by Dee Garcia
“Answer me.” He gritted out through his teeth.
“Knox...I…” I started, wringing my fingers together nervously. I should’ve known he wasn’t just going to accept my decision and walk away like nothing ever happened, like we didn’t have this inexplicable connection that even I couldn’t deny.
“For the love of God, woman”—he raked his hands into his hair—“will you answer me?!”
I cringed at the tone of his voice. He was so angry, rightfully so, but nonetheless it was like a slap in the face that smarted my cheek and spread through my entire being.
“Everyone around me dies.” I blurted out, sinking down onto my knees. Tears welled in my eyes and I cowered into the safety of my hands, refusing to let him to see me cry more than he already had.
I heard, rather than saw him padding over and dropping down in front of me. “Everyone what?” His voice was softer this time.
“Everyone around me dies, Knox, everyone.” Still the words were muffled, barely audible behind my hands. He pulled them away from my face and brought two fingers under my chin, tilting my head up to meet his awaiting stare.
“Anyone and everyone I care about, they die. They all the fucking die, Knox!” I choked out, trying my damnedest to hold it together as thick, heavy droplets began to pour down my cheeks. “My family, my best friend! I’m sure Zeke would have been next had we stayed together. And now”—I scoffed—“now, I lost Bernie.”
“None of that is your fault though, baby. Death is part of…”
“Don't,” I said, holding up a hand. “Just don't. I know it's not my fault… Yet somehow it is. People assume I’m this closed-off, anti-social person by choice. It's not by choice. It’s with reason! I do it to protect you...all of you!”
The expression that flashed across Knox’s face was one I would never forget. It would be ingrained in my memory for all my time on this earth. He was hurting because of me, me and the perpetual hell that was my life, which is why I lived the way I did.
Alone.
A life of solidarity was not one easily lived though, and if I were truly being honest, I wasn't living at all. I just was. Idle. Forever on autopilot. But you see, then I met Knox, and somehow he managed to break through the deep-rooted barriers I’d so firmly set in place and he set my soul aflame.
I knew better than to let him in, but I couldn’t seem to let him go and as a result, my selfishness marked him. Just knowing me put him at risk and I knew it would only be a matter of time before he was ripped away from me too.
What else was I to expect when those so closely around me always died?
“I knew it was too good to be true, that I’d actually made it through these last few years with Bernie, Jason, and Emmanuel by my side. If this is the start of another cycle, Knox, then who's next? Jason, Reyna, you?” I sobbed, dropping my face into my hands.
I didn't even want to think about that. I couldn't. Imagining Knox a cold, lifeless body in a casket churned my stomach in such a way I thought I would spew my guts out, and then my heart along with it.
It was crippling.
“What do you mean another cycle?” He questioned.
Minutes had passed before I dropped my hands and peeked up at him through watery eyes. “It all started with Tori…” I said, my voice trembling in fear.
“It all started with Tori.” She said after several minutes. “We were best friends before birth, grew up down the street from one other, went to all the same schools, did extracurriculars together. Basically, she was the sister I never had. Anyway, during Spring Break of our junior year, word spread quickly about some massive party hosted by one of the seniors and Tori was adamant on going. Between the two of us, she was the party girl. Me, I didn't much care for them, which of course led her to beg me the entire week until finally I caved and agreed to tag along. The day before the party, my dad surprised my mom with an impromptu trip to the Smokey’s for their anniversary. They didn't question their decision to leave me alone for the weekend because for one, they trusted me not to do anything stupid, and two, Tori’s parents were down the street in the event of an emergency. What they didn’t know was that I’d been seeing this new guy. I hadn’t gotten around to telling them mostly because I knew they wouldn’t approve. He was a few years older, obviously out of high school, and questions would arise as to how we met. I didn’t think anything serious would come of us anyway, so I figured I’d keep it under wraps. What they didn't know wouldn't hurt them, right? Well, I hadn’t seen much of him during the two weeks before Spring Break due to cramming for midterms, so when the opportunity to spend some uninterrupted time together was handed to me on a silver platter, I snatched it up without a second thought and told him to come over whenever he got out of work, regardless of my previous plans with Tori. He arrived shortly after 7 and the endless phone calls began sometime around 8, none of which I answered of course. Once Tori gave up, it turned out to be a nice, quiet evening in. I should have felt badly for cutting our plans loose without warning but I knew that once I filled her in on the details of my evening, she’d forget all about my ditching her and skipping out the party.”
Hazel stopped suddenly, wringing her fingers in her lap. I could see the moisture building in her eyes anew and if it were even possible, she seemed to be all the more nervous than when she’d begun divulging the story.
“So what did she say when you finally told her?” I asked, urging her to continue.
“I never got to tell her.” Her voice cracked.
“Why not?”
“Because she died, Knox. She died at that fucking party! Apparently there were various drugs being passed around and she took some. Tie that in with all the alcohol at her disposal and it was a lethal concoction buzzing her through system. The last anyone saw of her was when she disappeared upstairs with one of the upperclassmen. All the rooms must have been locked or occupied because they ended up in the attic where things got hot and heavy. Her body went into shock from overheating. By the time the medics arrived, she’d been dead for quite a while.”
