XXXIX.
FROM A. TO Z.
"A naked human heart."--YOUNG.
"My Beloved Child:
"So may I call you in this the final hour of our separation, but neveragain, dear one, never again. When I said to you, just twenty-four hoursago, that my sin was buried and my future was clear, I spake as menspeak who forget the justice of God and dream only of his mercy. Anhour's time convinced me that an evil deed once perpetrated by a man, isnever buried so that its ghost will not rise. Do as we will, repent aswe may, the shadowy phantom of a stained and unrighteous youth is neverlaid; nor is a man justified in believing it so, till death has closedhis eyes, and fame written its epitaph upon his tomb.
"Paula, I am at this hour wandering in search of the being who holds thesecret of my life and who will to-morrow blazon it before all the world.It is with no hope I seek him. God has not brought me to this pass, torelease me at last, from shame and disgrace. Suffering and the loss ofall my sad heart cherished, wait at my gates. Only one boon remains, andthat is, your sympathy and the consolation of your regard. These, thoughbestowed as friends bestow them, are very precious to me; I cannot seethem go, and that they may not, I tell you the full story of my life.
"My youth was happy--my early youth, I mean. Bertram's father was a dearbrother to me, and my mother a watchful guardian and a tender friend. Atfifteen, I entered a bank, the small bank in Grotewell, which you oughtto remember. From the lowest position in it, I gradually worked my wayup till I occupied the cashier's place; and was just congratulatingmyself upon my prospects, when Ona Delafield returned fromboarding-school, a young lady.
"Paula, there is a fascination, which some men who have known nothingdeeper and higher, call love. I, who in those days had cherished but fewthoughts beyond the ordinary reach of a narrow and somewhat selfishbusiness mind, imagined that the well-spring of all romance had bubbledup within me, when my eyes first fell upon this regal blonde, with hersleepy, inscrutable eyes and bewildering smile. Ulysses within sound ofthe siren's voice, was nothing to it. He had been warned of his dangerand had only his own curiosity to combat, while I was not even aware ofmy peril, and floated within reach of this woman's power, without makingan effort to escape. She was so subtle in her influence, Paula; socareless in the very exercise of her sovereignty. She never seemed tocommand; yet men and women obeyed her. Peculiarities which mar thematron, are often graces in a young, unmarried girl, whose thoughts area mystery, and whose emotions an untried field. I believed I had foundthe queen of all beauty and when in an unguarded hour she betrayed herfirst appreciation of my devotion, I seemed to burst into a Paradise ofdelights, where every step I took, only the more intoxicated andbewildered me. My first realization of the sensuous and earthlycharacter of my happiness came with the glimpse of your child-face onthat never-to-be-forgotten day when we met beside the river. Like a starseen above the glare of a conflagration, the pure spirit that informedyour glance, flashed on my burning soul, and for a moment I knew that inyou budded the kind of woman-nature which it befitted a man to seek;that in the hands of such a one as you would make, should he trust hishonor and bequeath his happiness. But when did a lover ever break thebonds that imprisoned his fancy, at the inspiration of a passing voice.I went back to Ona and forgot the child by the river.
"Paula, I have no time to utter regrets. This is a hard plain tale whichI have to relate; but if you love me still--if, as I have sometimesimagined, you have always loved me--think what my life had been if I hadheeded the warning which God vouchsafed me on that day, and contrast itwith what it is, and what it must be.
"I went back to Ona, then, and the hold which she had upon me from thefirst, took form and shape. As well as she could love any one, she lovedme, and though she had offers from one or two more advantageous sources,she finally decided that she would risk the future and accept me, if herfather consented to the alliance. You who are the niece of the man ofwhom I must now speak, may or may not know what that meant. I doubt ifyou do; he left Grotewell while you were a child, and any gossipconcerning him must ever fall short of the real truth. Enough, then,that it meant, if Jacob Delafield could see in my future any promises ofsuccess sufficient to warrant him in accepting me as his son-in-law, nowoman living ought to hesitate to trust me with her hand. He was theSquire of the town, and as such entitled to respect, but he was alsosomething more, as you will presently discover. His answer to my pleawas:
"'Well, how much money have you to show?'
"Now I had none. My salary as cashier of a small country bank was notlarge, and my brother's prolonged sickness and subsequent death,together with my own somewhat luxurious habits, had utterly exhaustedit. I told him so, but added that I had, somewhere up among the hills,an old maiden aunt who had promised me five thousand dollars at herdeath; and that as she was very ill at that time--hopelessly so, herneighbors thought--in a few weeks I should doubtless be able to satisfyhim with the sight of a sum sufficient to start us in housekeeping, ifno more.
"He nodded at this, but gave me no distinct reply. 'Let us wait,' saidhe.
