“I don’t think so, Spence. I’ve loved all of the parties and Balls during the Season, but I cannot imagine a steady diet of that sort of thing.” I paused. In a tremendously impetuous moment I murmured “Perhaps I could be a country doctor’s wife in Twigbury.” I murmured the words so softly that I couldn’t be certain that he’s even heard me. I shocked myself when I spoke them. How could I possibly have said such a thing? He turned and stared intently at me, wanting to be certain that he had heard correctly. He was looking at me very keenly. I caught my breath and my heart skipped a beat. “I’m sorry, Spence, That was very forward of me. Please forget that I was so audacious,” I implored, as color began to rise in my cheeks.
“Sophia, that isn’t at all an audacious statement. You have only put into words what I’ve been longing to say. Nevertheless, there are impediments to my asking that question. I don’t feel that I have the right. There are many things to discuss. There are your parents, religion, and the differences in our social class. I need to speak with your father and I’ve only met your parents in the receiving line upon my departure from your Ball. They were both quite genial then, but that was before they knew I might become a serious suitor for their daughter’s hand.”
“I know, Spence. I know.” My heart was actually hurting.
“Sophia, I love you,” he said, very directly.
I raised my eyes and looked straight into his. “Then nothing else matters, because I love you too.”
I was in his arms and we were no longer speaking. It was all touching, kissing, and holding. I could feel his arousal as he pressed himself against my body and caressed me. Surprisingly, that didn’t frighten me, as I’d always thought it might. Our kisses became more intense, and I had an overwhelming desire to have him touch me. Once again, there was that familiar feeling that I’d come to know as a mad desire for something more. He gently laid me down on the sofa, raised my skirt above my hips, and put his hand on the inside of my thigh. I was not at all embarrassed, which came as a surprise. I had always been very, very reluctant to let any man touch me in an intimate way, and had never done so. I’d listened to girls at Ashwick Park talk about sex, but, I’d never became involved in those conversations, other than with Edwina. Something about the subject was unseemly to me. Still, Edwina assured me that when a woman truly fell in love it made an enormous difference. I was snug against Spence, his mouth by my ear. Turning his head towards me, he whispered, “I want you so, dear Sophia.”
His words seemed to be the final hurdle. Gently removing my undergarments, Spence groaned as his hand found the soft fur between my legs. I thought I would go mad with longing as he touched that forbidden place…. that place where I had never allowed anyone to touch me before. Spence caressed me gently, and I kissed him with reckless abandon. He then unbuttoned my blouse, unhooking my brassiere. His lips were on my breasts. I began to sigh, and could hear my voice as though from far away. Suddenly, Spence broke away from me, and turned his head to the side, as though to clear his thoughts. As though to stop the mad rush of passion carrying us toward a firestorm.
“What is it?” I asked him. Don’t you want me?” I was confused.
“Oh, Sophia, I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. I’m just not certain that it’s right.”
“Spence,” I cried, “We love each other. What can be wrong when two people are in love?” I had heard those very words from Edwina.
“Nothing, darling Sophia, but I don’t want to hurt you or to do anything you might regret later.”
“You could never do anything to hurt me, unless you stopped caring for me. I love you so much,” I whispered. He clasped me to his chest, and we kissed with fierce abandonment. He must have known that I was ready for him, in the way that only men do know such things. Suddenly, all hesitancy was gone, and he was clearly mad with desire. He shed the remainder of his clothing, and we lay naked together. Skin against skin. Ever so gently, he began to thrust, and each time, I felt myself more ready to receive him. Suddenly, my body welcomed his, and we were as close as two human beings can be. I felt a brief stab of pain, but ever so quickly, ecstasy replaced discomfort. Instinctively, I brought my hips up, to be as close to him as possible. He thrust repeatedly, until we reached a pinnacle of passion that I could never have imagined or described. We cried out to one another in joy, and were truly one.