Jesus Christ.
My mouth popped open in shock and Hazel nodded, tears spilling over her reddened cheeks. “It was my fault.” She whispered.
“How was that your fault? You didn’t hand Tori the drugs. She took them willingly.” I said, more harshly than I intended. The fact that she was throwing the blame on herself over something that was so clearly out of her control flared my anger in an instant.
“Because I ditched her and for a guy nonetheless! If I would’ve just gone with her to the stupid party as originally planned, I never would have let her touch the damn drugs. Never! She could have been here today. Alive, thriving! My selfishness lead her to death. Her blood will forever be on my hands!” She sobbed, folding over to her knees.
I scooted toward her and scooped her up in my arms. “Tori’s death is not your fault, Hazel. I'll say it a million times if I have to. Is this what has you so intent on keeping me away?”
She nodded against my chest.
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard.” I tried to be gentle, really I did, but I was enraged, baffled even. What did Tori’s death have to do with her and I?
Hazel picked her head up, her lip quivering. “It’s not just Tori, Knox.”
I held her tormented stare. “Then what else is it?”
“My parents.”
“What about them?”
“They died.”
“Well, I know that. We discussed them already.”
She buried her face into my chest again. “Their death is my fault too.”
My blood was boiling. I wanted to scream, to shake her aggressively until she quit blaming herself for a natural part of life. Losing a loved one was excruciatingly painful, I understood that. I could not, however, wrap my head around what she believed to be the truth.
“It was not.” I muttered.
“It was.” She placed a finger over my lips before I could interject. “A year ha
d passed since Tori’s death. I was majorly depressed, skipping school, my grades had gone to shit. My parents were trying to be understanding but they reached their limit when the guidance counselor called saying I might not be able to graduate. They were livid and for the first time ever, they grounded me. I was literally on lockdown. Still they had faith in me. They trusted me to follow the rules as I had always done before, and when their anniversary rolled around again, they went out for the night. So I snuck out. I called some friends to pick me up and left without a care in the world. Tori’s mom saw the car pull up in front of my house and me jump inside. Naturally she called my parents which cut their night short. They were on their way home, more than likely to sit in the living room and await my return, when they were hit head-on by a drunk driver. My mom died on impact and my dad was ejected from the car. He died in the ambulance on the way to hospital.”
Her body rattled in my arms and I knew the floodgates were about to burst once more.
“It's still not your fault, baby.”
“What do you mean?!” She shrieked, pushing away from me. “They were killed because of me! If I hadn't snuck out, they could have continued on with their night! Like Tori, they could have still been here today!”
I reached out and cupped her face in my hands. “You were not the drunk driver, Hazel. Yes, they were coming home based on a decision you made but you did not cause the accident. Just like you didn't force Tori to take those drugs or drink an obscene amount of alcohol. Their deaths are not your fault!”
Her eyes fell shut, tears steadily streaming down her face against my hands. “You don't get it…”
“Yes I do. Their deaths wrecked you as they would have done to me or anyone else who experienced such a great deal of loss. You can't hold yourself responsible though.”
“How can I not? And now Bernie’s dead too and it's my…”
“Don't you dare.” I snapped. “Don't you dare blame cardiac arrest on yourself. That is not logical or rational in the slightest. None of it is.”
Hazel continued to ramble on about how anyone could see that each death reverted to her in one way or another. My hands fell away from her face and I shot up to my feet, my vision clouded by a vivid red haze. I was at my wits end.
“Hazel…” I warned, on the brink of a nuclear explosion.
She kept on in a repetitive loop, the words spewing from her mouth with such deeply rooted self-loathing, I thought I was going to be sick.
Dropping down onto the bed, I willed myself to calm the fuck down before trying again, inhaling deep breaths through my nose and exhaling through my mouth.
“Hazel.” I finally said, in the calmest tone I could manage.
The word vomit continued.
I clenched my hands into fists. “Stop.”
She was blubbering unintelligibly now.
“Stop, just stop!” I roared, unable to hold it in any longer.
She froze with her mouth ajar, desolate brown eyes coming up to meet mine. We stared at each other in newfound silence for several minutes before I dared to open my mouth.
“It's obvious this is something we’re not ever going to agree on and now that I know this is the reason why you wanted to call it quits, I won't allow it. I'm not going to let you rip us apart.”
“D-don’t you see it’s better this way?” She stammered.
“Nothing about being apart is better. Not a damn thing.”
“Y-you getting to live your life is better.”
Ignoring her attempt to convince me otherwise, I proffered my hand to her instead. “Come here.”
She hesitated for only a moment and then scooted toward me, placing her hand in mine. I pulled her onto the bed and laid her down beside me, wiping the wetness from her cheeks and smoothing the hair off her face.
“I know with everything that I am, with every fiber of my being, that you were meant for me.” I said softly, staring into her eyes so she could both see and hear the conviction of my admission. “And I know deep down inside of you, where fear doesn’t exist, you know you were meant for me too.”
Her hands clenched the front of my tee, gently pulling me closer. “I’ve lost too much, Knox. I can’t lose you too.”