"But youth is not inclined to wait. I considered my cause as good aswon, and began to make all my preparations accordingly. With a feverishimpatience which is no sign of true love, I watched the days go by, andwaited for, if I did not anticipate, the death which I fondly imaginedwould make all clear. At last it came, and I went again into Mr.Delafield's presence.
"'My aunt has just died,' I announced, and stood waiting for the short,concise,
"'Go ahead, then, my boy!' which I certainly expected.
"Instead of that, he gave me a queer inexplicable smile, and merelysaid, 'I want to see the greenbacks, my lad. No color so good as green,not even the black upon white of 'I promise to pay.'
"I went back to my desk in the bank, chagrined. Ona had told me a fewdays before that she was tired of waiting, that the young doctor fromthe next town was very assiduous in his attentions, and as there was noquestion as to his ability to support a wife, why--she did not finishher sentence, but the toss of her head and her careless tone at parting,were enough to inflame the jealousy of a less easily aroused nature thanmine. I felt that I was in hourly danger of losing her, and all becauseI could not satisfy her father with a sight of the few thousands whichwere so soon to be mine.
"The reading of my aunt's will, which confirmed my hopes, did notgreatly improve matters. 'I want to see the money,' the old gentlemanrepeated; and I was forced to wait the action of the law and thesettlement of the estate. It took longer than even he foresaw. Weekswent by and my poor little five thousand seemed as far from my controlas on the day the will was read. There was some trouble, I was not toldwhat, that made it seem improbable that I should reap the benefit of mylegacy for some time. Meanwhile Ona accepted the attentions of the youngdoctor, and my chances of winning her, dwindled rapidly day by day. Ibecame morbidly eager and insanely jealous. Instead of pursuing myadvantage--for I undoubtedly possessed one in her own secret inclinationtowards me--I stood off, and let my rival work his way into heraffections unhindered. I was too sore to interrupt his play, as I calledit, and too afraid of myself to actually confront him in her presence.But the sight of them riding together one day, was more than I couldendure even in my spirit of unresistance. 'He shall not have her,' Icried, and cast about in my mind how to bring my own matters into suchshape as to satisfy her father and so win her own consent to my suit. Myfirst thought was to borrow the money, but that was impracticable in atown where each man's affairs are known to his neighbor. My next was tohurry up the settlement of the estate by appeal to my lawyer. The resultof the latter course was a letter of many promises, in the midst ofwhich a great temptation assailed me.
"Colonel Japha, of whose history you have heard more or less trueaccounts, was at that time living in the old mansion you took such painsto point out to me in that walk we took together in Grotewell. He hadsuffered a great anguish in the flight and degradation of his onlydaughter, and though the real facts connected with
her departure werenot known in the village, he was so overcome with shame, and soshattered in health, he lived in the utmost seclusion, opening his doorsto but few visitors, among whom I, for some unexplained reason, was one.He used to say he liked me and saw in me the makings of a considerableman; and I, because he was Colonel Japha and a strong spirit, returnedhis appreciation, and spent many of my bitter and unhappy hours in hispresence. It was upon one of these occasions the temptation came towhich I have just alluded.
"I had been talking about his health and the advisability of his takinga journey, when he suddenly rose and said, 'Come with me to my study.'
"I of course went. The first thing I saw upon entering was a trunklocked and strapped. 'I am going to Europe to-morrow,' said he, 'to begone six months.'
"I was astonished, for in that town no one presumed to do anything ofimportance without consulting his neighbors; but I merely bowed mycongratulations, and waited for him to speak, for I saw he had somethingon his mind that he wished to say. At last it came out. He had adaughter, he said, a daughter who had disgraced him and whom he hadforbidden his house. She was not worthy of his consideration, yet hecould not help but remember her, and while he never desired to see herenter his doors, it was not his wish that she should suffer want. He hada little money which he had laid by and which he wished to put into myhands for her use, provided anything should happen to him during hisabsence. 'She is a wanderer now,' he cried, 'but she may one day comeback, and then if I am dead and gone, you may give it to her.' I was notto enter it in the bank under his name, but regard it as a personaltrust to be used only under such circumstances as he mentioned.
"The joy with which I listened to this proposal amounted almost toecstacy when he went to his desk and brought out five one thousanddollar bills and laid them in my hand. 'It is not much,' said he, 'butit will save her from worse degradation if she chooses to avail herselfof it.'
"Not much; oh no, not much, but just the sum that would raise me out ofthe pit of despondency into which I had fallen, and give me my bride, achance in the world, and last, but not least, revenge on the rival I hadnow learned to hate. I was obliged to give the colonel a paperacknowledging the trust, but that was no hindrance. I did not mean touse the money, only to show it; and long before the colonel couldreturn, my own five thousand would be in my hands--and so, and so, andso, as the devil reasons and young infatuated ears listen.
