“Like someone who's in control, who's their own boss, who has a job that they can't wait to wake up for, and that keeps them up at night because they can't stop thinking about it.” I don't know if a job like that even exists or I'm just spinning some serious grade A bullshit, but it sounds pretty and it satisfies my sister. For now.
“Hey there,” India says as she comes back in with two copper haired girls on either hip. Jesus Christ, we're like a family of clones. It's incredible. Guess those old Southern genes run strong and hard. “Lookie who I've got. Never, this is Darla.” India turns so that I can see the little girl's face. She's so cute I can't stand it. I step forward, but she buries her head in my sister's shoulder. I smile sadly, but know that I'll figure out some way to weasel into her affections, even if I have to buy her off. “Darla, that's your big sister, Never. Remember the pictures we looked at together?” Darla nods her head and sticks her thumb in her mouth. India shrugs and turns, so I can see the other girl. “And this is Beth's daughter, Maple. She's two and Darla is three.” India juggles them expertly, making me certain that biologically those girls might be sister and niece to her, but as far as time spent and values learned, India is their pseudo-mother. Goddamn you, I curse Mom and Beth and wonder where the hell they are. Knowing my mom, she's probably dancing naked under the moon at some hippie-dippie fair, and Beth, well, she's probably slaving away at some useless, piece of crap, nowhere, dead end job. “They'll warm up eventually,” India says as she turns and gestures at Ty and me with her chin. “I've gotta get them something to eat before all hell breaks loose.”
She disappears into the kitchen with Lettie and Lorri at her heels and gives me a perfect, quiet moment with McCabe. I'm kind of glad because I've just gone into overload mode and feel like a robot about to short circuit. There is so much going on in my head right now that I need time to process things, organize them, figure out how to feel before Beth and my mom get here. They're going to be my two biggest obstacles in this marathon of pain, heartache, and healing, and I could use a water break before I get to them.
“How are you feeling?” Ty asks as he slides our suitcases to the side with his foot and steps closer to me. I have to really think about that before I answer him. Tears start to flow and I dash them away angrily. I hate crying. Hate, hate, hate it, and yet I can't seem to stop. I'm like a broken fucking faucet.
“Overwhelmed?” I say, but I'm not sure. Ty nods and tucks my head under his chin. If nothing else, he understands. We're one in the same, Ty McCabe and I, and he'll always, always get me. Even if nobody else does.
8
The kitchen looks much the same now as it did when I left. There are dishes piled sky high in the sink, but not from lack of trying on either Beth's or India's parts (they were the only ones that ever did any chores around the house). It's just because there are so many people under one roof. One meal is all it takes. Sippy cups and plastic plates sit stacked neatly in the drying rack and rusted pots and pans hang from the ceiling interspersed with dried clumps of herbs that nobody uses but that make everything look homey and perfectly country. The refrigerator is littered with magnets and school photos, some that even date back to my days as a ballerina. Ty catches sight of one when he walks in and pauses, smiling as he examines the long lines of my arms and legs, the way the light caught on my copper bun that day. He fingers the edge of the photo and throws a glance my way that I pretend not to catch. I don't want to even think about the past right now. I can barely handle the present.
I watch as India sets Darla and Maple in matching purple booster chairs and wipes her hands on her jeans. She can't stop smiling at me, grinning from ear to ear like she's just won the lottery. I don't think I'm that cool, but I'm glad I can make her smile. After all the time we've lost, at least I can do that. Lettie and Lorri scramble up into the window seat together and lean forward like twins, elbows on their knees, eyes bright. I feel like some kind of miracle or something. It's kind of cute, but also a little bit scary. I can't mean so much to these girls or I might let them down, and I'll die before that happens.
“Beth is the assistant manager at the Clothing Case,” India says proudly, naming the used clothing boutique that's existed downtown for as long as I can remember. They specialize in designer clothing that's already been worn and traded in for cash then resell it at a ridiculously overblown price. The girls at school were always obsessed with going there because that meant they could get the latest designer bullshit at half the price. Me, I stuck to Target. A tank top is a tank top, and a pair of holey jean shorts, well fuck me, I can cut up a pair of Salvation Army jeans and make a pair that cups my ass like a second skin.
