by Cher Etan
“No, no, no, not this time. This time you're fucking me, Meaghan. I want; I want you to fuck me. I’ve been taking the lead long enough, showing you the ropes. It’s your turn now Megs. Show me a good time.”
And, Christ, Dean didn't fight fair. Not that Meaghan exactly expected him to.
The way they were together on Dean's luxurious bed made the time between now and before seem inconsequential. It was all haze and dream shift, nothing noteworthy going on between here and there, despite the misunderstandings and the insulting texts, the drunkenness and uncertainty; not to mention the blood and gore and death Meaghan experienced just yesterday in a way that was too immediate not to scar her psyche; and she really needed to not be thinking about blood and gore when she was working her fingers steadily up and down Dean’s penis while licking at his balls with her tongue and thinking about maybe putting a finger up his ass to see if that prostate thing was true.
It all blew straight out of her mind like so many dried autumn leaves when Dean reached down and slid his own long slender middle finger into her again mimicking the rhythm of her hands on him while making the dirtiest pleased noise Meaghan had ever heard in her life. She cursed at Dean and Dean groaned a laugh back at her.
“Taking too long,” Dean ground out as he intensified his burrowing into her. There was a bit of pain mixed in with the pleasure at the force of it.
Meaghan wasn't arguing that. If the bastard wanted it so bad, Meaghan was going to give it to him. Meaghan meant this to be slow torture for Dean; just lay him out and take her time bringing him to a slow boil; but already Dean was shaking with it, hips shifting and a fine sheen of sweat breaking over the flush of his skin and Meaghan could feel that familiar force gathering from her center wanting to explode like a nuclear device and spread its noxious clouds all over her body; and she was already there, already in position before she thought it all the way through. Dean was moving into it, hips rising and Meaghan was done thinking about what should and shouldn't be by then, if she'd ever really paid it any serious mind.
There were things about this that hit harder than Meaghan expected. It wasn't the fact that he had heat running like a team of wild horses through her blood, or that she had a strangely known desperation bubbling under the rising pleasure. Those things were all about her... It was more got to do with how Dean searched out her eyes and kept coming back to her mouth, craning his neck up to be kissed over and over, shallow but sincere. It was breaking and mending things in Meaghan, all that need and desperation. He’d ceded all control to her, she was in charge of how fast or how slow they moved. She found that she wanted to grind down and swallow him into her, his penis never to be seen again. The heat was already spreading throughout her, weakening her, liquefying her limbs and blurring her vision so she couldn't coordinate her body anymore. Dean surged upward, lifting her clean off the bed as he strained into her and then dropped them both down onto the bed. He gripped her hip bones, so tight she knew there’d be bruises in the morning, better there than her arms or her neck she figured – no need to explain them at work – and lifted her up only to drop her hard onto him again. She definitely felt that one deep inside and it made her want more and more but her body couldn't take it and she was shuddering and shaking as her orgasm was shaking her, causing tremors to roil uncontrollably through her like an earthquake. The sounds Dean was making would be embarrassing at any other time but right now they just made the tremors worse. Her body arched as the feeling exploded through her, eyes wide and vision going white. Dean collapsed beneath her as his orgasm runs its course but hers seemed to go on and on, reignited by the slightest friction. Meaghan thought there was a possibility she might black out, maybe die…
She came to sometime later to find herself tucked cozily into Dean’s blankets. She was naked under the quilt and every part of her ached like she’d done Zumba for five hours straight. She sat up in bed wondering where Dean got to and did she just black out from having sex and was that normal or did she need a check up? Maybe she’s anemic?
Dean walked into the room in navy blue boxer looking like every girl’s dream of a guy in boxers and Meaghan couldn't help smiling.
“Hey sexy,” she said. Her voice was very hoarse; was she screaming? She couldn't remember screaming.
“Hey yourself,” he said depositing the tray he was carrying on her lap. Meaghan watched him as he carefully positioned the stand so that it sat true. “Hungry?” he asked softly.