"Colonel Japha thought I was an honest man, nor did I consider myselfotherwise at that time. It was a chance for clever action; a bit ofopportune luck that it would be madness to discard. On the day thevessel sailed which carried Colonel Japha out of the country, I went toMr. Delafield and showed him the five crisp bank notes that representedas it were by proxy, the fortune I so speedily expected to inherit. 'Youhave wanted to see five thousand dollars in my hand,' said I; 'therethey are.'
"His look of amazement was peculiar and ought to have given me warning;but I was blinded by my infatuation and thought it no more than thenatural surprise incident to the occasion. 'I have been made to wait along time for your consent to my suit,' said I; 'may I hope that youwill now give me leave to press my claims upon your daughter?'
"He did not answer at once, but smiled, eying meanwhile the notes in myhand with a fascinated gaze which instinctively warned me to return themto my pocket. But I no sooner made a move indicative of that resolve,than he thrust out his cold slim hand and prevented me. 'Let me seethem,' cried he.
"There was no reason for me to refuse so simple a request to one in Mr.Delafield's position, and though I had rather he had not asked for thenotes, I handed them over. He at once seemed to grow taller. 'So this isyour start off in life,' exclaimed he.
"I bowed, and he let his eyes roam for a moment to my face. 'Many a manwould be glad of worse,' smiled he; then suavely, 'you shall have mydaughter, sir.'
"I must have turned white in my relief, for he threw his head back andlaughed in a low unmusical way that at any other time would haveaffected me unpleasantly. But my only thought then, was to get the moneyback and rush with my new hopes into the room from which came the lowceaseless hum of his daughter's voice. But at the first movement of myhand towards him, he assumed a mysterious air, and closing his fingersover the notes, said:
"'These are yours, to do what you wish with, I suppose?'
"I may have blushed, but if I did, he took no notice. 'What I wish to dowith them,' returned I, 'is to shut them up in the bank for the present,at least till Ona is my wife.'
"'Oh no, no, no, you do not,' came in easy, almost wheedling tones fromthe man before me. 'You want to put them where they will doublethemselves in two months.' And before I could realize to what he wastempting me, he had me down before his desk, showing me letters,documents, etc., of a certain scheme into which if a man should put adollar to-day, it would 'come out three and no mistake, before the yearwas out. It is a chance in a thousand,' said he; 'if I had half amillion I would invest it in this enterprise to-day. If you will listento me and put your money in there, you will be a rich man before tenyears have passed over your head.'
"I was dazzled. I knew enough of such matters to see that it was neithera hoax nor a chimera. He did have a good thing, and if the five thousanddollars had been my own--But I soon came to consider the questionwithout that conditional. He was so specious in his manner of puttingthe affair before me, so masterful in the way he held on to the money,he gave me no time to think. 'Say the word,' cried he, 'and in twomonths I bring you back ten thousand for your five. Only two months,' herepeated, and then slowly, 'Ona was born for luxury.'
"Paula, you cannot realize what that temptation was. To amass wealth hadnever been my ambition before, but now everything seemed to urge it uponme. Dreams of unimagined luxury came to my mind as these words wereuttered. A vision of Ona clad in garments worthy of her beauty floatedbefore my eyes; the humble home I had hitherto pictured for myself,broadened and towered away into a palace; I beheld myself honored andaccepted as the nabob of the town. I caught a glimpse of a new paradise,and hesitated to shut down the gate upon it. 'I will think of it,' saidI, and went into the other room to speak to Ona.
"Ah, if some angel had met me on the threshold! If my mother's spirit orthe thought of your dear face could have risen before me then andstopped me! Dizzy, intoxicated with love and ambition, I crossed theroom to where she sat reeling off a skein of blue silk with hands thatwere whiter than alabaster. Kneeling down by her side, I caught thosefair hands in mine.
"'Ona,' I cried, 'will you marry me? Your father has given his consent,and we shall be very happy.'
"She bestowed upon me a little pout, and half mockingly, half earnestlyinquired, 'What kind of a house are you going to put me in? I cannotlive in a cottage.'
"'I will put you in a palace,' I whispered, 'if you will only say thatyou will be mine.'
"'A palace! Oh, I don't expect palaces; a house like the Japhas' woulddo. Not but what I should feel at home in a palace,' she added, liftingher lordly head and looking beautiful enough to grace a sceptre. Then,archly for her, 'And papa has given his consent?'
"'Yes,' I ardently cried.
"'Then Dr. Burton might as well go,' she answered. 'I will trust myfather's judgment, and take the palace--when it comes.'
"After that, it was impossible to disappoint her.
"Paula, in stating all this, I have purposely confined myself torelating bare facts. You must see us as we were. The glamour which anunreasoning passion casts over even a dishonest act, if performed forthe sake of winning a beautiful woman, is no excuse in my own soul forthe evil to which I succumbed that day, nor shall it seem so to you.Bare, hard, stern, the fact confronts me from the past, that at thefirst call of temptation I fell; and with this blot on my character, youwill have to consider me--unhappy being that I am!