“That's great, India,” I say putting this ridiculous amount of pep in my voice. Ty's dark eyes slide over to me and he smirks. I ignore him, convinced that one day I'm going to end up meeting someone from his hazy, mysterious past and he's going to show me a side of himself that I've never seen. It'll be my turn then. “And … ” I swallow. “Mom?” India sighs, and in her face, I see the same tired irritation that I always felt.
“She's on a date,” she tells me as she pulls out a box of Cheerios and sets it on the counter. I scoot out one of the chairs on my side of the table and gesture for Ty to sit. He moves over and folds himself into it, a dark, sensual modern sexy against all of the light country décor. Somehow, it makes him seem even more beautiful. “And I'm supposed to watch the girls and set the table even though I have a ton of crap to do.” India grabs a banana and cuts it into little circles before setting it on the table between Darla and Maple. Neither one touches it. They're both just staring at me with pretty hazel eyes that are so wide they look like marbles. India pauses, sighs, and turns around, holding her head to the side so that her hair hangs likes a copper sheet over her shoulder. “God, Never, I'm so glad you're here. I really … ” She swallows and gets teary. “I really missed you.”
“I missed you so much it nearly killed me,” I admit, but I don't elaborate. She doesn't ask me to. Lettie and Lorri remain quiet, just watching, absorbing. I'm sure that once they get past their initial shock, they'll be all over me. I may not even be able to get rid of them. Not that I'd want to. Not in a million years. Whatever happens here now, tonight, tomorrow, next week, next year, I will not cut down the whole family tree because of a few bad apples. I make this vow in my head and smear it with the blood of my soul because I will not break it, no matter what Mom and Beth do, no matter what Zella says over the phone. Those are the three members of my family that I'm afraid might be the poisoned apple to my Snow White. I've got to be careful, oh so fucking careful.
“Beth should be home any minute. God, she's going to freak the fuck out when she sees you, Never. When you called, you should've seen her face. She was white as a sheet. I thought she might've seen a ghost.” India heads to the fridge and pulls out some juice which she pours carefully into cups for Maple and Darla. I look around, wanting to help her but not feeling at home enough to touch anything. I might've grown up here, but I feel like a fucking stranger off the street. I glance over at Ty and am surprised that he looks relaxed and comfortable, not at all like this is weird for him. And it should be. It really should be. After all, this isn't his family, it's mine, and I'm … what to him? A friend? A sponsor? A girl he made love to? A girlfriend? No, can't be. Guys like Ty McCabe don't have girlfriends. They have fuck buddies and one night stands and … I stop myself and try to take a deep breath. Ty has changed; I have changed, and things are not always what they seem. He told me he loved me. How many girls he's said that to, I don't know, but I don't think it's many.
“Can I help with anything?” I ask finally as India pulls some rolls out of a plastic bag, throws them on a plate and sticks them in the microwave.
“Nah,” she says, still smiling, still doing other people's chores with a smile on her face. “You're a guest. Sit down. It's alright, I got it.” She pauses and glances over her shoulder at me. “Mom's supposed to be home soon with some of those roti
sserie chickens from the store, you know, the precooked ones?” I really have no idea what she's talking about, so I shrug and sit down in the chair next to Ty. As soon as he gets the chance, he takes my hand and rubs his thumb over my knuckles, light, soothing, swoon worthy. I look down at it and then back up at him. I'm not used to this kind of stuff. I don't know how to have a boyfriend, a companion, even a friend. But I notice I don't pull away. I can't. I don't want to. I just want a fucking cigarette.
“So Mom's dating?” I ask, trying to fish for information, but before India can answer, Jade walks in with the skankiest fucking dress I have seen on a girl, myself included. It's zebra print and oh so short with fishnet tights and a pair of leather high heeled boots. My eyes immediately snap over to Ty which is so dumb because really, would he check out my sister? He looks, but he doesn't think she looks very good. I can see in his eyes that he actually feels sorry for her. Did he feel sorry for me that first night he saw me in my skintight, red dress? But no … His eyes swept me like I was a midnight snack, and he did hit on me, until I refused to go dancing with him. I wonder briefly what might've happened if I had. Would things have worked out as well? Would they be the same? I shake my head of what-ifs, and pull myself back to the present.
