She pictured him as some kind of victim.
That didn’t sit well at all.
Matter-of-fact it stuck in his gut like he’d swallowed a prickly pear cactus.
After delivering her unforeseen question, she’d stunned him more by taking him outside to sit on her back deck. Gabi told him when they got out there, that before becoming a Christian she’d thought she always needed to be doing something. That she always needed someplace to go, something to fill the silence.
Since giving her life to Christ she’d learned that finding quiet time was essential. She’d asked him not to speak when they went out onto the porch. Just to sit, look up at God’s sky and stars and let God spend time with him.
God spend time with him. Even though she knew he was struggling with all that had happened in his life and with what had just happened with Colt, she’d asked him to humor her. To do this for her.
He’d been compelled by that. Partly because he was thrown off guard by her very unflattering view of him. And partly because he knew he needed answers. This standoff that he’d been having with God was at its limits.
When he’d finally risen to leave he’d not gotten any answers—but Gabi hadn’t asked him questions.
Halfway home he’d realized that he felt more at peace.
And he wanted to see Gabi again.
When she’d shown up at the hospital, he’d never felt like that before nor been so happy to see anyone.
She’d come for him.
To give him comfort. To hold him. To be there for him in a time of need. His need.
Through all the anger that had driven Colt away and driven Jess to seek out Gabi at her home last Monday night, he’d almost let all the anger bury her actions. But on the deck in the silence her goodness filtered through the darkness and filled him with peace. Had God sent her to him?
At some point sitting under the stars with her, she’d held out her hand to him again. Just held it out between them. She hadn’t looked at him, hadn’t said anything, she’d simply—with her head leaned back on the chaise lounge and her eyes on God’s sky, as she’d called it—she’d reached out for his hand.
And he’d reached out for hers.
And Jess knew in that moment that Gabi Newberry had changed something inside of him.
Now, looking at his mother, Jess forced himself to walk toward her.
He’d told her they would talk today and he wasn’t one to back down from a promise. He’d learned that from Luke.
“Rhonda,” he said, unable to call her Mom. “How are you holding up?” She looked drawn and nervous. Something inside him felt some measure of sympathy.
“I’m fine. Worried about Colt, but I’m fine. Thanks for speaking to me. I k-know—” tears swelled in her eyes. “I know it isn’t easy for you.”
Jess couldn’t say anything good so he said nothing at all and willed her not to cry. He fought off the sympathy as she dabbed at her eyes.
“I wanted to talk to you and say again, how sorry I am for running out on you and your brothers. I could give excuses of being young and stressed but that doesn’t help, does it?”
No, it didn’t help that ten-year-old kid who’d needed her. And he wished it didn’t still affect the thirty-year-old man he’d become.
“Nothing I can do will make up for the fact that I did it. I was supposed to have been there for you and your brothers. And for your dad. And I wasn’t.”
“You don’t owe anything to Dad,” Jess bit out vehemently, struck wrong that she would think that. “He wronged you, too. And I get that.”
She looked down. “What you don’t get is how I turned around and wronged you, too.”
Jess nodded. She’d nailed it.
“I honestly can’t answer that. I can’t get back yesterday no matter how much I want to. But I’ve been waiting and praying that you could forgive me. That you could give me a second chance even though it’s the last thing I deserve. Jess, I’m hoping you can do that. I’m not asking for you to embrace me or anything. I’m just asking for you to let the past go. I’m so proud of the men you boys have become and so ashamed that I had nothing to do with that. But I want to know that you’re okay. Can you forgive me?”
Jess realized in that instant that he had the choice to make this time. “I’m okay. It’ll be all right.” Looking at his mother, he knew he wanted to let go of the past. He could do this. After all, like Luke and Colt had both said, she’d been wronged too by the man who was supposed to take care of her.
It was time for Jess to act like a man.
* * *
Monday morning Jess and Luke met early to feed the cattle. It had been a long time since they’d had to put this much hay out during the summer. But there wasn’t much grass and if there wasn’t real rain soon, then by the end of August, there would be no water in most ponds and no grass at all in the grazing lands.
“If this keeps up, we’re going to have to sell off the herd,” Luke said as they drove to unload the round bale of hay.
They’d already talked about Colt and they understood that burying himself in his bull riding was probably the only way he could deal with the emotions tearing him up right now. Though he hadn’t phoned, Luke had called a fellow bull rider who was a friend of theirs. They knew Colt had won the Mesquite Professional Bull Riders event the night before and that he’d drawn one of the meanest bulls out there to ride.
But today they had cattle to feed and a ranch to tend to before Mother Nature did too much damage.
“We’ve got the stream that’s still flowing and a few ponds that aren’t dried up yet, so we can hang on for another month before we make that decision.” Luke was pushing limits and he and Jess both knew it.
But Jess agreed with him. It had been almost two weeks since they’d found any new dead cattle. The lab results were going to start coming in this week and they’d know something. Maybe the dead heifers were a fluke of some sort, since no other unexplained deaths had been discovered across the county.
