by Lissa Manley
“That maybe being discussion partners is a good thing?” she asked, dipping her chin.
He hated to admit she was right, but he really would be an absolutely clueless idiot instead of a figurative one if he didn’t face the truth head-on. “Heidi certainly thinks we should continue talking.”
“Well, then, there you have it,” Phoebe said, gathering up the napkin she’d shredded. “So are we back on as discussion partners?”
He looked at her unflinching blue gaze, wanting to rise to the challenge she presented. If she could open up, so could he. For Heidi.
“I guess we are,” he replied, spreading his hands wide, acting relaxed about their decision.
“Okay, then. That decides it,” she said with a businesslike bob of her head. “Glad we worked that out.”
“Would you mind if we waited until another time to bleed, though?” He rolled a shoulder. “I’m exhausted.” Not to mention he needed time to gut up. Ha. Sounded as if he was facing a firing squad rather than a pretty blonde discussion partner.
“Me, too,” she replied, rising. She rubbed her temples. “Nothing like an old-fashioned crying jag to make me feel like a worn-out blob.”
He stood. “Trust me, you don’t look like a blob.” Far from it, unfortunately. She always looked great. “So when do you want to get together again, and where?” Funny how that sounded like they were planning a date—
He jerked his mind away from that loaded thought and managed to stay all casual-looking.
“Can we play that by ear?” Phoebe asked. “With the good weather, the store’s going to be busy this weekend, and I’m thinking you’re going to be busy with dumb tourist tricks.”
“Good point.” He grabbed his hat and put it on, thankful for the reprieve. He was game to open up, but needed time to adjust to the firing squ…um, idea. “Just let me know what works for you, all right?”
“All right.”
He headed toward the door. Just as he reached for the lock, she said, “Carson?”
He turned.
Moving closer, she put her hands in her jeans pockets. “Listen, thanks for being so understanding when I lost it. I really needed someone to talk to, and I appreciate the shoulder.” With a cocked eyebrow, she nodded toward his left shoulder. “Literally.”
He looked down and saw her tearstains on his uniform. Somehow the sight of her tears smudging his shirt made his insides twist. He cleared his throat. “Er…you’re welcome.”
She said good-night and he left, taking a deep pull of the cool, ocean-scented air as he stepped onto the boardwalk and headed to the station to get his rig.
As he walked, the burning lump of trepidation in his gut remained. And while he accepted that the reaction was an inevitable side effect of the chancy path he’d chosen, he couldn’t even come close to ignoring the chunk of fire plaguing him.
Because, truthfully, telling Phoebe he was responsible for CJ’s death would be one of the hardest things he’d ever done.
Talk about the challenge of a lifetime.
Chapter Ten
At noon the next day, Heidi showed up at the ice cream parlor right when it opened. Phoebe was happy to note that the surly attitude was gone, and Heidi actually had a smile on her face.
Phoebe put her to work at the cash register, figuring it was more practical work experience than cleaning bathrooms. More fun, too, and Phoebe had a feeling Heidi needed some fun in her life after what she’d gone through lately. Plus, she was good with the customers, and with Tanya taking orders and serving, Phoebe had a chance to get caught up paying some bills in the back between checking on things out front periodically.
Of course, bills weren’t the only thing on Phoebe’s mind. A certain handsome sheriff occupied much of her thoughts, most especially their conversation last night, and the way he’d made her feel better about talking to Justin’s father.
Kudos to him for agreeing to be her discussion partner. She really admired the way he was facing down his fears.
She only hoped she could handle whatever he told her.
Just as she hoped she could forget how comforting it had felt to have his arms around her. She’d help him navigate through handling his grief—and allow him to do the same for her—until the cows came home. But letting herself want to find contentment in his embrace and solace in his physical closeness? Bad idea.
Feeling better after she came to that conclusion—even though she didn’t get all of the bills paid—along about five in the afternoon, she went out front, noticing a lull in business. Keeping in mind her promise to Heidi, she headed over to the cash register, pleased to see her patiently helping a little girl count out her money to pay for some candy.
