“Three hundred sixteen.”
I groaned. “Candy. You are impossible, girl.”
“At least I’m working on it.” She rolled her eyes at me. “You’ll show up on Kalquor without having done the first thing to land a clan. Then what? You think it’s overwhelming now; you won’t know what hit you when you reach the empire and have to meet your suitors.”
I pushed my plate aside and rested my forehead on my folded arms. “I can’t handle this.”
“Stop whining. Get with the program. Start today, or I’ll tell Betra you dream of warming up his bed.”
“Crap. I haven’t returned his gifts.” I glared at the table beneath my nose. How could I contemplate searching for a clan when my favorite bunch of guys remained on Earth? That gave me an idea.
I sat up to face Candy, who was attempting to be stern. Ha, prissy, cutesy girl couldn’t pull that expression off if her life depended on it. It’s good she’s tougher than she looks.
“I can’t work on the questionnaire right away, girlfriend. I have to edit the vid from Clan Dusa’s ceremony.”
Candy stared at me, incredulous. Now that’s a demeanor she can do. “You never finished it?”
“I’d almost completed the edits on Earth, but stupid stuff distracted me.”
“Stupid stuff.” Candy grimaced. “Nearly dying several times over doesn’t exactly translate as ‘stupid stuff’. Man, that was some fucked-up shit we went through.”
I laughed in surprise. Candy rarely uses profanity. It doesn’t sound real coming out of The Girl Next Door’s mouth.
She grinned. “Almost done, huh? You can tackle the questionnaire tomorrow.”
“Maybe.” I made sure I didn’t sound optimistic. To distract her, I said, “I should make a copy of your howling performance from the clanning party. You can send it to your would-be clans, thin out the herd—”
Candy waved the knife she’d used to cut her ronka chop. “I will hurt you. Badly. You erase that footage, woman. I mean it.”
I’ve spent most of the day putting the finishing touches on the vid. I did include Candy’s lemanthev debut. If she asks, I’ll remind her that Weln was standing beside her in the shot, so of course I had to include it.
I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster. One minute I’m smiling to at my boys and my dads enjoying themselves, the next, I’m sniffling because I miss them. Oh, who am I kidding? I’ve bawled more than once. I’ve also laughed until my stomach hurt. I’m a woman of extremes. Must be hormones. I bet my period hits soon.
I sent the vid to my sweeties and a copy to Dad with a reminder he’d better com me about his new squeeze soon. If only Candy knew how it hurts! If she could understand how awful it will be when I see Dusa, Esak, and Weln in the flesh, that we can only be friends. Perhaps then, she’d get off my back about filling out that damned questionnaire.
The pain will fade, but I’m not ready to move on with my life. I’m not ready to contemplate letting another clan into my heart. Candy and anyone else who cares about me being hitched will have to understand that.
December 12
Betra stopped by, nostrils flaring wide. He stayed just outside of my door when I opened it, almost as if he was afraid to enter.
“How are you, Matara Shalia?” he asked me. “I’m checking to be sure you are well?”
“I’m fine,” I answered, pasting a smile on. At least I had an opportunity to return his gifts. I had packed the hair pretties, robe, and slippers in the container. With great remorse.
“Ah, Betra, you need to take all this.” I pointed at the container.
He blinked. “Are the items not to your liking?”
“They’re very much to my liking. But–but it’s inappropriate for me to accept gifts from someone I’m not involved with.” My face heated. I must have been as red as a fire truck.
“I don’t understand.”
I would have gotten mad with Betra, except he seemed genuinely at a loss. I sighed. Doing my best to not be a bitch, I said, “I’m sure you’re a wonderful person. Even so, I’m not willing to consider you as more than my liaison. I’m not up for a romantic entanglement.”
His confusion deepened for a moment, then his eyes widened. “You think I gave–you think I want—”
Then it was Betra who turned a blistering scarlet. He burst out, “Matara Shalia, I am not trying to seduce you. I brought you that package on orders.”
Oh damn. I was dying of embarrassment. “You mean–but none of the other women got containers full of goodies, so I thought–I thought—”
We stared at each other. It was hard to tell who was more horrified over the misunderstanding. We spent several seconds like that, mortified over the situation.
Then, all at once, we both started laughing. No, not laughing. Howling. We lost it, hysterical over the whole ridiculous affair.
“If–if you could have seen your face!” I gasped, doubled over. I laughed so hard it hurt.
“No, you should have seen yours! By the ancestors, you looked so dismayed,” Betra said, supporting his quaking body on the doorframe.
“Dismayed? That’s too tame. You had me beat by a mile. I’ve never seen anyone so appalled in my life!”
We must have spent five minutes shrieking with laughter and competing over who had been the most aghast over the confusion. Tears streamed down my face.
Finally, we calmed down enough that I could ask, “So what gives? Who sent me these things?”
Betra grinned at me. “I’m not at liberty to say. Sorry.”