Then they topped the hill and rounded a bend on the other side of woods and Jess spotted it. Another dead animal.
* * *
Susan and Gabi both arrived at the ranch not long after Luke had called in the death and they’d made short order of getting the necropsy done.
“Results of some of the earliest plant testing should start trickling in,” Susan told them. “Maybe this death will tell us more than the others have.”
They discussed every possibility and Jess noticed as they talked that Gabi seemed distracted with the woods. “This section of woods cuts through the pastures where this animal was found and the pasture where the first heifers were discovered. Right?”
“Yeah, that’s right,” Jess said, walking to stand beside her. Dressed in her usual tank top and jeans, smelling like an apple, Jess was happy to see her. He’d booked to ship a load of cattle on Sunday, and therefore hadn’t seen Gabi since he’d left her on the porch two nights before. His day, as bad as it was starting out, brightened the instant she’d driven up with her sunny smile and sweet disposition.
“What are you thinking, Gabi?”
She headed toward her truck. “It’s in those woods. I feel it. I’ve missed something.”
Jess followed her to her truck as did Luke and Susan.
“I’m heading back to the office and going to get busy on this,” Susan said. “Let me know what you find, Gabi.” She grinned at Jess. “She’s like a hound dog on a trail. She is not going to give up.”
“We figured that out,” Luke said, checking his watch. “Jess, do you have this?”
“Sure. You go do what you need to do.”
Gabi was gathering up her backpack with her supplies in it. “I’ll call the minute we find something, Susan.”
There was a pep in her stride and a stiffness in her jaw as she said a quick goodbye and headed toward the woods. Jess didn’t waste any time lingering behind.
* * *
Gabi concentrated on the ground as she entered the woods. They should have some answers this week coming from the lab but her instinct told her these woods were the key. Sure, there could be a problem with the different plants on the ranch but this was where the real problem existed. The first dead animals had been found across the woods in the other pasture. These woods were where she’d started her search but they were big and maybe she’d missed something.
Jess followed her and she was so glad to see that he seemed better than he had on Saturday. She’d been praying for him and keeping her distance. She’d fallen in love with the cowboy and that tore her up in so many ways. Wasn’t being in love supposed to be a joyous, wonderful thing?
Normally. But she knew she’d just set herself up for heartache loving Jess. She also knew she had to tell him the truth. The whole truth.
But first she was going to find what was killing his cattle.
“Is there anything particular we’re looking for?” Jess asked, trailing her close.
“Hoof prints. I think there’s something somewhere in here that draws them. And it’s very deadly.” She paused, turning to face him, steeling herself against the emotions that pulled at her. “I think every heifer that finds whatever it is drops dead soon after.”
Jess’s gaze was unnerving. A gentle smile curved his lips. “You are one tenacious go-getter—as App would say.”
She smiled, feeling happy in the glow of his admiration. “I like to think so. Keeping busy keeps me out of trouble.”
“You and everyone else.”
“Some of us need to stay busy more than others,” she said, heading out again. There was no better time then now for being busy to keep her out of trouble. Standing around staring at Jess was asking for trouble.
* * *
Something was wrong with Gabi. He realized it soon after they were in the woods. She’d pulled back from him. She was here working and there was a sense of excitement humming between them because he agreed with her and thought their killer plant was somewhere in these woods. It made sense.
But his mind wasn’t on the plants. It was on Gabi.
“Your cattle have totally been coming this way. Look at this.” Gabi waved him over to where she’d bent down to study a faint cow trail among the dry underbrush.
Excitement rose in her voice as he looked over her shoulder. A dangerous thing to do given that he had pretty much become a huge fan of apples. He inhaled and his pulse quickened.
She looked over her shoulder and smiled. “Let’s see where this leads. You with me?”
“Gabi, I’m with you anywhere you want to go.”
She laughed, and he didn’t miss the nervous tremor of that laugh.
“Are you okay?” he asked after they’d gone a long way and she’d remained silent. He couldn’t ignore his instincts any longer. After how close they’d been on Saturday night, to be treated almost like a stranger felt completely wrong.
Gabi stopped but didn’t turn around immediately.
“What’s up, Gabi? What’s wrong?”
“Careless Weed!” She spun around and stared at him. “Come look, Jess.” His instinct told him something was wrong, but he crossed to where she stood, pointing at a common Careless Weed plant. “These are growing all through here,” she said pointing to the area ahead of them. The trees had suddenly given way to a tiny meadow and the scraggly weed could be seen everywhere in the dappled sunlight.
“Well, I’ll be. Cattle love them,” he added, thinking hard. Unlike vetch he knew Careless Weed was toxic to cattle. But only if eaten in large amounts and without other food sources. A rancher knew to watch out for patches of them and make sure that cattle weren’t exposed to it in abundance. “Are you thinking this could be the problem? It is a good bit, but the cattle are getting plenty of other food sources. It should balance out.”
