s a dark brown with highlights, and a little shorter than the length of her usual hip hairdo. Why I take note of that, I don’t know. Maybe I need to distract myself.
“Doc—”
“It’s still early days in this pregnancy, and if I remember Sin’s instructions to you correctly, she wanted us to wait until the first trimester is over before we tell her. That being said, it’s my responsibility to inform them of anything important,” she tells me slowly, her eyes going down to where I’m clutching my stomach.
“I…” I have no words, because the wrongness of lying about this is just too much for me to consider right now.
“You have two months here for us to figure this out. Maybe it’s a simple answer that can be answered with timing. When did you have intercourse with your boyfriend?”
“He isn’t my…never mind. Uh, three weeks ago?” I tell her, biting my lip as I try to remember the date. “We had breakfast with Grange and Nate—”
Nate cuts in, supplying the exact date, and I see her frown and then sigh, shaking her head and killing all hope inside me. I should be startlingly happy right now—if not for Sin, then for myself, although I honestly never thought that I would see myself wanting kids. I still don’t think that I do want kids, but that being said…
“The time is too close together.”
“But I was nauseous that morning! I was. I remember rolling over in bed and feeling like I would puke my guts out before it just disappeared. Surely that means something.”
“It could mean a lot of things. Many of which won’t answer this question definitively,” she says kindly, taking my hand and giving it a squeeze. “I’m sorry, Tee. We’re going to hav
e to think of another solution.”
And then she starts telling me about DNA testing and just what it entails. I balk at it almost immediately because I know the inherent dangers, but she smiles and assures me that the testing is safe when performed at certain times.
“I’m going to schedule it for two months from today. If you change your mind, call me. Until then, I’m going to stick to Sin’s wishes and not say a word. But afterwards…”
I nod, knowing what she’s leaving unsaid, and allow Nate to help me off the exam table and out of her offices. If this isn’t Sin’s and Paris’s baby…
“It’s going to be okay, sweet cheeks. It’ll be okay.”
I wish I could believe that. God help me, a part of me wishes that it were true, even if another part of me feels a little saddened by the thought of wishing my own baby away as someone else’s.
Ares
I’m vibrating with contained energy as I step into the ring with Heath, my hands wrapped up tightly and shoved into boxing gloves. I never thought that I would do anything like this. Hell, my only workouts involve cardio, running, and weights, because while my brothers tell me all the time that fighting plus some form of martial arts is the best workout, I have never been able to bring myself to do it.
Now, I’m excited as I listen to Grange bark out the rules, and I watch intently as he demonstrates a mock punch, followed by a bob and weave, and then steps out of the ring.
“You ready?” Heath asks after slapping his gloves into mine.
“I’ve never fought before,” I admit, grinning when he snorts and shakes his head.
“It’s all good. I think you’ll enjoy it more than you think you will. Boxing is all about stamina and skill. It takes more than brute strength to win, and even if you’re good, you’ll find that it’s also a mental game. Keep your eyes open and your body loose, and don’t go for shots that you can’t land. Don’t put everything you have into one hit, either. Weight can hurt your opponent, but a missed strike with all your weight behind it could hurt you more. Pay attention,” he tells me, jumping back to bounce on his toes and weave, the way I’ve seen Zeus and Adonis do a lot when they’ve been play-fighting.
His practice jabs are so swift and hard that the air around him whines with every strike, but I get it. I see the way he balances himself—how he puts muscle into his hits but keeps his balance at all times. I’ve always been a “stand back and observe” kind of guy, so I’m quick on the uptake. I see his technique and take in his movements, and then start to mirror them, slowly at first, because the movements aren’t familiar.
It feels strange, using my body as a weapon instead of just honing my muscles, but it also feels right when I think about sleeping beside Tee at night, listening to her whimper in her sleep until I pull her over me and settle her down.
I can spout peace all fucking day and mean it, but I’ve discovered that when it comes to her, peace won’t mean shit. I aim to acquire the skills I’ll need in order to protect the people I care about, and even if that means turning my back on everything I once believed in, I’ll do it gladly.
I just hope that I’ll survive the guilt I’ll feel if I ever need to use these skills.
“Pay attention. Don’t get sucked into whatever pussy feelings you have about hurting people, Ares. Fighting isn’t always about killing, but it is about survival. Peter Gernert was no fighter. That’s the only reason that you were able to use your muscle to overpower him,” Grange calls from the sidelines, his words a bark of fury that snaps me back into the here and now.
“Don’t be an asshole!” I yell back, trying to mimic Heath, while Grange grunts from his position.
“Just being real, brother. You used surprise and his own weakness against him. What if you can’t do that next time? Most guys aren’t as easy to take down as Peter was, and from the way the scene was laid out, it sounds like you got fucking lucky,” he tells me, bringing my movements to a stop as rage bursts through me.