“Um, I'm glad you're here,” she says as she slowly lets her eyes shift over to Ty's face, his body, his … I clear my throat and she looks back up at me.
“You're not going out, are you?” Lettie asks, voice desperate. I can tell from her panicked face that this is something that's happened before. Jade shrugs and puts her hands on her lower back as she tries not to look awkward in her too tall boots. “But Never's home!” Lettie shouts, getting real angry, real fast. “You can't go now!”
“Go where?” I ask, suddenly feeling protective of the little sister I left behind. The one that hates me, my mind whispers. I ignore it.
“Just to a club,” Jade says softly, voice barely a whisper. Maple starts to cry, and India's forced to pick her up and bounce her around on her hip. “I like to dance.”
“Last I left, the only club in town was the Naughty Bunny, Jade. That's a fucking strip club.” Jade's nostrils flare with anger and her eyes flash. I watch as her hands curl into fists and all of that repressed anger and hatred, it all comes pouring out of her and straight at me. I always knew, still know, that it's not all my fault, but Jade has relegated me to her emotional punching bag. Being gone didn't change that. She still hates me.
“Like you fucking care, Never. You ran out on us, so don't try and act like a big sister now, babe. That time has come and gone.” Jade starts to turn away, but Ty grabs her wrist with his ringed hand. His bracelets tinkle merrily and everyone stops talking. Even Maple stops crying. Jade freezes and a pale, pink blush colors her cheeks. I can tell by the way her lip trembles and her eyes water that she's not used to being touched by guys. Maybe she hangs out at the strip club, maybe even dances, but she doesn't let men touch her or she hasn't yet. Jade might look like a whore, but I can tell with every instinct I have that she's a virgin.
“Listen,” Ty says in this no-nonsense sort of a voice. It's compelling enough that even I kind of listen to it. Or maybe Ty just has a way with women. Doesn't matter anyway. I can tell he senses that Jade is on the same path that we've both traveled and barely survived. He's trying to help my sister, not for me or even for his conscious, he's trying to help my sister because deep down, underneath the tattoos and the cigarettes and the sleeping around, Ty is a good person. I suddenly feel jittery and my hands start to shake. “I know you don't know me, and you probably want to tell me to get my fucking hand off of you,” Ty begins, and all I can think is, Yeah, freaking right. Jade is practically eye fucking you. It's annoying, but God, she's my little sister and I don't care if she memorizes the curve of your ass, I just don't want her to end up broken like me. “But there are stupid decisions and then there are fucking off the chart ridiculous ones. Jade, right?” Ty asks, and my sister nods, unable to find her tongue in the face of Ty's electrifying aura. “Don't make a decision today that you'll regret tomorrow.” Ty drops her hand and it falls to her side like a dead weight. He turns back towards the table and smiles at Darla who won't eat any banana and reaches out, takes a slice between his calloused fingers and eats it. Almost immediately, the sister I didn't know I had until five minutes ago, reaches out and eats one, too.
“I like bananas,” she tells him confidently and he grins, dimples deep and dark in that perfect fucking face. A sigh escapes my throat and I catch several curious looks from my sisters.
Luckily, Ty is too busy making faces at Maple who's laughing and pointing at his lip ring and saying, “Jewel, jewel.”
“Beth's home!” Lorri shouts, peeping out the lacy curtains with a grin. Jade crosses her arms over her chest and looks embarrassed. When Beth sees her in that outfit, she's going to get trashed. That is, if my sister hasn't changed a whole lot since I left. “Yay! Yay! Beth's going to be so happy, Never! She said you were the only line on her bucket list.” The smile falls from my face, and I suddenly can't catch my breath. Memories flash like lightning before my eyes as I crouch over and try not to throw up.
Beth cracks me hard across the cheek. “Don't be selfish, Never,” she snarls, pretty face not so pretty anymore. “Grow up. Don't you want Mom to be happy? Dad is dead, and he's never coming back, so get over it.”
“Get her, get her,” Lettie is saying to Lorri, pushing her forward as the two of them scramble to get out of the kitchen. My head spins and my stomach knots in a hundred places. My heart feels so fragile in that moment that I'm afraid it could shatter like glass, get stuck in my soul and bleed me to death. And then I hear Ty's voice, feel his hands sliding across the small of my back. My chair slides closer to his.
