by Mia Ford
“I’m sorry you don’t feel well,” Hailey said, sitting down in the chair by the fire. “I sure hope that you aren’t pregnant.”
Hailey laughed, looking over at the fire, but her words rang out deeply in my mind. Slowly, I sat up, thinking about the period I was supposed to have three days ago. I stood up and braced myself, feeling dizzy for a moment. Hailey looked up at me and furrowed her brow, watching me hobble over into my kitchen. I ran my fingers across the cold black marble of the kitchen counters and stopped at the fridge where I kept my calendar hanging. I scanned the month before for my red dot and saw that I had kept my period for a lot less time than normal. I shook my head and counted the days until I was supposed to get the next one.
My finger stopped, lingering over the day that had long passed, and the breath went out of my chest. I had never been late on my period, not even during the most stressful times in my life. On top of that, I took the pill. At the thought of the pill, I raced over to my room and pulled my suitcase out of the closest. I unzipped the front and pulled out the little, round case that should have been empty. Slowly, I opened it and then closed my eyes, realizing that on my trip, I had completely forgotten about taking my pill. Without thought, I just went on that way, too wrapped up in my own thoughts over the last month.
I shook my head and covered my face. My head filled with visions of Cameron and me rolling around in the bed at the resort, making love without a care. He hadn’t worn a condom, and I could distinctly remember the feeling of him when he came inside of me. How could I have been so stupid and so reckless? Even when I wished for a baby with Grant, I never just forgot to take my pill. I had been extra careful with that my whole life, except for when I was in Aspen, on some quest to find my freedom.
“You’re not pregnant,” Hailey said, walking into the room. “I was joking.”
“I don’t know,” I said, feeling panicky.
“Calm down,” she said. “Get dressed. We will go get a test.”
I shook my head, and with shaking hands, I put the pill case down and walked over to my dresser. I pulled out a sweatshirt and jeans and pulled them over my head. Hailey helped to get my sweatshirt situated. I looked up at Hailey as she buttoned my pants for me, and I grabbed her hands, tears filling my eyes.
“How could I have been so stupid?” I began to cry. “Thank you for being such a good friend.”
“Okay, calm down, weepy,” she said. “Don’t let those hormones get the best of you just yet. This could just be pure coincidence. You could have some kind of virus that made you miss your period.”
“I doubt it,” I said, drying my tears.
We walked to the door and out into the snow, climbing into Hailey’s SUV and heading out to the closest grocery store. When I got there, I followed after Hailey who seemed to know exactly where she was going. I had never bought a pregnancy test before, and I felt like everyone was looking at me with disgusted eyes. She pulled one off the shelf and showed it to me, stepping closer to talk.
“This is digital,” she whispered. “It will give you a pregnant or a not pregnant. That way you don’t have to worry about interpreting the little lines.”
“What little lines?”
“Never mind,” she said, hiding her smirk. “Why don’t we get you some nausea medicine and some ginger ale while we’re here, too?”
I nodded and followed her around the store, hoping that I could get this over quickly and find out that it was all in my head. I could feel the bubbles in my stomach again, and I couldn’t tell if it was the sickness or the fact that I was absolutely terrified. We went through the aisles picking out some mild snacks and something for my stomach before jumping back in the car and heading home. As she drove along, I watched the snowflakes falling outside the window, wishing that Cameron was there to go through this with me. I had fallen for a man that I knew from the beginning I had no future with, just to find out a month later that part of him could very well be the most important part of my future.
I had wanted children for a long time, but I wanted them with a partner, not as a single mother. I wasn’t worried about money or work. I was just worried about having a child on my own, raising a child without a father, and my life completely flipping upside down. When we got home, I followed Hailey into the house, and she handed me the pregnancy test.
“Just take off the end, and hold it under your stream of pee for at least fifteen seconds,” she said. “Then replace the cap, and set it on the counter. Here is your phone. Set the timer for three minutes, and when it goes off, the test will tell you if you are pregnant or not.”
I shook my head, unable to let words actually escape my mouth. I walked into the bathroom and followed her instructions exactly. I set the test down on the counter and pressed the button on my phone to start the countdown. I pulled myself up onto the sink and sat there, grasping my hands together tightly. Three minutes had never taken so long in my life. I thought about everything in my life during those three minutes. If I could think like that on a normal basis, within ten minutes I’d have an answer to world peace.
The sound of my phone beeping loudly brought me back to the cold bathroom counter. I sat there for a moment, my heart beating out of my chest. I stood up and walked over to the test, staring down at it. Slowly, I picked it up and turned it over, holding it up to my face. On the screen, it said pregnant with a little smiley face. I closed my eyes and pulled the test to my chest, not knowing how to even move. There was a child growing inside of me, and it had Cameron’s genes. I needed to figure out how to get in touch with him. This wasn’t something I wanted to keep from him. He had a right to know that he was going to be a father.
