by Jayne Blue
He folded his hands in his lap. “Fine. Deacon.”
He never called me that. It was either Daniel, or son. He’d accepted my choice to leave the priesthood, more or less. But I knew he took the patch I now wore as a personal betrayal. Even if he couldn’t bring himself to say it.
“I see things,” he said. “And I’m an old man. Too old to go through this shit again.”
I blanched. My whole life, I’d never heard Father Sanchez swear. Anger swirled behind his eyes. “I don’t know what you mean.”
He slammed his fist against the table, nearly overturning it. “Don’t. Save both our dignity and don’t lie to me. I’m not asking for details. It’s probably better if I don’t hear them, even within the confines of the confessional.”
“I don’t recall asking for absolution,” I said.
“No,” he said. “You haven’t. Not this time. And I didn’t say I’d be inclined to give it.”
This got an eye raise out of me. “Don’t tell me you’re the one having trouble keeping your vows this time.” I meant it almost as a joke. Banter was one of the things we did best. But Sanchez wasn’t smiling.
“I told you. I’m old, Daniel. Too old. And I know what’s going on. You and your crew are about to let this town go to hell. For what? Guns? Drugs? Money?”
“The Saints don’t deal drugs and you know it,” I said, anger rising.
Sanchez waved a dismissive hand. “Spare me the finer points. Was Sean the opening shot? Was it the Devils Hawks?”
I cleared my throat. “That would fall under the heading of a finer point, Father.”
“You’re young,” he said. “All of you. You have no idea the kind of destruction a club war would do to this town. People will die, Deacon. Innocent people. People you love. People I love. Even if you win.”
“You know I can’t discuss this with you.”
“No,” he said. “Of course not. And I don’t recall asking you to.”
“Then what are you here for? Are you going to try and convince me to leave the club?”
Father Sanchez reached for his wine. “I know what happens because I’ve seen it, Daniel. You’re willing to let this town burn, for what? More territory? You never pay the price. We’re the ones that pay the price.”
I leaned forward; the worn leather of my cut creaked. “It’s not just about territory. If you’ve seen what you say you have, you know that too. Like it or not, my club is what keeps even worse evil from getting in.”
“There is no worse evil, Daniel. There’s just evil.”
I laughed. “And if you really believed that, you wouldn’t be sitting here.”
“Did it help?” he asked, not missing a beat.
“Did what help?”
He took a slow sip. “Revenge. When you turned to it. Did it fill the hole in your heart? Did it bring your father back to you?”
I squeezed my eyes shut and clenched a fist. “I told you, I didn’t ask you to hear my confession.”
“No. You didn’t. You haven’t asked me that in years. And I couldn’t absolve you anyway, probably. Because I believe you’d do it again. You’re getting ready to.”
“Don’t,” I said, placing a hand over Father Sanchez’s when he reached for his wine. “Why don’t you just come out with it? What are you really doing here?”
He snatched his hand away. “I don’t know. That’s the God’s honest truth. No. Maybe it isn’t. I’m worried. I’m an old man, and I know war is coming to Port Azrael again. And I know you’re going to be at the center of it. So I was hoping, futile though that may be, that I could convince you not to be.”
“You’re right. Probably about all of it. But mostly about the futility. I’m where I’m supposed to be. I know that disappoints you.”
He poured himself another glass of wine. If he had any more, I’d need to call him a cab. “Where’s that, Daniel? I think maybe that’s what I’m doing here. You disappeared after Sean died. Where?”
I turned from him. A breeze picked up, sending spirals of sand across the landscape. He knew me. Damn the man, he still knew me so well.
“Is she well?” he asked. I didn’t want to answer. Father Sanchez had counseled Beth as much as me when we learned the truth about Sean. And he’d been the first to see what grew between us. He also knew I wouldn’t be strong enough to walk away.
“Well enough,” I finally said, growing angry. If he started to lecture me about the past, I might just throw him out. He didn’t though.
“I miss her too,” he said, sighing. “Beth was ... well, she was special, wasn’t she?”