When our lovemaking ended, we lay quietly in each other’s arms relishing the serenity. I didn’t regret what had happened. I finally understood what my body had been longing for each time we’d kissed and held one another. I loved him. Nothing else mattered. Nothing else would ever matter. We lay there calmly, savoring the aftermath of passion. Spence was the first to break the silence. Lighting a cigarette, he propped himself up on one elbow.
“Sophia, we need to talk, darling,” he murmured as he nuzzled my neck.
“Yes, I know,” I answered, running my hand through his thick hair.
“I love you so, dearest.”
I love you too, Spence. So much.”
“But we have some things to work out. I have many things to talk to you about.”
“Well, is it the religion thing, Spence? Or, the silly class nonsense. I don’t care about either. What is it that you believe that I don’t, in terms of religion?”
“Oh darling, I’m not sure there is very much we don’t agree on. The Anglican Church formed from the Roman Catholic, because Henry the Eighth wanted to be divorced to re-marry. If it hadn’t been for a tart named Anne Boleyn, there never would have been an Anglican church. Funny, how the entire history of mankind can turn on something so seemingly trivial. Who knows? Perhaps they were soul- mates too,” he laughed. “Pretty unlikely, however, since he had her beheaded, when he tired of her.” I joined in the laughter. “At any rate, the beliefs are really quite similar, other than the fact that the Anglican Church doesn’t acknowledge that the Pope is infallible. Of course the Catholic church doesn’t allow divorce.”
“I haven’t any intention of ever getting a divorce,” I answered. “That isn’t even a concern. Would we have to marry in the Catholic tradition and would I have to promise to raise any children Catholic?”
“Yes…Well, there are other things…Certain rituals. It would be best if you converted. Not totally necessary, but ideally.”
“I don’t know if I’d mind that. I’m quite intrigued with the history and ritual of your church. Although I know so little about it, I have a keen desire to learn more. It appears to play such a significant role in your life.”
“But, what about your parents? From what you’ve told me, there is not going to be a wondrously happy reception from them at the news that their daughter is seriously considering marriage to a Catholic.”
“They’d mind, very much. Mummy would go into a gargantuan rage. I’ve no doubt.” I had described my mother’s rages to Spence, as my trust for him steadily escalated throughout the months of our dawning love. Being a physician, he knew and understood better than some might. Nevertheless, no matter how much he helped me to understand Mummy’s rages, I was still deathly frightened of them.
“When you say that they would mind very much, do you feel that you could withstand their disapproval?”
“Spence, I’ve never thought about that. Mummy is the one who terrifies me so. You know she rules Papa with an iron glove. Mummy has shut a child out for much less serious infractions. The position of being Mummy’s favorite child has a high turnover rate, I’m afraid.” I ruefully laughed. But, I feel so madly in love with you that I believe I could withstand anything.”
“I hate you having to face that, darling? I know you love them very much. Of course, I fully intend to speak to your father alone.”
“Don’t count on that, Spence. I don’t believe there is any way that Mummy wouldn’t insert herself into the middle of any conversation that you had with Papa.
“I’m not an easily intimidated man, Sophia. I’ll make certain they understand that I am there bec
ause I know how dearly you love them, and long for their approval. But, I intend for them to clearly understand that I dearly love you, with all of my soul, and that I’m not leaving without their blessing.”
“I love them and hate them, Spence.” I nearly shouted. I surprised myself with my vehemence. I’d never said such a thing to another soul; had never even said it to myself. I felt a bit of a traitor. No matter. It was true. “My parents’ don’t care a whit what I want from life. It seems that my entire purpose for existence has always been to please them in some manner. Everyone Spence, simply everyone, thinks Papa and Mummy the most charming couple on Earth. They can be so kind and generous. So charming. But they can also be. . . “
“I know, Sophia. It doesn’t sound as if they’ve been ideal parents.”