As soon as they were done and the little girl and her mom had left, Phoebe asked Heidi, “You want to take a break so we can talk?”
Heidi closed the register. “You sure it’s okay?”
“I’m okay with it.” Phoebe looked to Tanya. “Tanya, you think you can hold the fort down for a half hour or so?”
“Sure thing. It’s getting close to dinnertime, so things’ll be quiet for an hour or two.”
“Great. Thanks.” Phoebe’s gaze landed on the blue sky and sun shining through the window at the front of the store. “How about we get some fresh air and take a walk on the beach?”
“Okay,” Heidi said, her eyes lighting up. “It’s such a nice day.”
“I have a beautiful spot I want to show you,” Phoebe said. “Grab your coat and let’s go.”
Five minutes later, they stepped onto the beach. There were groups of people scattered about, but the beach was wide and long, and not crowded. Though the sun was shining from a clear blue sky, as usual the wind was blowing, making the actual temperature a bit chilly. Still, it was a pretty day, and sunshine was always welcome in a place that saw its share of gray skies and rain.
Moonlight Cove Jetty stretched out in front of them, a dark finger of jagged rock cutting through the waves and whitecaps.
Phoebe pointed left, in the direction of her special spot. “Let’s go that way.”
They stuck close to the scrub grass edging the beach as they silently walked. Phoebe corralled her hair with her hand and raised her face to the sun, breathing in the fresh ocean air. She savored her time outdoors after working inside all day. Heidi walked silently beside her, noticeably quiet. Was she thinking about the conversation to come?
Phoebe sure was. She had no doubt Heidi was going to ask her about why Phoebe needed grief counseling. Though it was difficult for her to talk about losing Justin, she would talk, for herself, and for Heidi. And Carson for that matter. Interesting how opening up about her loss had become about more than simply helping herself, wasn’t it?
Phoebe looked for the large pine tree shaped like a lamb that served as her landmark on the edge of the beach. She headed in that direction, and sure enough, within a minute or so she spotted the large, flat rock she’d found while playing on the beach when she was a kid. She had faithfully returned here to think and clear her mind ever since.
“Let’s sit here,” she said, gesturing to the rock. “This is my favorite spot.”
“Really?”
“Yep. I used to come here all the time when I was your age.”
“Cool.”
They sat, and for a while, said nothing. Heidi’s gaze was focused on the ocean breaking on the shore fifty yards away. Phoebe saw a man and his young son flying a kite a ways down the beach. The man squatted down behind the child, steadying the string as the long, brightly colored kite dipped and whirled in the wind. The sound of the child’s happy giggles carried to her on the breeze.
The sight brought to mind thoughts of another father and son, and a pang of grief for Carson moved through her so quickly, so painfully, she actually winced. Her eyes burned, and it had nothing to do with the stiff, salty breeze blowing over her face.
“Are you sad?” Heidi asked.
Phoebe turned, surprised to see Heidi staring at her wi
th eyes almost the exact color of the cloudless expanse of sky at her back.
She wasn’t going to mince words with Heidi; she needed honesty along with compassion. “Actually, I am.”
Heidi’s gaze followed Phoebe’s. After a long silence, she said, “You’re thinking about my dad and brother, aren’t you?”
Phoebe nodded, not trusting herself to speak.
“Did you lose someone, too?” Heidi asked, her voice whispery soft.
Here came the hard, but necessary, part. Phoebe sucked in a big breath. “Yes, I did.”
“Who?”
“My fiancé.”
Heidi’s mouth formed a small O. “What happened?”
“He was a firefighter, and he got caught in a wildfire and died.” And so had her heart.
Until now. The realization sent shockwaves through Phoebe. Definitely something to think about. Later.
“Oh. That’s sad.” Heidi looked down and scuffed her foot on the sand. “I’m sorry.”
“Thank you.”
“So…um, you know how I feel.” A pause. “About CJ dying and my mom leaving?” Heidi’s bottom lip quivered.
Phoebe reached out and took Heidi’s hand. “Only you know your feelings, but I understand loss. Having someone you love die or leave is really hard.” The hardest thing Phoebe had ever had to deal with.