I didn’t have to answer him. He could see the truth in my eyes. Yes, she was special. She was everything.
“But even she wasn’t enough to keep you from breaking your vows.”
I tapped my fingers on the table. Vows. I’d taken so many in my life. I’d kept the ones that mattered most. To my club. To the brothers I chose, if not the one I was born with. And I would keep my vow to Beth.
“I used to think she was the reason you turned away from your calling,” he said. “Temptation of the flesh. I couldn’t blame you. Either of you, really. Sean betrayed you both. It was only natural that you should turn to each other. It was my idea that she seek counsel from you. I thought you could help each other.”
Something hardened inside of me. What Beth and I shared had been more sacred than anything that ever happened in church for me. “We did,” I said. There was no point denying what we were to each other back then. I had confessed that sin to this man long ago.
“So,” Father Sanchez said, finishing the last of his wine. “She took you back, did she?”
“Back?”
He eyed me up and down. The man had a way of reading my soul that set the hairs on the back of my neck on end. Once upon a time, I felt I couldn’t hide anything from him. Now I knew I could. He knew it too.
“I figured you’d go to her once Sean was out of the way.”
“It was never about Sean,” I snapped.
He nodded. “Have it your way. Does Beth know what’s coming? With the club?”
I didn’t answer.
“Son,” he said, reaching for me again. “You think I don’t understand what’s churning inside of you? You think I’ve lived a chaste life? I’m a man. I’ve had my own temptations. My own demons.”
“And I told you, I’m not looking for absolution.”
He squeezed my arm. “And I told you I’m not here to give it. But know this: it’s not too late for you. Even with everything you’ve done. Everything you’re about to do. Beth though … You cannot drag her through this. If you do, every sacrifice you’ve made, every oath you’ve broken, it will be for nothing.”
“What are you asking me?” I pulled my hand away. “You speak in riddles, old man. I don’t have time for it. I have to get to the clubhouse.”
He sighed. “Of course you do. There’ll be a vote to take, I expect. A pretty big one, eh?”
I wouldn’t answer. What was there to say?
“Do you love her?” he asked, throwing me.
Love. It almost seemed an inadequate word for what my heart felt toward Beth. It was so big I couldn’t describe it. I certainly couldn’t explain it to someone like Father Sanchez who’d lived his life alone.
“Well,” he said. “Whatever she is to you, open your eyes, if not your heart, to what’s to come. No matter what you tell yourself. No matter what you tell her, she can’t be safe through this.”
“I think you should go.”
He shrugged. “I probably should. But I told you, I miss Beth too. And I care about her. We love some of the same people. So I’m asking you. No, I’m telling you. If you do love her, don’t drag her through this. She survived Sean. She won’t survive you.”
“What do you want me to do?” I snapped, though his answer was obvious. It burned in my heart like a brand.
Father Sanchez smiled as he slowly rose. He put a hand on my shoulder in almost a benediction. “
If you love her, son. You have to let her go.”
With that, he turned and left.
Chapter 13
Beth
My heels clicked against the marble floors as I hit a dead run into the emergency room. It was the only part of Darlene’s message that made any sense. It also wasn’t the first time and likely not the last she’d call me out here in the middle of the night.
I found her slumped over in a waiting room chair, face in hands. Her cheeks were bright red. No, almost purple, as she took great, heaving breaths. One of the nurses stood beside her, rubbing her back. Janet, I think her name was. We’d represented her son a few years ago when he got caught drinking underage at a neighborhood party. He’d turned out all right. Kept out of trouble after that and got a lacrosse scholarship to a small college in the panhandle.
Janet met my eyes and gave me a tight-lipped smile. She whispered something into Darlene’s ear then gently excused herself. Darlene didn’t look up as I took the seat beside her and took up where Janet left off, rubbing Darlene’s back.
“Is he okay?” I asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.
“He started coughing up blood,” Darlene said. My heart dropped. “Sadie called. Found him slumped over his steering wheel an hour ago.”
