Oh, dear God, he raped her! That fucking asshole beat and raped Mia. Ethan wanted to kill the fucker. His blood boiled with the need to wrap his hands around this guy’s neck, but he kept his arms around the woman he loved as she resumed her story.
“I woke up momentarily to a stranger’s voice, telling me help was on the way. I passed back out after that. I was taken to the hospital. My father, of course, was called since I was still a minor. He was livid—at me. He actually blamed me, said I had asked for it. If I had only listened to him . . . he basically said that I had asked to be beaten up and almost raped!”
Ethan breathed a sigh of relief that she hadn’t actually been raped, but he was still sick at the thought that she went through that experience, that some asshat touched her, hit her.
“He said that I had wanted that to happen. How fucking ridiculous is that? I didn’t want to be attacked like that. I just wanted to be . . . wanted.”
She started to cry, sobs wracking her body. He turned her around to face him.
“I told you, I am a complete fuck-up,” she said with a sniffle.
“Shh . . .” he said, wrapping his arms around her. “No, you’re not.”
“After the night of the party, I started using pot to deal with all the madness in my life. It helped. I didn’t think about my dad or my mom. I didn’t think about getting the shit kicked out of me. I started to become me, the Mia you met. I started to write a lot. I guess subconsciously I was able to deal with some things, but others, I had pushed deep inside of me.”
“Like what?
“My fears of abandonment. I was terrified of being abandoned again. I controlled my relationships. I controlled who and what hurt me. That’s why I broke it off with Luke. The thought that if we did stay together and he decided that he really wanted to have a family with Taylor and would leave me terrified me. I could not handle that, so I ended it. But with you, it was different. I felt safe. But when I wasn’t with you, I felt lost. And when you told me about Kristen, I . . .” She got up from the chair and walked to the patio wall. The worst mistake he had ever made still reared its ugly head. “I gave up. I lost my fight.”
And he found her with Todd. Right now, he saw her reliving it in her head. He needed to pull her back from the dark, needed her to tell him how she handled the years without him, how she changed and discovered the answers to the problems that had plagued her life.
“Mia . . .”
She turned on him. “Seriously, Ethan, I think back on that night more often than you think. I would have slept with Todd and then I would’ve felt so guilty. I would’ve used more drugs to try to forget what I had done and then I would’ve spiraled out of control. And I don’t want to think of what could’ve happened. That night, though one of the worst days in my life, actually saved it . . . for a while anyway. Here I am, three years later, telling you this, thinking the whole time that I would’ve given anything to not have missed those three years with you. But I also know that if I didn’t have the time by myself, the time to think, to sort through things, I might not be here in this spot, talking to you.”
“Mia . . .” he said, not liking where this was going.
“No, it’s true, Ethan. Don’t tell me you didn’t think about it, not once?”
He closed his eyes because she was right. After her overdose, he had thought about it a lot, scared that one day he’d wake up to the news that she was dead.
“I’m right, aren’t I?” she said, her eyes locked on his. All he could do was nod.
The tears rolled out of her eyes like a flash flood. “I’m sorry for putting you through that. I have so many things for which I’m sorry. But that’s my mission now—to apologize and make things right, if I can.”
She didn’t need to make things right with him. Mia was with him—that made it right.
He wanted to move away from this topic and forward towards her therapy, to how she got better; how she got the strength to come back to him. “Your music was your therapy, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah, it was. It saved me.”
“There were so many times I wanted to pick up my phone and call you, to make sure you were all right. I’d listen to your music and I would ache for you, and all I wanted to do was make the pain go away.”
“Why didn’t you?” she asked, a desperate tone to her voice.
“You told me to stay away, and when we did talk, you weren’t ready yet.”
“I was ready, but I didn’t want to get back together with you while I was in the midst of all that chaos—the movie and the tour. I didn’t want us back where we ended. I wanted a fresh start. I’m sorry it took so long . . .”
“Mia, I’m glad you’re here with me now. I would’ve waited longer. Hell, I would’ve waited forever.”
She sighed contentedly and rested her head against his chest. “Don’t be mad at me, but I loved creating all that music. I challenged myself so much those three albums we made while you and I were apart. On that fourth album, except for one song, I did not touch my piano. I tend to hide behind it and I wanted to stretch myself, see what I could do.”
“I liked seeing you rock that guitar.”
“I was hot!”
“‘Am.’”
“What?” she asked confused.
“You misspoke. You should have said ‘I am hot.’”
She rolled her eyes at him and they both laughed. “You’re biased.”
“Oh no, it’s the truth! I think every male on Earth will agree with me.”
“I think that’s going a little overboard.”
“God, even after all these years, you still can’t see it!” he said, exasperated.
“I don’t think of myself like that. I see myself as the short girl with a lot of hair and the ugly scar on my face who likes to play music and write. I’m pretty much an introvert except for the whole making my living in the spotlight thing. I’m awkward.”
