by Ann Bannon
“I would say—judging strictly from your very interesting diary—that you were glad to get rid of Beebo. Maybe you’re just here to ease your conscience, hm? Be sure she hasn’t done anything messy you’d have to blame yourself for?”
Laura had to look away for a minute. The shame was too plain on her face. “That was a stupid thing, that diary,” she mumbled. She started crying softly, helplessly. “Lili, cut out the sarcasm,” she pleaded, knowing it would do no good.
“Why, don’t be silly!” Lili exclaimed, enjoying the scene. “I haven’t an ounce of sarcasm in me. I’m just a reporter giving you the facts.”
“You’re a lousy gossip columnist!” Laura said. “You’re all dirty digs and snide cracks, and about a tenth of what you say is true. Tris Robischon was shy and neurotic. She hated gay bars. She wouldn’t have gone in if she hadn’t been forced. She hated gay people so much that she wouldn’t associate with them.”
“Like hell,” Lili said elegantly. “She lived In the Village, didn’t she? Who do you think her ballet pupils were, anyway?”
“Children! Men! Little girls!”
“And big girls, darling.”
“She never had affairs with them. She might have slept with one or two of the men, but not with the girls. I’m sure of it.”
“Have you talked to Milo about that?”
“No…not about that. But I know Tris!”
“Must be wonderful to be so sure of yourself, pet,” Lili drawled. “The fact is, your little pseudo-Indian slept with dozens of her pupils. She went to the Lezzie bars because Beebo did, and Beebo’s not the first girl she’s done it with. You can check it. Go ask the bartender at the Cellar. Ask the lovelies at the Colophon. At Julian’s. Go on. Scared?”
Laura stood up suddenly and headed for the door. “I’ve had enough, Lili. Thanks. Thanks a lot.” She spoke briefly, afraid of more tears, and grabbed her coat as she went. But Lili got up and ran after her.
“But darling, I want to know where you’ve been all this time!”
“It’s no business of yours.”
“Oh, tell me, Laura. Don’t be difficult,” she said. “Beebo would be interested,” she wheedled.
“Oh, I doubt it. After what you’ve told me. But just for the record, I’ve been living uptown.”
“Where uptown?”
But Laura shook her head.
“Alone?” Lili said.
“No.” Laura didn’t know why she said it. It just seemed easier than arguing. Besides, she didn’t want Lili to think she was friendless and despised everywhere.
“You know, Jack Mann disappeared from the Village the same time you did,” Lili said, her voice vibrant with curiosity.
“Yes.”
“Do you know where he is?”
“I see him now and then.” She slipped her coat on and opened the front door, not bothering to look back at Lili. Her face was streaked with tears and torment and she wanted to go, to get out, to hide somewhere.
“Where are you going, pet? Why in such a hurry?”
“I’m a little sick, Lili, thanks to you. You have that effect on me,” Laura said.
Lili laughed charmingly. “Imagine!” she said. “It’s an even trade, then. Well, just so you don’t go near Beebo, I guess it’s safe to let you loose.”
“I have no intention of going near Beebo,” Laura said coldly, turning to look at her.
“Good,” Lili said. “She’d kill you for sure.”
Laura felt a red fury come up in her and she stepped back into the living room, her face so strange and tense that Lili, for the first time since Laura had come, became rather alarmed.
“Lili, goddamn you to hell, quit telling lies! Quit exaggerating!” Laura cried. “I hurt Beebo, but not that much. I didn’t ruin her life, for God’s sake! Or cripple her or kill her or drive her crazy! And I won’t stand here and be accused of something I didn’t do. Beebo’s no angel, you know. Beebo damn near drove me out of my mind when we lived together. She hurt me more than once—I mean really hurt, and I’ve got scars to prove it. I know she loved me, but that doesn’t make her perfect and me a double-damned bitch. Love affairs have broken up before. The world keeps on spinning!” She spoke fiercely to bolster up her words. For the truth was that Laura remembered only too well the night Beebo had told her she might kill her someday, and then herself.