“I can tell my dad is sad, too, but he never talks about it.” She nibbled on her bottom lip. “He tried yesterday when we talked in Molly’s store. But…I can tell he isn’t comfortable opening up or showing me how he’s really feeling.”
Not surprising at all, from what Phoebe knew of Carson; he clearly had an iron fist around his emotions at all times. “I’m guessing he wants to be strong for you,” she said, putting a positive spin on Carson’s motivations.
“Yeah.” Heidi reached down and ran her fingers through the sand. “But sometimes it seems like he’s trying so hard to be strong or whatever he’s…forgotten CJ and Mom. Or that he isn’t sad at all that they’re gone.” The last few words ended on a woeful half sob, half sigh.
Phoebe let Heidi’s words sink in, and after a few seconds, she saw the direction this conversation was going. Carson was clamming up because he was hurting—perfectly understandable, Phoebe had done the same thing—and Heidi was suffering because her dad was having a hard time opening up. All of that added up to one unhealthy roundabout that neither of them knew how to escape.
And it sure opened Phoebe’s eyes to the pitfalls of holding grief in. Maybe she’d learn something here, too.
Because she could relate, the unintentional disconnect between father and daughter almost broke her heart. She was sure Carson didn’t recognize the ramifications of how he was dealing with their losses; he was a good dad and would probably be horrified to realize that he was hurting Heidi by staying in such rigid control of his feelings.
Not his objective, she was sure. He always seemed to have Heidi’s best interests at heart.
So how to say all this to Heidi, in a way that would help and guide without criticizing Carson? Tricky conversation, for sure; Phoebe would have to tread lightly and use some verbal diplomacy.
With that goal in mind, a vague conversational strategy materialized in her brain. “Sweetie…your dad’s a cop, right?”
Heidi nodded.
“Well, cops are trained to control things to protect people.”
“Like bad guys and stuff?”
“Exactly.” Phoebe put her arms on her knees, leaned forward and picked up a small piece of driftwood. “So guys like your dad, who have to have a lot of control to do their jobs well, sometimes have a tough time when they can’t make every little thing right, you know?”
Heidi nibbled on her bottom lip. “I guess I never thought of that.”
“So, it would follow that having something happen like losing his son would be really hard for him to deal with.” Phoebe fiddled with the driftwood and let that thought sink in.
“That makes sense,” Heidi replied. “Especially since CJ was killed by a bad guy.”
Shock reverberated through Phoebe, and she struggled not to cry out.
Oh, Lord. I didn’t see that one coming. Help me deal.
When the sickening shock dissipated and her brain started working again, one thought charged forward. Obviously, Heidi erroneously thought Carson and Phoebe had covered how CJ had died when, in actuality, they hadn’t.
And now…one of the reasons for his reluctance to be her discussion partner became clearer. She didn’t know the details of CJ’s death, but whatever the case, she couldn’t imagine how hard it would be for anyone, much less a lawman like Carson, to talk about and face something as awful as a criminal killing his son.
And on top of that, Carson had lost a wife, and Heidi a mom. Had to be rough. Really rough, dealing with two such terrible blows.
With new understanding she looked at Heidi, sending off empathetic waves she hoped Heidi would hang on to. “Exactly. Losing CJ and your mom must be sensitive subjects, don’t you think?”
Heidi shifted on the rock. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. I just wish he would talk to me more, you know?” She sniffed. “I miss my brother and my mom.”
Phoebe’s throat burned. “Have you told him this?” she managed.
“Yeah, and we agreed to tell each other stuff more. But I still feel like he’s keeping things in. I think he should be mad at my mom for leaving, but he never says he is, and that’s weird.”
Undoubtedly, Carson was trying to shield Heidi from whatever dynamic had torn their family apart. Understandable, even though she thought maybe he was cocooning Heidi a bit too much with his good intentions.
Something else occurred to Phoebe. “Are you mad at your mom, too?” she asked gently.
“Yeah, I am,” Heidi said solemnly. “Seems like she’s only thinking about herself rather than me or Dad.”
