by Gallie, DL
“Ummm.” He stops midstep, “I, umm, ahhh—”
“Wow, great help there, guys,” I snap out of frustration that no one knows the answer to my completely random question. “I thought you knew everything, Branson,” I retort in a bitchy tone.
“Kase, I don’t think you need to worry about that right now,” Branson says. “It’s time to go.” I stare at him, frozen on the spot.
My head starts shaking from side to side. “I…I can’t do this,” I whine, “How do I say good bye to my fiancé and ba—” I cut myself off; I don’t want to share this news with anyone just yet. “Branson, please don’t make me do this. Please tell me this is a horrible dream, and I’m going to wake up, and when I walk downstairs I’ll find Kody playing that dumb fucking game on his phone.” I pause, looking up at him with tears pouring down my cheeks. I plead, “Please tell me this isn’t real. Please, Branson. Please.” Falling to my knees, I break down…for the millionth time in the last seven days. My body shudders as grief overtakes me. My sobs and cries mix into a horrendous howl.
Branson races over to me and wraps his arms around me. “Shhhh, it's going to me all right, Kase. We will get through this together,” he whispers, running his hand soothingly up and down my back.
“I miss him sooo much, Branson,” I blubber. “And now, I don’t know what to do. I can’t say goodbye because then it all becomes real.”
“Kace, you will get through this. You are the strongest person I know.”
Staring at him though my tears, I sadly smile at him, calling bullshit on what he just said. As I stare at him, I realize I’ll now need him more than ever. Branson is my rock, my crying partner, my everything. Out of everyone, he feels the loss of Kody just as much as I do, but in a different way. He lost his brother, best friend, and business partner. In the last few days, I’ve found myself leaning on him in a way I didn’t think possible. However, with what I’m currently hiding in my pocket, and with his niece or nephew growing in my belly—over the next nine months—I’m going to need him more than I have ever needed anyone before.
Chapter Three
Once I’ve composed myself, Branson and Stacey escort me down the hall. Entering the living room, I stop as I take in everyone who is here. Kody and Branson’s parents, Randall and Helen Holmes are on the couch. My parents, Trudy and Steve Wellson are sitting at the dining table, and Gage and Marlee from work are by the fireplace.
They all look up and sadly smile at me. I hate sad smiles. I hate everything at the moment. As I walk farther in to the room, the air around me fills with sadness, grief, and unhappiness. My eyes lock on Mom’s and once again they fill with tears. Her mom instinct kicks in and she quickly walks over to me, wrapping her arms around me tightly; just like she did when I was little and upset. Dad joins us and the three of us hug in the middle of the room, my wails becoming louder and louder. “Ohh, baby,” Mom says, as she grips my cheeks and sadly smiles at me.
“I’m okay, Mom. Well, I think I am. Actually, I have no fucking clue how I feel right at this moment.” She raises her eyes at me about my language. “Sorry, Mom, I won’t swear again.”
“I’ll let it pass, just this once, but don’t make a habit of it.”
With that one sentence, my mouth slightly lifts into a grin. “Remember the first time you met Kody? He was so nervous that every second word out of his mouth was a cuss.”
“He did not?” Helen asks, her voice laced with shock.
Nodding my head, I laugh as Mom sits next to Helen. “He sure did,” Mom says.
Shaking my head, I remember the day clearly…
…“What if they hate me?” Kody asks as we drive over to my parents’ house for dinner.
“Babe, they will love you. Just like I do.”
“Say it again.”
“I love you, Kody Holmes, with all my heart and soul.”
“I love you too, Kasey Wellson.”
Pulling my car into the driveway of my childhood home, I smile. The house looks just the same as it did when I grew up, just with no toys scattered across the front lawn, or bike leaning against the house. Dad’s rose garden at the front is still blooming; it’s his pride and joy.
“Wow, your mom has as amazing rose garden,” Kody says as I turn off the car and we climb out.
“Actually, it's Dad’s baby.”
“No fucking way?” he says, as he laces his fingers with mine and we walk up the path.
“Yes, way,” Mom says, her tone not impressed.