I folded my arms over my chest. “What do you mean you can’t tell me? This is weird.”
He nodded. “I realize that, but I’m under orders. You will be told when the time is right why certain Mataras under certain circumstances receive special treats.”
“Betra—”
He held up his hand. “I don’t agree with keeping you in the dark, but it’s not my place to interfere.”
I gave him my most winning smile. “Can you drop me a hint?”
Betra thought about it. After a moment, he grinned. “I’ll do that much. It has to do with the activities you engaged in down on Earth and the service you have provided the empire.”
I gaped at him, at a loss. The service I had provided the empire? He had to be talking about either the presentation I’d given or saving the medical staff and invalids in that fire. I was betting on the fire rescue. What was more important than saving lives?
I shrugged, trying to be modest. “I did what I had to, that’s all. Anyone else in my position would have done the same.”
Betra’s expression hinted that he was on the verge of breaking into a fresh round of laughter. “If you say so, Matara. Is there anything else special I could bring you that will make you more comfortable?”
“No thanks, Betra. Sorry for the misunderstanding.”
“Not at all.” He shook his head. “Ancestors, that was embarrassing.”
“Tell me about it.”
“I’m glad we cleared that up.” Betra offered me a bow, but he was still grinning from ear to ear. “If you do wish to be provided anything at all, let me know. I’ll be glad to see what I can do.”
“Thanks.”
He left.
I wish I knew who the gifts came from or why Betra can’t talk about it. It occurred to me they could be from the dads or Clan Dusa...but why the secrecy? It didn’t make any sense that they would arrange for me to have presents and keep the reason from me.
I thought about Commander Nang. Good heavens, I hope the container isn’t from him. I am done with that man forever. It could be...except for that cryptic hint Betra gave me about doing something in service to the empire. Again, I have to consider I’m being rewarded for freeing everyone from Medical when it was set on fire. God, I hope that’s the case.
Worry that the presents might have come from Nang made me hesitate. Then I decided, so what if they did? Nang is on Earth and will be for a while yet. By the time he gets to Kalqu
or, I will have found a clan–or gotten myself tossed off the planet. Nang can’t bother me anymore. Fuck him.
Reassured, I rushed to put those silky sheets on my sleeping mat, ate some of the nellus, and unpacked the rest of my treasures. Mine! I can keep all the goodies and I don’t have to worry about fending Betra off. Or offending him by giving them back. Not only that, our misunderstanding may have made us decent acquaintances. If I can convince him to stop that scenting thing he does, I could consider him a friend.
But nothing more, for heaven’s sake. Absolutely not.
December 13
Today started off not so good. I woke up with my stomach queasy. I didn’t puke, but it kept me far from the dining room during the breakfast hours. Instead, I stayed in bed on my nice, soft sheets. I drifted to sleep again. When I woke two hours later to the sound of an incoming vid com, I felt better.
The call was from Dusa and the boys. It hurts to see them. I wouldn’t miss any opportunity in the world to talk to them, but often, it’s more torture than pleasure. It doesn’t help that there’s more and more of a delay when they answer my questions and comments. The transport is flying farther from Earth, farther from Dusa, Esak, and Weln.
The three of them smiled sadly at me, as if they were thinking along the same lines. “Thank you for the vid of our clanning ceremony, Shalia,” Dusa said. “From so many angles too! You are such a talent.”
“And sneaky,” Esak said with an admiring grin. “I didn’t realize you had put small recorders on everyone.”
“It is the perfect keepsake,” Weln chimed in. “I sent copies to all our parents. Thank you from everyone in advance. They’ll be thrilled to receive the footage.”
“Though I didn’t have much hair on that day,” Esak said, chuckling and rubbing his crown. His hair had left the fuzzy stage behind. I couldn’t see his scars anymore.
“I’m glad you liked it,” I said. “I’m sorry it took me so long to give it to you.”
Dusa waved off my apology. “That you were there in person was everything I could have hoped for. How are you?”
“Okay. I miss you, though.”
“We miss you too.” Dusa let his sorrow peek through. “You have to find a clan to make you happy. I hate you being alone.”
I scowled at him. “It’s not been two weeks since I left Earth, Dusa. If you believe I’m over you guys that fast, you don’t think very highly of me.”
“I think only the best of you, my lovely Shalia. But a second of your unhappiness is a second too much.”
I’m not reporting all the sickeningly sweet sentiments that were exchanged beyond that point. Suffice to say, I miss them and they wished I didn’t, because missing them means I’m not delighted with life. Damn. Maybe I should have stayed on Earth with them and waited until they could clan me. Then Mom wouldn’t be on her way to Kalquor for the treatment she needs, and blah-blah-blah; same old crap, different day. Fate is not kind. Fate is a suckfest of a bitch.