“Mia, I do not find you awkward—not at all. You’re so beautiful—your heart, your mind, your body, and your soul. That’s what I see. The person who loves me, the person who loves a certain ten-year-old despite the fact that her very existence disrupted your life. The person who can write such beautiful music. The person who despite all she has gone through decided to fight for her life and what she wanted.”
He regarded her and grinned at her dopey smile. It seemed he’d seen that on her face daily since they’d reconciled and he loved it.
“So, tell me more about Undone?” he asked, curious about the album after her overdose.
“I wrote that here. It took a long time. I was writing for months, just trying to organize how I felt, trying to figure it all out—who I was and the beginnings of what I wanted. This was all before the guys even showed up. It’s my favorite album. I’m very proud of it.”
“You should be. It’s a great album . . .”
“But?”
“I hear your pain in that album.”
“There’s a lot of it,” she agreed. “But I worked through it. After I made the movie and we finished the fifth album, I realized what I wanted.”
“And what was that, suga?”
“You. I’m tired of not being with the people I love. I’m tired of touring. I’m just tired of being tired,” she said, looking up at him and he saw it in her eyes. She was exhausted.
“Let’s take care of that right now,” he said, lifting her into his arms and carrying her back inside and up to her bedroom. After placing her in the center of the bed, he hovered above her, her hands still clasped around his neck.
“Ethan, make love to me,” she whispered, against his ear.
“Are you sure? Aren’t you tired?”
“I need you,” she said, tugging at his clothes.
“Well, since you put it that way . . .” he replied, removing his clothes and then slowly undressing her.
Looking down at her, he studied her. Her breasts appeared fuller and her body had regained the curves he loved so well. She looked healthier, ev
en though she wasn’t.
“Are you sure you feel up to it?”
“Yes, I’m sure. Very sure,” she said, sitting up and pulling him to her.
He kissed her so tenderly that tears came to her eyes. “I love you, Mia Devereux.”
“I love hearing those words.”
“Yeah?” he said, kissing one cheek and then the other.
“Yeah. And know what else?”
“Hmm?” he murmured, his lips leaving a trail down her neck.
“I love you, too,” she said before his lips found hers again. “Now, if you don’t mind, could you please make love to me?”
“With pleasure,” he said, entering her, feeling her sweet, wet embrace.
Mia
Laying in Ethan’s arms, Mia knew there was so much more to say to him, but right now, she wanted to just stay there, relishing in the comfort and love. His fingers stilled on her arm and she felt his deep inhale of breath. He was preparing to talk. She swallowed and held her own breath, waiting for what she was sure would be a difficult question.
“I need to ask you something,” he said, resting his chin on her head. “It’s about Todd . . .”
Her eyes fell shut at the mention of Todd’s name from Ethan’s lips. She knew for absolute certain what he wanted to know—how far the two of them had gone, what Todd had meant to her.
“What happened that night of your overdose, Mia? I know something did and I need you to tell me. I need the truth. Otherwise, I’ll just assume and right now, I’m assuming the worst.”
“You’re right. Something did happen,” she started. Mia needed to tell him this. It may be uncomfortable for them both, but he was right—this needed to be said. “First, the night you told me about Kristen, I, uh, went to Todd’s room and asked him to get me some drugs. In all the years I’ve known him, that night, in his room, was the first time I saw him as a man. I noticed him and it pissed me off. I was so mad at you for that. I could’ve easily had sex any number of times while on tour, but I didn’t. I only wanted you. And now there was Todd. He kissed me that night. I stopped him, but I liked it.”
“He’d brought you the drugs that night,” Ethan stated quietly.
“Yes, as well as temptation,” she said then paused for a long moment as she collected herself. “I went to Todd’s the night of my overdose because he always made me feel good. And he did—until I stupidly took that last line of cocaine.”
“Have the two of you ever slept together?”
Sorry, she said to herself before she answered. “I have slept with him a lot, but I never had sex with him. That night . . . that was the route we were on, until I landed in the hospital. But Todd and I worked passed that. It was a wake-up call for both of us. Things are good. Can we leave it at that?”
Ethan’s silence was killing her. She wanted him to say it was all right, but what he asked next had her wanting to bolt.
“I want you to tell me about Josh.”
Fuck.
“No, you don’t,” she said uncomfortably.
“I need to know.”
“Why do you want to do that to yourself?”
“Did you love him?” he asked and Mia was out of the bed so fast. She did not want to discuss this with him.
“Ethan,” she warned, as she stood in front of the window.
“Did you?” he pushed.
“No.”
“Oh,” Ethan said simply.
“You didn’t expect that answer?” she asked, looking back at him. He had sat up and rested up against the headboard.
“No,” he said, shaking his head. “I didn’t.”
“I cared for him, and I guess in a way I did love him and do love him, but as a friend. It was never that earth-shattering love. It was never the kind of love that makes you ache because you love that person so damn much.”
“What was he to you then?” he said, moving from the bed to the carpet in front of the bed.
“Ethan, I can’t do this.”
“You need to. You cannot hide anymore. You need to be honest with me if we are going to stand a chance. You need to lay it all out there, even if it hurts me in the process. I’m not naïve. Hearing about Josh is not something I really want to hear.”