“Fuck,” Kody mumbles, loud enough for Mom to hear. “Shit, fuck, umm, ahhh, Mrs. Wellson. I’m Kody Holmes.” He drops my hand and outstretches his hand to Mom.
“Call me, Trudy,” she says, taking his hand in hers and shaking.
“Pumpkin,” Dad says from the front steps.
“Daddy,” I reply, stepping toward him. He envelops me in a hug and whispers, “He’s off to a colorful start.” I giggle into his shoulder and tug him toward Kody.
“Dad, this is Kody. Kody, this is my dad, Steve.”
“Mr. Wellson, it’s lovely to meet you.”
“Steve,” Dad sternly says, outstretching his hand to Kody. They shake and Kody nods.
“Steve, you have a fucking beautiful garden.” He pauses and his eyes bug open, Mom’s mouth drops in shock. “Fuck!” he loudly mumbles. Dad and I laugh. “Oh My God, Mrs. Kasey, I mean Mrs. Wellson, shit, Trudy, I’m so fucking sorry. I don’t fucking know, shit, what the hell has come over me.”
Dad and I are now laughing our asses off. Mom isn’t impressed, and Kody is mortified. It will go down as the best parent introduction ever.
After my trip down memory lane, I giggle and add, “The next time I spoke to Mom, she told me a man who swears like that would never be good enough for me. Kody proved her wrong. He never swore in front of her again, and he proved that he…” I swallow the lump in my throat, “he was the best man ever.”
The room goes quiet as we all silently reminisce and remember Kody. My happy memories are interrupted when I hear two fateful words. “It’s time,” Branson says, as he steps over to me. Staring blankly at him, I nod my head and take a deep breath. My body goes into autopilot and I follow everyone out to the cars.
Before I know it, we arrive at the funeral home. We all climb out of the cars and silently walk inside. The room goes silent when I enter, I somberly walk between the pews toward the front, my grip on Branson’s arm getting tighter and tighter with each step I take. My eyes are locked on the casket at the front; it's adorned with his Red Sox and Blackhawks jerseys, and a beautiful floral arrangement. Kody would love this, I think to myself as I take my seat in the front row.
The funeral passes me by in a blur; the only thing I really remember is when Branson left my side to give the eulogy. When he stepped away from me, I felt lost and abandoned, even though I was in a room with hundreds of other people. Without him by my side, I felt alone and bereft. My mind started to drift into the darkness…until I heard him speak. His voice drew me back into the present and as I listened to him talk about Kody, a sense of calm and peace washed over me. This feeling has been absent since I received that call.
“Kody was my big brother. My business partner and my best friend. I don’t know how I will go on without seeing his stupid face every day. He was the best person I know, and the world will be empty without him in it.
There were many wonderful aspects to Kody’s life, and he touched our lives in a way like no other. He will be remembered as a wonderful brother, a great friend, a generous person, and a loving fiancé to Kasey. Kasey brought him to life when they met, and I don’t think I’d ever seen him as happy as he was with her. He died a happy man and it was all due to her.
“Kody made our lives richer and fuller. Now that he has passed away, of course there is emptiness, pain, and confusion, and maybe even anger at death coming to a man of only thirty-three. However, in many ways, the gift of his life is still here with us, especially in our hearts. He lives on in our memorie
s and stories. I encourage you to share—today, tomorrow, and in the years to come—your memories and stories. In this way we will keep the gift of Kody’s life alive.
“On behalf of Mom, Dad, Kasey, and me, I’d like to thank you all for coming here today. Please join us at Bin 501 to celebrate the life of my brother, Kody Randall Holmes.”
Next thing I know, I’m sitting in Bin 501. Everyone around me is reminiscing about Kody and how wonderful he was. Was, I fucking hate that word right now. A glass of wine is placed in my hand. Lifting it to my lips, I take a sip and then I remember. Quickly, I stand up, slamming the glass down on the table and race outside.
Leaning against the brick building, I close eyes and look to the sky. “Why Kody, why? Why did you leave me?” I ask the universe.
“Kase, are you okay?” Gage asks me, his face etched with worry. It's nice to see worry and not sympathy staring back at me.