“They haven’t, “I replied. “Spence, they’re so terribly odd. Both of them. They are my parents, and of course I do love them. But I have yearned for their approval for as long as I can recall. If I didn’t love them, I wouldn’t care about their approval. No matter what I’ve ever accomplished, they’ve been snide and disparaging. I feel that I’ve spent my entire life doing cartwheels and backflips, hoping that they would show pride in me. I’ve never had any affection from either of them. Truly, never. My mother says some of the cruelest things imaginable. Really hurtful things. She’s told me that I am not pretty... perhaps a bit above average, but certainly nothing compared to how lovely she was at my age. She tells me that I shall be fortunate if I ever find a man who loves me. Papa believes that the only reason a man would want me would be because of my dowry. Papa has never taken my side against Mummy. I’ve already told you about Mummy’s ghastly rages. But, I’ve never really shared details. She smashes anything within her reach, screams, yells, and literally throws a tantrum. I have been slapped in the face more times than I care to remember. And…Spence…I’ve never said anything to you about this…in fact, have never told a soul…not even Edwina…but, when I was a young girl, Papa did some vile things to me. Really vile. Do you know what I mean?”
“Yes, I think I do. Are you saying that your father mistreated you sexually? I hope you aren’t talking about incest?”
“No, not that. But, fondling…touching. Definitely inappropriate. I knew the things he did were wrong from the beginning. But, for some reason, I felt protective of him. More protective of him then of myself. I would never have told anyone…surely not Mummy Isn’t that sad? I obviously cared more about him than I did about myself. Even knowing it was wrong. What in the world would make a child act that way?”
“Sophia, are you certain that you might not have misinterpreted some bit of his behavior?”
“No, no Spence. Please don’t say that. I remember everything distinctly. All of this is just part and parcel of what really went on in our highly respectable home.”
“”As to why you would act to protect him, instead of yourself? It’s hard to know. I suspect that you had been raised in such a terribly dysfunctional environment that you actually believed it was more important that a parent’s secret behavior not be exposed, than to make certain you weren’t harmed. Did anyone even tell you that his behavior was wrong?”
“No. Absolutely not. And it was not mentioned in school, or anyplace else that I recall. Yet, I did know, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that it was wrong. My primary concern was shielding Papa from Mummy’s wrath. Somehow, I believed that if she found out, she wouldn’t have protected me anyway. I think it would have been my fault, in some way. I’m just beginning to realize now that she was jealous of me.”
“You are very perceptive, darling. I suspect had you told her, she would have made certain that you were sent away somewhere. I intend for us to tell your parents our wishes as quickly as possible. What you are telling me is absolutely foul behavior. I’m glad you told me. It helps me to understand you better. This is not the way normal families behave. I don’t want you to be upset, Sophia. This should be a happy time. Tell me when can I meet your parents? I want you to be mad with happiness.”
“I am deliriously happy about us. Papa is receiving an award at a charity event in London in two weeks. That would be a splendid time to speak with him... well... probably them. Perhaps you could come to London for the evening. We could arrange the long overdue meeting. Do you think you could make the trip during the week? I just feel so strongly that once they’ve met you, they can’t help but love you as much as I do.”
“I wouldn’t be too certain about that,” he laughed. It matters not whether they love or even like me, to tell you the truth. All I want is their consent to marry you. I’m sure I can arrange to be in London in two weeks, darling. What night would that be?”
“Thursday. They’ll be staying at Grande’s. That’s where the dinner is to be held. Blake and Drew will be present as well. However, is what I’ve told you going to create an insurmountable barrier between you and my parents?”
“No, precious girl,” Spence smiled. “It doesn’t endear them to me, but I’ll just have to hide my feelings for your sake, knowing that speaking to them about their actions would be futile. This just makes me want to protect you all the more.” He crushed out his cigarette and took me into his arms again.
“I just want it all behind me’, I replied, burying my head on his shoulder, and once again running my fingers through his hair.
“Did I hurt you, my sweet Sophia?” he murmured.
“No…It was wonderful. I’m glad it happened. I feel as though nothing can ever part us now. We truly are one in every way.”