But she couldn’t let Lili see that, or suspect it, or think that Laura feared it. She hated Lili with all the force of her own fear and uncertainty and resentment at that moment, and her wild hair and hot face actually did scare Lili.
“All right,” Lili said finally, putting her drink down on a dainty Empire drawer table near the door. “All right, Laura Landon, I’ll tell you something.” And Laura saw now that Lili had to defend the things she had said with a good serving of bitter anger: the pièce de résistance. “You think Beebo would welcome you back with loving arms? You think she’d forgive you?”
“I didn’t say that!”
“You think I’ve been kidding about how hard she took it when you broke up? When you left her? Sure you do. You make yourself think it because you don’t want to feel guilty about it. But you listen to this. Listen!” she cried suddenly as Laura made a sudden move to leave.
Lili threw herself against the door, panting with the exaltation of mingled fear and pleasure at hurting Laura. “Remember Nix? Remember that nice little dog you hated so much? Oh, you hated him all right. Beebo didn’t have to tell me, I saw it with my own eyes. Everybody did. You did everything but kick him. And I wouldn’t be surprised if you did even that when nobody was looking. Well, what happened to poor Nix?”
“You know damn well!” Laura flashed, feeling trapped and desperate. “You know as well as I do. Let me out of here, Lili!”
“He died, didn’t he? Rather messily. Let’s say, horribly. Such a nice little dog. You know how he died, Laura?”
“If you’re trying to say I did it—”
“Beebo killed him. Sliced him in half with that big chef’s knife you had in the kitchen table drawer.”
For a horrified second, Laura was silent, paralyzed. She almost fainted. She actually staggered backwards and lost her balance. Lili grabbed her to break the fall and left her lying on the floor, her face buried in the plush carpet, sobbing, wailing with shock and horror. Even Lili, finally, was worried about her. She tried to snap her out of it with sarcasm.
“You could have shown a little concern when it happened,” she said, “instead of saving it all for now. It’s a little late now. Those are crocodile tears, Laura.” But they weren’t, and Lili couldn’t get much conviction into her voice. She bent over Laura and said, “Stop it! Really, Laura! Don’t make a scene. Oh!” she exclaimed in exasperation and alarm. “And she accuses me of theatrics!” she cried to the ceiling, her hands to her temples.
After a long while Laura rolled over, her breath tumbling uncontrollably in and out of her, her face blotched and stricken.
“It isn’t true, is it?” she whispered. “You just wanted to hurt me. Lili?”
Lili, sitting on the edge of her velvet couch, with her elbows on her knees and her chin in her hands, said, “It’s true.” She gazed at Laura and there was no pose, no elegance in her. It wasn’t worth the effort now. Laura was beyond noticing or caring. With her face relaxed, the lines of thirty-seven years showed around Lili’s mouth and eyes. She was wondering if the startling effect her words had had was worth it.
Laura looked sick. What a bother to have to call a doctor! She shouldn’t have told her. She had had a good time roasting her. She should have let her go. But there was Laura, her bosom heaving, her face a strange color, her eyes enormous. Odd, I never noticed how big they are, Lili thought idly.
“Did anyone…really…beat her up?” Laura said, her breath betraying her and making her gasp. “Or did she make up the hoodlums, too—like Nix?” And she covered her face to cry while Lili answered her.
“She did that to herself. After she
killed Nix. I don’t know why she did it. I hate to admit it, but I guess she did it out of frustrated love. I tried to make her explain it when she told me about it—and believe me, she wouldn’t have if she hadn’t been fried—and she just said, ‘Laura hated him. I thought she might stay with me longer if he was gone.’ After she did it she beat herself. I don’t know how. I don’t know with what. She didn’t say. Maybe she just whacked at herself with her fists. Maybe she used something heavy. Anyway, she did it while she was hysterical. At least, that’s what I think. I don’t see how she could have hurt herself that much if she hadn’t been half crazy. She was mourning for Nix and she was afraid of losing you.”
Lili stopped talking, and Laura realized dimly that there had been no cutting edge in her voice for the past few minutes.