“Gage, I…” I don’t finish my sentence; I burst into tears once again. Gage steps toward me and wraps his arms around my waist. Burrowing my head into his shoulder, I let it all out. I let out everything I withheld during the funeral, I didn’t want to be the ‘the fiancé who fell apart at the funeral.’ Opening my eyes, I see Marlee beside us and my eyes gravitate to her hand resting lovingly on Gage and my knees buckle. Falling to the pavement, I completely shatter. The grief and emotion of the day catch up to me, and I disintegrate into a sobbing mess as Gage drops down next to me and rubs my back.
Suddenly I’m pulled into someone’s arms and I know I’m now in Branson’s embrace. He holds me tight and whispers, “Shhhh, let it all out. I’ve got you.”
His words cause me to fall apart further. These are the exact words Kody whispered to me on the day I got my last period, when I broke down in our en suite at seeing my underwear tinged pink. Then it hits me again: I’m pregnant and I just buried my fiancé and baby daddy. “Branson, I can’t do this. I can’t do this alone.”
He pulls back from me, grips my shoulders and says, “Kase, I’m here. You will get through this. Once the grief passes, life will go on. Kody would want you to live life to the fullest. Now you need to live for two.”
“Three,” I whisper.
“Huh?” he questions me.
“I’m pregnant, Branson.”
Chapter Four
“You’re pregnant?” he repeats, his voice laced with shock.
Nodding my head, I confirm, “Yep, inside my belly right now is your niece or nephew. One last parting gift from Kody.” Looking up at Branson, I cry, “How can I have a baby alone? How will I do this when I can barely get out of bed now? How am I going to survive? I can’t do this without him. I just can’t.” Tears cascade down my cheeks. My chest heaves as the grief and emotions of the day and my morning discovery catch up to me.
Falling into Branson’s chest, I let it all out. He once again holds me tight. “Shhhh, let it all out. I’ve got you.” His embrace is comforting and just what I need.
The last tear has fallen, and I’m completely wiped out, I look up at Branson and smile, “Thank you, Branson. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
“You’ll never find out.”
“I’ll hold you to that.”
“Kase, I will be here every step of the way. My niece or nephew is going to be loved doubly from me, and they will know how awesome and amazing their daddy was.”
This causes me to tear up again. “Branson, I’m going to be a single mom. I won’t have Kody to watch and learn from. What if I’m shit at it?”
“Kasey, you’ll be fine. You are strong and resilient. You will rock as a mom.” He pauses. “You’ve got this, and me too. I’ll be here every step of the way.”
“I can’t ask you to do that. You have a life. A business.”
“I can multi-task.” That causes me to laugh. “Okay, we both know I can’t, but I can learn. I’m here no matter what, Kase. Kody would kick my ass if I left you to do this by yourself.”
“Yeah, I’d like to see that. He wouldn’t hurt a fly, let alone you.”
“That’s true. He had a heart of gold. Man, I’m going to miss him.”
“You and me both.” Taking a deep breath, I swallow deeply, before I reach out and squeeze his hand. “Thank you, Branson. Thank you for everything now and in the future.”
“Happy to help. Now let’s get back inside and celebrate your good news.”
Shaking my head, I shout, “No! Not yet. I don’t want to tell anyone until it's safe. I can’t handle any more sympathy.”
“Fair enough, let’s go back in and celebrate Kody and share embarrassing stories about him.”
With a smile I nod. “I’d like that.”
Linking my arm through Branson’s, we head back inside. As soon as I step in, Mom races over to me. “You okay, baby?”
Nodding, I sadly smile. “Yeah, I’m okay, Mom. It's just tough, but Branson made me realize Kody wouldn’t want me to dwell on his passing. He’d want me to be happy and that’s what I’m going to do…” Turning to face the room, I shout, “Can I have your attention please?” The room goes quiet and all eyes are on me. “First of all, I want to thank everyone for coming today. Kody would be amazed with the turn out. H—”
“Who knew he had so many friends?” someone in the back shouts, garnering a laugh from everyone.