Storming over to him, I find that I don’t care that Grange is ex-military, or that he served in ops so deadly and top secret that he could probably kill me in a heartbeat. My anger—born of guilt, regret, and this budding fury that I still carry with me—explodes, until I’m nose to nose with him and ready to attack.
“Lucky? There was nothing lucky about that night! You want to judge me for not being violent, Grange? Go ahead. I’m not a fighter, and I was proud to say that for a long time. Hell, I’m not ashamed to say that now!” I growl, aggression pumping from me until the asshole smiles and slaps me on the shoulder.
“You shouldn’t be. I learned a lot while I was out there in the big, bad, ugly world, Ares, and one of the most valuable lessons I got was that force isn’t always the answer. You have to be prepared for all of it, though. I see the way that you and Tee are together, man. You and her may not…want whatever you’ve got, but that’s a woman who needs a fighter. She’s fought all her life, and well, for those she loves, but right now, she isn’t worth a damn in a fight, and it’s time for someone else to step up. If you wanna be that man, then you take your licks, and you keep getting up so that you can learn to be her fighter. If not, then step aside and let someone else do it. I want to say that no one will ever get to her—or you, or any of you—but I’m not stupid. Security can’t always protect you. Sometimes shit happens,” he says softly, my grunt bringing out a grin in him.
“Ya think? It took Rosetta, Sin, and Chilli to kill Hilan,” I mutter, the memory of hearing what happened that night still enough to make my body clench in fear.
“Chilli knows how to fight. The guy’s a sneaky bastard, fights dirty, and goes for broke, but he can throw a punch and adapt. Adonis is pure muscle, all bulldog strength and weight. Paris is agile, and Zeus—well, that boy is one of us, trained by the best. You—you need something more, something that’ll show our little scaredy-cat that she doesn’t have to be too strong.”
The words hit me like a hammer to the chest, and this time, instead of fighting it, I embrace the feeling that fills me. Possessiveness and the need to protect Tee. We’re not a couple, we don’t love each other—at least, not in the conventional sense—and we’re exactly wrong for anything that you could consider a relationship. But she’s still mine in a certain way, and even if we aren’t this magically happy and lovey-dovey couple, we’re…friends. My best friend is a sadistic maniac who takes pleasure in being a badass.
“She’d kick your balls right into your throat if she heard you,” I warn him, chuckling when he barks out a laugh with his head thrown back.
“First woman I’ve ever been afraid of,” Grange admits, chortling as Heath comes up beside me, rests his arms on the ropes, and grins broadly.
“She’s the perfect storm, that woman. Beautiful, fierce, loyal. She’d take on a dragon for the people she loves,” he murmurs, straightening up and hitting me on the shoulder softly. “But she’s a little broken right now. Think we can protect her long enough for her to fix herself?”
“No,” I tell him, pushing myself away in order to dance into the middle of the ring. “We’re going to do it for much longer than that.”
And with that, I shake off the angst that my pussy ass has been feeling, embrace the rage that I’ve been nursing, and put everything I have into becoming what I need to be.
I’m with Tee, we’re never going to not be in each other’s lives, and I will be what she needs me to be. Even if it rips me apart.
Chapter Nine
Tee
I’m pretending to sleep when I hear the front door open, and then listen to the locks engage, knowing once I hear the sound of the deadbolt sliding home that Ares is here. He’s the only one who uses the deadbolt, because after he comes in, no one else had better dare.
I’m tense and trying to force my body to relax as I listen to him walking through the apartment. I hear him murmur something, probably to Heath, who has taken over my couch, and then his footsteps come softly down the passageway and into the bedroom.
Tonight, I need more than the sex he’s here for, but until I’ve figured out what I feel and how I should deal with the huge mistake I’m living with, I just can’t…I don’t know what to do, but what I do know is that my pathetic ass has been waiting for hours for Ares to walk in here. I need distraction. Release. Something other than the constant buzz of thoughts that fills my mind and won’t let me rest.
I’ve screwed up massively, so hugely that I don’t think that there’s a thing that I can do to fix it, so I should probably just shrug this shit off and stop worrying. Fearing the inevitable is stupid, and it’s weak. Irrelevant. Fear implies that there’s something that you can do to fix it, while acceptance tells you that it’s a done deal. And it’s a done deal not only that I’m screwed, but also that part of that screwage is going to involve Ares Hart, because there’s a possibility that this baby is his.
Shit.
What if it is? What will he say? I’ve been asking myself these questions over and over, and as he gets undressed and slides into my bed, his hand skates over my hip to come to rest on my stomach so that he can pull me back. I can’t contain my groan when my back hits his chest, or the needy whimper that bubbles up when he presses his cock against my ass, the thin, silky panties I’m wearing doing nothing to dull the heat of his erection against my skin.
When his face nuzzles into my neck, and his hand glides upward beneath my cami to cover my breast, I gasp, desire and urgent need pooling in my middle and throbbing in my sex.
“Mmmm. You smell good,” he murmurs, his tongue coming out to lick over my neck before he sucks on the skin just below my ear.