After a little while of silence Laura got up dizzily from the floor and dried her eyes. Her face had gone very white and she sat down for a minute in a chair.
“Did you ever love her?” Lili asked. “Really?”
Laura turned to look at her, and her eyes seemed remarkably deep and different, as if she had seen something for the first time. She didn’t seem to have heard Lili.
“Did you ever love her, Laura?” Lili asked again.
“Not until now,” Laura said, and Lili stared at her.
When Laura got home, all she wanted was to go in the bedroom, turn out all the lights, and crawl half dressed into her bed. And try to make sense of her awful knowledge, try to live with it. She couldn’t think of Beebo without pain.
Jack followed her into the bedroom where she sprawled on the bed sobbing. He went to her and said worriedly, “Jesus, honey. Tell me about it.” He sat down beside her, his hands on her shoulders trying to ease her. “Did the stock market crash?”
She wept on as If he weren’t there.
“You got a bad pickle in your hamburger?”
No response.
“Your girdle split?”
She rolled over and looked at him with mournful eyes. “Jack, this is no time to be stupid.”
“I can’t say anything very bright till you tell me what’s the matter,” he said.
Laura blew her nose hard. He made her feel ludicrous and she resented it “Beebo,” she said finally. “Beebo. Oh, Jack.” She looked at him with red eyes. “She must have killed your little dog. The one you gave her after Nix died.”
“Must have?”
“She killed Nix. Nobody beat her up. She did it to herself.”
They stared at each other, Jack beginning to share her feelings.
He heaped his scorn on Beebo. “Damn!” he said. “Damn silly hysterical female. I thought Beebo had more sense than most women.”
“Just because she’s not like most women?” Laura cried. “Jack, you make me furious! The more mannish a woman is, the more sense you think she’s got! God! Beebo’s sick! She’s sick or she wouldn’t have done it When I think what she must have gone through, I—oh…” And she wept again, silently and hard. “She’s no damn silly female. You damn silly man!”
“What is she, then?” he asked, smiling a little.
Laura turned back to the bed and muttered, “I don’t know. She’s mixed up and unhappy and maybe she’s still in love with me. She’s miserable because she’s still in love with me, anyway. I know that much.”
“Isn’t that touching,” Jack commented acidly. “You have a desirable woman walloping herself and bisecting dachshunds out of love for you. It must do wonders for your ego.”
Laura didn’t even answer. She just flew at him, nails first, and took a wild swipe at his face. She missed; Jack was fast, and prepared. But she struggled desperately with him with her knees, her elbows, teeth and nails, until she was exhausted. She didn’t last long. Lili had taken the fight out of her.
He laid her back down on the bed when she was gulping for air and went to get her some coffee.
“Now, tell me where you learned about Beebo,” he said when he returned.
After a long, reluctant pause she answered him. Her basic trust in him persuaded her, but she promised herself that if he got sarcastic again she would stop speaking to him. Permanently.
“I saw Lili this afternoon,” she whispered.
He gave a snort. “For old times’ sake?” he asked.
“To ask about Beebo,” she said haughtily.
“And she told you that romantic little tale? About carving up Nix?”
“Yes.”
“And you believed her?”
“Yes. She wasn’t kidding.”
“Oh, she never does,” he said with false agreement.
Laura flipped over to face him, her face red, but he interrupted her before she could get a word out. “Okay, she told the truth, we’ll say.” He moved her coffee gently toward her as he spoke. “And if she did it’s pretty awful and it’s pretty sad. And I wish like hell that it hadn’t happened to Beebo, because she’s a damn nice kid and I always liked her. I’m sorry about it, Laura—”
“Sorry!” she exploded. “What a stinking little word that is for what she must have gone through!”
“What’s in a word, honey?” Jack shrugged, frowning. “You want a eulogy? I’m sorry, if Beebo really did it. That’s not fancy but it’s true. I can’t put Nix back together. I can’t order you to love Beebo the way she loves you.”
