My hands ran over the sculpted chest, down to Nang’s waist, around his back to trace all the fascinating hills and hollows that were there beneath that formsuit. His hand slid down to my ass, cupping it and drawing me up so that I could feel him hard and ready. The other hand slid to my front to caress a breast. I gasped, not so much because he touched me that way, but because it felt so good.
I never enjoyed being touched by Mike or his predecessors. Never. They made me feel small and hurt and dirty. But first Dusa and now Nang...it was as if dozens of fires were being lit inside my body. All those little flames were working towards each other, trying to become an inferno.
The strangest part is that instead of feeling like filth at the clandestine fondling, Nang gave me the sense I was...oh what’s the right word? Adored? Worshipped?
That’s it. Instead of being mere meat for his desires, it was as if he venerated me. As if he thought touching me was touching paradise. Not that I think I’m a goddess or anything of the sort, but there was this crazy sense of reverence as Nang explored my body.
Between kisses when he gazed into my face, I saw a fierce devotion. It made no sense; after all, we’d only met once before. There was also another expression, one I knew too well. Lust. Need. But when paired with the more reverent look, it didn’t disgust me. I went softer to his touch. Heaven help me, I liked it. I loved being looked at that way.
I didn’t protest when he laid me down on the desk. I shook when he pushed my shirt and bra up over my breasts, exposing them. Not with fear, but with a need I hadn’t experienced before. When Nang’s mouth closed on my breast, sucking the mound into his hot, wet mouth, I arched and cried out. An incredible rush of sensation barreled from there to my lower parts. His tongue stroked my nipple, the roughness of it sending a strange, pleasurable ache rioting through my senses. Jesus, Mohammed, and Moses, if there really is a heaven it’s in Commander Nang’s mouth. Strike me down for blasphemy, but it’s the truth.
He sucked and licked and nipped until I was writhing like a snake beneath him. Then he kissed his way over to the other breast and did the same. Watching his tongue swirl all around my areola, seeing his teeth catch the tip between them so he could whip his tongue over it drove me crazy.
But even in my sex-maddened state, something bothered me. I didn’t want to heed those warnings. I just wanted Nang’s gorgeous, tormenting play to go on and on, washing me with those crazy sensations in my gut and sex. I wanted to forget the world outside, with its blown-up cities, its murderous gangs, its judgmental people who made my mother cry...
That was it. That was what was wrong. That was why, despite the stroking hands and devouring mouth, I hadn’t descended into total enthrallment. I was doing the very thing that they all suspected me of, the thing that had put me and Mom on everybody’s shit list.
I shoved against Nang, pushing to move that wondrous body off mine. “Stop!” I said, my voice forceful without being loud, in case someone outside the door might hear. “Nang, don’t!”
He stopped his delicious assault on my breasts, his expression at once concerned. “What’s wrong, Shalia? Did I hurt you?”
“No. Please...you need to get off me.”
It might have been the most difficult thing I’d ever said. I ached for more, much more. My breasts tingled, the nipples hard and pointing at Nang’s mouth as if to entreat him to return to them.
I pushed again. “Please, Nang. I’m begging you to stop right now.”
He rose, his expression utterly confounded. “But why? Am I not pleasing you?”
I almost dissolved into hysterical laughter. More like pleasing me too damned much, to the point that I’d forgotten the danger I was putting Mom and myself in. Damn it, what is with me and these Kalquorians?
That brought thoughts of Dusa. I wondered what he would think if he knew I’d been getting so up close and personal with another man. I swallowed the guilt that rose.
I sat up, pulling my bra and blouse back down and arranging everything so I didn’t look so disheveled or wanton. Meanwhile, Nang stood in front of me, his crotch swollen big enough to storm castle gates with. Seeing him that way made me feel bad for him but relieved for me. I don’t think my body could have survived fucking something that size.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let that happen. I didn’t mean to make you feel like...like that.” I gestured vaguely at his erection.
Nang tilted his head. “But you were enjoying it, weren’t you?”
I hung my head, ashamed. “Yes, I was.”
“Then why do you want to stop?”
I looked up at him. The big man had no clue whatsoever why I’d called a halt to our tempestuous romp. I couldn’t fault him that. I’d seen the reports of how his people thought touching women, right up to attempting to have sex with them, was a way to soothe fears. It was their way of making females feel safe and protected and cared for. I’d gotten that sense myself when Nang touched me.
I ached to pick up where we’d left off. I couldn’t do that. No way. The denial made me empty inside.
“Nang, what we did would have gotten me a lifelong prison sentence on old Earth. The way our prisons operated, lifelong would have amounted to a few weeks. Many of my kind still think that way.”
His expression started to clear. Realization seeped into his face, along with a look of horror.
I needed to make sure he understood why I wasn’t going to live up to the promises my body had been making moments before. “I’m already accused of being immoral, and I’ve done nothing but agree to give a presentation to your staff. Can you imagine the censure I’d face if anybody had a clue as to what happened here?”
Nang licked his lips. He nodded slowly. “I will not speak of it to anyone. Not a single person will know. I will get you and Matara Eve those guards as I said I would.”