“I could eat,” she shrugged.
Dean laughed softly and looked up to meet her eyes. They stared at each other intently.
“We need to talk,” Meaghan said eventually.
“Yeah, we do,” Dean agreed. His skin was flushed. It could be due to the lovemaking…if such a tame word could be used for what they did…but Meaghan didn't think it was. He was nervous.
“About feelings and shit,” she continued like there’d been no break in her conversation.
“I know,” he replied still arranging her tray to his satisfaction.
“And probably have the ‘where is this going’ talk, maybe even ‘appropriate invectives to use while mad at each other’ talk,” Meaghan continued.
Dean laughed out loud. “I know,” he repeated, “and I apologize. Those names were uncalled for and an inappropriate way to treat a lady especially one who is also my girlfriend.”
“Oh, I get the ‘gosh darn that sex was good so I’m happy now apology’. Great.” Meaghan said mockingly. Dean had the grace to look abashed.
“Meaghan-” he began.
“No it's okay. I get it. Or rather Daniel explained it to me,” Meaghan interrupted.
“What did he explain?” Dean wanted to know.
“Oh he explained how jealousy, insecurity and caring come together in a guy and manifest as assholery,” she said.
“That’s…vivid,” Dean said.
“But true though,” Meaghan clarified.
“Well considering my behavior the last couple of days, I can’t exactly refute that. I did mean the apology though and not because of the mind blowing sex. Well…not only because of the mind blowing sex.”
Meaghan laughed wryly, “Well at least you’re honest.”
Dean picked her hand up and kissed her reverently. “Do you forgive me?” he asked hand held in both of his.
“Of course I do. I’m an angel like that,” she said.
“Thank you,” Dean said seriously responding to her words, and not her tone. He took a deep breath and looked up at her, smiling.
“So, Megs, you said we need to talk,” Dean said.
“I did indeed,” Meaghan replied.
“So bring it Megs. Let’s talk,” Dean said handing her the cup of coffee he’d made.
Meaghan took it and sipped and then put the cup down, lifting her head to look Dean squarely in the eye. “Let’s talk,” she repeated.
Chapter 5
“First of all, how are you?” Meaghan asked as she sipped her coffee and ate her cookies.
“Me?” Dean asked in surprise. “I’m great.”
“Oh really? You don’t look so hot”
“Chee thanks,” Dean grinned wryly.
“You know what I mean.”
“I know what you mean. And I’m great. I wasn’t. Three hours ago I was a wreck who was contemplating doing something stupid in retaliation for something I wasn’t even sure was happening. But now I’m great.”
“Why? What’s changed?”
“You’re here.”
“And that’s all it takes? To turn things around, my presence?” Meaghan asked. Her tone was flat yet curious; displaying no other emotion but that.
“Not really. I don’t know how to explain,” Dean sounded hesitant. “It’s not that you’re physically here. It’s that you’re here here.”
Meaghan thought about that statement. “You mean like you feel like I’m with you body and soul?”
“Exactly”
“And you didn’t feel that before or�
�?”
“I did but then this whole fiasco happened and you seemed to be pulling away from me.”
“I had my first crisis situation. It was gruesome,” Meaghan protested.
“And I wanted to share that with you. That’s why I came to the hospital,” Dean shot back.
Meaghan stared incredulously at him. “Really? Why didn’t you say?”
“BECAUSE I HAVEN’T SEEN YOU SINCE!” Dean shouted and then stepped back like he didn’t know where that had come from.
Meaghan stared at him in shock. “Okay,” she said slowly. “Well anyway…”
Dean inhaled deeply, his flushed face fading to pale as he tried to calm down. “Well anyway, bygones right?”
“Yeah I guess,” Meaghan agreed. “Next item on the agenda; where is this going?”
Dean was quiet not knowing what to say. “Meaghan,” he began in that tone which said she knew he was a snake when she brought him home so why was she wanting to turn him into a teddy bear now?