There was a long silence then while Laura considered what he said. Her feelings for Beebo seemed to have undergone a transformation that afternoon. It was as if she saw clearly, and for the first time, into Beebo’s secret heart, into her pain and frustration and passion. And Laura’s own heart melted, touched, awed, a little exalted even to think that she could have inspired such a wonderful, terrible, mad, single-minded love in anybody. All of a sudden it seemed very valuable to her. She wanted it back, just the way it had been. She would know how to respect it now.
She lay there looking at Jack and felt a small fear licking at her heart like a flame. What if her love for Beebo became more precious to her than her love for Jack?
She said pensively, “I felt so bad about everything. I’ve been so selfish.”
“Not with me, honey.”
There was a long pause. At last she said, “You mean—going to the doctor, and everything?”
“That’s only part of it.” He got up and went to her.
Laura was standing in her bare feet, leaning against a wall and looking out at the East River. Her eyes were fastened on the night lights of the city. Jack touched her shoulder.
“Laura, darling, I’ve loved you for a long time…ever since we met, I think. I’ve never loved you less than I did at the start. And now I love you much much more. Just the fact that you were willing to try for a child means the whole world to me. Even if it never works out. I can’t love you with my body. You wouldn’t want it even if I could. But I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone as much as you, honey. Not even the lovely boys I could never resist. Not even Terry; and there never was a lovelier one. When all the sweat and passion are over with there’s nothing but ashes and melancholy. Nothing’s deader than a gay love that’s burned out. But with you… I don’t know, it just goes on and on. It’s steady and comforting. It won’t fail me, no matter what. It gives me a little faith—not much, but a little—in myself. In people. In you.”
Laura turned her head away so he wouldn’t see the tears. “Laura, you can say what you please but you’ll never convince me that I did a cowardly thing marrying you. A selfish thing, yes. A hell of a selfish thing. I think I would have gone to pieces without you. But I wasn’t running away from my old life as much as I was running to a new one.”
Suddenly Laura felt a big ugly need to fight. Maybe it was just to let off steam after a nerve-wracking afternoon. Maybe it was to make her forget how guilty she felt about Beebo. Probably it was both.
Laura turned and walked away from him, feeling his hand slip from her shoulder, unwanted and unsure. “Well, I don’t know why you left the Village but I think I know why I
did. Finally,” she said. Her voice was hard and she knew she was going to hurt him and she cringed from it almost as much as he did. And still she spoke, compulsively. “I left because it was the only way I could see out of my problems. You were my escape hatch, Jack. You were just too damn convenient.”
“That’s my charm,” he said harshly. “Ask Terry.”
“It isn’t the first time I’ve run away from my problems. I ran away from Beth in college. I ran away from my father. From Marcie—remember her? She was straight. I didn’t find out till I tried to make love to her.”
“I remember. You ran straight to me. And if you hadn’t you’d be enjoying a protracted vacation in a mental institution at this moment.”
“You helped, I admit it. I don’t know what I would have done. But that’s not the point. The point is, that here I am doing it again. Running away. Not to you this time, but with you.”
“So?” he said. “So we run away. So what the hell? Let’s run. Who gives a damn? What’s eating you, Laura?”
“It’s wrong, that’s what! You told me when we left the Village I’d get over it and Beebo didn’t matter…she’d survive. And I believed you. Until today.”
“And now you think she won’t survive?” he asked bitingly. “Because of something she did ten months ago while you were still living with her?”
Laura was swallowed up for a moment in a sob. “I want her!” she gasped finally. “Oh, God and Heaven, I want her!” And she stamped her foot like a furious child.
When she was quiet enough so he could talk without shouting, Jack said, “Sure. I want Terry. But we’re poison together. So are you and Beebo. If you go to her you’ll come running back to Uncle Jack before the month is out. Fed up all over again. Only this time there’ll be a difference. This time Beebo really will commit mayhem. Or murder. Or both. And if you don’t run fast enough, Mother, it may be you she murders. I wouldn’t put it past her.”
“I want her back!” Laura amazed herself with her own words, words she never meant to say. Jack stared at her, his face pale and determined.
“You can’t have her.”