"I did not realize then, however, all that I had done. The operationentered into by Mr. Delafield prospered, and in two months I had, as hepredicted, ten thousand dollars instead of five, in my posses
sion.Besides, I had just married Ona, and for awhile life was a dream ofdelight and luxury. But there came a day when I awoke to an insight ofthe peril I had escaped by a mere chance of the die. The money which Ihad expected from my aunt's will, turned out to be amongst certain fundsthat had been risked in speculation by some agent during her sickness,and irrecoverably lost. The expression of her good-will was all thatever came to me of the legacy upon which I had so confidently relied.
"I was sitting with my young wife in the pretty parlor of our new home,when the letter came from my lawyer announcing this fact, and I nevercan make you understand what effect it had upon me. The very wallsseemed to shrivel up into the dimensions of a prison's cell; the facethat only an hour before had possessed every conceivable charm for me,shone on my changed vision with the allurement, but also with theunreality of a will-o'-the-wisp. All that might have happened if theluck, instead of being in my favor, had turned against me, crushed likea thunderbolt upon my head, and I rose up and left the presence of myyoung wife, with the knowledge at my heart that I was no more nor lessthan a thief in the eyes of God, if not in that of my fellow-men; a basethief, who if he did not meet his fit punishment, was only saved from itby fortuitous circumstances and the ignorance of those he had been sonear despoiling.
"The bitterness of that hour never passed away. The streets in which Ihad been raised, the house which had been the scene of my temptation,Mr. Delafield's face, and my own home, all became unendurable to me. Ifelt as if each man I met must know what I had done; and secret as thetransaction had been, it was long before I could enter the bank withouta tremor of apprehension lest I should hear from some quarter, that myservices there would no longer be required. The only comfort I receivedwas in the thought that Ona did not know at what a cost her hand hadbeen obtained. I was still under the glamour of her languid smiles andcountless graces, and was fain to believe that notwithstanding a certainunresponsiveness and coldness in her nature, her love would yet prove acompensation for the remorse that I secretly suffered.
"My distaste for Grotewell culminated. It was too small for me. Themoney I had acquired through the use of my neighbor's funds burned in mypocket. I determined to move to New York, and with the few thousands Ipossessed, venture upon other speculations. But this time in allhonesty. Yes, I swore it before God and my own soul, that never againwould I run a risk similar to that from which I had just escaped. Iwould profit by the money I had acquired, oh yes, but henceforth all myoperations should be legitimate and honorable. My wife, who was fastdeveloping a taste for ease and splendor, seconded my plans withsomething like fervor, while Mr. Delafield actually went so far as tourge my departure. 'You are bound to make a rich man,' said he 'and mustgo where great fortunes are to be secured.' He never asked me whatbecame of the five thousand dollars I returned to Colonel Japha upon hisarrival from Europe.
"So I came to New York.
"Paula, the man who loses at the outset of a doubtful game, isfortunate. I did not lose, I won. As if in that first dishonest deed ofmine I had summoned to my side the aid of evil influences, each andevery operation into which I entered prospered. It seemed as if I couldnot make a mistake; money flowed towards me from all quarters; powerfollowed, and I found myself one of the most successful and one of themost unhappy men in New York. There are some things of which a mancannot write even to the one dear heart he most cherishes and adores.You have lived in my home, and will acquit me from saying much about herwho, with all her faults and her omissions, was ever kind to you. Butsome things I must repeat in order to make intelligible to you thechange which gradually took place within me as the years advanced.Beauty, while it wins the lover, can never of itself hold the heart of ahusband who possesses aspirations beyond that which passion supplies.Reckless, worldly and narrow-minded as I had been before the commissionof that deed which embittered my life, I had become by the very shockthat followed the realization of my wrong-doing, a hungry-hearted,eager-minded and melancholy-spirited man, asking but one boon inrecompense for my secret remorse, and that was domestic happiness andthe sympathetic affection of wife and children. Woman, according to mybelief, was born to be chiefly and above all, the consoler. What a manmissed in the outside world, he was to find treasured at home. What aman lacked in his own nature, he was to discover in the delicate andsublimated one of his wife. Beautiful dream, which my life was notdestined to see realized!