“His steering wheel? How the hell did Ed even have a set of keys? Sadie usually makes him surrender them before she’ll serve him even one drink.”
Darlene blew her nose into a tissue, sounding like a strangled goose. “Oh, he didn’t have keys. He was sleeping in his car, is all.”
“What do the doctors say?”
Darlene finally looked up at me, her eyes puffy from crying. My heart went out to her. Ed was her whole life. She’d been married a half a dozen times but Ed had always been her number one project. Her lost cause.
“It’s his liver,” she said. “It was always going to be his liver. Plus his blood pressure is through the roof and just about every other thing.”
“He’ll pull through,” I said. “He always does. We’ll get him into that rehab place. He’ll dry out. We’ve been through this before, Dar. It’s going to be okay.”
“He’s not getting any younger,” she said. “And neither am I. I’m done, Beth. I just can’t keep doing this. Neither can you. I told him as much. Judge Dupree told him he doesn’t want to see him in his courtroom again until he gets his act together. If he ever can. He means it this time. They’re going to report him to the state bar.”
I sat back in my chair. Of course, I’d been through this routine with both Darlene and Ed enough over the last ten years. Something seemed altogether different though. Darlene just looked ... old. Worn out. Cleaning up after Ed was no kind of life for her long term and we both knew it.
“You deserve something else,” she said, as if reading my mind.
“Don’t worry about me,” I said. “You know I can take care of myself.”
“Hmmm. I don’t know about that.” Darlene honked one more time into her tissue. It helped. Her eyes cleared and she put something resembling a smile on her face. Stuffing the tissue in her pocket, she put a hand over mine.
“Did you enjoy your half a day off?” There was a mischievous twinkle in her eye. I wondered how long Darlene had been waiting to steer the subject to my personal life. Even in her distress, the woman never missed a beat.
Doctor Perkins saved me from having to answer her right away. The guy looked about a hundred years old and had been an E.R. attending at Crystal Falls Hospital for as long as anyone could remember. He knew everyone’s business, of course, but never gossiped.
“He’s coming around,” Doctor Perkins said. He put a soft hand on Darlene’s shoulder and smiled down at her. He shot me a quick wink. Darlene made another choked-goose sound then hiccupped.
“We’ll get him through this crisis, Darlene,” Perkins said. “But longer term, we can’t keep going this way. I’ve talked to Ed and he’s saying the right things. I’ll take that as progress. Usually, all he does is crack jokes. I think this episode scared him. That could be a good thing.”
“Can I see him?” Darlene asked.
“In a little while. He’s sleeping right now and that’s the best thing for him. I’ve got him on IV fluids. We’ll get those electrolytes under control. He’ll feel a lot better in a few hours. But how about you? You don’t look so good yourself.”
Darlene waved him off. “You flatterer, you.”
“I’ll make sure she gets home,” I said. “As long as you think Ed’s stable enough so that we won’t run into any surprises tonight.”
Perkins shook his head. “Nah. He’s snoring to wake the dead. We’ll get him moved to a regular room. Things will look brighter tomorrow. We can go over some aftercare options. There’s a clinic in Corpus Christi that I want him to think seriously about. Get him dried out and thinking clearer. When I mentioned it, he seemed interested.”
“It’s a plan,” I said. “Thank you.”
Doctor Perkins winked at me again and squeezed Darlene’s shoulder. “I meant what I said, Darlene. Get home. Get some rest. We’ll pull Ed through this just like always.”
“He’s not getting any younger and neither am I.” She sighed.
“Yeah. Me neither. But let’s not try to solve the world’s problems all at once, okay? One thing at a time. Sleep for you. Sleep for Ed. Then we’ll talk.”
I stood up and shook Doctor Perkins’s hand. Another nurse called him away and he gave Darlene a quick hug before leaving us alone. I gathered her purse and stood tapping my foot.
“Come on,” I said. “I’ll walk you to your car. I’m not letting you sleep in this waiting room tonight. You heard Doctor Perkins. There’s no need. Ed’s in good hands. We’ll come up with a game plan tomorrow.”