I shook my head. “You can’t do that. Giving Mom and me protection, while appreciated, will only give other Earthers more evidence that I’m a traitor to them. You can’t guard me forever. Eventually I will have to live with these people.”
He stared at me, his brows drawing together. “If you go to Kalquor to join a clan, you will be among only like-minded Earthers.”
“That’s fine for my well-being, but what about my mother? She’s past childbearing age and of no worth to your empire, especially since there is no guarantee her dementia can be reversed.”
Nang shrugged. “Put her in an elder facility. I am sure there will be some on the colonies.”
My mouth dropped in shock. “What, just pack her away? Where I can’t keep an eye on her or see her?”
I’d been ready to put Mom in assisted living before Armageddon, but I had also made sure I’d stay nearby. What Nang so callously advocated was dropping her off and leaving her fate in the hands of others, others who could turn into uncaring assholes as soon as my back was turned.
The stupid shit blathered on, clueless of how furious I’d become. “You could visit her, as your clan’s responsibilities would allow. I’m sure they’d be glad to find time for you to spend a few days in her company once in a while.”
I spoke slowly and distinctly, making sure Nang wouldn’t misunderstand how far off course he’d gone. “Commander Nang, I am not abandoning my mother in any such way. I am all she has and I will not avoid my responsibility to her; the only real responsibility I have. As for you and your presentation and all of the Kalquorian Empire, you can go fuck yourselves.”
With that I stormed out, ignoring his shocked, “Shalia!” I half expected him to come after me. Fortunately, he let me go, sparing himself the agony of me yanking off his oversized cock and beating him with it.
I am done with the aliens. All of them. While I admit it makes me beyond sad to not see Dusa and Esak again, it’s for the best. Kalquor is not the place for me and Mom, except to get her the medical care she needs. After that and after I’ve sent all the would-be clans packing, I will wash my hands of them forever.
Septemb
er 15
I just got in from lunch. I brought half of it to the dorm with me since some asshole bumped my table hard as he walked by, knocking my tray into my lap. There I sat, tuna salad and protein drink all over my shirt and pants. Then the shithead, some guy in his thirties missing both front teeth in his upper gum, smiled at me.
He said, “Sorry, slut. But you’re used to having nastiness in your lap, ain’t ya?”
Several people nearby laughed while Mom fussed, trying to clean me up with a napkin. Weln started forward as if to either help me or to punch the Gap-Toothed Wonder, but I warned him away with a look. I was afraid a bunch of Earthers might jump him. Despite his size, Weln seems to be a pretty gentle guy. If he got into a fight and started losing, a whole lot of the Kalquorians that hang out in the dining area keeping an eye on things would get involved. I guarantee you, my fellow Earthers would blame it all on me.
Most of all, I was worried that Mom might realize the ‘accident’ wasn’t an accident. I cannot take her crying again. I cleaned up as best I could, pointedly ignored everyone else, and sat as long as it took Mom to eat. I’d lost my appetite.
At least it wasn’t the hot soup I’d almost ordered. Things could be worse. That’s what I keep telling myself anyway.
I’ve spent a lot of the day in bed. With nothing to do and nobody to talk to, what else is there? The worst thing is how my head keeps replaying the message Dusa sent me.
“Shalia, I am so sorry to hear what happened to Matara Eve. I’m even more sorry that such ugly things are being said about you. You don’t deserve any of it. You’ve done nothing wrong. I understand why you left a message saying you can’t see me and Esak anymore, but please reconsider. We will be very careful from now on. No one else will see when we visit you. Just don’t cut me off this way. I treasure the friendship we’ve built, and it hurts to think I can’t see you again.” His voice cracked a touch as he spoke.
Then Esak: “I will not let anyone hurt you or your mother, Shalia. Talk to us. It will be all right.”
Do I really mean that much to them? I know how lost and empty I feel not seeing Dusa’s smile. I think back to the last time I saw them, and my gut knots. I alternate between laughter and tears when I remember Esak’s patient suffering as he watched Mom knit him a very non-Nobek cap. I could see him gathering all his courage to wear it when it’s eventually finished, to make her happy. He’d do it too, though it’s a color only a little girl would wear. He and Dusa are so sweet. They’ve been incredibly good to us.
I can’t bear to erase the message, not when it’s the only shred of kindness I have left in this world. I’m going to keep it, because I don’t dare allow myself to remain involved with Dusa and Esak in any way, not when Mom’s well-being is a part of the equation.
It’s so unfair.
September 16
Dusa and Esak messaged me again, pleading with me to reconsider not talking to them. I have no choice. I can’t see them. People are still glaring at me when I go to eat. Anywhere I see fellow Earthers, I am ostracized. They whisper and stare when I’m near. When I walk by them, I hear the words ‘slut’ and ‘whore’ and ‘traitor’. The few friendlies here at the dorm won’t come near me when we’re away from this area for fear of being treated the same. I’m a pariah to my own, despised and hated.