“I just want to know what you want out of this thing that we’re doing. I’m not trying to propose marriage here or anything,” Meaghan clarified.
“I know that. Are you saying marriage is off the table then?” Dean asked, he just sounded curious, which kind of threw Meaghan.
“I’m saying it would be impractical to talk about marriage when you can’t even introduce me to your father,” Meaghan said.
Dean looked down, not knowing how to respond to that. “Okay, just for the record, I’d have loved to introduce you to my father. To my mother and my friends; have you by my side when we go to the symphony orchestra to be the guest of honor at benefits and soirées… I want you by my side always. And maybe one day we’ll get there. But right now everything is about delicate balance.”
“I know that. And I’m not asking for that to change. I just want to know, where is this going? Where do you want this to go?” Meaghan asked.
“I…think…I love you,” Dean said sounding supremely uncertain.
“And what makes you think that?” Meaghan calmly asked as if she was a psychiatrist and he was on her bench.
Dean grinned at her. “I think the correct response is, ‘I love you too.’”
“You mean, I…think…that I love you too,” Meaghan said as if she was developmentally impaired.
Dean laughed. “I did not sound like that,” he protested.
“Oh? I’m the one who had to listen to you so who’s more reliable as a narrator?” she asked grinning back at him.
“We digress,” he said.
“Yeah, we do. So are you going to answer my question or do you have some more deflections you’d like to get out of the way?”
“I think I can come up with a few more,” Dean teased.
“Well bully for you. I’ll just eat my cookies while you work through your issues. When you’re through, you can let me know by answering my question.”
Dean sighed. “I know that I…probably love you because the thought that I might lose you these last two days has been making me crazier than a dog in a hubcap factory. I tried to tell myself that my pride was hurt but I couldn’t quite convince myself. And then you came…and everything was better and I knew I was fucked.”
“And you were,” Meaghan grinned.
Dean didn’t respond to her joke. “I’m serious Megs,” he said instead.
Meaghan stopped smiling, “Okay then.”
“So…you ask a lot of questions but I don’t see you giving much of yourself in this conversation. How do you feel about me and where do you want this to go from here?” Dean asked her.
“Hmm, you pose an interesting hypothetical?” Meaghan said.
“Why hypothetical?” Dean asked drawing away from her a little bit because he thought she was playing with him.
“Because whether or not I want something from this relationship – making it happen is not in my hands.”
“You could at least be up front with whatever it is you want…” Dean coaxed.
Meaghan looked pensively at him. “Well when I agreed to go home with you that first time, I rationalized it by saying that you were my teenage crush that I should have had years ago. So it was like wish fulfillment. The relationship I should have had when I was seventeen. I thought that if I slept with you a few times, the shine would wear off and I’d be left with a bitter after taste; sort of like ‘what the hell did I ever see in this guy?’ But then…well, I’m sure you know as well as I do that the shine did not wear off. At least not for me-“
“For me neither,” Dean interrupted making Meaghan smile.
“So anyway er, yeah that didn’t happen the way I envisaged, so I told myself we were just having fun. It wasn’t too serious. Just two people who enjoyed each others’ company, hanging out.”
Dean grimaced slightly at this explanation.
“But…”
“But…” Dean repeated.
“Yeah, so now I just need to re-evaluate, you know. Realistic expectations and all that,” she said.
“Realistic expectations…” Dean repeated.
“Is there an echo in here?” Meaghan asked trying to lighten the mood.
“I want us to work…in the long term I mean,” Dean said.
Meaghan shrugged, “I want us to work too; but I don’t want to be Icarus on this.”
“I don’t want to make you false promises either Meaghan. But I want you to know that I feel committed to us. I feel like…I need you to know that you are important to me. Very.”
“You’re important to me too. Very,” Meaghan repeated.
Dean smiled, “I guess there really is an echo in here.”
“I’m crazy about you if we’re being honest,” Meaghan said making the smile on Dean’s face widen.