By the time I got off the com with my sweeties, lunch hour had rolled around. I was ravenous, so I joined Candy and Katrina. Katrina led us in a naughty game of ‘Guess His Size’ as men walked past us. Our choices were “It wouldn’t keep me awake”, “It’ll do in a pinch”, “Damn boy, what have you been feeding those snakes?” and “No thanks, I don’t need my pussy and ass to become impact craters”. We laughed like the fiends we are. It got me out of the funk talking to Dusa, Esak, and Weln had put me in. Laughter really is the best medicine.
December 14
Damn it. I’m sick as a dog. My stomach is gurgling and churning. I caught a bug for sure. Or wait...I’m due for my period. Overdue, in fact. My cycle always was fucked up. Yep, cramps so severe I’m nauseous. That must be what’s wrong with me. Among other things.
Dusa, Esak, and Weln are getting farther and farther away. I’m replaying yesterday’s conversation with them in my head. I hate how they are trying to put our affair behind. Do they believe I can switch my emotions off? I realize I turned to Nang way too easily after Dusa and Esak left for Atlanta, even with Weln there with me. Yet I never stopped missing them. In fact, Nang underscored how wonderful Dusa’s clan is. At least he served that function.
It kills me to not talk to them regularly. It kills me after we’ve talked because I miss them all the more. There’s no going back, is there? It could be years before they go home to Kalquor. I’ve made my decision to go to the empire and find a clan. Okay. I will deal that. But not today.
Ugh, I can’t even face breakfast this morning. I swear I’ll puke if I try to eat. I’m staying in my bed and being miserable. Maybe I’ll read a book when I finish this entry. Maybe I’ll curl up and feel sorry for myself until I fall asleep again. Why climb out of bed? Why do anything?
You know what would snap me out of my funk? What kind of clan would help me move on from Dusa’s? Just clone Dusa’s clan. That’s all they need to do. If I can’t have Clan Dusa, give me an exact copy. That will work.
The door announce is going off. Whoever you are, go away. I don’t want to talk to anyone.
Come on, stopping buzzing already. I’m not getting up.
Fuck. Some dumbass is dying to be screamed at, apparently.
Fine, asshole. Maybe my funky stomach will do me a favor and empty out all over you, whoever you are.
December 17
It’s been three days since my life flipped upside down. I’ve been trying to record what happened in my journal. Every time I start, I freak out. Here goes another attempt at writing down the unthinkable.
I guess it’s best to start at the beginning. The beginning would be where I left off on the last entry. That’s when someone decided to interrupt my pity party by refusing to leave when I wouldn’t answer the door.
Yeah. That’s how to do this. One step at a time, from the beginning.
Mean and ill, I went to my door and snapped, “Who the hell is it?”
There was silence for a moment, then a hesitant voice said, “Liaison Betra.”
I rolled my eyes. It occurred to me that Betra didn’t understand a lot of things about Earthers. As in, not answering the door translates into ‘go away’. How the hell was someone so inept at Earther etiquette assigned to be a liaison who is tasked with our well-being?
I decided to clear up this latest misunderstanding. “Come back later. I’m not seeing anyone.”
“Are you all right, Matara Shalia?”
There was that question again. I snapped, “As a matter of fact, I don’t feel good today. For all I know, it’s contagious. I give you a call when I’m better.”
“You’d better open the door.”
Of all the replies I’d expected, that wasn’t among them. I crossed my arms over my chest and scowled as if he could see me through the door. “Betra, leave me alone. All I want is to crawl in bed and sleep until I’m better.”
“I’ve been ordered to bring you to Medical. Now.”
I was startled, to say the least. “Why?” So help me, if Dad was making me go to that stupid checkup...
“If you don’t go willingly, I’m to summon an orderly to sedate you and bring you in.”
My jaw nearly hit the floor. I was shocked, then furious. “Door, open!”
The door slid out of the way to reveal a sheepish Betra standing there. Nevertheless, he stepped into my quarters as if he had every right to be there. “Get dressed, Shalia.”
“What the hell is going on?” I demanded. I shook with fury.
“That is not for me to explain.” He appeared embarrassed but resolute. “They’ll tell you everything in Medical.”
I had the sudden insight that something was horribly wrong. Dad’s insistence I have a checkup, Betra’s constant inquiries into my health, now this strongarm tactic to force me visit the doctor...how bad had I been hurt on Earth from the smoke inhalation? What was it Dad hadn’t told me?
Fear made me like a child. “I don’t want to go.”
Betra grimaced. “I can’t give
you the choice. Please, Shalia, go get dressed.”
I turned from him and went into the sleeping room where my clothes were. Numb, I changed out of my nice, Kalquorian-supplied robe and slippers and the nightgown I’d brought from Earth. I wasn’t sure what I put on, only that there was a top covering my top and bottoms covering my ass. All the while I thought, It’s serious. Whatever it is, it’s serious. Why didn’t Dad tell me? My stomach, already doing lazy loops this morning, had gone into overdrive. If I’d have eaten breakfast, it would have landed all over the floor.
Shalia's Diary Omnibus Page 43