Excitement shown in Gabi’s eyes. “Unless—” She reached into her backpack and drew out her book. She flipped through and stopped on the page about Careless Weed, scanning it. “Yes! I thought so. If the soil level has a high content of nitrogen, it can make the plant highly lethal. It can change the plant from a low, managed risk to deadly. Sudden death can occur with no previous signs. And that’s what we think is happening to your cattle. I have a good feeling about this, Jess. The lab work will prove it when it comes back. God is good. This is the best-case scenario. All you have to do now is mow down this stuff.”
Jess grinned like a kid watching the pleasure on Gabi’s face. “I think you could be on to something,” he said, excitement mixed with hope and relief hummed through him. Like she’d said, if this was the culprit, this was manageable and containable.
She laughed, popped to her feet like a jack-in-the-box and held out her hand for a high-five. “I smell success! And I like the way it smells.”
Looking at her, Jess chalked it up to the excitement and opened his big mouth. “I like the way you look, too,” he blurted out, grinning like a fool. There was so much to like about Gabi.
Except for that drinking problem.
* * *
“Jess, I need to tell you something,” Gabi said, standing among the Careless Weeds. She was so happy to find what she was fairly positive was Jess’s problem. But she’d realized that she couldn’t put off the inevitable any longer. She had to come clean.
When Phillip walked out on her there had been none of this, no heartache that reached inside her and threatened to break her in two as he walked out the door. With Jess, he’d just walked inside the door of her heart and she was frightened beyond anything she’d ever known that, when she was completely transparent about herself, he’d walk right out and never look back.
Despite that risk, it was time.
“When I told you about myself, about my problem, I didn’t tell you everything. And knowing how you feel about certain things, I know that I have to be totally open with you.”
His eyebrows dipped in consternation. “I thought you had been.”
Her stomach twisted. “Not about everything.”
He gave her an encouraging smile that made her sadder than she could stand. Oh, how she loved this man.
“When I became a Christian I changed a lot. God turned my life around. I told you I got behind the wheel that night but Jess, I…I drank a lot. Me driving while intoxicated was not just a first-time occurrence on that night that I almost killed those kids.” She saw the surprise flash in his eyes. Felt him stiffen though he was standing two feet away. But she pressed on.
“The truth is I drank almost every day, and I drank a lot. I lived for the weekend when I could drink as much as I wanted and party till I dropped and didn’t have to worry about showing up at work without a hangover.”
She closed her eyes against the churning storm she saw brewing in Jess’s eyes. “I’m not proud of this, but I can’t begin to tell you how many times I woke up and couldn’t remember where I was.” Embarrassment washed over her but she continued. “Or how I got there.”
Jess’s eyes had darkened with anger. His lips were flattened, grim. She prayed when she was done it would make a difference…and yet something inside her was dimming. Hope was fading with each word.
“I was out of control, Jess, I—I’d gotten to where I needed alcohol every day. I wanted it.”
He made a harsh sound and glared down at the hard ground. “I should have known—” The words were bitter and cut right to Gabi’s heart.
She blinked away the dampness in her eyes; she would not tear up. “When Judy told me in no uncertain terms what I had almost done that night, and then told me about her son, I broke. Go
d laid His hand on me and all Gram and my mother’s prayers came together and I saw what I was going to become—had become. I knew it would only get worse if I didn’t turn around and run to God’s loving arms. Jess, I knew that I loved alcohol too much and that soon, I wouldn’t be able to turn away from it at all. I have a problem, but I can tell you with complete honesty and with all my heart that God opened my eyes in time. I walked away and I don’t have a problem any longer. I don’t. I don’t drink any more. I don’t have to have it. I don’t have a problem any longer.”
“Why are you just now telling me this? You could have told me before.”
“You’re right.” Her heart squeezed tight with fear. “I didn’t tell you because, in my heart of hearts I didn’t want you to think badly of me.”
She waited, wanting to feel his arms around her.
“You should have told me,” he said, then turned and walked through the trees. Gabi followed.
“Jess, I lov—” she bit the words back “—I’m not that person anymore.”
He swung around. “Do you know how many times I heard my dad tell my mother he’d quit? That he wasn’t that person any more?” He laughed harshly, his eyes glittering in the dappled light. “Until one day he told her ‘this is who I am—deal with it’.”
Gabi fought back tears, her hands shook and she hugged herself against the pain in his words.
“Gabi, I told you, you knew, I will never have that happen in my life. You lied to me when you chose not to tell me who you are.”
Despite all the pain and guilt she was already feeling, this stunned her. You lied to me when you chose not to tell me who you are. She couldn’t move, watching him disappear through the trees.
He was right.
She had lied to him about who she was. She had lied to him by holding back the most important detail of her life.
And now it had come between them.
Chapter Nineteen
Her Lone Star Cowboy Page 16