Dean reached forward to take her hand in his. Meaghan shook her head. “Okay enough with all the rom com ending dialogue. Let’s move on to name calling norms in civilized society.”
Dean laughed, “Shall we say that it’s not okay to call each other any names?”
“I think that would be wise,” Meaghan agreed.
“I apologize again for my shitty slimy uncouth behavior.”
“All these five dollar words just to say sorry…” Meaghan said airily to dispel any remaining tension.
Dean reached into his pocket and extracted an actual five dollar bill passing it to her.
“What’s this for?” she asked.
“I figured actions speak louder than words.”
Meaghan barked a laugh but removed her purse from her bag anyway and made a show of keeping the five dollar bill in it. “Apology accepted,” she said with satisfaction.
Dean smiled at her expression. “Look at that self-satisfied smile, who wouldn’t fall for that?”
Meaghan shot him a glance and a smile but said nothing, just returned her purse to her bag.
“So I should get home. My mother hasn’t seen me all week and my new fake boyfriend offered me a new job that I need to go research.”
“What? Really? He was offering you a job? Why?” Dean perked up immediately looking wary.
“He grew up in Queens and he has a foundation which assists inner city youths in various ways. I expressed interest in it and he offered me paid employment so that would enable me to free up some time by quitting my locum and working for the foundation instead. It’s a dream job for me to be honest.”
“And he just happened to have it ready and waiting for you,” Dean said strongly sarcastic.
“No. We talked about stuff and giving back to the community and he happened to mention that he has this project that he does.”
“Y’all looked really cozy and all,” Dean said the light of jealousy brightening in his eyes.
Meaghan sighed. “So we’re back to snarky and jealous?”
Dean shrugged. “Well I’m sorry if I feel a little jealous that my girl is having coffee with random hot doctors in her favorite restaurant when she’s never told me about these hopes and dreams that s
he has.”
“So you’re saying that having heart to hearts would be something you’d be interested in?” Meaghan asked unable to keep the amusement out of her voice.
Dean shrugged in contrived nonchalance. “That’s what people in relationships do right?”
“I don’t know. You’re the one who was in a relationship for like fifteen years. You tell me,” she said.
“You making fun of me?” Dean asked.
“Absolutely not,” Meaghan said hand on heart. “I just…I don’t know how to behave when you get all serious and shit.”
“Why not? How long have we known each other Meaghan?” Dean asked looking intently at her.
Meaghan shrugged. “Years,” she said grinning.
Dean grinned back at her. “You know me right? I mean you know who I am right?”
“And you know who I am,” Meaghan countered.
Dean shrugged. “I know who you were,” he said thoughtfully. “Since we started sleeping together though…you’re not as open as you used to be.”
“I’m still the same basic person. Maybe a little more cautious but…” Meaghan protested.
“More cautious with me?” Dean clarified. “Why is that? Do you think I’m going to hurt you?”
Meaghan was silent for a while, staring down at Dean’s duvet. “I know you will,” she said quietly. “You might not want to; but you will. Because family always comes first. I know that about you at least. And I am not your family.”
Dean opened his mouth to say something to that, protest maybe, but found that he had no counter-argument. Meaghan was right…but she was also wrong – saying so with his mouth though, would not convince her. She was a scientist – she liked empirical evidence that she could test out and touch and verify. Dean realized he hadn’t really done anything to make Meaghan feel like she was just as important to him as anyone else in his life. Not really; he’d let his mother and Samantha manipulate him into a situation where the rest of the world was under the impression that he and Samantha were still together. His father thought he and Samantha were still together. In fact the only people who knew the true nature of his and Meaghan’s relationship were Smith and his sister. Possibly the rest of his friends were aware that they were sleeping together or seeing each other; but they thought it was basically just one of those things…boys will be boys, sowing wild oats, whatever cliché it was this week. Meaghan wasn’t a cliché; he’d said so to her. But not to anyone else. He couldn’t really blame her then, if she thought that she really was just his flavor of the week or month.