With great effort, Darlene got to her feet. She looped her arm through mine and we headed for the parking lot.
“And you didn’t answer my question,” she said. “What about your game plan?”
“What do you mean?” There was no way I’d make it out of here scot-free now. The truth was, I was worried. Yes. We’d been down this road with Ed plenty. But something was different in Darlene’s eyes. I believed her when she said she’d reached the end of her rope.
“Come on,” she said. We’d reached her car. Darlene drove a red Dodge Charger. It was her pride and joy. She parked it in as secluded a spot in the lot as she could. The woman could move fast, as long as she didn’t have to take stairs. “Give me a spot of bright news today, Beth.”
I readjusted the weight of my purse on my shoulder. It had been a long day. I’d spent most of it in the office alone, catching Ed up on all his research and deposition prep. Now all that was up in the air again. My heart sank knowing I’d spend tomorrow trying to rearrange his docket. Again. Our hardcore, loyal clients could be patient. But we’d lose business over Ed’s latest hospital stint. No question.
“What do you want me to say?” I smiled.
Darlene put a hand on my shoulder. “That guy. Deacon. I checked him out.”
“What do you mean, you checked him out?”
She leaned against her car door. “Oh, come on. It wasn’t hard. He’s the club chaplain for the Saints. I have eyes and I can read. I asked around. He’s a mystery man, honey. Kinda like you. Most of those boys over in Port Azrael have a reputation. Or at least they did before they started settling down. But that one, Deacon? He’s single. Doesn’t cut loose like the rest of them. Honey, he’s gorgeous. So, what are you doing?”
My throat went dry. I didn’t want to lie to Darlene, but I was far from ready to discuss my relationship with Deacon. Relationship. I didn’t even know if that’s what I could call it. We left things in limbo. He’d stopped asking me to get out of town, but things were far from settled between us. I didn’t even know for sure if I’d see him again. My heart skipped a beat as I let the thought settle in. What if I never saw him again?
“Oh man,” Darlene said. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you like thi
s.”
“Like what?”
She put two firm hands on my shoulders and gave me a gentle shake. “Starstruck, honey. That man’s got you stirred up and twisted. Oh, I know the feeling. Reminds me of my first husband, Mattie. He was in a club too. Did I ever tell you that?”
I blinked hard, trying to picture a young Darlene on the back of a Harley. From the misting in her eyes, I knew she was picturing the same thing. “He was a road captain for the Great Wolves M.C. out of Emerald Pointe. God. That was a million years ago. We weren’t married long. Not even a year. Oh, but it was a hell of a year.”
“Pictures or it didn’t happen,” I said, trying to keep the subject pointed at her instead of me. She wasn’t letting go, though.
“Honey, I’m the last person to give anyone else advice on men. But that one’s got a hold of you right here.” She pointed her finger straight at my heart.
“Darlene, I just can’t …”
She put up a hand. “Don’t bother. I know you don’t like talking about your personal life. It’s just nice to see you have one. I said I shouldn’t give advice but I’m going to anyway. Live a little. Take some time off. Climb on the back of that hog and let him take you for a ride. Even if he breaks your heart.”
I leaned in and gave her a hug. “Thanks. But I don’t know what’s going on with him or with me.”
“As long as I’m the first to know when you figure it out.”
I gave her a quick salute as Darlene opened her car door and climbed inside. “And don’t come here tomorrow,” she said. “Take the day off. Go to Port Az or up the coast or somewhere that’s not here. I’ll deal with my brother. And all the drama will still be here when you get back. That’s a promise.”
Darlene’s light laughter warmed my heart. She slammed her car door shut and turned the ignition. I stepped back as she roared out of her parking space and took the curve toward the exit way too fast.
I hugged myself and headed up the ramp toward my own car. Deacon’s blue eyes swam before me as I made my way through town. Should I call him? We’d left things so unsettled. I wanted to see him again. That much was clear. Maybe Darlene was right. Maybe it was worth taking a chance even if Deacon broke my heart.