Hoo, boy, there were some pretty big emotions roiling around here. And while Phoebe sympathized, she wondered about picking at the family’s wounds. Who was she to stir all of this up? Truth was, she could barely handle her own grief.
Even so, she wanted to comfort Heidi, so she would. Without trying to play psychologist.
“Have you told your dad all of this stuff?” she asked.
“Some of it, but not all. I don’t want to make him sadder.”
“Don’t you think he’d be even more sad if he knew he could have helped you with your sadness and anger, but you didn’t tell him?”
“Maybe.” Heidi scraped her sun-streaked blond hair back behind her ear, then turned to Phoebe. “Do you think you could talk to him about this for me?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” Phoebe said, resisting the urge to refuse outright. I need You here again, God, to help me do the right thing. What’s best for Heidi and Carson. And, yes, for me, too.
“Please?” Heidi said beseechingly. “I really need some help with this.”
Oh, boy. She was between a rock and a hard place, for certain. Phoebe made another attempt to dissuade Heidi, trying to find a balance between being helpful and what Carson might view as meddling. “Your dad might not appreciate me sticking my nose in your business. He’s a private guy.” As in very. Especially when it came to his family. And his feelings.
“But he likes you,” Heidi said. “And I think he trusts you, too.”
Phoebe’s heart rate picked up.
Heidi went on. “I really don’t think he’d mind.” Heidi turned hopeful eyes up to Phoebe. “Besides, you guys are discussion partners. Aren’t you supposed to be helping each other with this kind of stuff?”
Phoebe smiled weakly. Excellent point. One that was hard to refute. “Yes. I guess so.”
“Good. Then you can talk to him about this, no problem, right?”
Phoebe sank back, feeling spineless when she realized that putting herself in the middle of Carson and Heidi’s business might be a big problem, both for herself and Carson. Might being the key word.
A
big black hole of uncertainty loomed in front of her, and there wasn’t much she disliked or dreaded more. But Heidi needed her help, and Phoebe would have to be heartless not to give the troubled girl what she needed.
Time to grow a spine and face her fear of the unknown. For Heidi.
“Right, no problem,” she said, hoping she didn’t sound as reluctant as she felt. No sense in freaking Heidi out.
“Maybe you could come over for dinner tomorrow and you guys could talk while I do my homework,” Heidi said. “We have pizza every Sunday night.”
Phoebe swallowed. “Why don’t you run it by your dad, and we’ll see, okay?” Maybe Carson would nix the whole idea. Then again, maybe not. Either way, she’d deal.
“Okay, I’ll talk to him as soon as he gets home from work.” Heidi rose and brushed the sand off her jeans, her mouth pressed into what looked like the first genuine smile Phoebe had ever seen her give. “But I’m sure he’ll say yes.”
Phoebe got up, too, clutching the piece of driftwood in her hand with a death grip. “Just let me know, then.”
“I will.”
“Great,” Phoebe replied. What was the worst that could happen by accepting Heidi’s tentative invitation? Phoebe immediately regretted the loaded question. Because she had a feeling she wouldn’t like the answer.
*
“She’s here!” Heidi excitedly called from the front room, where she’d been camped out for the last half hour, waiting for Phoebe to arrive.
“Go ahead and answer the door.” Carson set the plates out on the counter, feeling a not entirely unexpected, yet alarming jolt of adrenaline shoot through him at the thought of Phoebe being here.
Chagrined, he rubbed his jaw, hoping he hadn’t made a mistake by agreeing when Heidi had asked yesterday to have Phoebe over for pizza. He couldn’t help but wonder, as usual, how smart it was to get any more enmeshed in Phoebe’s life than he already was. Discussion partners was one thing; getting her further involved with family affairs was another matter entirely.
But he hadn’t had the heart to say no to Heidi, especially since she’d come home yesterday from working at the parlor chattering happily about how Phoebe had let her work the cash register, and how she’d been able to interact with all of the customers. Funny how Heidi had gone from grumbling about working with Phoebe to loving it.