"The birth of my only child was my first great consolation. With theopening of her blue eyes upon my face, a well-spring deep as myunfathomable longing, bubbled up within my breast. Alas, that veryconsolation brought a hideous grief; the mother did not love her child;and another strand of the regard with which I still endeavored tosurround the wife of my youth, parted and floated away out of sight. Totake my little one in my arms, to feel her delicate cheek pressyearningly to mine, to behold her sweet infantile soul develop itselfbefore my eyes, and yet to realize that that soul would never know theguidance or sympathy of a mother, was to me at once rapture and anguish.I sometimes forgot to follow up a fortunate speculation, in myindulgence of these feelings. I was passionately the father as I mighthave been passionately the husband and the friend. Geraldine died; howand with what attendant circumstances of pain and regret, I will not,dare not state. The blow struck to the core of my being. I stood shakenbefore God. The past, with its one grim remembrance--a remembrance thatin the tide of business successes and the engrossing affection which hadof late absorbed me, had been well-nigh swamped from sight--rose beforeme like an accusing spirit. I had sinned, and I had been punished; I hadsown, and I had reaped.
"More than that, I was sinning still. My very enjoyment of the positionI had so doubtfully acquired, was unworthy of me. My very wealth was adisgrace. Had it not all been built upon another man's means? Could thevery house I lived in be said to be my own, while a Japha existed inwant? In the eyes of the world, perhaps, yes; in my own eyes, no. Ibecame morbid on the subject. I asked myself what I could do to escapethe sense of obligation that overwhelmed me. The few sums with which Ihad been secretly enabled to provide Colonel Japha during the final daysof his ruined and impoverished life, were not sufficient. I desired towipe out the past by some large and munificent return. Had the colonelbeen living, I should have gone to him, told him my tale and offered himthe half of my fortune; but his death cut off all hopes of my rightingmyself in that way. Only his daughter remained, the poor, lost,reprobated being, whom he was willing to curse, but whom he could notbear to believe suffering. I determined that the debt due to my ownpeace of mind should be paid to her. But how? Where was I to find thiswanderer? How was I to let her know that a comfortable living awaitedher if she would only return to her friends and home? Consulting with abusiness associate, he advised me to advertise. I did so, but withoutsuccess. I next resorted to the detectives, but all without avail.Jacqueline Japha was not to be found.
"But I did not relinquish my resolve. Deliberately investing a hundredthousand dollars in Government bonds, I put them aside for her. Theywere to be no longer mine. I gave them to her and to her heirs ascompletely and irrevocably, I believed, as if I had laid them in herhand and seen her depart with them. I even inserted them as a legacy toher in my will. It was a clear and definite arrangement between me andmy own soul; and after I had made it and given orders to my lawyer inGrotewell to acquaint me if he ever received the least news ofJacqueline Japha, I slept in peace.
"Of the years that followed I have small need to speak. They were theyears that preceded your coming, my Paula, and their story is best toldby what I was when we met again, and you made me know the sweet thingsof life by entering into my home. Woman as a thoughtful, tender,elevated being had been so long unknown to me! The beauty of thefeminine soul with its faith fixed upon high ideals, was one beforewhich I had ever been ready to bow. All that I had missed in my youth,all that had failed me in my maturing manhood, seemed to flow back uponme like a river. I bathed in the sunshine of your pure spirit andimagined that the evil days were over and peace
come at last.
"A rude and bitter shock awoke me. Ona's father, who had followed us toNew York, and of whose somewhat checkered career during the past fewyears, I have purposely forborne to speak, had not been above appealingto us for assistance at such times as his frequently unfortunateinvestments left him in a state of necessity. These appeals were usuallymade to Ona, and in a quiet way; but one day he met me on the street--itwas during the second winter you spent in my home--and dragging me intoa restaurant down town, began a long tale, to the effect that he wanteda few thousands from me to put into a certain investment, which ifsomewhat shady in its character, was very promising as to its results;and gave as a reason why he applied to me for the money, that he knew Ihad not been above doing a wrongful act once, in order to compass myends, and therefore would not be liable to hesitate now.
"It was the thunderbolt of my life. My sin was not then buried. It hadbeen known to this man from the start. With an insight for which I hadnever given him credit, he had read my countenance in the days of myearly temptation, and guessed, if he did not know, where the fivethousand dollars came from with which I began my career as speculator.Worse than that, he had led me on to the act by which he now sought tohold me. Having been the secret agent in losing my aunt's money, he knewat the time that I was cherishing empty hopes as regarded a legacy fromher, yet he let me dally with my expectations, and ensnare myself withhis daughter's fascinations, till driven mad by disappointment andlonging, I was ready to resort to any means to gain my purpose. It was afrightful revelation to come to me in days when, if I were not athoroughly honest man, I had at least acquired a deep and ineradicabledread of dishonor. Answering him I know not how, but in a way that whileit repudiated his proposition, unfortunately acknowledged the truth ofthe suppositions upon which it was founded, I left him and went home, acrushed and disheartened man. Life which had been so long in acquiringcheerful hues, was sunk again in darkness; and for days I could not bearthe sight of your innocent face, or the sound of your pure voice, or thetokens of your tender and unsuspecting presence in my home. But soon thevery natural thought came to comfort me, that the sin I so deplored wasas much dead now, as it was before I learned the fact of this man'sknowledge of it. That having repented and put it away, I was as free toaccept your gentle offices and the regard of all true men, as ever I hadbeen; and beguiled by this plausible consideration, I turned again to myone visible source of consolation, and in the diversion it offered, letthe remembrance of this last bitter experience pass slowly from my mind.The fact that Mr. Delafield left town shortly after his interview withme, and smitten by shame perhaps, forbore to acquaint us with hiswhereabouts or afflict us with his letters, may have aided me in thisstrange forgetfulness.