“He will be missed by many but he will live on in all of us.” My eyes drop to my belly and I smile, knowing that a part of him is still here with me. A part of him is growing inside of me. “The time for mourning has passed, it's time to live and celebrate Kody. He and Branson opened this bar together, his legacy will live on here…and in many other ways. Kody,” I tear up and swallow deeply, “Kody, I love you with all my heart and soul. I’ll miss you every day for the rest…” I pause and swallow the emotion building, when from behind me, a hand squeezes my shoulder, Branson whispers, “You’ve got this.”
Looking back over my shoulder, I smile. Taking a deep breath, I continue, “Every day I will miss you. I’ll try to move on and be happy but when you were taken, a part of me was too. I’ll never be the same, but I will do my best to live for the both of us.”
“Here, here!” Randall shouts. Everyone cheers and salutes Kody. Randall walks over to me and takes my hand in his; he squeezes it tightly and stares at me. “Kody loved you just as much as I love Helen. You will always be part of this family, even if it’s not official.”
“Thanks, Mr. H.” Wrapping my arms around him, I give him a hug. “I’d really like that.” It’s on the tip of my tongue to tell him I’m pregnant, but I don’t want to tell anyone, in case I lose it. Helen walks over and pulls me from his grasp, when we hug, it’s a mommy hug and I begin to cry again. “I miss him too,” she whispers. “No parent should bury their child, I just can’t believe he’s gone.”
“You and me both,” I say as I pull back, “I keep hoping it’s a terrible nightmare and that I’ll wake up and see him smiling back at me. Or hear him singing off-key in another room.”
“Ohh, he was a horrible singer,” she laughs.
“The worst,” I giggle.
Glancing around the bar, I see how many people loved Kody. The atmosphere is a mixture of sadness and laughter, as everyone remembers their time with Kody. Resting my hand on my belly, I smile. I know that Peanut and I will have the love and support of our friends, his and my family, and everything will be okay. My eyes gravitate toward Branson chatting with Gage and Marlee; I find myself smiling, genuinely smiling. He must sense my gaze upon him because he looks over to me and grins back. Branson is my rock, my everything at the moment, and I’m lucky to have him by my side and in our life.
As I stand here talking with his mom and dad, I know Peanut and I will be just fine.
Chapter Five
…June 26th, 2019
“You are glowing,” Branson says, as he places the grocery bag on the counter. Hopping up from the sofa, I walk over and take a seat at the breakfast bar, and he hands me the jar o
f salsa and another bag of snow peas. Thirty minutes ago I called him in a fluster that I had run out and I was in dire need of them. He made a special trip to Jewell-Osco, at 10:00 p.m. to grab them for me and drop them over. Spicy salsa and snow peas are my life. I eat them for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and snack on them in between. Never can I get enough.
Staring blankly at him, I open the salsa, dip in a snow pea and shove it into my mouth. “Pfft. You tell lies. I’m fat and bloated and…”
“No, you are pregnant, and your bump is beautiful.” He pauses and then adds, “Just like you.” He smiles at me; my insides flutter at his compliment and my heart rate accelerates. His comment and my reaction are really confusing me. I sit here, stuffing my face, and I watch him. I watch as he unpacks the bag, which has extra salsa and snow peas in it. This gesture warms my heart, leaving me feeling warm and fuzzy. Branson has gone above and beyond uncle duty since the funeral and finding out I was expecting. He’s there when I have an emotional breakdown. He’s been with me for each OB visit.
He’s always here for me.
Always.
With this I realize how much I have taken over this life. This causes the guilt to set in; his life at the moment revolves around me and the baby. My eyes well with tears at this realization, and if Kody was still alive, he’d be doing all of this for me. Branson would be out living his life, instead he’s here with an emotional, hormonal, pregnant me.
“Kase, what’s wrong?” he asks, his voice laced with concern. His face etched with fear.
“Nothing…I, just…I really miss Kody,” I sob, “If he were still here, he would have been the one to make this emergency trip. Instead, I’ve taken over your life with my demands and emotions and everything. I’m such a bad person.” Tears are now cascading down my cheeks.
Through my sobs, I stuff another snow pea into my mouth and on the next whimper, the snow pea goes down the wrong way and I begin to choke. My eyes bug wide open. My cheeks turn red, it's getting harder and harder to breath.
