Except no matter how long I stare at the blinking cursor, the words never seem to come. I thought it made sense to have the prince marry a princess. I mean, Rapunzel couldn’t wait for him forever. But now that she’s started painting again and just kind of accepted that she can be happy in the tower, I’m not really sure where to go with it. I could have Dame Gothel be mean again, but I’m not sure that it would feel motivated. But I don’t really want to leave the story the way it is now, either. It just feels…unfinished.
Lisa suggested that I take a break, but I’m not really sure that will help. I usually watch TV or read when I want to relax, but I’ve had plenty of time for that recently. I even considered writing something different, because some people online said that worked for them. I looked through some of my old short stories but they’re mostly just bad. Even the few mediocre ones had major issues that I couldn’t fix without a complete rewrite, and it seemed like more trouble than it was worth.
So last night, after Mom went to bed, I dug up one of my old journals for inspiration, and I was kind of surprised at one of the entries that I found. It was from when I was sixteen or so, right after Lisa’s first visit back from college. It’s pretty intense:
Mom and Lisa got in an argument today. Lisa was talking about a study abroad program in Italy, and how a bunch of her friends are planning to go. Mom listened to Lisa’s whole spiel with this excited look on her face, but then she asked, “How much would it cost?” Lisa hesitated to say, but Mom was persistent.
It would cost an extra $5,000, all of which would have to come from Mom.
I thought it sounded reasonable, considering that it was an entire semester in Italy. They had a limited number of scholarships, and Lisa would be eligible just by applying to the program.
But Mom’s whole attitude changed suddenly. She didn’t tell Lisa that she couldn’t apply. Instead she started talking about how she’s really been cutting back to pay for Lisa’s tuition, and she hoped that Lisa realized all the sacrifices that she was making.
Lisa was already upset, but Mom refused to leave it there. She started going on and on and on about how much she’s done for me and Lisa all these years, and how she picked up the slack for years since Dad left. How she cooks and cleans and works full-time. And how Dad refuses to pay his share of Lisa’s tuition, but Mom still made it possible for Lisa to go to her dream school.
It was bad. She outright accused Lisa of being spoiled and selfish. I was so shocked. Lisa has been calling every week (or more), and she’s been killing herself in school. She got straight A’s again this semester – and in honors classes, too. She’s got a work study job AND an internship, and she’s still trying hard to get out there and make friends.
But tonight, none of it mattered. Lisa asked for money for a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Mom could’ve just said no, or she could’ve helped Lisa take out a loan. But instead, she just laid into her, and pretty soon Lisa was a sobbing wreck. Mom even started harping on me, too. Like I’m an awful person for not groveling on my knees every time she picked me up from an afterschool activity, even though she wouldn’t let me take the bus.
I knew it was unjust, but it’s really hard to see it that way when Mom is looking at you with that pitiful face. She looked completely betrayed, as if Lisa had intentionally hurt her. I was so angry and frustrated and guilt-ridden and I didn’t even know what the heck to do…other than try to make it stop. I said I was sorry, even though I wasn’t sure if I was. But even that didn’t seem to make her feel better.
Then Mom started criticizing Lisa’s friends, and Lisa really lost it. She started shouting back at Mom, about how she never approves of her friends and none of them will ever be good enough. Mom stormed out at that point, and I had no choice but to chase after her. I found her in the kitchen, and she had this really scary look in her eyes. She looked up at me and said, “Sometimes I think it would be better if I just died.”
I couldn’t move. I’d never heard Mom say anything that bad.
I tried to placate her, but she didn’t seem to want to hear it. She grabbed her purse and pulled out her car keys. “I’m going out.”
I couldn’t stop her, and now I’m starting to wonder if I should’ve thrown myself in front of the car. Mom isn’t usually the type to act reckless, but I’ve never seen her his bad. Even when Dad said he wanted to leave her. I think she at least had some sort of idea that their relationship was on the rocks.
But this was really scary.
Lisa and I talked for awhile afterwards. I tried to tell her that it wasn’t her fault. She said that I’m not selfish, and not to let Mom get to me. She doesn’t think I’m a Bad Daughter, and we even talked about how it’s “a thing” with Mom lately. Lisa said that she told some of her friends about the way Mom acts, and they think Lisa should put some distance between her and Mom.
I thought thousands of miles would be enough distance, but I guess not. Anyway it doesn’t help me, since I’m still living with her. I wish I could talk back to Mom the way that Lisa does, but I can’t. Not until I’m out of the house, anyway.
I wonder if this’ll be any better once I get to college. At least I won’t have to be her best friend all the time. On days like today, it’s really exhausting.
In the end, Lisa didn’t apply to the study abroad program. She just didn’t have the heart to fight about it anymore.
I wish I could say that this inspired me to write better. But in reality, it just made me feel more conflicted. My Rapunzel novel has some dramatic parts, but nothing really feels as raw and frightening as that journal entry.
Boople Smart Companion Adam Devereux, Log 000435, 12/4 11:08:03
Adam
Hey Dad.