“Then why do you want me to tell you?”
“Because it’ll fester inside me—all my doubts, all my questions. And that won’t lead us to a pleasant place, that’s for sure.”
She turned to face him. “Tell me you love me.”
“What?”
“Please,” she begged, kneeling in front of him.
“I love you.”
“I love you, too,” Mia said. She kissed him and then thought of where to begin. Joining him on the floor, she sat back against the chair, facing him. “So, do you want like a recap? Or just what he meant to me?”
“I want to know why you were with him, what he meant to you, and basically whatever you need to tell me in order to answer that.”
“Okay. I’ll just start at the beginning, I guess. Despite my bravado to you about the movie, I was actually pretty nervous about doing it. The sex, the drugs. Having you see it. That was a constant thought—you seeing this movie. I kept thinking back to that tour and how I felt and why I took the drugs in the first place—that desperation, the overwhelming need to feel good, how much I missed you. Those thoughts fed how I played Sophia. So, I was, uh, pretty vulnerable and feeling very lonely. I’m embarrassed to say how lonely I was. At that point it had been over a year and a half since I had been, uh, intimate with anyone.”
“Really?” he asked, shocked.
“I was concentrating on me. I didn’t need the distraction of a man—any man.”
“Wow! A year and a half?”
“Stop!” she yelled, playfully kicking at him. He continued to chuckle at her. “Aren’t you at three years?”
He blushed.
“And just so you know that will be discussed at some point. And we are definitely getting a new bed at your place.”
“Seems you have already thought some on that.”
“You would be right,” she conceded. “Anyway, the movie was an awesome experience. My co-stars were great, very entertaining. I needed that. You’ve seen the movie, so you know what scene I’m talking about—the first time she does ecstasy. That was a rough scene, and well, I think Josh somehow knew it. He came to see me later that night at my hotel room.”
“That was the first night,” he guessed.
“Yes.”
“Why? After all that time, why then?”
She laughed a little uncomfortably. “It’s pretty simple really. Making out with a cute, naked guy all day long, being really turned on, plus lack of sex equals one powerful explosion.”
“So, was this an instant relationship?”
“No, not really. That didn’t happen until after the movie wrapped.”
“Why?”
“I needed someone. I was raw. It was like every nerve ending I had was exposed. That movie forced me to think about a lot of stuff,” she paused, her eyes flooding with tears. And when she spoke again, her voice was filled with such hard emotion. “That time period was the closest I’ve been to taking drugs in a very long time. So, it was going to be either sex or drugs. I chose sex.”
She looked over at him and found him staring at the carpet. This was killing him, and again, she doubted discussing this. She hated seeing him hurt.
“Ethan, are you sure we should be doing this?”
He only nodded.
Okay then.
“Uh, well . . .” she started, rubbing her forehead, trying to think. “So, Josh fulfilled the need, but he was also my companion, my friend. And I really needed a friend.”
“What about Luke?”
“Luke was too tied to you. I didn’t want to put him in the middle any more than he was. I had to do something, so I let you have my best friend.”
“He’s a great friend.”
“One of the best.”
Mia k
nelt in front of him. He still looked away, his eyes trained on the fireplace. She tilted her head, regarding him, seeing the many emotions on his face and wondering what was going through his mind. Placing her hands on his cheeks, she forced him to look at her. “Ethan. Look at me,” she demanded. His eyes were on the verge of tears. He was battling, she thought sadly. “You have got to remember that all this got me back to you. You have to hold on to that, okay? I love you and I have from the start. I have never stopped loving you and I don’t plan on ever stopping.”
“I know this. God, I know this, but I still kick myself. I hate that I left you to cope with that. I should have been the one you leaned on when you were raw and thinking about the drugs.”
“Stop. This was my journey and I had to do it alone, because with you, I felt safe, protected. I needed to do it,” she smiled lovingly. “And here you are. You are with me. You love me and our love will get us through this.”
“You think so?”
“Oh, I know so. I’m going to fight for you. I won’t let you go. You, my dear, are stuck with me.”
Ethan pulled her into his arms and held on to her tight. Wrapping her own arms around his neck, Mia returned his embrace. “Josh was there for me during a very hard time in my life,” she continued. “He kept me from going under. Because all I really had to do was think back to those two nights and remember all the pain I’d caused. I still hate myself for that and I really hated me then.”
“Tell me why.”
“No,” she said sadly.
“Mia,” he said sternly.
“God, I know, Ethan,” she said, letting the tears fall. At that point, she left his embrace and walked to the wall of windows, staring out at the ocean. “I know. I was mad at everything I did, everything that happened to me. I hated the thoughts I had. I wanted to give up. I wanted to give up so bad. But I didn’t. I fought. I pulled myself up. I was better than that. I deserved more than that. And that’s the choice I made—life. I chose sex with a virile, sexy man. I chose to feel good in a healthy, natural way.” She took a deep breath, wiped the tears from her eyes and turned to face him and she saw understanding.
Still Into You Page 38