I wasn’t exactly sure I knew how he would react, but I knew that no matter what the outcome, I had a responsibility to tell him. I knew several people growing up who never knew their fathers, and I knew that if he decided not to be part of our lives, it wouldn’t matter to our child whether he was absent by choice or by ignorance. Still, I needed to make sure that he knew about this baby. I had thought not getting his number was a good idea, keeping us from carrying on with something that would never work anyway, but it seemed that I was definitely wrong. Having a way to get ahold of Cameron at that point would have been more than helpful.
I took a deep breath and walked out of the bedroom, my eyes glazed over. Hailey stood there looking at me, and I handed over the test as I walked out of the bedroom and to the windows in my living room. I stared out into the distance, little white flakes showing themselves as the orange street lights shined down in the daylight. I could hear Hailey’s careful footsteps approaching, and I turned around, my arms wrapped around my waist.
“I have to find him,” I said.
Chapter 21
Cameron
My time in New York was thankfully cut short, the slopes being less packed than they had in previous years. The snow wasn’t anywhere conducive to a good ski, and the warming temperatures in the area left icy patches straight down the middle of the slope. I had the unlucky gift of discovering the ice, taking a pretty good spill and spraining my wrist. The resort owner felt terrible, but knowing that a resort in Utah was begging for us to come, I told him to just let us out of our contract, and everything would be fine. He was more than happy to oblige since he was barely making enough to keep us in business anyway. In our contract, there was a clause that said if we didn’t reach a minimum number of clients, the resort would pay us a flat rate. I knew he did not want to pay that flat rate.
So, we got on a plane after seeing to my wrist and headed to Utah, somewhere not that much better than New York, but at least not as packed with dirty streets and angry clients. I still couldn’t get Bea off my mind, though. I thought about her every night and every morning. I hadn’t hit on a girl at all since I left Aspen, and I had turned down several others along the way. Glen could see that there was something heavy weighing on my shoulders, but still, he kept his distance and didn’t ask too many questions. He knew that when
I was ready to talk, I would talk.
Even in my dreams, Bea was on my mind, floating through the snow like an angel. The night before, I had woken up in a sweat after watching her walking away from me. She stopped and turned toward me, her belly large with a baby inside. It was the strangest thing to dream, and I could only assume it was because I had actually entertained the idea of having her in my life for a long period of time.
I took a deep breath and tried to shake the memories floating around in my head. I was in the middle of a class, listening to Glen give the rundown on safety. He had taken the lead on just about everything lately, seeing that I wasn’t quite up to the task. I wanted to be there, to be present, but I had changed, and I still couldn’t completely figure out the extent of it. I felt different, like something inside of me had taken a turn, like I wasn’t the same man I was when I had arrived in Aspen just a few months back. Every day, I looked for a sign, something telling me that Bea was looking for me, but the phone never rang, and no letters ever came. Without my information, it would be pretty hard for her to find me. My business was built on private clients, and I had never had any reason to actually advertise my company. Our name wouldn’t be in any yellow pages, and we didn’t have a website.
I knew that Bea lived somewhere in Colorado, but I had no idea where. The only thing I knew was that she was going to come looking for me in Aspen in a year. I knew no matter what that I would be there waiting, hoping that she hadn’t changed her mind. Hoping that some other man hadn’t come into her life, leaving her only briefly thinking about me on New Year’s Eve while cuddling up with him far away. I didn’t care that I might be all alone, sitting in the courtyard when the fireworks went off if it meant there was even the slightest chance that I would get to see her again.
“Cameron,” Glen whispered. “It’s time to do the movement checks.”
“Right,” I said, taking a deep breath and walking out of the building.
I hopped on the lift next to Glen and rode it up to the top of the bunny slope, trying to get my mind back on track so I could make sure this group of skiers made it down the hill without incident. Glen had been a good enough cohort that he had managed to have a whole slew of skiers go down over the last week without incident, even though I had been on another planet. I would have to eventually thank him for everything he had been doing.
We went through the movements, and I stood at the front, watching each skier go down. When the last one approached, she smiled at me sweetly and pulled down her goggles, pushing off down the slopes. As she skied, her brown hair blew behind her, and thoughts of my private day of skiing with Bea ran through my mind.
“Hey,” Glen said, rousing me from my daydream by slapping me on the shoulder. “You ready? I put everything away while you were helping the skiers down. Come on, I’ll race you to the bottom.”
I smiled and nodded my head, zipping up my jacket and looking down the hill. I realized at that moment that I hadn’t really gone skiing since I was in Aspen, not having the want or gumption to face the hill. I pushed off, already way behind Glen, but not really caring. When I reached the bottom, I slid over to the bench and unhooked my skis, picking them up and carrying them inside. There was no concierge service at this resort like there was in Aspen, so we laid our skis on the rack and headed for the bar, a place I was becoming all too familiar with once again.