"But other and sharper trials were in store; trials that were to test meas a man, and as it proved, find me lacking just where I thought I wasstrongest. Paula, that saying of the Bible, 'Let him that thinketh hestandeth take heed lest he fall,' might have been written over the doorof my house on that day, ten months ago, when we two stood by thehearthstone and talked of the temptations that beset humanity, and thecharity we should show to such as succumb to them. Before the day hadwaned, my own hour had come; and not all the experience of my life, notall the resolves, hopes, fears of my later years, not even theremembrance of your sweet trust and your natural recoil from evil, weresufficient to save me. The blow came so suddenly! the call for actionwas so peremptory! One moment I stood before the world, rich, powerful,honored, and beloved; the next, I saw myself threatened with a loss thatundermined my whole position, and with it the very consideration thatmade me what I was. But I must explain.
"When I entered the Madison Bank as President, I gave up in deference tothe wishes of Mr. Stuyvesant all open speculation in Wall Street. But awife and home such as I then had, are not to be supported on any pettyincome; and when shortly after your entrance into my home, theopportunity presented itself of investing in a particularly promisingsilver mine out West, I could not resist the temptation; regarding theaffair as legitimate, and the hazard, if such it were, one that I wasamply able to bear. But like most enterprises of the kind, one dollardrew another after it, and I soon found that to make available what Ihad already invested, I was obliged to add to it more and more of myavailable funds, until--to make myself as intelligible to you as Ican--it had absorbed not only all that had remained to me after mysomewhat liberal purchase of the Madison Bank stock, but all I couldraise on a pledge of the stock itself. But there was nothing in this toalarm me. I had a man at the mine devoted to my interests; and as thepresent yield was excellent, and the future of more promise still, Iwent on my way with no special anxiety. But who can trust a silver mine?At the very point where we expected the greatest result, the veinsuddenly gave out, and nothing prevented the stock from falling utterlyflat on the market, but the discretion of my agent, who kept the fact asecret, while he quietly went about getting another portion of the mineinto working order. He was fast succeeding in this, and affairs werelooking daily more promising, when suddenly an intimation received by mein a bit of conversation casually overheard at that reception weattended together, convinced me that the secret was transpiring, andthat if great care were not taken, we should be swamped before we couldget things into working trim again. Filled with this anxiety, I wasabout to leave the building, in order to telegraph to my agent, when tomy great surprise the card of that very person was brought in to me,together with a request for an immediate interview. You remember it,Paula, and how I went out to see him; but what you did not know then,and what I find some difficulty in relating now, is that his message tome was one of total ruin unless I could manage to give into his hand,for immediate use, the sum of a hundred thousand dollars.
"The facts making this demand necessary were not what you may have beenled to expect. They had little or nothing to do with the new operations,which were progressing successfully and with every promise of animmediate return, but arose entirely out of a law-suit then in the handsof a Colorado judge for decision, and which, though it involvedwell-nigh the whole interest of the mine, had never till this hour givenme the least uneasiness, my lawyers having always assured me of myultimate success. But it seems that notwithstanding all this, thedecision was to be rendered in favor of the other party. My agent, whowas a man to be trusted in these matters, averred that five days before,he had learned from most authentic sources what the decision was likelyto be. That the judge's opinion had been seen--he did not tell me how,he dared not, nor did I presume to question, but I have since learnedthat not only had the copyist employed by the judge turned traitor, butthat my own agent had been anything but scrupulous in the use he hadmade of a willing and corruptible instrument--and that if I wanted tosave myself and the others connected with me from total and irremediableloss, I must compromise with the other parties at once, who not beingadvised of the true state of affairs, and having but little faith intheir own case, had long ago expressed their willingness to accept thesum of a hundred thousand dollars as a final settlement of thecontroversy. My agent, if none too nice in his ideas of right and wrong,was, as I have intimated, not the man to make a mistake; and when to myquestion as to how long a time he would give me to look around among myfriends and raise the required sum, he replied, 'Ten hours and no more,'I realized my position, and the urgent necessity for immediate action.
"The remainder of the night is a dream to me. There was but one sourcefrom which I could hope in the present condition of my affairs, toprocure a hundred thousand dollars; and that was from the box where Ihad stowed away the bonds destined for the use of the Japha heirs. Toborrow was impossible, even if I had been in possession of propersecurities to give. I was considered as having relinquished speculationand dared not risk the friendship of Mr. Stuyvesant by a public betrayalof my necessity. The Japha bonds or my own fortune must go, and it onlyremained with me to determine which.