“I never want to hurt you in any way,” he whispered as he began to plant tiny, nibbling kisses on my neck. Silence followed. I could hear the sounds of the river outside, babbling as it flowed over the rocks. There were birds singing in the distance.
“Sophia. I want you to clearly understand that what just happened between you and me was the way it is supposed to be, because we are a man and woman in love, and who plan on giving ourselves to each other for the rest of our lies. Your body is a precious temple, and nobody ever had a right to touch you in any way, unless you gave them your permission. You do understand that, don’t you?”
“Yes, Spence, I do now. But, to be completely honest, for the longest while I used to think that there really wasn’t anything so terrible about Papa fondling me, because, after all, I am a part of him. I didn’t think of myself as a separate entity, with my own boundaries.”
“God, Sophia, it’s amazing you have an identity of your own.”
“I know, I’m aware of that.” There was a long silence, while we both contemplated the strange behavior that had taken place in my young life. Spence, why would we have to be married in your religion? I asked, changing the subject. Couldn’t you become an Anglican? “To me, one religion is like another.”
“Oh, Sophia, there’s the rub. I truly believe in the Catholic Church. I believe it is the one, true religion. I don’t believe I have any choice. If I were to leave the Church, I wouldn’t be happy. The Catholic Church provides me with great comfort, and I have deep faith and belief in it. I do hope that you don’t think that I’m sounding selfish.”
“I should never want you to do anything for me that would cause you to be unhappy,” I answered, truly meaning it.
“The Church is a part of me, Sophia. It’s my soul. When I was born, I was born a Catholic. In my heart, that’s who I am. I don’t have a choice in this. I have to live Catholic and die Catholic.”
“Well, doesn’t your Church consider it a sin to marry a non-Catholic?”
“The Catholic Church frowns upon mixed marriages. Nevertheless, with a presentation of reasons, a disposition can be given There are ways to make it acceptable. That is why I said that ideally you would convert. However, I wouldn’t want you to do something you didn’t believe in either. Do you see the dilemma?”
I was still lying next to him, and I turned, placing my head on his shoulder and putting myself into a position so that I could look up at him and see the exp
ressions on his face. “I was never raised to be terribly strong in my religious beliefs. It was just the done thing to attend chapel on Sundays. We didn’t really live the church’s teachings in our home. I suppose that’s quite obvious,” I laughed ruefully. “I cannot say that I’m very clear about what I believe. I’ve never studied religion. I know that the world is an astonishing place, and that it can’t all be an accident. It simply cannot. It’s so well ordered and well planned. So, I believe that I have some germ of belief planted in my soul, but as to denominations and the like, well…I only know that I love you, and that we must be together.
He took my face into his hands. “Darling Sophia,” he began, “please tell me that you will marry me. We’ll manage the logistics concerning religion.”
“Spence, I want more than anything to marry you, and of course I accept your proposal.” I answered. We kissed once again, and he held me close once more. I reached up and traced the outline of his handsome face. Spence began to caress my breasts a second time. Slowly his hands moved again, to touch the warmth between my legs. And once more, desire arose. We ceased conversation. We made love again, familiar with each other’s bodies and committed to one another in our hearts.
The sun was low in the sky as we dressed and returned to the hotel. It was difficult for me to face Drew and Annie upon our return. I felt so extraordinarily different that I could not be certain it didn’t show. I soaked in the tub, luxuriating in my newfound happiness, and dressed carefully in a new, royal blue woolen suit, purchased especially for the trip to Twigbury. We all shared a lovely evening dining at the King Charles Hotel, and there was newfound intimacy between Spence and me. The evening ended with a nightcap in the drawing room of our Twigbury Court suite. Then, Drew and Annie retired to their room. Spence and I, having vowed not to repeat our amorous afternoon in near proximity to my brother and his wife, also ended the evening.
Willow Grove Abbey: A Historical World War II Romance Novel (The Somerville Trilogy) Page 6