The lounge was small, but adequate, with old mahogany décor and the real feeling of a mountain retreat. There were large fireplaces strewn all around the lobbies and one at the back of the bar, crackling loudly. The bartender was an older man, with a kind face that I was sure had seen a lot through the years as a barkeep in a resort. I ordered a whiskey on the rocks and turned to Glen, who I knew was waiting for the right time to speak up.
“I miss Bea,” I said, cutting him off. “I know that is what has been making you wonder. I know you’ve realized that I am not quite myself lately.”
“Yeah,” he said, looking down at his drink. “But I didn’t want to push you. I know that it wasn’t something you were planning.”
“But it happened nonetheless,” I said with a sigh. “We spent Christmas together, and that was what really started it. We had an amazing time being fools, dancing to Christmas music, opening silly presents, and just having an overall hell of a good time. That night, I asked her out for New Year’s Eve. I knew when the invitation came out of my mouth that it was already too late, but at that point, I was so involved, I couldn’t turn myself away. The night was magic, like a damn romance novel, and when we had sex, it was unlike anything I had ever experienced before. To be completely honest with you, I was waking up with the idea of trying to keep something going with her.”
“What happened?”
“She shot me down before I could even say a word,” I said. “She had made up her mind that I wasn’t a man that could change, and to be honest, I wasn’t sure that she was wrong. I completely froze and just let her make the choice, leaving without a word. The last thing I did was kiss her on the forehead and head out of there. That was why when I showed up at the airport, I was less than grounded. That’s why for the last month and a half, I’ve been all over the place.”
“It’s all right, man, everyone is entitled to that time,” Glen said. “Remember when I broke up with Marisol, right after Christmas four years ago? I was a complete wreck.”
“Yeah,” I sighed. “I just never thought it would happen to me. You know me, not the settling down type. Now, I can’t stop thinking about Bea and what it could have been.”
“Why don’t you contact her?”
“I mean, I thought of that, but I have no record of who she is,” I said. “I called in a favor with the bartender, Brian, but the room was booked under some guy’s name. I guess he wasn’t able to take the reservation, so Hailey had paid him for it. Other than Bea from Colorado, I have no other information. I don’t even know if her name is short for Beatrice or something completely different.”
“What about her job?”
“She’s a ghostwriter,” I said. “She doesn’t publish her own stuff.”
“You sure know how to pick ‘em.” Glen chuckled.
“I just wish that I had done more to be with her.” I sighed. “I should have stood up in the hotel room and told her that she was completely wrong about me. I should have told her that she made me want to be a better man, that I couldn’t imagine my world without her. I should have done anything but get up and walk away. I never have been very good with women beyond the first date.”
“You don’t know that,” he said. “You just never let anything go past the first date. Look, I didn’t mean to push all that settling stuff down on you when we were in Aspen. I just wanted you to be content and happy, and I was really just projecting my insecurities onto you.”
“Aww, man, that’s all right,” I said. “It really didn’t have anything to do with it. I wasn’t looking whatsoever when I met Bea, but it just kind of happened to fall that way. My heart was attached before my brain could even catch up to what was happening. By the time it had, I was on a plane, making my way to New York. She said she was going to meet me in Aspen on the next New Year’s Eve, so I guess I’ll bide my time until then.”
“Hey, who knows? Maybe you’ll meet someone else.” Glen looked up at a big chested blonde, prancing her way toward us.
“Hi,” she said happily, staring at me.
“Hey,” I said, taking in a deep breath.
“My name is Honey, and I was wondering if you would be willing to book a personal lesson with me?”
I sat there for a second, almost frozen by her words. She wanted a personal ski day with me, and I couldn’t even imagine being around another woman alone for that long. I wanted Bea, not some slutty blonde at the bar.
“This man,” I said, slapping Glen’s shoulder. “He is the man to talk to about personal lessons. He is the master of technique.”
I winked at Glen and swallowed the rest of my whiskey before
standing and grabbing my coat. I walked away, glancing back at Glen flirting with the blonde. I smiled and shook my head, making my way to the front doors. It was crazy how everything had flipped since Aspen. I walked outside into the snow, looking up at the night skiers jetting down the mountain for the last couple of times before the slopes closed for the day. It was eerily quiet, and it almost reminded me of that time right before sunrise, when you could hear a pin drop. I wanted to be back in that courtyard with Bea. There was no way around it.
I needed to find her, and I needed to tell her just how I really felt.
Chapter 22
Bea
I woke up and looked outside, standing at the window and thinking about everything that had been going on. I still couldn’t believe that I was pregnant, even after spending the entire week thinking about it. I had set up my first appointment at the doctor’s and bought a couple of books that would help me through all the things I had been feeling. It was an incredibly strange feeling, and even though I had Hailey as support, I yearned for Cameron to be by my side. I knew that it was probably the hormones making me so clingy and emotional, but I wasn’t sure if I would ever get over the feeling of needing Cameron in my life. Growing inside of me was his child, and I needed to figure out a way to let him know that.