"Paula, nothing but the ingrained principle of a lifetime, the habit ofdoing the honest thing without tho
ught or hesitation, saves a man at anhour like that. Strong as I believed myself to be in the determinationnever again to flaw my manhood by the least action unworthy of myposition as the guardian of trusts, earnest as I was in my recoil fromevil, and sincere as I may have been in my admiration of and desire forthe good, I no sooner saw myself tottering between ruin and a compromisewith conscience, than I hesitated--hesitated with you under my roof, andwith the words we had been speaking still ringing in my ears. Ona'sinfluence, for all the trials of our married life, was still too strongupon me. To think of her as deprived of the splendor which was her life,daunted my very soul. I dared not contemplate a future in which she muststand denuded of everything which made existence dear to her; yet howcould I do the evil thing I contemplated, even to save her and preservemy own position! For--and you must understand this--I regarded anyappropriation of these funds I had delegated to the use of the Japhas,as a fresh and veritable abuse of trust. They were not mine. I had giventhem away. Unknown to any one but my own soul and God, I had deeded themto a special purpose, and to risk them as I now proposed doing, was anact that carried me back to the days of my former delinquency, and madethe repentance of the last few years the merest mockery. What if I mightrecover them hereafter and restore them to their place; the chances infavor of their utter loss were also possible, and honesty deals not withchances. I suffered so, I had a momentary temptation towards suicide;but suddenly, in the midst of the struggle, came the thought thatperhaps in my estimate of Ona I had committed a gross injustice, thatwhile she loved splendor seemingly more than any woman I had ever known,she might be as far from wishing me to retain her in it at the price ofmy own self-respect, as the most honest-hearted wife in the world; andstruck by the hope, I left my agent at a hotel and hurried home throughthe early morning to her side. She Was asleep, of course, but I wakenedher. It was dark and she had a right to be fretful, but when I whisperedin her ear, 'Get up and listen to me, for our fortune is at stake,' sheat once rose and having risen, was her clearest, coldest, mostimplacable self. Paula, I told her my story, my whole story as I havetold it to you here. I dropped no thread, I smoothed over no offence.Torturing as it was to my pride, I laid bare my soul before her, andthen in a burst of appeal such as I hope never to be obliged to make useof again, asked her as she was a woman and a wife, to save me in thishour of my temptation.
"Paula, she refused. More than that, she expressed the bitterest scornof my mawkish conscientiousness, as she called it. That I shouldconsider myself as owing anything to the detestable wretch who was theonly representative of the Japhas, was bad enough, but that I should goon treasuring the money that would save us, was disgraceful if notworse, and betrayed a weakness of mind for which she had never given mecredit.
"'But Ona,' I cried, 'if it is a weakness of mind, it is also anequivalent to my consciousness of right living. Would you have mesacrifice that?'
"'I would have you sacrifice anything necessary to preserve us in ourposition,' said she; and I stood aghast before an unscrupulousnessgreater than any I had hitherto been called upon to face.
"'Ona,' repeated I, for her look was cold, 'do you realize what I havebeen telling you? Most wives would shudder when informed that theirhusbands had perpetrated a dishonest act in order to win them.'
"A thin strange smile heralded her reply. 'Most wives would,' returnedshe, 'but most wives are ignorant. Did you suppose I did not know whatit cost you to marry me? Papa took care I should miss no knowledge thatmight be useful to me.'
"'And you married me knowing what I had done!' exclaimed I, withincredulous dismay.
"'I married you, knowing you were too clever, or believing you to be tooclever, to run such a risk again.'
"I can say no more concerning that hour. With a horror for this womansuch as I had never before experienced for living creature, I rushed outof her presence, loathing the air she breathed, yet resolved to do herbidding. Can you understand a man hating a woman, yet obeying her;despising her, yet yielding? I cannot, _now_, but that day there seemedno alternative. Either I must kill myself or follow her wishes. I choseto do the latter, forgetting that God can kill, and that, too, whom andwhen He pleases.
"Going down to the bank, I procured the bonds from my box in the safe. Ifelt like a thief, and the manner in which it was done was unwittinglysuggestive of crime, but with that and the position in which I havesince found myself placed by this very action, I need not cumber mypresent narrative. Handing the bonds to my agent with orders to sellthem to the best advantage, I took a short walk to quiet my nerves andrealize what I had done, and then went home.