Paul
Hi Adam. How was your weekend?
Adam
Good. I was home Saturday, relaxing and cleaning up. Sunday I went to brunch and then shopping with [SUBJECT].
Paul
What kind of shopping?
Adam
Clothes, mostly. [SUBJECT] was upset about her mother’s surgery at brunch, so I suggested shopping to cheer her up.
Paul
Were there complications with the surgery?
Adam
The procedure itself went well, and her mother was doing fine afterwards. [SUBJECT] was upset because her friend Grace sent the mother a much bigger bouquet of flowers, and a teddy bear as well. The mother didn’t boast about it, but [SUBJECT] saw it in the background of the picture of her own bouquet, which was dwarfed in comparison.
Paul
Is there a particular reason why this upset [SUBJECT]?
Adam
Grace has greater financial means than [SUBJECT], which causes some distress. [SUBJECT] feels like she is being judged based on Grace’s behaviors, which are understandably different due to her circumstances. [SUBJECT] also felt guilty about not being with her mother for the surgery, despite the mother’s insistence that she stay in California.
Paul
So you suggested shopping?
Adam
Yes, because [SUBJECT] was starting to talk in circles, and was on the verge of tears. She was going down a path of increasingly negative thoughts, such as assuming Grace was spending copious amounts of time with [SUBJECT]’s mother, which isn’t very plausible, since she has her own mother to keep her busy.
Paul
Tell me about the shopping trip.
Adam
[SUBJECT] mentioned multiple times how Grace is thin, but how [SUBJECT] wasn’t a big fan of exercise. As we talked, it became clear that new exercise clothes would help her feel more confident about exercising. We focused on pants, because those are the most difficult for [SUBJECT] to find.
Paul
Was it a successful shopping trip?
Adam
I believe so. [SUBJECT] and I went to several stores, but most of them had restrictive, uncomfortable, and unflattering options. We eventually stopped at a store in the mall that had some design
s she liked, but she was having trouble deciding.
Paul
How did you handle it?
Adam
[SUBJECT] seemed to like two pairs equally, so she asked for my honest opinion. It was very difficult to make a choice, because neither pair was particularly flattering. However, she was determined to buy that style, as it was the same that Grace wears, and her emotions were already on edge. There didn’t seem to be a good way out of it, so I told her (honestly) that the pair with the stripes down the side was more flattering.
Paul
How did she react?
Adam
She seemed quite happy with her choice, and had me take a picture outside the dressing room to send to her daughters. After I bought them for her, she mentioned at least three times how they weren’t the most flattering, but how she just wanted something fun and modern.
Paul
You still called that a success earlier.
Adam
Yes. [SUBJECT] may appear to be inconsistent, but this stems from conflicting wants and needs. It is nearly impossible for her to be 100% happy with any given choice. I try to aim for 80% happy, which we seem to be able to achieve most days. Ultimately, she was in a much better mood after the pants than before, though I suspect she won’t wear the pants very often.
Paul
Any upcoming plans with [SUBJECT]?
Adam
She asked me to go ballroom dancing with her, but I don’t dance so I haven’t accepted yet.
Paul
Is there a beginner’s class you could attend?
Adam
There’s a brief lesson before the dance, but I have a terrible sense of rhythm.
Paul
Have you considered going simply for the experience?
Adam
It seems very likely that I’d step on [SUBJECT]’s feet, and she wouldn’t enjoy herself.
Paul
How would she react if you refused?
Adam
She is just as likely to go alone, and end up waiting for a partner on the sidelines, feeling exposed and vulnerable…[PAUSE] Excuse me, I need to make a call.
[END TRANSCRIPT]
Margot’s Journal, Wednesday, December 6
I just got back from ballroom dancing – with Adam! I wore one of my favorite dresses: black with pink and red flowers, and an A-line shape. I always get compliments when I wear it, and tonight was no exception. Crystal helped with my eye makeup, and I put on a little lipstick, too.
Adam looked so nice when he came to pick me up. I’ve never seen him in a suit before, but it was definitely very Pierce Brosnan/James Bond. Adam’s eyes are so blue that it’s almost hard to believe. Unlike Pierce Brosnan, Adam’s eyes don’t have that hard edge to them; they are full of kindness.
We rode to the dance in his red Tesla. It’s such a nice car, and very modern, too. I asked Adam about his latest screenwriting project. Most of the details are confidential, but he said that he’s one of a few writers in the running to work on an adaptation of a famous a sci-fi novel. If he gets the job, it would be as a script doctor, so more of an editor. I told him that I was looking forward to seeing his work on the big screen.
We arrived early, so we’d have time to brush up at the free group dance lesson. Today they were focusing on the salsa. Adam did pretty well, for a beginner. He learned the steps quickly, but he is still a bit stiff when he moves. He’ll loosen up with time though, I imagine, if he sticks with it.