I’ve begged the staff that keeps Mom busy during the day to not let her out of their sight. They are kind and invite me to stay there with her so I don’t keep to myself so much. I don’t want to be around others though. I want to be left alone. I stay in bed except for meals. I don’t even want to leave for that because of the hatred I have to face. When will they realize I’m not consorting with the enemy anymore? When will they figure out I haven’t done anything wrong?
The only people who want me around are the wrong people. The Kalquorians have been good to me, but they could get me killed or Mom hurt.
I feel the judgment whenever I venture out. The urge to pass sentence. The bloody, angry need to execute.
What do you people want from me? I’m one of you! I’m only trying to survive, to take care of my mom, to live my life. Is it because I didn’t warn anybody about Armageddon? Is this my punishment for staying silent even though I knew it could happen? Is it divine retribution? Karma?
I can’t wait to get out of here. The next transport off Earth doesn’t leave for a month though. How am I going to suffer through until then? Where can I go so others don’t attack me for what I’ve done?
September 17
So. Glad I only drunk a glass of the wine Dus and esak brought last time I seen them. Cause I’m drinking the rest now. Thanks, my sweet baby Kalquorans boys. You’re teh best. Cheers.
Sutpid fucking Earthers. What a bunch of assholse. You jduge me for having an innocent dinner with very nice men? For agrreing to do a speech so Kaluqornans won’t scare the shit out of you anymore? Fuck you. Yeah, I kissed a ocuple of them. Got felt up by one too. Iliked it, you stupids assholes. Kiss my ass. Who wants to eat lunch and dinner with you anyway? Like Earhters are so great. Guess what? I was raped by five of your precious Earth men. Yep. The high and mihgty children of the Almighty treated me worse than any damnd alien I’ve met. And Icouldn’t tell anybody becuase they would have put MY ass in prison for it. Would have beat me and cut me and worked me until I was dead. Fuck you all.
I miss Dusa and Esak. I want to see them so bad. Why can’t people be nice? Why cant we be friends? They treat us sos good and everbody’s mad becuase of Amageddown. They didn’t make the bombs go off, you idiots! Our leadeers did! They knew and they left the warheads theer to kill everyhbody!
Fuck
September 18
Good God, I have such a headache. I’m in hangover hell after polishing off that bottle of wine last night. It nearly killed me to go out this morning to put Mom on the shuttle for her daycare. That little bit of sunlight sent blades of glass through my skull. Shalia and large amounts of wine do not mix well. If anyone is not convinced, read last night’s pathetic entry.
Dusa and Esak did not message me yesterday. I guess they’ve given up. Now I really am alone.
Why am I doing this to myself? The other Earthers have made it clear they want nothing to do with me. A priest named Father Lucas is the only person who will sit with Mom if I’m not present for meals. So far he hasn’t said anything to upset her, and Weln has been paying very careful attention to that. But the P.T. are keeping their distance, and Father Lucas stays away if I’m in the vicinity.
It’s become apparent I will remain on the outside of Club Earther. So why shouldn’t I go ahead and do the things they all think I’m doing anyway? What’s the point of being the person they demand of me if I never receive absolution for my supposed sins?
I am tired of this. I might as well do what I want since I’ve been tried and convicted already. I’m going to message Commander Nang and tell him I’ll do the presentation after all...if he’ll let me. I’ll spend the day working on that once more. Then after Mom is tucked in bed and snoozing away, I’m going to visit Dusa and Esak. Yes, I am well aware of what could possibly happen. No, I don’t give a fuck anymore. They make me feel good. No one else does.
But first, I’m going to call Dr. Dad Nayun and see if he can give me something for this splitting headache.
September 19
Oh boy. I don’t know where to start except to say that I had sex with Dusa!!!!!!!!! It was amazing!!!!!!!!!
Wow. Just wow. If I had realized it could be that incredible, I would have run to him the first time I ever saw him. I would have flung off all my clothes and jumped on him right then and there in the middle of the street.
Exactly as I’d planned, as soon as Mom started snoring, I went out to find my sweet knight in black armored formsuit. I’d earlier learned where the dorm is that he and Esak are quartered. I had a bit of a walk, but it wasn’t too hot outside for a change. I wasn’t standing in a puddle of sweat when I got there, at any rate.
I knocked on
the door, at another dorm in another building reserved for Kalquorians. Dusa answered a moment later and stared at me. His hair was wet, running like black ink down his naked chest. He wore this thing low on his hips that looked similar to a towel made into a skirt. It only went as far as to the middle of his thighs, so I found myself looking at a whole lotta Dramok. My mouth dropped so far open I was surprised it didn’t bounce off my toes. Dusa was all muscle; damp, shiny muscle. I assume he’d just showered.
I never saw him move. The next second I was in the room with him, and the door slammed shut behind me. His arms closed around me, and we kissed and kissed like we were long-lost lovers.
Between kisses, Dusa moaned my name over and over. “Shalia. Shalia.” He kept repeating it as if he couldn’t believe I was there. Hell, I couldn’t believe I was either, but I was damned glad to be.
Shalia's Diary Omnibus Page 10