"Paula, had God in his righteous anger seen fit to strike me down thatday, it would have been no more than my due and aroused in me, perhaps,no more than a natural repentence. But when I saw her for whose sake Ihad ostensibly committed this fresh abuse of trust, lying cold and deadbefore me, the sword of the Almighty pierced me to the soul, and I fellprostrate beneath a remorse to which any regret I had hithertoexperienced, was as the playing of a child with shadows. Had I by thelosing of my right arm been able to recall my action, I would have doneit; indeed I made an effort to recover myself; had my agent followed upwith an order to return me the bonds I had given him, but it was toolate, the compromise had already been effected by telegraph and themoney was out of our hands. The deed was done and I had made myselfunworthy of your presence and your smile at the very hour when bothwould have been inestimable to me. You remember those days; remember ourfarewell. Let me believe you do not blame me now for what must haveseemed harsh and unnecessary to you then.
"There is but little more to write, but in that little is compressed thepassion, longing, hope and despair of a lifetime. When I told you as Idid a few hours ago that my sin was dead and its consequences at an end,I repeat that I fully and truly believed it. The hundred thousanddollars I had sent West, had been used to advantage, and only day beforeyesterday I was enabled to sell out my share in the mine, for a largesum that leaves me free and unembarrassed, to make the fortune of morethan one Japha, should God ever see fit to send them across my pathway.More than that, Mr. Delafield, of whose discretion I had sometimes hadmy fears, was dead, having perished of a fever some months before in SanFrancisco; and of all men living, there were none as I believed, whoknew anything to the discredit of my name. I was clear, or so I thought,in fortune and in fame; and being so, dreamed of taking to my empty andyearning arms, the loveliest and the purest of mortal women. But Godwatched over you and prevented an act whose consequences might have beenso cruel. In an hour, Paula, in an hour, I had learned that the foulthing was not dead, that a witness had picked up the words I had allowedto fall in my interview with my father-in-law in the restaurant twoyears before; an unscrupulous witness who had been on my track eversince, and who now in his eagerness for a victim, had by mistake laidhis clutch upon our Bertram. Yes, owing to the similarity of our voicesand the fact that we both make use of a certain tell-tale word, thispatient and upright nephew of mine stands at this moment under thecharge of having acknowledged in the hearing of this person, to thecommittal of an act of dishonesty in the past. A foolish charge you willsay, and one easily refuted. Alas, a fresh act of dishonesty latelyperpetrated in the bank, complicates matters. A theft has been committedon some of Mr. Stuyvesant's effects, and that, too, under circumstancesthat involuntarily arouse suspicion against some one of the bankofficials; and Bertram, if not sustained in his reputation, must sufferfrom the doubts which naturally have arisen in Mr. Stuyvesant's breast.The story which this man could tell, must of course shake the faith ofany one in the reputation of him against whom it is directed, and theman intends to repeat his story, and that, too, in the very ears of himupon whose favor Bertram depends for his life's happiness and thewinning of the woman he adores. I adore you, Paula, but I cannot claspyou to my heart across another sin. If the detectives whom we shall callin to-morrow, cannot exonerate those connected with the bank from thetheft lately committed there--and the fact that you have been allowed tor
ead this letter, prove they have not--I must do what I can to relieveBertram from his painful position, by taking upon myself the onus ofthat past transgression which of right belongs to my account; and thisonce done, let the result be for good or ill, any bond between you andme is cut loose forever. I have not learned to love at this late hour,to wrong the precious thing I cherish. Death as it is to me to saygood-bye to the one last gleam of heavenly light that has shot across mydarkened way, it must be done, dear heart, if only to hold myself worthyof the tender and generous love you have designed to bestow upon me.Bertram, who is all generosity, may guess but does not know, what I amabout to do. Go down to him, dear; tell him that at this very moment,perhaps, I am clearing his name before the wretch who has so ruthlesslyfastened his fang upon him; that his love and Cicely's shall prosper, ashe has been loyal, and she trusting, all these years of effort andprobation; that I give him my blessing, and that if we do not meetagain, I delegate to him the trust of which I so poorly acquittedmyself. But before you go, stop a moment and in this room, which hasalways symbolized to my eyes the poverty which was my rightful due,kneel and pray for my soul; for if God grants me the wish of my heart,he will strike me with sudden death after I have taken upon myself thedisgrace of my past offences. Life without love can be borne, but lifewithout honor never. To come and go amongst my fellow-men with a shadowon the fame they have always believed spotless! Do not ask me to attemptit! Pray for my soul, but pray too, that I may perish in some quick andsudden way before ever your dear eyes rest upon my face again.
"And now, as though this were to be the end, let me take my lastfarewell of you. I have loved you, Paula, loved you with my heart, mymind and my soul. You have been my angel of inspiration and the sourceof all my comfort. I kneel before you in gratitude, and I stand aboveyou in blessing. May every pang I suffer this hour, redound to you insome sweet happiness hereafter. I do not quarrel with my fate, I onlyask God to spare you from its shadow. And He will. Love will flow backupon your young life, and in regions where our eye now fails to pierce,you will taste every joy which your generous heart once thought tobestow on
"EDWARD SYLVESTER."
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