“It's okay, Nev,” he whispers as he presses a gentle kiss to my cheek. In that moment, Ty really, truly falls head over fucking heels for me. Maybe it's the crying or the raw emotions or finally having a light shown on my fucking past, but Ty McCabe really, truly gets himself in so deep there that he can't ever get back out again. Nobody kisses like that if they're not in love. I know that somehow, but I don't. Maybe I don't want to, not yet. Not until I know for certain what's going to happen in this little town, in this little piece of nowhere, this nothing that means everything.
I hear Beth before I see her.
“This better not be a joke, Lorri, because it isn't funny.” Footsteps, heels I think, move from the front door and pause at the entry to the kitchen. Ty turns around first and stands up.
“Hi there,” he says, voice casual but firm. He's afraid she's going to hurt you again. He wants to protect you. Ty wants to protect you, Never. “My name is Ty McCabe, and I'm here with Never.” He doesn't specify our relationship, doesn't define it. I like that about him. He doesn't want to corner me into a position, a title, Ty just wants me to be me. He always has. “You must be Beth.” I hear his bracelets jingle, and I assume they're shaking hands, but I don't turn around, not yet. I have to get some oxygen in my lungs before I pass out.
“Never.” Beth's voice is like a whisper on the wind, a tiny slice of air, a cluster of syllables. “Never.” Harder this time, more emotion. “Never, I'm so sorry.” And then Beth is sobbing and my chair is flying out from under me. I spin around, step past Lettie and Lorri and find myself in my big sister's arms. Her hand strokes back my hair while she rocks us back and forth like she used to do when I was little. She's wearing a pretty cream colored sweater dress and her hair is short and cut into a cute, little bob. I remain the only Regali to have dyed my hair. Beth pulls back and looks at me with big, round eyes jiggling with tears. Her lipstick is smeared across her teeth from biting at her lips nervously. She dashes her arm across her face.
“You had a baby,” is the only thing I can say as I cry. Again. It's getting old and my eyes hurt, but I'm not through yet. This has to happen, I have to bleed this pain from my body or else it will poison me. Whoever says that crying is weak is obviously just a
fucked up individual. It takes all of my strength to stand here and cry, to admit to myself that yes, I am sad, and yes, that is o-fucking-kay.
“I did!” Beth says, but that's all she can say because she's so busy squeezing the life out of me. “And I took a thousand pictures so you could follow every painful step.” I laugh as Beth takes my face between her hands and looks me in the eyes. “I knew you'd come back,” she whispers. “And I am sorry. I am so, so sorry.” I take a huge breath, pull Beth's perfume into my lungs and say the words I have to say, the ones that have been sitting inside of me all along, the ones that were so angry to be there that they convinced me to do things I shouldn't do. I let the little monsters out, and I am more than happy to be rid of them.
“I forgive you.”
I feel Ty smile behind me, don't ask how. I just know that he's standing there and that he's proud. I step back and feel like I should say something to Beth about him, like it's weird if I don't. She sees me step back and her eyes move to Ty's face. She looks at him and I can see what she's thinking. This man is no good for my sister. This is the kind of guy that lies, that cheats on you when your back is turned, that's hot as hell in the bedroom, that's like fire to your ice, but who will melt you the first chance he gets. I forgive her her judgments because I used to have them, too, but I know – or at least I think – that Ty isn't that way anymore. He's changed me, and I've changed him.
“Beth,” I begin just as I hear tires on the driveway. It's my other demon. My big one. “This is … ” I hold out my hand to indicate Ty in all his dark, twisted glory. “This is my … this is my Ty.” Beth smiles.
“Nice to meet you, Ty,” she finally says as Lettie grabs my arm and drags me back into the kitchen talking about rolls she made with India and how fluffy they are. Lorri is talking, too, and Darla is yelling, and there's just chaos everywhere. I'm not used to it, not anymore. There was once upon a time where I couldn't sleep without this noise all around me, this wild chaos, this mix of souls brushing against one another for the briefest of moments, but then I moved away and all I knew was loneliness. I knew how to connect my body with somebody else's, but I forgot about the rest of it. Slowly, oh so slowly, I start to remember.
Tasting, Finding, Keeping: The Story of Never Page 17