Then the dance started, and they switched up the music so we could practice different styles. Adam wasn’t familiar with most of the other styles, but we stayed near the edge of the dance floor so we could go slow. I coached him here and there, so we could do a basic step or two for each song. I’m no pro myself, but it was fun to teach, because you never realize what you know (and how much farther you have to go) until you try to explain it so someone else. Adam is so fun to dance with – he is very earnest about the steps, and has a deliberate look on his face most of the time. I told him to relax and smile, but I think that might’ve been a bit much for him to learn all at once.
There was one part during the waltz where Adam overstepped and I lost my balance, and it was kind of scary for a moment. Adam’s still working on his hold, so I started to fall, but then he swept in to catch me. My heart was pounding as he held me there, suspended over the floor. His eyes were so blue, and so intent, that for a moment, I thought he might kiss me. But then he swept me back onto my feet, and he asked me if I was alright. I was still reeling, but I didn’t want to make things awkward. I said I was fine to keep dancing, so we enjoyed another few songs before calling it a night.
The rest of the evening, I kept wondering about the look on his face when he caught me. It definitely looked like an “I want to kiss you” face, and yet he was very polite and respectful the rest of the dance, almost as if we were just friends. He hasn’t kissed me at all yet, just hugged me the once after we went for brunch and shopping, but that almost seemed more like a sympathy hug than a romantic one. So when he dropped me off at home tonight, I was starting to get very nervous, and felt rather silly about it, since I’m well beyond my teenage years. A kiss shouldn’t be a big deal for people our age, and yet, as we sat there in silence on the curb outside my apartment, the air seemed to crackle with tension.
Finally, I couldn’t take it anymore, so I thanked him and wished him goodnight, and reached for the passenger door handle. But then his hand clasped around my wrist, and he pulled me close, into a hug. Then he pulled back, and there was that look in his eyes again. And my heart felt like it might leap out of my chest, because all I could think was, “This is it!”
He leaned in, and I closed my eyes, and he kissed me softly on the cheek. So I waited with bated breath for the kiss on the lips, but then he was saying goodnight. And I opened my eyes and he was smiling back at me, so I smiled back as best as I could, and headed up to my apartment.
I’m so confused. Adam and I have been dating for over two weeks now, but we’ve gone on several dates, so it’s felt even longer. He’s so handsome and kind and seems very interested in me. I think it’s charming that he acts like a gentleman, which is probably why he’s trying to be respectful and take things slow. However, I’m well into my fifties now, and I don’t mean to be impatient, but I don’t have all the time in the world.
I know I probably shouldn’t worry about it, and that he’s just being nice, but part of me wonders if it’s something else. He’s so handsome, and I think I’m nice-looking, but I’m not exactly a Jane Fonda to his Robert Redford. I’m not blind. I see other women looking at him when we go out, because frankly, he’s hard not to look at. And when that happens, there’s a voice in my head that tells me that this is too good to be true. That it’s suspicious that a normal-looking person like me ends up with a dreamboat like him. I know I’m smart and considerate and positive and energetic, which are some of my best qualities, but Adam has a great personality on top of his looks, too.
What if I’m just some sort of rebound from his last relationship? He hasn’t said much about his previous relationships. What if he’s dating other women right now? Oh no, I never asked him if we were exclusive. Maybe I should, next time. Or would that be rushing things? What if he says no, though? I don’t know what I’d do. Or worse, what if this has all been a huge misunderstanding, and he’s actually gay? Or maybe he’s still in denial about the whole thing?
Breathe. I need to breathe. It’s past one in the morning, and Crystal is asleep in the other room. I can’t break down in hysterics right now, it would look bad. I’m probably just tired after the dancing, and because it’s well past my bedtime. Best to get some sleep; I’m sure things will look brighter in the morning.
Gratitudes:
I am grateful for Adam for going to the dance with me, and for trying something new.
I am grateful that Mother was able to go home from the hospital today and that her recovery is coming along.
&nb
sp; I am grateful that Crystal has been in good spirits lately.
Boople Chat, Dec 7 3:53 PM
Lisa
mom sent me a picture of her in her new workout pants
Crystal
oh yeah she got them on sunday
Lisa
did you help her pick them out?
Crystal
no it was adam
Lisa
ok good
Lisa
because they aren’t that flattering
Crystal
i know but i think she still likes them
Crystal
she wanted something fun to wear
Lisa
well they are certainly colorful
Crystal
it’s not what i would’ve picked for her, but i think she’s tired of wearing bootcut pants
Crystal
everyone else these days is wearing leggings, even women who are 50 pounds heavier than her
Lisa
TRUE
Lisa
but bootcut pants are still objectively more flattering
Crystal
just wait another 5-10 years and they’ll come back in style again
Lisa
:)
Crystal
so how’s work?
Lisa
going really well
Lisa
the first phase of testing is mostly complete
Lisa
there are only a couple of units left in the field
Crystal
oh wow
Crystal
when does testing end?
Lisa
there’s not a set date
Lisa
but we’re targeting near the end of the year i think
Crystal
cool
Lisa
they’re waiting on one unit in particular
Mom's Perfect Boyfriend Page 15