“You’re not going to lose me.”
“How can you say that? How can you be so sure? You don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, next month, or even a year from now.”
“You’re right, I don’t. You just need to have faith, Hazel. Our paths crossed for a reason.”
“I can’t let you risk your life just to be with me.” She whispered.
“I can and I am. I'd risk anything for you.” I said with finality, placing a kiss to very corner of her mouth.
Hazel turned her head, brushing our lips together. Her fingers threaded into my hair and I kissed her with everything I had, pulling her against me until nothing could wedge between us. As the minutes ticked by, her touch grew more desperate, her kisses feverish, teeth nipping and tugging my lips.
“Knox… Touch me.”
I groaned, feeling every ounce of self-control I had slowly begin to shred away. I buried my face in the crook of her neck, my fingers digging into her hip. “I can’t. Not like this.”
“Please.” She begged, clinging to me as if I were her lifeline. “It hurts. It hurts so fucking much. Make it all go away just for a little while.”
The last thing I wanted to do was deny her, but there was no way in hell I was going to let this be what fueled us toward the inevitable.
“I want you, baby, but not like this. You want me to kiss you senseless, rub your back, play with your hair? Fine. But I refuse to let our first time be tainted by the demons of your past.”
I could see how badly she wanted to protest as she wiggled restlessly in my embrace, her eyes pleading with me. Holding on tightly to my resolve, I shook my head, hoping that when the time finally came, she'd appreciate me drawing the line beforehand.
I had feared returning to Austin would have negatively affected Hazel given the circumstances that lead to her departure in the first place, but as the days passed, she seemed to be coping decent enough.
Between spending most of our time in the gym and working—well, more like pulling teeth with Jason to schedule interviews for a new coach, Hazel didn't have time to dwell on much of anything.
Yes, there were sporadic episodes of immense grief that wrecked me to witness, but I did my absolute best to guide her through them and refocus her attention on the present, rather than the things we unfortunately couldn’t change.
With the finals approaching, not only had the League shrunk in size, Hazel’s fights had also been moved from Saturday’s to Friday’s. That did nothing to lessen the crowd. The arena was as boisterous as ever, jam packed with loyal fans awaiting to see the Lioness strike again.
Emmanuel and I sat in the front row adjacent to her corner, while Jason temporarily filled in Bernie’s shoes and waited beside the cage. I wanted to argue that it should have been me standing up there, but as much I hated to admit it, Fremont knew what he was doing.
Kate Jensen was Hazel’s opponent for the evening and as the inferior opponent, she was called into the cage first. She seemed slightly nervous yet still remarkably sure of herself, flipping off the masses who booed her with an arrogant expression etched on her face.
After knocking out Panterra early on in the season, it was obvious her head had blown up like a damn balloon and was apparently under the impression she could do the same to Hazel. Poor girl, I thought to myself, watching her bounce around on the balls of her feet as the announcer introduced my girl, stirring the crowd to life at the mere mention of her name.
As predicted and much to Jensen’s disappointment, however, the fight was over in less than fifteen minutes. Halfway through round three, she propelled herself toward Hazel with impressive speed only to find herself pinned beneath the Lioness until she slipped away into unconsciousness.
Hazel was bursting with excitement when sh
e came bounding out of the locker rooms and into my arms.
“You killed it, baby. Congratulations.” I said, squeezing her against me.
She pecked my lips and smiled brighter than I’d seen in weeks. “Why, thank you, Mr. Carr. I’m thinking we should go out and celebrate.”
The words took me aback, rooting me in place. Hazel hadn’t wanted to go anywhere or do anything since returning to Austin. That she was initiating a night out rather than holing ourselves up in the suite was a pleasant surprise and there was no way in hell I could refuse her.
“We can go wherever your heart desires, Miss Perry.” I beamed, earning me another squeaky kiss.
An hour later, we were dressed for a night on the town and on our way out of the hotel when a familiar, blood-boiling voice stopped us dead in our tracks.
“Where are you two off to?”
I peered over my shoulder to find Jason sitting in one of the plush arm chairs with a newspaper shielding his face. He set it down on his lap and removed the sunglasses perched on his nose, folding the legs inward and tucking them into the inner pocket of his blazer.
What a dipshit.
“Nice get up you got going on there. Real low key, bud.” I said, my tone dripping with sarcasm.
He chuckled. “Perhaps I wasn't going for low key. So, where are you off to?”
Releasing Hazel’s hand, I pivoted to face him, lifting my chin. “I don’t see how that’s any of your business.”
“Considering this includes Miss Perry, it is every bit my business.” He laid the newspaper down on the table beside him. “So I’ll ask you again. Where are you off to?”
“Um, hello? You act like I’m not standing right here.” Hazel said, coming around me. “What part of it’s none of your business did you not understand the first time?”
Jason shot her an unamused look and promptly returned his attention to me, regarding me intently.
I crossed my arms and sighed deeply. “I’m taking Hazel out as she requested.”
“Ever the gentleman, are you? Your little act might have her convinced,” he sneered, standing to his feet and closing in the distance between us. “But I can see right through you. Just be aware, Mr. Carr, I’m watching your every single move.”
